I love America's Next Top Model, which I will now refer to as ANTM for the sake of my laziness. I love ANTM a lot, despite all of the morally reprehensible things that happen under the watchful eye of Tyra Banks. Well, if I'm being completely honest, perhaps I love ANTM because of all the horrible things that happen. Every cycle (because Tyra doesn't believe in seasons) twelve to fourteen girls come together to have their self-esteem torn apart while they compete to win absolutely nothing, except for the opportunity to film commercials that will air during the following cycle. I guess they win some money or something, but clearly that doesn't do any good because the most famous winner of ANTM spends her time posting pictures of her boobs on Twitter.
Anyway, these girls endure horrible things, but it's alright because they're usually completely insane and therefore I am okay with watching their lives fall apart. After seeing over thirteen cycles of this show, I have managed to make the following observations.
1. If you're an ANTM contestant and you gain around five pounds, you will be treated like an elephant. This isn't an exaggeration. One cycle a contestant gained a bit of weight and had to portray an elephant in a photo shoot. Here's proof:
Where did this girl get off thinking she could ever be a model with THAT LURKING HULK OF A FIGURE?!?
2. If you have a pre-existing condition that you don't want on camera, don't tell Tyra. Otherwise, she will find it and exploit it in order to make it look like she's there for you. Tyra has helped girls handle epilepsy, Aspergers, blindness, burns, random fainting, dyslexia, and many other things. Her solution? Tell the girls that they're beautiful no matter what and expose their condition on national television. Sure, none of the aforementioned conditions applied to any of the winners of the show, but I'm sure that those girls still felt beautiful as they were being eliminated from a beauty competition. Oh, be warned that Tyra will go to ridiculous lengths to exposes these secrets. I had no idea there was a girl with dyslexia one cycle until the episode where they had a READING challenge. Deliberate.
3. If you audition for ANTM, you are going to get a make-over should you make it through the first few weeks of the competition. This could mean a variety of things.
a) Very little will change
b) Your hair will change color
c) Your hair will get shorter
d) You will get a weave, possibly to make your hair longer.
If any of these possibilities might cause you to burst into uncontrollable hysterics, perhaps ANTM isn't right for you. As a viewer, I love seeing the bi-annual makeover meltdown because it provides great drama. However, it always bugs me that some ungrateful skankbot gets to be on national TV but isn't willing to change her hair. I have a newsflash there. Unless you grew up by Chernobyl, your hair will grow back. So please feel free to cry for the sake of the show, but know that nobody in the audience is rooting for you because you're coming across both crazy and entitled at the same time.
4. If you're a catalog model, you probably shouldn't watch ANTM. Your career is going to be insulted at some point. If you do choose to watch and end up offended, I offer the following picture to console you:
5. I'm glad they took Miss Jay off the judging panel because, sassy as he is, I never understood his/her qualifications to judge pictures. I just know that (s)he was really good at walking in heels. However, I feel like the two of us have comparable expose to looking at a picture and critiquing the amount of neck shown.
6. Every cycle Mr. Jay looks more and more like a robot.
Well, maybe he's always looked like a robot.
7. I think we can all agree that Janice Dickinson should come back to the panel. If you every need something to help remember the proper spelling of her last name, I won't share one because mine is really gross.
Alright, these are my Top Model thoughts. This cycle, I think I'm rooting for Alasia because she is completely insane, has no filter, takes pretty good pictures, and has the best name out of anyone. I've decided to pose a few questions to my faithful readers. What other ridiculous observations have you made about the show? Who are you rooting for this cycle? Who are your favorite contestants of all time? They don't have to be good models, so feel free to say Jade if you want. I know I might.
Rating: 4/5 stars
I liked Fatima, the girl who thought she was going to stop girls' clits from being chopped off in Africa if she won the show. Newsflash (even though I shouldn't have to tell you this since you're from there), they don't have TV in Africa. That's why they have to chop off clits in the first place to pass the time.
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