Food Review: The KFC Double Down

Before I get started, I would like to say that I am not planning to make a habit of reviewing food (or other non-pop culture entities). However, the novelty of reviewing something like this is too great to resist so here we go. For those of you who don't know, this is what the Double Down looks like:

It's two pieces of chicken, pepperjack cheese, bacon, and special sauce. I will be honest. I was terrified to review the Double Down because that implied I would have to eat the thing. I thought that if there were one food item that could actually kill me, this would be it. Before I drove to KFC, I wrote my obituary, gave it to my roommate, and told her to send it to the newspaper should I die. This is what it read:

"Riha was a friggin' sweet dude. He was really tall, and despite this, was still able to not play basketball for all of his life. He was supremely talented at quoting song lyrics and inventing literal choreography. Before he passed away, he listed his ideal deaths and fortunately death by fried chicken was number three on his list, after dying in a freak stage production and being killed by a television monster, like in The Ring. He is survived by a well-worn snuggie, a half-consumed pint of Ben & Jerry's, and an unopened bottle of Pepto which, ironically, might have saved his life."

Yes, I was fully prepared to meet my end at the hands of the Double Down. Yet, somehow I am still here to write about the experience post-Double Down. Ergo, I went through undue stress at the thought of consuming it. After giving things a bit of thought, the culprit is pretty obvious:

BREAD!

Yes, bread is the evil entity here. Look at the following image.

If you're a fatty like me, you might recognize this as the Burger King Whopper. It looks pretty healthy, at least compared to the Double Down. WELL GUESS WHAT?!?! IT HAS MORE CALORIES AND FAT THAN THE DOUBLE DOWN. Yet it looks healthier for you because of the bread (and vegetables I suppose, but they're off the hook this time). If I put two pieces of bread on a Double Down, I'm pretty sure people wouldn't be as instantly repulsed and I wouldn't have freaked out. Hell, if I threw a piece of lettuce there people might even call it downright healthy. Yes, I know that's not true, but people wouldn't be instantly scoffing at the Double Down if it were dressed up like the Whopper. Because bread is constantly scheming to get people to eat unhealthy foods, I have to imagine the planning session for the Double Down went something like this:

KFC Exec 1: "Guys, my grandmother passed away after a long and difficult battle."

KFC Exec 2: "Oh no, what happened?!?"

Exec 1: "It was bread. She finally lost her battle with bread."

Exec 2: "DAMNIT!!! I'M SO SICK OF BREAD DESTROYING LIVES AND RUINING FAMILIES"

Exec 1: "I wish there were something we could do to break bread's icy cold grip on society."

Exec 2: "I've got it!! We'll make a sandwich with NO bread!!"

Exec 1: "That's crazy! Everybody knows that a sandwich has to include bread! People will never go for it."

Exec 2: "We can do it. If we create a sandwich without bread that has similar nutrition facts to sandwiches with bread, we can stop the evils of the bread industry and save the world! Do it for your grandma! We can use chicken for bread, because that's what we're all about at KFC!"

Exec 1: "Ok! But can we put bacon, cheese, and sauce on it? My grandma loves those also."

Exec 2: "Done."

Society: "AHHH THERE'S NO BREAD IT MUST BE DISGUSTING!!!!!"

And that's where we are now. Society is still in denial, but if more people are brave, then perhaps bread will finally stop being such a plague on humanity.

In order to help KFC, I've taken the liberty of drafting a few new slogans for the Double Down that might encourage people to get over their fear and try the damn thing.

"Science has yet to show that eating the KFC Double Down results in health problems or death, so come on over!"

"Kirstie Alley hasn't ever had a Double Down, so don't blame us!"

"KFC gives money to help orphans in Somalia and makes something called the Double Down!"

"If you have a strong stomach or come prepared with some medication, eating the Double Down will not make you shit everywhere."

There, I think that's a good start.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars, because I'm not a huge fan of pepperjack cheese.