Tuesday, April 13, 2010

TV Review: American Idol Top 9

So, I'm watching American Idol live for the first time in a while. Therefore, as a means to help jump start my blog, I'm going to recap it. More accurately, I'm going to "live blog" it because it allows me to think and edit less, which math major Riha like much good. I use air quotes because you'll only get to see the finished product. Live blog sort of implies you'll see me write as it happens. Here you won't. So, I will break this recap into sections for each contestant. I will make an observation on their interactions with Ryan, the mentoring video clip, their performance, and the judging. Most likely I will spew nonsensical hate, because this season is awful.

This week, they are singing Elvis songs and Adam Lambert is mentoring. I imagine that conversation went like this:

Executive Producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz: "Oh hay Ken, what should we do this week?"

Executive Producer Ken Warwick: "Derrrr, Cecile, Elvis songs! We've never done that!"

Cecile: "Um, didn't we do that season five?"

Ken: "Yeah, Taylor Hicks won that season, so I'm guessing most people suppressed that."

Cecile: "Ya, fo sho. Who should we get to mentor? A rocker? Bruce Springsteen? Maybe a bigwig producer? Elvis is a big deal."

Ken: "Adam. Fucking. Lambert. He sort of has hair that looks like Elvis hair and God knows he could use the publicity."

Cecile: "Um what about the theme? He makes absolutely no sense."

Ken: "Nobody will notice, everyone that's voting is stupid as shit anyway. Look at the Top 12."

Cecile: "Fact."

And scene.

Just to help illustrate my point, I've included a picture of Elvis for those of you who don't know him slash were born in the 1990s.

This is Adam Lambert:

So you can see why people think they're similar.

IT'S STARTING! This is how American Idol is justifying Adam Lambert as the guest mentor. I shit you not.

1. Elvis was big in Vegas
2. They send the Idols to Vegas to watch Cirque du Soleil
3. Adam Lambert

So, well done there. Ryan says his tongue isn't as talented as Adam's. I'm picking up on some crazy flirting, so I'm pretty sure they're having sex, or at least at handy level. First up is...


So it's all downhill after this. She's singing a song called Saved, which has a Gospel influence. Thanks, I didn't get that from the title. Anyway, per usual, Crystal sounds amazing. It's like a rough, sexy panther having sex with a sex tiger. Sex. Rita Corny, Michael. Subtext. Anyway, I'm being unclear. The bottom line is that she's great and the judges have nothing bad to say about her.

Ryan asks, "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" Answer:

Andrew Garcia. Make sure to roll that "r."

Ok, so I'm feeling better about Adam. He straight up (oh hey, see what I did there?) called Andrew boring. He's singing Hound Dog, so I feel like he's automatically going to fail. Wow, this performance pretty much takes everything I like about the song and then Old Yellar's it. Is that grammatical? Andrew Garcia, with the revolver, in the lounge. BECAUSE THAT WAS A LOUNGE PERFORMANCE.

Anyway, I'm making less and less sense as this episode goes on. All of the judges hate it, except Ellen, who judgement is becoming more and more questionable.

Ryan, "Find out which Elvis track Tim has gone with next!" Well, Adam already spoiled Tim's song at the beginning of the episode, so clearly Ryan thinks we're all stupid. Maybe he's right. Tim is singing my favorite Elvis song and he's the worst singer here. This is going to lead to cap locks. I can feel it.

Tim Urban

He's singing Can't Help Falling in Love. Shit. I'm not excited. Adam likes it, which may lead to good things OR maybe he's being passive aggressive. You can never know with us gays. Speaking of, Tim is so uncomfortable with Adam it's funny. He's screwing with the melody because his lower register is terrible. DON'T FUCK WITH THIS MELODY, BITCH. Also, he didn't follow Adam's advice at all regarding the falsetto at the end. Alright, overall it wasn't horrible and I kind of liked it. When the hell did Tim Urban become a frontrunner? All the judges love it, so here's to Tim Urban, American Idol 2010. This season is seriously becoming the Twilight Zone.

Lee DeWyze

Ahh. Lee is singing A Little Less Conversation and all I can think about is the time that Chris Daughtry, supremely entitled douche of the Idol universe, sang this on Elvis night and was prematurely ejaculated from the competition. Although I would not like this to happen to Lee, I now have an excuse to rewatch this great moment:

Ahahahah he's so pissed because he didn't know it was going to happen. Anyway, back to Lee. He sounds good, but at moments he looks like he's about to pee himself. I enjoyed it, but wasn't nuts about it. Sort of like a ham sandwich. This is the second reference to ham in my blog. My body is telling me something. Alright, the judges are pooping themself. Kara literally sounds like she's pooping herself in her Lee impersonation.

High Schooler Aaron Kelly (borrowed from Idolatry, I must say)

Ok, he's singing Blue Suede Shoes. Not so familiar with this song, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say Aaron looks awkward singing it and doesn't do it justice. Aaron looks uncomfortable with Adam because he's probably being forced to confront his latent homosexuality. Or he's tired. First comment: He is not wearing blue suede shoes. I find this wholly unbelievable. Second comment: His vocals are average. Third comment: His hair has never looked better. I'm gonna give that one to Adam Lambert.

The judges, in general, feel like Aaron was awkward and didn't do it justice. Move over Miss Cleo, here comes Riha. Well, ok Miss Cleo's dynasty has passed, perhaps she's not the best example. Let's just move on.

Siobhan Magnus

Omg Siobhan and Adam have the same hairstyle. I find this unsurprising. Will she do an Adam Lambert-esque shriek? God I hope not. Ok, so she didn't quite shriek, but the breakdown at the end was hot. I thought the beginning was lame. The judges rail on her, and I don't really feel that badly for her. I think she's sort of lost what made her cool, which was the whole "I'm an evil vampire" vibe she gave off on Paint it Black, House of the Rising Sun, and Wicked Game. She's also sassing Simon. Is she in danger? Shocking elimination? We'll see!

Ryan, "What's up with Big Mike this week?" Me, "His cholesterol." I'm evil. WHOA Brian Dunkleman reference, that must have been lost on almost everyone. Also, how has it taken me this long to pun on his last name. For example, I think my ears are about to get lynched.

Michael Lynch

He is singing In the Ghetto. No words. Anything I could say at this point would send me to Hell. Whatever, I'm already going there OH MY GOD IS HE REALLY SINGING THIS SONG WAY TO PLAY THE RACE CARD. This performance is super disjointed. I don't like the rhythm and I don't like the phrasing, but I suspect the judges will love it lest they be called haters. Yep, they did. I could write this show. Given Ryan's dialogue, it could use a real writer.

Katie Stevens

Ok, the show is starting to rush because it's going long. Fine with me, because Katie is annoying. She's singing Baby What Do You Want Me to Do because she's frustrated with the judges comments. Oh wow, she's so clever. Maybe if she watched herself back on tv she'd realize the judges want her to pick a song and sing it in tune for once. Shut your bitching, slut cannon. Omg she is wearing an insane amount of jewelry for this performance. It's like Forever 21 exploded, because none of the jewelry/awkward belt chains look good. She does not have the grit for this. Yet, somehow this season is scripting her comeback so maybe the judges will love it. I don't. Her earrings have tassels. I'm distracted.

The judges love it, except Simon. God bless Simon Cowell. Keeping it real, even while Kara DioGuardi is running her v-hole. That's her mouth, thanks.

Goldilocks aka Casey James

Closing the show is Casey James, which I feel average about. Jane Lynch is in the audience, which means her ears are being lynched also. Somehow that pun is less amusing with her. Casey is doing Lawdy Miss Clawdy. Not sure what that means, but here he goes. Alright he's rocking a ponytail, which somehow makes him about a thousand times sexier. Now he's doing an awkward robot dance. Sexy downgrade. Overall, it's nothing too amazing. Solid as usual, but I'm not jumping up and down. The judges are harsh, which I'm ok with because I want Bowersox to take it all.

Frack, I am done with this show. GLEEEEEE now!! I'd like to see Aaron and Andrew go home tomorrow.

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