Thursday, April 29, 2010

TV Review: Brothers and Sisters

Alright, I've watched Brothers and Sisters (or as the highly educated call it, Bros and Hos) for quite a while and the show has had some ups and downs for me. I'd call this season a down, for sure. Granted, it's not dead Meredith/deer revival/tumor fantasy bad like Grey's Anatomy, but things haven't been great. I would like to take this time to offer a general outline for an episode of Bros and Hos, but first I must introduce you to our cast of characters.

Nora. Everything you need to know about Nora comes from the fact that she's played by Sally Field. Thing Steel Magnolias plus a different set of babies. Nora pretty much spends the entire hour complaining about her children's lives and trying to meddle/control them. Occasionally she gets a love interest, but it's always gross and weird because she's old. Old love is nasty.

I'm sorry if this picture made anyone vomit.

Sarah. Sarah is Nora's oldest child and one of the titular Bros and Hos, because she has several siblings. Haha tit-u-lar. Anyway, she's the best character and given this season, that's not saying much. She has a French boyfriend, played by the naked guy in the Sex and the City movie. This is a pretty good storyline, but when anything has to deal with Ojai (pronounced Oh Hi, but sometimes my brain turns it into Oh HAYYYYY) Foods, which is the family business, this get super duper annoying. More on this later.

Tommy. Tommy is the worst character times one thousand. He was so bad he was written off of the show for a while, but I also suspect the actor who plays him is a giant turd. Look up Balthazar Getty and you'll probably see some pictures of him with Sienna Miller that make you wonder how he bagged her because he's uglier and less successful. RUN-ON! Tommy's role is to bitch about everything. "Wahhhh Sarah got to be CEO of Ojai. She has a business degree and more experience, but I'm entitled because I'm a man and she's a lady." "Wahhh my wife left me even though I made illegal business deals and disappeared to Mexico right after our child was born. Pity me." "Wahhhh NOBODY LIKES ME."

Kevin. Kevin is the gay child. He's super uptight, which is reflected in the fact that he's a lawyer and a political campaign manager. He's pretty tolerable, given that his partner Scottie is perhaps the most sympathetic tertiary character here. However, his most recent storyline is absurd.

OMG I'm already tired and I don't even want to finish. I'll give extremely brief descriptions of the other characters.

Kitty. Republican and uptight.

Justin. Former druggie and maybe dyslexic, now in med school. Was in army, like Buster Bluth.

Alright, these are the Bros and Hos. Anyway, the show used to be super engaging and dramatic, with hidden mistresses and secret children, but now it's sort of become a caricature of itself. Either the episode is super formulaic, or they develop a highly implausible new plotline.

I've taken the liberty of writing a template script.

(Kitty on phone)

Kitty: Hay Sarah, I'm planning to do something political but since mom is a liberal and generally resents my conservatism, keep it a secret.

Sarah: Oh for sure, this will never get out. PS this is actually a three-way call and Kevin is on the line.

Kevin: Sorry I can't talk, I have to go off to some lawyer thing, but I'm here with Justin talking about legal blah blah blah and you're on speaker phone so he knows too.

Justin: Yeah and I just texted messaged everyone alive except for Nora, so clearly this secret will never get out. Can't wait for our big family dinner where we drink wine and blurt things!

Sarah: Alright, I have to go into work at Ojai with our dad's former mistress who now owns half of the company, kind of inexplicably, and has a daughter that's married to Justin, which is kind of weird if you stop to think about it.

Cut to family dinner after secret is revealed.


Then they make up and everything is back to normal. I actually managed to get a picture of the Bros and Hos storyboard for the series:

That being said, it still makes me cry a lot and the acting is good.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Monday, April 26, 2010

Pitch Idea: KNIFE LAW

Alright, today I had the inspiration for a new blog segment. Clearly I am obsessed with music/TV/movies, so naturally I have aspirations to create my own music/TV/movies. To get my budding Hollywood career off the ground, I will start by pitching some of my concepts here on the blog. My first idea (this is a real winner, let me tell you) is a crime movie called Knife Law. I definitely have to give credit to my friend Julia, who is equally (if not more) responsible for these brilliant, Oscar-worthy ideas.

Here's the brief plot synopsis:

Terrence Knife is a bad-ass New York City cop, who plays by his own rules. Aided by his team of rule-bending law-enforcers, he scours the city for crime and eliminates it using his weapon of choice: a knife. When a criminal mastermind kidnaps one of his teammates, Knife will stop at nothing to gain back his lost ally. With the help of his team, the sassy chief of police, and his mysterious and sexy ex-wife, Knife will overcome the demons of his past and stop at nothing to defeat his most difficult adversary yet.


"KNIFE LAW: This is what happens when you bring a knife to a gunfight!"

"KNIFE LAW: All is fair in love and knife-war."

"KNIFE LAW: Time to cut evil's cake."

Wait for it, there will be more ideas later in this post. Let me introduce you to the cast of characters:

Terrence Knife
He is the hero of our story. Although he's abrasive, he always follows his own moral code which he calls, "Knife Law." He's a tough, bitter man, still hurting from the disappearance of his son long ago. He is the only man in the history of Weapon's Academy to graduate valedictorian with a focus in knife work, which is a skill he developed after traumatic childhood incidents impeded him from using forks and spoons. He loves his team, but often butts heads with the chief of his department. He is very well trained with all bladed weapons, but vehemently refuses to wield a sword. As we learn later, the only mistake he's ever made was hunting a criminal with a sword, because he accidentally killed a young boy in the process.

She is Knife's ex-wife and the mother of his presumably dead child. She still resents Knife for neglecting her after their son's disappearance. After too many nights of neglect, she walked out on Knife and accused him of being married to his work. Now, loneliness and bitterness have made her a tough, resentful person. Nevertheless, she is one of the most skilled machete-wielders alive and has managed to maintain her ability throughout the years. She is also inexplicably much younger than Knife, even though most of the story suggests they've known each other for almost all of their lives. She will be played by an incredibly hot actress.

Gunnar McRifleton
Gunnar was Knife's roommate at Weapon's Academy. He constantly resented Knife's ability to outscore him, even when Gunnar was using a gun and Knife was only using a knife. As it turns out, Gunnar's son was the boy Knife killed with the sword, which caused Gunnar to go insane. He has spent his time in isolation, plotting the perfect revenge against Knife...a revenge he is finally ready to put into action.

Shiv is completely a brilliant, but physically weak member of Knife's team. His gift is being able to fashion a bladed weapon out of anything nearby. Shiv's brilliance is essential to Gunnar's diabolical scheme, so he is kidnapped very early on in the story. Shiv is easily terrified, but is incredibly loyal to Knife since Knife is a father figured to the orphaned Shiv. Shiv's past will be explored more thoroughly in the sequel, "Knife Law 2: Slice of Hell"

Ivan the Impaler
Ivan is a man of few words, but is incredibly strong. He wields a broadsword, which makes Knife a bit uncomfortable around him. Ivan has also proven his strength and loyalty many times, but it seems as if he has a past that still haunts him. This, again, is sequel material.

A diminutive, smacktalking man is saved from the streets and joins the crew. Although he initially has problems controlling his urge to stab everything, he eventually learns to control his impulses and, mostly, only stabs what Knife tells him to. His broad experiences on the streets equip him to make several sassy one-liners and he often keeps things "real."

K-Knife is Knife's canine companion, a Doberman equipped with the ability to stab. K-Knife frequently comes with the team on expeditions, but often is Knife's only companion at home. Although they are tough on the streets, K-Knife and and Knife are very good friends back in Knife's studio apartment. K-Knife and Lil'Stabby initially do not get along very well, but a friendship is forged by the end of the film.

Sassy McHatter
Sassy is the chief-of-police, a woman who has known Knife for a very long time. Although she often receives flack for the way she lets Knife enforce the law, she knows the burden he is carrying and often shows him more compassion than he deserves when it comes to work. She knows he works with a team of vigilantes, but looks the other way because he produces results.

Gunnar's mysterious right-hand man/lady. He/she constantly shows up to sabotage our heroes with his/her explosives, which makes him/her a very dangerous foe. His/her true identity will be revealed in the movie's final act.

So, I think it's only appropriate that each of the main characters gets his or her own poster.

"Knife: When he finds the deck stacked against him, he SLICES THROUGH IT!"

"Machete: She'll cook you up a pot of BLEEDING DEATH."

"K-Knife. Who needs just a K-9 when you can have K-KNIFE?"

"Gunnar: "Why shoot the moon when he can just shoot your face?"

"Ivan the Impaler: Ivan stab. You die."

"Shiv: I saw the knife in the marble and I carved until I set it free."

Yes, I could do this all day.

OMG the best part is the plot. Check this out, bullet points style
  • We're introduced to our heroes at the beginning of the film, minus Machete and Lil'Stabby (they come in later). We seem them seamlessly stop crime.
  • Shiv is kidnapped by a mysterious figure.
  • Knife and crew look for Shiv, but don't have any leads. In this scene we discover Knife's resistance to swords but not the reason why.
  • Character building scene with Knife and K-Knife at home, where we discover how alone they both are.
  • Meanwhile, Shiv is being tortured for information by none other than Gunnar, Knife's former classmate.
  • While on the streets, Ivan is cornered by a group of thugs and is rescued by a foulmouthed hobo--Lil'Stabby.
  • Ivan brings Lil'Stabby back to headquarters, where Sassy and Knife fight over Stabby's future. Eventually, Knife wins and Lil'Stabby joins the team. K-Knife is jealous.
  • More torture/plot development with Shiv and Gunnar. We learn about Gunnar and Knife's time at Weapon's Academy and Gunnar's jealousy.
  • Knife comes to work to discover a woman meeting with Sassy. When she leaves, he realizes it's Machete and they talk. She makes several comments about how he's dedicated to work and doesn't have time for anything else. Sassy refuses to divulge the purpose of Machete's visit and we also discover that Machete is Knife's ex-wife.
  • Knife begins training Lil'Stabby to control his violent instincts. Although Lil'Stabby's heart is in the right place, he just can't seem to get the hang of it. K-Knife isn't pleased.
  • Knife sends Ivan to get more training materials for Lil'Stabby, when Grenade attacks him. Although Ivan manages to escape, Grenade leaves a clue that he is aware of Shiv's whereabouts. Also, based on this scene, the audience can deduce that Grenade was the one who kidnapped Shiv in the opening of the film.
  • While examining the scene of the Grenade attack, Knife and crew are attacked by the same gang from the beginning of the film. Without Shiv, the group's chemistry seems to be off and they begin to fear that they might be killed. Luckily, Machete comes in to save the day and scares of the criminals. She was back for another meeting with Sassy, but saw them in trouble and helped. Although Machete is still closed off and antagonistic towards Knife, her fighting clearly helped complete the group.
  • At home, Knife watches home movies and breaks down. You can see from this movies that he had a son named Cutlery who has been gone for a long time. K-Knife is there for Knife.
  • Cut to Shiv and Gunnar. We learn that Gunnar's diabolical scheme is to create a gun that shoots knives and he needs Shiv to create the knife bullets.
  • Training Lil'Stabby is progressing. Knife seems frustrated, but in this session Lil'Stabby finally has a breakthrough. It seems that Lil'Stabby has finally managed to control himself with knives. Eager and excited, he asks for sword training and Knife freaks out. He leaves and Sassy, who has been watching from the background, reveals that Knife accidentally killed a boy with a sword while pursuing a criminal. This was right before Cutlery went missing, so he feels like his son's death was karmic justice for accidentally killing another boy. In essence, he blames himself for the death of both boys. Machete is also there for another meeting, and you can see that she was moved by Knife's reaction.
  • Knife is outside headquarters and Machete comes to talk to him. She says that she forgives him for leaving her and that although things grew apart and he left her lonely, she understands that things are hard for him. Here is where we learn that Machete is Cutlery's mother. Knife and Machete end up doing the nasty and then Machete feels guilty and leaves immediately after.
  • At home, Knife and K-Knife are enjoying a peaceful evening before they are attacked by Grenade. Again, Grenade leaves a clue. This time, it's a picture of Machete at home, clearly taken by someone she doesn't notice. Knife deduces that this means Machete is in danger, so he and K-Knife rush off to warn her.
  • When they arrive, Machete's house is destroyed in an explosion. Knife breaks down again.
  • At work, the crew learns about what happened and Lil'Stabby manages to set aside his smacktalking ways and actually consoles Knife. K-Knife is moved by this gesture, but returns to glaring when Lil'Stabby looks at him, because tough-ass dogs don't like to look vulnerable.
  • Then a ragged looking Machete enters. It turns out she escaped the blast AND managed to track Grenade back to Gunnar's hideout at Death Tower (the nickname for an abandoned building in the bad part of town)
  • She reveals that she has been working with Sassy to help stop Gunnar, but didn't want to involve Knife because of a secret she found out.
  • Immediately cut to Shiv and Gunnar. Gunnar cranks up the torture to a whole new level and Shiv finally caves. Once that happens, Gunnar reveals the depth of his hatred for Knife. The little boy that Knife killed with the sword was actually Gunner's son. Shiv begins to create the knife bullets.
  • We cut back to our heroes (that was Machete's secret).
  • United, our group goes to Death Tower to stop Gunnar.
  • After defeating many henchmen in awesome battle scenes, our group gets separated. Knife and Machete are split from Ivan, K-Knife, and Lil'Stabby.
  • Ivan's group comes across Shiv, who is unconscious but still alive. After they revive him, he apologizes for finishing the knife bullets. Lil'Stabby struggles to resist stabbing Shiv (because he is a stranger) and K-Knife helps him. This moment of camraderie moves Lil'Stabby and he complete overcomes his urge to stab indiscriminately, forever controlling this instinct. It also seems that the earlier tension between Lil'Stabby and K-Knife has subsided
  • Meanwhile, Machete and Knife are attacked by Grenade in a large, dramatic room with several statues and coats of armor. During the fight, Machete is knocked unconscious. Angered by this, Knife gives everything he has into one final attack, and manages to stab the shit out of Grenade. Before Knife delivers the coup de grace, Gunnar appears, laughing.
  • Like most evil villains, Gunnar chooses to reveal all of the important plot points. He talks about kidnapping Shiv, creating the gun that shoots knives, and his vendatta regarding Knife killing his son. However, the biggest twist comes here! Gunnar reveals that he kidnapped Cutlery and raised him as his own. In that moment, Knife realizes that Grenade is his lost son and he just stabbed the shit out of him. It seems that Grenade/Cutlery is now unconscious and almost dead.
  • Gunnar activates the building's self-destruct sequence, which totally makes sense to exist for a building. He and Gunnar fight, but Gunnar clearly has the upper hand with his knife bullets. Knocked into a corner, Gunnar is about to finish Knife when Knife notices that one of the coats of armor is still holding a large sword. Although a moment of hesitation flashes in his eyes, he picks up the sword and fights back. In a rage, he attacks Gunnar and mercilessly kills him, chopping of his head/limbs, etc.
  • Knife then realizes he has only three minutes to escape the building. Both Machete and Cutlery are injured and need help moving. He realizes he can only save one of them in time. Cutlery comes to and tells Knife that he forgives him for everything and loves him. He also says that he needs to pay for the evil things he did with Gunnar and that Knife should save Machete. Although Knife is sure he can save both, his attempts fail. At Cutlery's tearful request, he leaves him in the room and saves Machete.
  • We next see the building destroyed and the rest of the crew is outside. A haggard looking Knife comes, with Machete.
  • A week later, Knife visits Cutlery's tombstone. While he's there, Machete comes to join him. After a moment of silence, she asks if they found Cutlery's body. Knife says no, but there's no way he could have survived that explosion. Machete looks sad, but tells Knife he did everything he could. She also reveals that Sassy has given her a job on the force and she'll be joining Knife's team. They kiss briefly, and then notice something suspicious. One of the pins from a grenade is on the tombstone. Perhaps Cutlery is still alive...

Hey Oscars, here I come. This movie has everything. Sex. Action. Smack-talking short people. A dog with a knife taped to its head. Tears. Laughter. Everybody will want to see it.

Buy your tickets now.

Rating: 5/5 stars.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

TV Review: Party Down

Alright, time for another review. I received a comment on Friday saying "MORE REVIEWS" and since I hadn't posted in 36 hours, it was completely legitimate to demand more work from me. Oh wait, I worked until 10pm on both Thursday, Friday, and Saturday so I'm sorry that my inability to crank out a review every day prevented you from properly procrastinating.

Anyway, I'm sitting here while my roommate watches Skins (not reviewing it now, but perhaps soon) and I'm gorging myself on Fritos and A&W. Pretty sweet, except for the fact that the weather here in basically like that Helen Hunt movie where her dad's death at the hands of a tornado prompts her to spend her life hunting twisters. Sort of like Moby Dick, but instead of powerful literature it's a movie with the chick from Dr T. and the Women. And instead of a legendary whale, she's personifying weather.

Ok! Skins is over. Time to put on some Party Down while I write about Party Down. This is an incredibly meta moment, which is an expression I use quite indiscriminately and might not even apply to what's happening right now.

The bottom line is that I love this show, and here's why.

1. It's on Starz, so there's plenty of sex, drugs, swearing, and nudity. This is better that tv without those things. This is science.

2. Jane Lynch has a starring role and she's my favorite part of the show. Unfortunately, she left the show for Glee, but that led her to being replaced by Jennifer Coolidge and then Megan Mullally. That is one cougar pack of awesome. Or I guess, cougar pride of awesome.

3. It's friggin' funny. Like, this funny:

So, everyone should watch this show. It's good satire and there's all of the dirty stuff I mentioned before. To give some perspective on my tastes, here are some things I hate irrationally (in no particular order):

1. The ending(s) of The Return of the King. They're so unnecessary. I've already sat through three hours of the damn movie, I only require some basic closure. Jesus.

2. Rihanna's vocal performance on the song Unfaithful. I generally like her, but on this song she sounds like a cat with diarrhea. Also, the song's message is gross.

3. Ugg boots that are worn as a fashion statement. If you're trying to be trendy, it's not working. If you're trying to prevent frostbite, go for it. Crocs are in a similar category, except there isn't a weather-related justification.

4. This clown-face:

5. Running out of funny ideas for a post because I'm too bloated with Frito's farts.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Single Review: Blah Blah Blah

Oh boy. Ke$ha. I don't even know where to start with this human trainwreck. For my readers who prefer NPR, A&E, or French cinema, you probably have no idea who Ke$ha is. You're also not reading this blog because you have class and taste. Anyway, for those reading who don't know what Ke$ha is, this is Ke$ha:

Apparently this classy princess has been enjoying the nice weather at the park. Ke$ha is notorious for making trashy pop about going to the club, getting drunk, and molesting guys. Her whole persona is based on the idea that she wants to flip the trend of objectifying women. In other words, her songs almost always present men as an object--something only necessary for sexual gratification. YES WE KNOW! Women are treated terribly in pop music. I occasionally listen to rap when I'm angry, so I know these things. But I'm not quite sure Ke$ha's approach is going to change society. I was a math major so let me present Ke$ha's logic mathematically.

More objectification > Less objectification

Now that guys are being objectified, the issues associated with objectification will disappear! YES NO MORE SEXISM!

Conversely, Ke$ha might not care about the treatment of women in pop music and just wants to even the playing field. If objectification comes from all angles, then it's not a problem! We're all suffering equally! Although I think this just makes things worse, maybe some of the pop songs I've penned will finally get off the ground. Wait for "You're Just a Penismobile" to hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

Anyway, I've managed to get this far without discussing the song at hand: Blah Blah Blah. I'm not a expert at noticing subtle themes, but I think this song is more or less about Ke$ha getting super drunk at a bar, taking a guy to the jukebox, and doing him nasty as long as he doesn't talk to her. Attention vaginas! This is empowering! You have the power to make really terrible decisions, just like men! Pop some Krystal, take it in a new hole, and perhaps get an STI!! YOUR GENDER IS SAVED, THANKS KE$HA!!

Honestly, I think all of this is moot. I don't think Ke$ha has an agenda aside from making money. To that end, I actually think she's quite brilliant. She's constructed an image that represents the increasingly popular trend of irresponsibility. TFLN, FML, Jeresy Shore, etc...society is getting more and more morally bankrupt. Promiscuity, alcoholism, and violence are increasingly valued and she's capitalizing on all of it. She writes almost all of her songs and therefore knows exactly what she's doing and trying to say. It's genius. As someone who enjoys alcohol and being touched in his swimsuit area, I can relate to a song that encourages me to drink and get touched down thurr. This was the pitch meeting with her label:

Ke$ha: "Oh hay bois, I'm here 2 tell u about my new music ideas" (Yes, she speaks like bad texting).

Exec: "Um, ok well show us what you've got, but I mean that musically because I want you to put your pants back on."

Ke$ha: "Lolzcopter, alright i can dew that. This first song iz about SEXXXX!"

Exec: "Um, you can't even sing...but this 80's arcade game beat is CATCHY!!"

Ke$ha: "ROTFTMVWYW!!! Hahahahahahaha sweet. Wanna get drunk?"

Exec: "If being drunk and high all the time helps me write songs as catchy as this, then sign me up!"

And scene. Out of fairness, I've decided to include a real picture of Ke$ha for comparison. Tell me this doesn't give you deja vu.

I don't even know. Her songs are catchy, but she's super untalented and is a big skank. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

There Are No Bad Ideas in Brainstorming

...But there are ideas that I think are dumb and therefore will not use. However, I will keep my personal opinion a secret. Here's my point--I want to know your ideas/suggestions for topical pop culture reviews. I have several review ideas on the docket (so my creativity isn't going anywhere soon) but I would like to think about new shows/songs/movies that I should investigate for the blog. Anyway, head to the comments section to throw out some ideas. And expect a super sassy review tomorrow!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

TV Review: Academy of Country Music Awards

Ok, I know what you're thinking:

"Hey Riha, what's a big gaylord like you doing watching the Academy of Country Music Awards? Isn't that genre just for people who are less gay than you? Why would someone SO GAY want to spend three hours watching country music performances and awards? Also, gaybrain, do you even know anything about country music? GAY."

First of all, you're being rude for assuming that being gay precludes me from enjoying country music. Sure, I tend to prefer sassy country chicks to songs that are like "I country bumpkined my lady behind the tractor," but I still like the genre. Secondly, you can lay off the gay language. That's inappropriate and offensive, so check your tone. I'm highly affronted.

So, I watched all three hours of the ACM awards (I've busted out the abbrev, keep up) for a few reasons:

1. I really don't have a life, I'll take any excuse to jump into my "around-the-house" snuggie, and I enjoy sitting on my couch, motionless. Like a beached whale.
2. I have a metaphorical boner for Miranda Lambert and I wanted to see her win a bunch of trophies that look like modern art, but are actually made out of plastic. Check out Carrie Underwood. She's getting more action than I am, that's for sure. But the real point here is that the trophy looks stupid.

3. Guys at the ACM awards can be SUPER HOT and tend to wear really tight jeans. I saw Tim McGraw's penis when he was singing. Well done, Faith Hill.
4. I was having a low self-esteem day and knew that at least one performance would make me cry, because sometimes country music is DAMN SAD and usually has a deceptive title. A song called "I'm in Love" might actually have a chorus like this:

I'm in love with a girl
Pretty as can be
Life would be so happy
Were it her and me

But tragically
We can never love
Because she was killed
A plane fell from above

Yeah, so I expected waterworks because country music likes to MESS WITH YOUR MIND.

Anyway, Reba McEntire was hosting, which was super distracting because I tend to think in pop culture references, so everytime she was on screen I saw this:

FYI Reba's supposed to be on the left, if you're confused. I swear to God she said she would be hanging out backstage and I thought to myself, "HANGIN LIKE MY NUTS." So, to that end, Reba was a good choice of host because I kept myself entertained, but when she got on stage and sang I Keep On Lovin You, the Keenan imagery got awkward. My imagination is too vivid. And to take you right there with me, it was gay interracial sex imagery between the two pictured. You're welcome. YOU CAN'T UNREAD THAT.

Ok, this post is definitely digressing. I don't really have a rant here aside from "I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC PENDING THE THEMATIC NATURE OF THE SONG" so I might wrap things up soon. Miranda Lambert won Album of the Year, Top Female Vocalist, and Video of the Year and I was super happy about that. Then she sang The House That Built Me, which is about going back to your childhood home after you've moved on. Since my childhood home is being sold soon, I definitely cried an assload during that. FYI that last sentence made me picture myself crying tiny butts into the bed of a truck. Did I mention I'm still on drugs for my chest infection? That is my constant scapegoat. I'm like the kitten with the fishbowl, which is an expression I just made up so I CAN DO THIS:

This might be my worst post ever.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Monday, April 19, 2010

Food Review: The KFC Double Down

Before I get started, I would like to say that I am not planning to make a habit of reviewing food (or other non-pop culture entities). However, the novelty of reviewing something like this is too great to resist so here we go. For those of you who don't know, this is what the Double Down looks like:

It's two pieces of chicken, pepperjack cheese, bacon, and special sauce. I will be honest. I was terrified to review the Double Down because that implied I would have to eat the thing. I thought that if there were one food item that could actually kill me, this would be it. Before I drove to KFC, I wrote my obituary, gave it to my roommate, and told her to send it to the newspaper should I die. This is what it read:

"Riha was a friggin' sweet dude. He was really tall, and despite this, was still able to not play basketball for all of his life. He was supremely talented at quoting song lyrics and inventing literal choreography. Before he passed away, he listed his ideal deaths and fortunately death by fried chicken was number three on his list, after dying in a freak stage production and being killed by a television monster, like in The Ring. He is survived by a well-worn snuggie, a half-consumed pint of Ben & Jerry's, and an unopened bottle of Pepto which, ironically, might have saved his life."

Yes, I was fully prepared to meet my end at the hands of the Double Down. Yet, somehow I am still here to write about the experience post-Double Down. Ergo, I went through undue stress at the thought of consuming it. After giving things a bit of thought, the culprit is pretty obvious:


Yes, bread is the evil entity here. Look at the following image.

If you're a fatty like me, you might recognize this as the Burger King Whopper. It looks pretty healthy, at least compared to the Double Down. WELL GUESS WHAT?!?! IT HAS MORE CALORIES AND FAT THAN THE DOUBLE DOWN. Yet it looks healthier for you because of the bread (and vegetables I suppose, but they're off the hook this time). If I put two pieces of bread on a Double Down, I'm pretty sure people wouldn't be as instantly repulsed and I wouldn't have freaked out. Hell, if I threw a piece of lettuce there people might even call it downright healthy. Yes, I know that's not true, but people wouldn't be instantly scoffing at the Double Down if it were dressed up like the Whopper. Because bread is constantly scheming to get people to eat unhealthy foods, I have to imagine the planning session for the Double Down went something like this:

KFC Exec 1: "Guys, my grandmother passed away after a long and difficult battle."

KFC Exec 2: "Oh no, what happened?!?"

Exec 1: "It was bread. She finally lost her battle with bread."


Exec 1: "I wish there were something we could do to break bread's icy cold grip on society."

Exec 2: "I've got it!! We'll make a sandwich with NO bread!!"

Exec 1: "That's crazy! Everybody knows that a sandwich has to include bread! People will never go for it."

Exec 2: "We can do it. If we create a sandwich without bread that has similar nutrition facts to sandwiches with bread, we can stop the evils of the bread industry and save the world! Do it for your grandma! We can use chicken for bread, because that's what we're all about at KFC!"

Exec 1: "Ok! But can we put bacon, cheese, and sauce on it? My grandma loves those also."

Exec 2: "Done."


And that's where we are now. Society is still in denial, but if more people are brave, then perhaps bread will finally stop being such a plague on humanity.

In order to help KFC, I've taken the liberty of drafting a few new slogans for the Double Down that might encourage people to get over their fear and try the damn thing.

"Science has yet to show that eating the KFC Double Down results in health problems or death, so come on over!"

"Kirstie Alley hasn't ever had a Double Down, so don't blame us!"

"KFC gives money to help orphans in Somalia and makes something called the Double Down!"

"If you have a strong stomach or come prepared with some medication, eating the Double Down will not make you shit everywhere."

There, I think that's a good start.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars, because I'm not a huge fan of pepperjack cheese.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

TV Review: America's Next Top Model

I love America's Next Top Model, which I will now refer to as ANTM for the sake of my laziness. I love ANTM a lot, despite all of the morally reprehensible things that happen under the watchful eye of Tyra Banks. Well, if I'm being completely honest, perhaps I love ANTM because of all the horrible things that happen. Every cycle (because Tyra doesn't believe in seasons) twelve to fourteen girls come together to have their self-esteem torn apart while they compete to win absolutely nothing, except for the opportunity to film commercials that will air during the following cycle. I guess they win some money or something, but clearly that doesn't do any good because the most famous winner of ANTM spends her time posting pictures of her boobs on Twitter.

Anyway, these girls endure horrible things, but it's alright because they're usually completely insane and therefore I am okay with watching their lives fall apart. After seeing over thirteen cycles of this show, I have managed to make the following observations.

1. If you're an ANTM contestant and you gain around five pounds, you will be treated like an elephant. This isn't an exaggeration. One cycle a contestant gained a bit of weight and had to portray an elephant in a photo shoot. Here's proof:

Where did this girl get off thinking she could ever be a model with THAT LURKING HULK OF A FIGURE?!?

2. If you have a pre-existing condition that you don't want on camera, don't tell Tyra. Otherwise, she will find it and exploit it in order to make it look like she's there for you. Tyra has helped girls handle epilepsy, Aspergers, blindness, burns, random fainting, dyslexia, and many other things. Her solution? Tell the girls that they're beautiful no matter what and expose their condition on national television. Sure, none of the aforementioned conditions applied to any of the winners of the show, but I'm sure that those girls still felt beautiful as they were being eliminated from a beauty competition. Oh, be warned that Tyra will go to ridiculous lengths to exposes these secrets. I had no idea there was a girl with dyslexia one cycle until the episode where they had a READING challenge. Deliberate.

3. If you audition for ANTM, you are going to get a make-over should you make it through the first few weeks of the competition. This could mean a variety of things.

a) Very little will change
b) Your hair will change color
c) Your hair will get shorter
d) You will get a weave, possibly to make your hair longer.

If any of these possibilities might cause you to burst into uncontrollable hysterics, perhaps ANTM isn't right for you. As a viewer, I love seeing the bi-annual makeover meltdown because it provides great drama. However, it always bugs me that some ungrateful skankbot gets to be on national TV but isn't willing to change her hair. I have a newsflash there. Unless you grew up by Chernobyl, your hair will grow back. So please feel free to cry for the sake of the show, but know that nobody in the audience is rooting for you because you're coming across both crazy and entitled at the same time.

4. If you're a catalog model, you probably shouldn't watch ANTM. Your career is going to be insulted at some point. If you do choose to watch and end up offended, I offer the following picture to console you:

5. I'm glad they took Miss Jay off the judging panel because, sassy as he is, I never understood his/her qualifications to judge pictures. I just know that (s)he was really good at walking in heels. However, I feel like the two of us have comparable expose to looking at a picture and critiquing the amount of neck shown.

6. Every cycle Mr. Jay looks more and more like a robot.

Well, maybe he's always looked like a robot.

7. I think we can all agree that Janice Dickinson should come back to the panel. If you every need something to help remember the proper spelling of her last name, I won't share one because mine is really gross.

Alright, these are my Top Model thoughts. This cycle, I think I'm rooting for Alasia because she is completely insane, has no filter, takes pretty good pictures, and has the best name out of anyone. I've decided to pose a few questions to my faithful readers. What other ridiculous observations have you made about the show? Who are you rooting for this cycle? Who are your favorite contestants of all time? They don't have to be good models, so feel free to say Jade if you want. I know I might.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Friday, April 16, 2010

TV Review: Modern Family

First of all,

CHECK ME OUT BITCHES, I HAVE A DOZEN FOLLOWERS! This is great. I'm in such a good mood, I'm going to write a happy review. Of all the shows on tv that make me happy, perhaps Modern Family makes me the happiest. Short sentences also make me happy! Cake batter too. Chinese food. Mmm.

Anyway, everyone ever should watch this show because it's extremely funny, has great characters, and does a good job of portraying gayness. One time I even waited until the show was over to go poop, instead of just pausing Tivo and going when I had the urge. I was that caught up in the excitement. So I want everyone ever to start watching Modern Family. Here's why:

1. You won't feel like an idiot when you're with me. I like to quote TV ALL THE TIME and I don't really plan to change my ways any time soon.

2. I won't feel like an idiot for quoting TV all the time, because you'll respond to my quotes and therefore validate that constantly quoting TV is socially acceptable.

3. If you're a lady, your boobs will get bigger. If you're a man, your penis will a permanent sense. Not a temporary sense. This is science from my research at the University of Missouri--Riha's Couch. Also, if you have both/neither parts, then you'll win the lottery. Furthermore, this point is based on a biological definition of gender. If you identify as a lady but have a pee pee, then it will rain candy next time you go outside. If you identify as a dude but have a clam trap, then you'll find twenty dollars the next time you do your laundry. Everybody wins!

4. Interestingly, the research from UMRC shows that slight boob and penis shrinkage occurred when the Modern Family watcher already possessed giant assets and wanted to reduce them.

5. Watching Modern Family makes puppies smile.


How can you live with yourself?

7. Every week I have a new favorite character, because they're all generally outstanding. I would analogize this to having a diverse quantity of items that you enjoy equally and then picking one based on your mood. If you like having options, in any context, then you'll enjoy Modern Family.

8. Judy Greer guest starred. She might have appeared in a little show called ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. Like, go buy us some coffee. I just blue myself. But where did the lighter fluid come from? POINTS ONE AND TWO JUST CAME TO PASS. So do you feel like an idiot or do you feel awesome right now?

9. Every time I watch Modern Family I bake and then eat the delicious bounty from my oven's harvest. If you watch with me, I will bake for you. The parts of this point that make sense are lies.

10. Alright, since this post has already jumped the shark, I would like to conclude by saying that this post included a reference to science in it, and you can't argue with science. So watch Modern Family. And if you need more motivation, look at that baby's face and think about what you're doing when you don't watch.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Single Review: Telephone

Alright, it's time for me to take on Lady Gaga's most recent hit. Now, I'm a bit nervous. Lady Gaga tends to inspire a great deal of blind devotion from her fans, specifically the gay ones. My previous attempts at criticism tended to yield reactions that look like this:

That's Naomi Campbell, by the way.

Anyway, I would like to start this post with a few disclaimers:

1. I like Lady Gaga's music
2. I like Lady Gaga's political leanings
3. I want Lady Gaga to be successful
4. I have no fears and weaknesses, so if you do decide to hunt me down then you're wasting your time.

All that being said, I think Gaga is full of horse doody. I think she makes very good--albeit standard--pop songs that aren't much more special than anything else on the radio. However, when she starts going off on how "she's such an artist" and "everything is so full of meaning" I want to sit her down and fish slap some sense into her. Look at it like this. Pretend it's your birthday and you get this present:

That's pretty awesome looking on the outside AND it's being pulled by a doggie. You're probably super excited because this gift looks really special and creative. You can't wait to open it and see what it's all about!! Then it turns out to be Law & Order on DVD. That's all very pleasant, and you know that you'll like it, but considering all the hype that went into the presentation you expected much more. That's Lady Gaga.

Ok, now you're Lady Gaga and you're about to release the most typical song ever. What do you do? CRAZY FRIGGIN MUSIC VIDEO!!!! Somehow, she managed to take a song about dancing in a club and turn it into a jailbreak/mass murder/sandwich making extravaganza. I actually know someone who sat in the writer's room for the video and this is how they turned Telephone into that music video.

" sandwich...sandwich...making a sandwich!"

"Phone...foam... Styrofoam...Styrofoam cup...cup...cup of coffee...diner"

"Dance...movement...bowel movement...toilet...toilet bowl...bowl...bowling...bowling alley...alley...back alley...back alley abortion...illegal...crime...criminal...jail...jail dancing"

Etcetera. Now don't get me wrong, I think the video is super fabulous. It just makes no sense and has nothing to do with the song. Even most of Madonna's crazier videos at least thematically related to the song to some degree. Plus she's Madonna and I'm pretty sure criticizing her is illegal in some parts of New York.

Let me be clear. I don't really care if she changes her songs. They're super catchy, fun, and great for dancing. Also, I'm pretty content with the music video. I mean, would you rather have Telephone's video be what it is now, or have something more along the lines of Mariah Carey's I Want to Know What Love Is? MARIAH DOESN'T EVEN MOVE IN THE VIDEO!! SHE JUST STANDS THERE. IN A BASEBALL STADIUM. THAT'S EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN LADY GAGA'S VIDEO. So naturally I'll take Telephone. It's just that I feel like some of her fans are starting to confuse her with another long-haired diva:

(Sorry Gaga
fans for any
this might

I can see a difference. Can you?

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

TV Review: V

Before I get to V, I'm going to start by talking about another science fiction show that airs on ABC: Lost. Lost is a character driven drama that features tropical polar bears, carnivorous smoke monsters, the walking dead, and a guest spot by Michelle Rodriguez. All-in-all, some crazy stuff happens on that show and most of it doesn't make sense. Time moves in strange ways, people are commonly omnipotent, and it took several seasons for Kate and Sawyer to bang.

All that being said, Lost is not nearly as ludicrous as the show V. It's also not nearly as boring. Although I'm a few episodes behind on V, let me try to give the general recap of an episode

"This week on V, the Visitors (the aliens) come up with an amazing new medical breakthrough, which they use to save many human lives. This spectacular technology was developed on their awe-inspiring mother ship, a feat of science so impressive and wonderful that the Gods themselves do tremble. Meanwhile, a rag-tag group of insurgents create sloppy, half-brained plans to stop the V that are poorly executed and show little-to-no intelligence. Although the Visitors can traverse space time and cure cancer, they have yet to develop enough surveillance technology to find these insurgents. It seems that the Visitors know everything except the whereabouts of our heroes."

And scene. So, I'm not stupid. I know that the V can't find our heroes out of convenience to the story, because it wouldn't be much of a show if the V came and killed all of the protagonists in thirty seconds. Still, it's lazy.

It's like the end of Mean Girls, when they go to the Mathletes competition. Do you really expect me to believe Lindsay Lohan outsmarted that other girl in math? No, but I do it because it works for the story and because that movie is fucking awesome. V is only batting 50% here.

I'm going to write my own story, called The Race. Here is our hero, Herbert:

Herbert is a lovable elephant from a disadvantaged background. All his life, he's been told he can't run races because he's an elephant and therefore is slow. Herbert has a good heart. He helps the elderly and writes poetry for sick children. Yet, he's constantly reminded that he can't live his dream of running a race. One day, his parents are killed in a boat crash and he has to go live with his aunt and uncle, who are strict, but sassy humans. It turns out, his uncle is a former racer and decides to help Herbert follow his dream out of pity. After several montages of hard work, Herbert starts winning races and makes it all the way to the championships!! This is the biggest race of his life, and he's prepared to make his parents proud. He's up against the fastest racer in the land, Jetman:

In an amazing turn of fate, Herbert wins the race! Everyone rejoices...even Jetman is moved by the beauty of the moment and gives Herbert an emotional hug. With his dreams complete, Herbert retires into the jungle and lives happily ever after.

NO FUCKING WAY THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE! Look at Jetman. HE'S WEARING A JET! HOW DO YOU BEAT THAT IN A RACE?!?!? Yet, for the sake of story, Herbert wins. It doesn't make sense. Not at all. That's how I feel about V. Except V lacks the emotional depth of my story.

Rating: 2/5 stars.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Single Review: Parachute

For the uninitiated, Parachute is a song from Cheryl Cole's debut album, 3 Words. Now, I'm guessing almost none of you have heard this song. Those of you who know Cheryl either know her as the pretty judge on the UK X Factor or as the pretty lady on Perez Hilton who should divorce her husband that has a girly name. Heh heh, his name is Ashley.

I've chosen this song to make an important point about metaphors. Here are a few lyrics from the song:

"Baby if I got you I don't need a parachute" and then "you're gonna catch me, you're gonna catch if I fall."

If you want to hear the whole song, check it out:
I'm pretty sure she's lip syncing, so it's practically the same as the studio version.

I think what she's trying to say is obvious, but she's chosen a terrible example. If you want to be obvious, don't try to get clever. Look at this dude:

It doesn't get much clearer than that.

I don't know if Cheryl Cole has ever used a parachute, but it doesn't stop you from falling. It only slows your inevitable fall. So according to her, being single=parachute to stop fall. Being in a relationship=manchute to stop fall. Yet neither stop a fall, so falling isn't what's bothering Cheryl.

Therefore, I must conclude that she is only looking for something to cushion the fall, because she's going to fall no matter what. News flash. If you don't have a parachute, you're just going to fall harder. This poor dude is going to try and catch a falling Cheryl, who doesn't have a parachute. She's going to kill him, obviously depending on the height of her jump. Clearly if she jumps from like ten feet, both the guy and the parachute are moot. Now, if this guy is latched onto her back, manchute-style, then they're both screwed.

Some of you might be thinking, "Riha. He's stopping a 'metaphorical fall.' Aka, he's there for her when things get tough." To which I would agree, he could be stopping a metaphorical fall. But, then you have to investigate the concept of a metaphorical parachute to complete the comparison. I don't even know how to make sense of that. I did a Google image search of "metaphorical parachute" and this is what came up first:

It's someone touching a dog's butt. I rest my case.

So, I think the most logical way to make this metaphor is as follows:

"Baby if I got you, you'll catch me in my parachute." She wears the parachute to prevent mutual death, but she's got a guy who will catch her. It's not perfect, but it's an improvement.

I've taken the liberty of writing some song lyrics with metaphors that make a lot of sense to me. If any budding songwriters come across this site, please feel free to contact me so we can negotiate the royalties for these inevitable hits.

"Boy you're like a face wash, you splash away my life dirt."

"An individual is who I is, don't treat me like no bowling pin."

"I'm so so happy as of late, like eating a whole bacon plate!"

"My blender rocks and shakes awkwardly and usually goes more quickly than I thought, just like our sex times."

PS Parachute, despite my issues, is catchy as shit. That's all that really matters.

Rating: 4/5 stars.

TV Review: Glee

Unless you live in a cave or just got out of prison, you know that Glee made its return to tv last night, following a rather tepid episode of American Idol. Naturally, I was full of excitement because this show is super super super gay and therefore fits my lifestyle. I even wore my dress snuggie for the occasion and had a fancy dinner from Domino's pizza.

After watching the episode, I was forced to face a sad reality. Yes, the show is super fabulous, the singing is great, and the one liners are hilarious. However, the plot lines are so ridiculous and poorly planned that I have to suspend my belief to the point where they could probably get away with some Lost-esque antics. Oh wait, Lost understands story structure. Bad analogy. I guess I should have thought through this paragraph before I started. TAKE NOTE, WRITERS.

Here's how I imagine the Glee storyboarding process sounds:

Producer 1: "Oh hay guys, Lionel Richie gave the rights to his song Hello. And we have Gives You Hell! And Highway to Hell! Can't wait to put these all in an episode!!"

Producer 2: "OMG you guys, Idina Menzel agreed to guest star in Glee! And that dude from Spring Awakening. People will totes mcgotes want to watch this."

Staff Writer: "Lolz I just wrote a really funny Katrina joke har har har."


They should hire this guy to handle the episodes, because he'll do a better job:

Those glasses mean business! And he's clearly literate.

So anyway, here's my plot summary of last night:

Ok so the Glee kids are back at school and everything's super awesome because they won sectionals but now they have to get ready for regionals so the best way to do that is to sing a song with the word "Hello" in it because this is a new beginning for them or some garbage and then Sue is back at school and she wants to take down the Glee club to get revenge on Will so naturally she enlists two high school girls to do her dirty work because anyone who's ever manufactured anything knows children are the best workers and adults are incapable of handling anything and then Rachel is super in love with Finn but he feels smothered so they break up and then immediately Santana and Brittany ask him out while Jesse from Vocal Adrenaline, that's their rivals btw, makes a play for Rachel and omg she's in love and it's 25 minutes into the episode and then Finn decide he does want to be with Rachel and this is about four minutes after he broke up with her and then oh wow she's with this Jesse guy and Finn thinks it's a trap and so Will goes to the Adrenaline rehearsal and Idina Menzel tries to suck his face but it doesn't work because he just divorced his wife three minutes ago and he's dating Emma but clearly that means nothing but it does because he stops and then Emma breaks up with him after Terri drops in and freaks her out because oh wait Will just got divorced five minutes ago and and so all of the relationships that started built last season are gone one episode in and pretty much all of this is moot because next week is the Madonna episode and nothing else matters.

Yes I love Glee, but I think the plot is best summarized this way:

Rating: 3/5 stars

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Album Review: Achin' and Shakin'

Alright, this is my first rant-based adventure into a piece of pop culture that isn't common to most people. Laura Bell Bundy, just today, released her debut album: Achin' and Shakin'. Ms. Bundy starred as Elle Woods in the Legally Blonde Musical and then decided, like most struggling blondes in the music industry, to go country. If there's one thing the country genre needs, it's another young blonde. It needs it like a stereo to the head.

Mean Girls separation anxiety. I'm gay.

Speaking of gay, this CD IS SO GAY! Aka even though this disc isn't terribly original, it's sassy, catchy, and therefore I like it. I'm easy to please. If I could draw a picture about this CD, it would look like this:

Thanks, internet, for the assist on that one. Also, I would probably replace the word "war" with "bad chimichangas" or something similar. And since this is a country album, I would dress the dancing naked men in chaps and cowboy hats.

So, I recommend this cd. I think you have to be able to stomach a bit of cheese, especially with the lead single: Giddy on Up. I would go into detail, but I think the music video says it all.

Note the following:

1. Bitch clearly has a Broadway background
2. The old west had cell phones?
3. If you jump out of the second story of a window, you will look hotter and gain the ability to shoot the clothes off of people. Ergo, everyone should go jump out of a second-story window. The fine people at Kellogg University should go the extra mile and jump out of a six-story window. I'm bitter.

So, you can see the campy value of this song. For those of you who condescend to that video, fortunately there are more mature songs. The "achin" half of the album, contains thoughtful lyrics and adept singing. I mean, she was on Broadway so she's definitely not Swifting through the material. (TSwizz, I love you, but singing is not your forte) Most of the other songs on the "shakin" half are a bit more subdued than Giddy on Up. Nevertheless, if there were a gay country cd, this would be it. Plus that time I just said "subdued" was a lie and most of the songs are just as tranny fabtastic as the lead. That's a really big compliment. "Beyonce" is even a lyric in the song Rebound, which is not about basketball. Although given my gayness (has that been mentioned enough?), I probably wouldn't know if it were about the sport.

Song: Blah blah blah basketball metaphor
Me: Oh, this a jaunty reference to that delightful pastime, dribbleball. Hey brain, give me a visual of the sport...


Rating: 4/5 stars

TV Review: American Idol Top 9

So, I'm watching American Idol live for the first time in a while. Therefore, as a means to help jump start my blog, I'm going to recap it. More accurately, I'm going to "live blog" it because it allows me to think and edit less, which math major Riha like much good. I use air quotes because you'll only get to see the finished product. Live blog sort of implies you'll see me write as it happens. Here you won't. So, I will break this recap into sections for each contestant. I will make an observation on their interactions with Ryan, the mentoring video clip, their performance, and the judging. Most likely I will spew nonsensical hate, because this season is awful.

This week, they are singing Elvis songs and Adam Lambert is mentoring. I imagine that conversation went like this:

Executive Producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz: "Oh hay Ken, what should we do this week?"

Executive Producer Ken Warwick: "Derrrr, Cecile, Elvis songs! We've never done that!"

Cecile: "Um, didn't we do that season five?"

Ken: "Yeah, Taylor Hicks won that season, so I'm guessing most people suppressed that."

Cecile: "Ya, fo sho. Who should we get to mentor? A rocker? Bruce Springsteen? Maybe a bigwig producer? Elvis is a big deal."

Ken: "Adam. Fucking. Lambert. He sort of has hair that looks like Elvis hair and God knows he could use the publicity."

Cecile: "Um what about the theme? He makes absolutely no sense."

Ken: "Nobody will notice, everyone that's voting is stupid as shit anyway. Look at the Top 12."

Cecile: "Fact."

And scene.

Just to help illustrate my point, I've included a picture of Elvis for those of you who don't know him slash were born in the 1990s.

This is Adam Lambert:

So you can see why people think they're similar.

IT'S STARTING! This is how American Idol is justifying Adam Lambert as the guest mentor. I shit you not.

1. Elvis was big in Vegas
2. They send the Idols to Vegas to watch Cirque du Soleil
3. Adam Lambert

So, well done there. Ryan says his tongue isn't as talented as Adam's. I'm picking up on some crazy flirting, so I'm pretty sure they're having sex, or at least at handy level. First up is...


So it's all downhill after this. She's singing a song called Saved, which has a Gospel influence. Thanks, I didn't get that from the title. Anyway, per usual, Crystal sounds amazing. It's like a rough, sexy panther having sex with a sex tiger. Sex. Rita Corny, Michael. Subtext. Anyway, I'm being unclear. The bottom line is that she's great and the judges have nothing bad to say about her.

Ryan asks, "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" Answer:

Andrew Garcia. Make sure to roll that "r."

Ok, so I'm feeling better about Adam. He straight up (oh hey, see what I did there?) called Andrew boring. He's singing Hound Dog, so I feel like he's automatically going to fail. Wow, this performance pretty much takes everything I like about the song and then Old Yellar's it. Is that grammatical? Andrew Garcia, with the revolver, in the lounge. BECAUSE THAT WAS A LOUNGE PERFORMANCE.

Anyway, I'm making less and less sense as this episode goes on. All of the judges hate it, except Ellen, who judgement is becoming more and more questionable.

Ryan, "Find out which Elvis track Tim has gone with next!" Well, Adam already spoiled Tim's song at the beginning of the episode, so clearly Ryan thinks we're all stupid. Maybe he's right. Tim is singing my favorite Elvis song and he's the worst singer here. This is going to lead to cap locks. I can feel it.

Tim Urban

He's singing Can't Help Falling in Love. Shit. I'm not excited. Adam likes it, which may lead to good things OR maybe he's being passive aggressive. You can never know with us gays. Speaking of, Tim is so uncomfortable with Adam it's funny. He's screwing with the melody because his lower register is terrible. DON'T FUCK WITH THIS MELODY, BITCH. Also, he didn't follow Adam's advice at all regarding the falsetto at the end. Alright, overall it wasn't horrible and I kind of liked it. When the hell did Tim Urban become a frontrunner? All the judges love it, so here's to Tim Urban, American Idol 2010. This season is seriously becoming the Twilight Zone.

Lee DeWyze

Ahh. Lee is singing A Little Less Conversation and all I can think about is the time that Chris Daughtry, supremely entitled douche of the Idol universe, sang this on Elvis night and was prematurely ejaculated from the competition. Although I would not like this to happen to Lee, I now have an excuse to rewatch this great moment:

Ahahahah he's so pissed because he didn't know it was going to happen. Anyway, back to Lee. He sounds good, but at moments he looks like he's about to pee himself. I enjoyed it, but wasn't nuts about it. Sort of like a ham sandwich. This is the second reference to ham in my blog. My body is telling me something. Alright, the judges are pooping themself. Kara literally sounds like she's pooping herself in her Lee impersonation.

High Schooler Aaron Kelly (borrowed from Idolatry, I must say)

Ok, he's singing Blue Suede Shoes. Not so familiar with this song, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say Aaron looks awkward singing it and doesn't do it justice. Aaron looks uncomfortable with Adam because he's probably being forced to confront his latent homosexuality. Or he's tired. First comment: He is not wearing blue suede shoes. I find this wholly unbelievable. Second comment: His vocals are average. Third comment: His hair has never looked better. I'm gonna give that one to Adam Lambert.

The judges, in general, feel like Aaron was awkward and didn't do it justice. Move over Miss Cleo, here comes Riha. Well, ok Miss Cleo's dynasty has passed, perhaps she's not the best example. Let's just move on.

Siobhan Magnus

Omg Siobhan and Adam have the same hairstyle. I find this unsurprising. Will she do an Adam Lambert-esque shriek? God I hope not. Ok, so she didn't quite shriek, but the breakdown at the end was hot. I thought the beginning was lame. The judges rail on her, and I don't really feel that badly for her. I think she's sort of lost what made her cool, which was the whole "I'm an evil vampire" vibe she gave off on Paint it Black, House of the Rising Sun, and Wicked Game. She's also sassing Simon. Is she in danger? Shocking elimination? We'll see!

Ryan, "What's up with Big Mike this week?" Me, "His cholesterol." I'm evil. WHOA Brian Dunkleman reference, that must have been lost on almost everyone. Also, how has it taken me this long to pun on his last name. For example, I think my ears are about to get lynched.

Michael Lynch

He is singing In the Ghetto. No words. Anything I could say at this point would send me to Hell. Whatever, I'm already going there OH MY GOD IS HE REALLY SINGING THIS SONG WAY TO PLAY THE RACE CARD. This performance is super disjointed. I don't like the rhythm and I don't like the phrasing, but I suspect the judges will love it lest they be called haters. Yep, they did. I could write this show. Given Ryan's dialogue, it could use a real writer.

Katie Stevens

Ok, the show is starting to rush because it's going long. Fine with me, because Katie is annoying. She's singing Baby What Do You Want Me to Do because she's frustrated with the judges comments. Oh wow, she's so clever. Maybe if she watched herself back on tv she'd realize the judges want her to pick a song and sing it in tune for once. Shut your bitching, slut cannon. Omg she is wearing an insane amount of jewelry for this performance. It's like Forever 21 exploded, because none of the jewelry/awkward belt chains look good. She does not have the grit for this. Yet, somehow this season is scripting her comeback so maybe the judges will love it. I don't. Her earrings have tassels. I'm distracted.

The judges love it, except Simon. God bless Simon Cowell. Keeping it real, even while Kara DioGuardi is running her v-hole. That's her mouth, thanks.

Goldilocks aka Casey James

Closing the show is Casey James, which I feel average about. Jane Lynch is in the audience, which means her ears are being lynched also. Somehow that pun is less amusing with her. Casey is doing Lawdy Miss Clawdy. Not sure what that means, but here he goes. Alright he's rocking a ponytail, which somehow makes him about a thousand times sexier. Now he's doing an awkward robot dance. Sexy downgrade. Overall, it's nothing too amazing. Solid as usual, but I'm not jumping up and down. The judges are harsh, which I'm ok with because I want Bowersox to take it all.

Frack, I am done with this show. GLEEEEEE now!! I'd like to see Aaron and Andrew go home tomorrow.

Single Review: Not Myself Tonight

Christina Aguilera is back with a new single, which I will attempt to analyze. This will be done principally through two highly scientific methods:

1. I will play the song and write down my thoughts as they happen
2. I will make sense of those thoughts

Writing the thoughts:

-This instantly sounds super super gay
-I thought she already did Dirrty?
-Oh wait, Dirrty had a melody. I dunno what this is.
-Ohhh she said the f-word. Edgy.
-I'm bored. Do I have enough ham for a sandwich?
-F-word again. My apartment has a flag in it. Our windows are open. This song is lame.
-Musical interlude. Spoken interlude. Moaning interlude?
-The song has no ending

Ok, that's it! Time to do some intense analysis on these thoughts. Conclusion:

This song sucks. I can't even remember the tune anymore. I doubt even Ciara would record this track, and she is desperate. I'm pretty sure a record executive went to Ciara, said "Hey, will you record this track?" and she reacted like this:

PS Ciara is looking really good in this photo.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Movie Review: Date Night

Alright, so here is my first attempt at "rant reviewing." Whatever that means. Unfortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, which means that anyone who doesn't watch 30 Rock will have to suffer through several highly sophisticated and artsy references to that show. Fortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, who (along with Steve Carrell) is the only thing that prevents this dung pile from being complete and utter cinematic diarrhea. I'm talking KFC Double Down diarrhea. It's that bad.

Here's what I don't like about this movie:

1. It's rarely funny
2. The script sucks
3. There is a correlation between my first two points
4. Most of the acting is terrible
5. The end credits feature outtakes, which if strung together for 90 minutes, would have made a better movie
6. Not once does anyone make a Mean Girls reference
7. I had to babysit my super drunk friend, who promised he wouldn't fall asleep, and then was unable to stay awake. Also, I had to pee for a good thirty minute time span towards the end.
8. It made me miss Baby Mama. Yeah. I said it.
9. As I said in my last post, I'm on steroids for a chest infection so everything makes RIHA SMASH. Had I started my steroid treatment when I saw the movie? No. Does that belittle my point? DOES MY FIST BELITTLE YOUR FACE?
10. I would rather experience the menstrual cycle than rewatch that movie. I'm talking heavy flow, wide-set vagina, jumbo tampons flow. AT LEAST SOMEBODY MADE A MEAN GIRLS REFERENCE.

Phew. I'll knock off the all caps. Sorry, roids rager. It happens. I'm going to be sad when that's no longer a scapegoat for my bad behavior.

I suppose the best thing about the film was that there was a trailer for Sex and the City 2, which set the bar for mindless garbage unbelievable low. Like, Verna low. OH THAT'S 30 ROCK FOR YOU, BY THE WAY. Yes, I already broke my all caps promise. Anyway, compared to the promise of Sex and the City 2, Date Night looks like friggin' Casablanca. Still, this movie isn't worth your time, unless you really, really, really, really like the leads. They're the only mildly redeeming factors.

Also, this movie is super depressing. Someday, I would like to settle down with a mildly attractive gentleman who can handle the crazy soup I'm ladling him, start a family, and live as a passive aggressive house husband. This movie makes it look like anyone who's married for more than ten years turns into a robot with no joy whatsoever. Apparently the only cure for this terrible rut is a plot so ludicrous that Fox Mulder would have his doubts. Old school with that one, I realize. I just want a nice house, a man that is always into me no matter what, and children who grow up in a world where passing gas is socially acceptable. Is that so much to ask?

Additionally, WTF with the guest stars?!? This isn't Valentine's Day. You don't need to cast famous people just to build an audience. Perhaps that money could have gone towards script revisions or a Taco Bell product placement, so at least I would have been motivated to eat something delicious after the movie. Oh, and someone in my group confused Viola Davis and Taranji P. Henson and IT WASN'T ME. I need to stop using caps right now, what the what.

Date Night: 1.5/5 stars