Movie Review: Date Night

Alright, so here is my first attempt at "rant reviewing." Whatever that means. Unfortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, which means that anyone who doesn't watch 30 Rock will have to suffer through several highly sophisticated and artsy references to that show. Fortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, who (along with Steve Carrell) is the only thing that prevents this dung pile from being complete and utter cinematic diarrhea. I'm talking KFC Double Down diarrhea. It's that bad.

Here's what I don't like about this movie:

1. It's rarely funny

2. The script sucks

3. There is a correlation between my first two points

4. Most of the acting is terrible

5. The end credits feature outtakes, which if strung together for 90 minutes, would have made a better movie

6. Not once does anyone make a Mean Girls reference

7. I had to babysit my super drunk friend, who promised he wouldn't fall asleep, and then was unable to stay awake. Also, I had to pee for a good thirty minute time span towards the end.

8. It made me miss Baby Mama. Yeah. I said it.

9. As I said in my last post, I'm on steroids for a chest infection so everything makes RIHA SMASH. Had I started my steroid treatment when I saw the movie? No. Does that belittle my point? DOES MY FIST BELITTLE YOUR FACE?

10. I would rather experience the menstrual cycle than rewatch that movie. I'm talking heavy flow, wide-set vagina, jumbo tampons flow. AT LEAST SOMEBODY MADE A MEAN GIRLS REFERENCE.

Phew. I'll knock off the all caps. Sorry, roids rager. It happens. I'm going to be sad when that's no longer a scapegoat for my bad behavior.

I suppose the best thing about the film was that there was a trailer for Sex and the City 2, which set the bar for mindless garbage unbelievable low. Like, Verna low. OH THAT'S 30 ROCK FOR YOU, BY THE WAY. Yes, I already broke my all caps promise. Anyway, compared to the promise of Sex and the City 2, Date Night looks like friggin' Casablanca. Still, this movie isn't worth your time, unless you really, really, really, really like the leads. They're the only mildly redeeming factors.

Also, this movie is super depressing. Someday, I would like to settle down with a mildly attractive gentleman who can handle the crazy soup I'm ladling him, start a family, and live as a passive aggressive house husband. This movie makes it look like anyone who's married for more than ten years turns into a robot with no joy whatsoever. Apparently the only cure for this terrible rut is a plot so ludicrous that Fox Mulder would have his doubts. Old school with that one, I realize. I just want a nice house, a man that is always into me no matter what, and children who grow up in a world where passing gas is socially acceptable. Is that so much to ask?

Additionally, WTF with the guest stars?!? This isn't Valentine's Day. You don't need to cast famous people just to build an audience. Perhaps that money could have gone towards script revisions or a Taco Bell product placement, so at least I would have been motivated to eat something delicious after the movie. Oh, and someone in my group confused Viola Davis and Taranji P. Henson and IT WASN'T ME. I need to stop using caps right now, what the what.

Date Night: 1.5/5 stars