Tuesday, April 20, 2010

TV Review: Academy of Country Music Awards

Ok, I know what you're thinking:

"Hey Riha, what's a big gaylord like you doing watching the Academy of Country Music Awards? Isn't that genre just for people who are less gay than you? Why would someone SO GAY want to spend three hours watching country music performances and awards? Also, gaybrain, do you even know anything about country music? GAY."

First of all, you're being rude for assuming that being gay precludes me from enjoying country music. Sure, I tend to prefer sassy country chicks to songs that are like "I country bumpkined my lady behind the tractor," but I still like the genre. Secondly, you can lay off the gay language. That's inappropriate and offensive, so check your tone. I'm highly affronted.

So, I watched all three hours of the ACM awards (I've busted out the abbrev, keep up) for a few reasons:

1. I really don't have a life, I'll take any excuse to jump into my "around-the-house" snuggie, and I enjoy sitting on my couch, motionless. Like a beached whale.
2. I have a metaphorical boner for Miranda Lambert and I wanted to see her win a bunch of trophies that look like modern art, but are actually made out of plastic. Check out Carrie Underwood. She's getting more action than I am, that's for sure. But the real point here is that the trophy looks stupid.

3. Guys at the ACM awards can be SUPER HOT and tend to wear really tight jeans. I saw Tim McGraw's penis when he was singing. Well done, Faith Hill.
4. I was having a low self-esteem day and knew that at least one performance would make me cry, because sometimes country music is DAMN SAD and usually has a deceptive title. A song called "I'm in Love" might actually have a chorus like this:

I'm in love with a girl
Pretty as can be
Life would be so happy
Were it her and me

But tragically
We can never love
Because she was killed
A plane fell from above

Yeah, so I expected waterworks because country music likes to MESS WITH YOUR MIND.

Anyway, Reba McEntire was hosting, which was super distracting because I tend to think in pop culture references, so everytime she was on screen I saw this:

FYI Reba's supposed to be on the left, if you're confused. I swear to God she said she would be hanging out backstage and I thought to myself, "HANGIN LIKE MY NUTS." So, to that end, Reba was a good choice of host because I kept myself entertained, but when she got on stage and sang I Keep On Lovin You, the Keenan imagery got awkward. My imagination is too vivid. And to take you right there with me, it was gay interracial sex imagery between the two pictured. You're welcome. YOU CAN'T UNREAD THAT.

Ok, this post is definitely digressing. I don't really have a rant here aside from "I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC PENDING THE THEMATIC NATURE OF THE SONG" so I might wrap things up soon. Miranda Lambert won Album of the Year, Top Female Vocalist, and Video of the Year and I was super happy about that. Then she sang The House That Built Me, which is about going back to your childhood home after you've moved on. Since my childhood home is being sold soon, I definitely cried an assload during that. FYI that last sentence made me picture myself crying tiny butts into the bed of a truck. Did I mention I'm still on drugs for my chest infection? That is my constant scapegoat. I'm like the kitten with the fishbowl, which is an expression I just made up so I CAN DO THIS:

This might be my worst post ever.

Rating: 4/5 stars

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