American Idol
Aaron. If Aaron's talent were proportional to the size of his nose, I'd probably like him better. He's like a young country singer combined with a good dose of blahhhhhhh.
Andrew. I've wanted to like Andrew since the start of the show. Sadly, he isn't that great of a singer and he does really lame arrangements of songs. AND WE GET IT YOUR PARENTS WERE IN A GANG JEEZ.
Big Mike. If I hear any more references to his baby and his wife's placenta, I'll scream. I hate him. He over-performs by one thousand and, based on his size, overeats by one million.
Casey. I heard a rumor he's gay. I'd laugh so hard if this were true because he is so objectified it's ridiculous. He definitely improved this week, so maybe I'll like him more in the near future.
Crystal. I WANT TO GO TO THERE DIDGERIDOO DREADLOCKS HARMONICA SEX.
Katie. Shut up, you pretentious ho. Clearly the fact that you were raised in suburban Connecticut has conditioned you to think things will always go your way. Now they're not, and you're freaking out. I LIKE IT. PS don't wear bright pink when you sing a song like Let it Be. It makes you seem special needs. I said it.
Lee. Sexy voice, really unsexy eye movements on stage. Perhaps to mask his bowel movements. He's so nervous all the time!
Siobhan. Every week I like you a little bit less. Get back on your A-game, you stupid bitch. She's a stupid bitch.
Tim. Dear Idol producers. Please just hang a poster of a shirtless Tim during all of the performances. This is all I need from him. K thanks bye.
The rankings:
1. Crystal
2. Siobhan
3. Lee
4. Casey
5. Andrew
6. Aaron
7. Tim (looks will get you everywhere, or at least to seventh place on my list)
8. Katie
9. Big Mike
America's Next Top Model
For whatever reason, I've gone from third person to addressing these contestants directly. Deal with it.
Alasia. You are a super crazy bitch who causes an assload of drama. You also take great pictures. Therefore, I like you.
Alexandra. I would forget who you are if you weren't the token "plus-sized" girl. Listen Tyra, you already picked Whitney. I know you'll never pick another plus-sized girl again. Just give it up.
Angelea. You look the most tranny out of everyone, so that gives you at least a B in my gradebook. You also take really good pictures so I forgive the fact that your attitude is sort of grating.
Anslee. Your nickname is "Asslee." That's all.
Brenda. Molly Ringwald called. She wants her look back. But not your personality.
Jessica. You are insane and you make me really uncomfortable. So, you're also high on my list.
Krista. For whatever reason, I find you super bland.
Raina. MUST WIN MUST WIN MUST WIN.
The rankings:
1. Raina
2. Alasia
3. Angelea
4. Jessica
5. Alexandra
6. Krista
7. Anslee
8. Brenda
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