Single Review: Parachute

For the uninitiated, Parachute is a song from Cheryl Cole's debut album, 3 Words. Now, I'm guessing almost none of you have heard this song. Those of you who know Cheryl either know her as the pretty judge on the UK X Factor or as the pretty lady on Perez Hilton who should divorce her husband that has a girly name. Heh heh, his name is Ashley.

I've chosen this song to make an important point about metaphors. Here are a few lyrics from the song:

"Baby if I got you I don't need a parachute" and then "you're gonna catch me, you're gonna catch if I fall."

If you want to hear the whole song, check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rr8nqaCw8Ic

I'm pretty sure she's lip syncing, so it's practically the same as the studio version.

I think what she's trying to say is obvious, but she's chosen a terrible example. If you want to be obvious, don't try to get clever. Look at this dude:

It doesn't get much clearer than that.

I don't know if Cheryl Cole has ever used a parachute, but it doesn't stop you from falling. It only slows your inevitable fall. So according to her, being single=parachute to stop fall. Being in a relationship=manchute to stop fall. Yet neither stop a fall, so falling isn't what's bothering Cheryl.

Therefore, I must conclude that she is only looking for something to cushion the fall, because she's going to fall no matter what. News flash. If you don't have a parachute, you're just going to fall harder. This poor dude is going to try and catch a falling Cheryl, who doesn't have a parachute. She's going to kill him, obviously depending on the height of her jump. Clearly if she jumps from like ten feet, both the guy and the parachute are moot. Now, if this guy is latched onto her back, manchute-style, then they're both screwed.

Some of you might be thinking, "Riha. He's stopping a 'metaphorical fall.' Aka, he's there for her when things get tough." To which I would agree, he could be stopping a metaphorical fall. But, then you have to investigate the concept of a metaphorical parachute to complete the comparison. I don't even know how to make sense of that. I did a Google image search of "metaphorical parachute" and this is what came up first:

It's someone touching a dog's butt. I rest my case.

So, I think the most logical way to make this metaphor is as follows:

"Baby if I got you, you'll catch me in my parachute." She wears the parachute to prevent mutual death, but she's got a guy who will catch her. It's not perfect, but it's an improvement.

I've taken the liberty of writing some song lyrics with metaphors that make a lot of sense to me. If any budding songwriters come across this site, please feel free to contact me so we can negotiate the royalties for these inevitable hits.

"Boy you're like a face wash, you splash away my life dirt."

"An individual is who I is, don't treat me like no bowling pin."

"I'm so so happy as of late, like eating a whole bacon plate!"

"My blender rocks and shakes awkwardly and usually goes more quickly than I thought, just like our sex times."

PS Parachute, despite my issues, is catchy as shit. That's all that really matters.

Rating: 4/5 stars.