The Summer in Pop Culture: A Retrospective

Hello all,

I won't belabor the point that I've been MIA recently. Apologies to all, especially those that have been requesting new material. To my fans, I've let you down. There's no excuse, but take solace that I now know exactly how Christina Aguilera feels.

So, the purpose of this post is to briefly share my thoughts on some of the summer's movies, music, and tv that I managed to catch while not working 14 hour days. Before that, I would like to give a shout-out to my girl, Lindsay Lohan. She's been a constant source of amusement, because she's a whiny, cracked-out bitch who threw a huge temper-tantrum about going to jail for like a hot second. I have absolutely no doubts that she hasn't changed at all and she will never manage to Britney Spears her way out of this publicity mess. When I've had hard days, Lindsay, your life has always made me feel better about myself. Thank you.

So, let's get to it. THIS REVIEW HAS SPOILERS SO YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. I will limit my spoilers to the specific piece of pop culture I am describing at the time. So, if you were reading a section called "Project Runway" you wouldn't have to worry about me inserting a sentence like "AND THEN OMG LEO DICAPRIO DIED AT THE END OF TITANIC." Or maybe I will now. Who knows?

MOVIES

Inception

So, I hope almost everyone that reads this has seen Inception. It's pretty fucking sweet, and Marion Cotillard is by far the most compelling part of the movie. Here's what drives me nuts...Smug hipsters leaving and posting comments like, "Oh hey Brucethor, I totally called that ending." Ok, in the realm of probability, yes, it is possible for someone to have predicted the general feeling of the ending. But really, comments like that make me think that you actually didn't get the ending at all. Perhaps I'm opening a whole forum for discussion and perhaps all of my readers who saw Inception have different takes on the ending, but if y'all disagree with me then you're just plain dumb. I had to say it. Anyway, the ending was deliberately ambiguous. We never know if it was a dream or not. So if some viewer said to himself "I totally think Inception is going to have a deliberately vague ending, to prompt audience debate about the structure of the film," then yes, you called it. However, I think more people were probably like, "I bet it's a dream...or maybe it's not a dream. No it totes is. I'm so thoughtful." GUESS WHAT TURDMONGER, YOU DIDN'T CALL THE ENDING. SO GET OFF YOUR GDAMN HIGH HORSE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Rating: 5/5 stars

The Kids Are Alright

I mean, it was good. Don't get me wrong. But I never ever want to think about Julianne Moore munching on Annette Bening's beef curtains. And that happened in the movie.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

The Other Guys

I will admit it. I was pleasantly surprised at The Other Guys. I suppose it surpassed my wildest expectations. Granted, the film stars Will Ferrell so my expectations were pretty much at Land of the Lost levels. AKA I expected a big pile of baby dung to be flung at me, but instead I got a fairly funny movie. For those who've seen it, The Rock and Samuel L Jackson's finale scene was the best part of the movie. DARTH VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

Salt

I'll admit that I have a big stiffy for Angelina Jolie, in a metaphorical way. I think pretty much everything she does is great, from helping people in Pakistan to putting that smug bitch Jennifer Aniston in her place. So, it would have take a lot for me to dislike Salt. Hey, I even liked Tomb Raider 2 and that movie STUNK ASS. Objectively. Ergo, I endorse this film. Does the plot even make one bit of sense? HELL NO. But was it a wild and crazy ride? Yes. Much like the New York City subway system after 11pm.

Rating: 3/5 stars

MUSIC

Oh boy. I don't even know where to start here.

I already made a crack at Christina, so Imma let her be, especially since she's staring in a movie with Cher and I really feel like I'll get some bad gay karma if I say more here.

Insatiable, Nadine Coyle

NADINE COYLE IS A FUCKING BITCH! Ok, so most of you probably don't know what's going on with this song/singer. Let me back up and explain. One of my favorite pop groups ever, Girls Aloud, took a year hiatus AFTER SIGNING A THREE ALBUM DEAL to pursue solo projects before reuniting. Cheryl Cole released a solo disc, fully intending to return to Girls Aloud. I don't really know what Sarah and Kimberley were up to and I think Nadine made her own line of sunblock, because she is one pasty-ass mofo. Well, regardless of their activities, they all intended to return to Girls Aloud. I thought Nadine felt the same way, but apparently not. This ball-hair has no intention of returning and plans to stay solo, as evidenced by her new single. I don't care what anybody thinks of it. Even my objective opinion is in the trashcan. I am obligated to hate this ear-fuck with every fiber of my being. Go to Hell, you ugly skank. I can't wait until her album comes out so I can tear her a new, normal-sized vagina, which will sit directly below the pre-existing cavernous gully-trap she already possesses. For those of you who don't know what she looks like, I've included a picture:

Rating: 0/5 stars

OMG UPDATE! Cheryl Cole just released the lead single from her sophomore album, Promise This, and it TAKES A BIG, STINKY, NUTTY DUMP on Nadine's song. Their albums are going to be released one week apart. TEAM CHERYL!!!

Teenage Dream, Katy Perry

To be clear, I am referring to the entire album the soon-to-be Mrs. Caveman is planning to release, not just the single. Hmm ok. Let's just say I had high hopes for this disc. The lead singles were incredibly catchy, with Teenage Dream still remaining the best song on the cd (at least to my ears). Katy employed a "Taylor Swift" strategy of releasing a few songs on iTunes before her album's official release. So for about three weeks I was like, "OH HAY YES A NEW SONG...oh. This is average...BUT THE NEXT ONE WILL BE LOLTASTICALLY AWESOME HAR HAR." This repeated until the album came out, and then for the most part I thought this listening through the entire CD. Very few songs standout and Katy has this tendency to write songs based on some awkward metaphor (Firework=great guy, Peacock=cock, Pearl=nice girl being abused or vagina, etc). The only one I really endorse outside of the singles is The One That Got Away. There's hints of ingenuity there. I'll say it I like Ke$ha's CD better. There.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Body Talk Pt. 2, Robyn

I don't really have many witty things to say here, but I just wanted to make reference to something that was released between the months of May and September that didn't suck titty. This is a good-ass album and I'm super excited about the final chapter coming in wintra-tiemz.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Just for general reference, I will list some songs and review them in one word (which will likely be an invented, hyphenated Riha-speak).

Just the Way You Are, Bruno Mars. Boner-inducer.

Loca, Shakira. Nipple-riser.

Only Girl (In the World), Rihanna. Window-banger. SORRY I COULDN'T RESIST.

Mine, Taylor Swift. Redunda-catchy.

You Lost Me, Christina Aguilera. GoodButCareerReflective. (Pronounced "Gehwd-Butte-Care-Ear-EEEF-leek-t-eye-vee.")

TV

Alright, there hasn't been a ton of TV over the summer, but there's been enough.

Project Runway

Ok, so, I will admit that I haven't been the most loyal Runway watcher in recent years. I guess this woman named Leanne won a season I didn't even watch and I can't even tell you who won the last season without looking it up. I think that's because when a show is really focused on talent and showcasing the designs, it really lives or dies by the personality of the designers. America's Next Top Model, on the other hand, is a show that lives to just serve up some crazy, so it's guaranteed to be entertaining until the crazy is gone. Runway doesn't have that promise. However, I do think this season has started off nicely. There's been some real bitchy drama and I think everyone I know wants to punch Gretchen in the face. And I know her mother. So even though I don't think anyone is anywhere near Christian Siriano levels of talent, at least I'm finally being entertained. That being said, it is sort of bleak when this awkward mansuit is a winning design for a challenge:

The only thing that works are the shoes, and those weren't designed. Also, clever watchers of this season will notice I'm taking another swipe at Gretchen.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

True Blood

Ok, True Blood is a show that definitely caters to its audience. Unlike Glee, however, I have to give True Blood's writers credit for pandering while still showing reverence for the plot. CAVEAT so when I say pandering, I mean like obviously sliding in Eric nudity and a bunch o' gay scenes. My caveat is that Eric's storyline has been great, but there are some storylines that don't contain pandering that kinda suck ass. The whole Sookie/Russell/Eric/Bill shizz has been pretty entertaining, but oh my God I couldn't care less about Sam and his family. Also, Jessica and Lafayette have been super dullsville so far. It's like their characters lived their interesting arcs and now the writers don't have any more good ideas for them. This is exacerbated by the fact that neither of these characters exist at this point in the books, so the writers don't really have anything to go off of. Here are my suggestions for season 4:

1. LET SOOKIE AND ERIC BANG JESUS PLEASE

2. LET SOOKIE AND ALCIDE BANG JESUS PLEASE

3. LET ALCIDE AND ERIC BANG JESUS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

4. Work harder on the stories to make them of equal quality. But this takes less priority than the other three suggestions.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

UGH so I didn't really watch much other exciting TV this summer because of my move and new life. So that's it for me. THE WIZARD OF OZ IS ALL A DREAM.

Album Review: MAYA

First of all, I'm sorry that I'm too lazy to do the crazy typographic spelling of M.I.A.'s latest creation. Apparently she wanted to do something that was un-Google-able, but since everyone else on the internet is as lazy as I am, all you have to do is type "Maya" and you'll find information on the cd.

Second of all, IMMA WRITE A REVIEW.

Word. I guess I'm in a weird mood.

Anyway, if you've read reviews of the album, they either fall into one of two categories:

ARGH THIS ISN'T MUSIC THIS IS JUST NOISE, WHAT THE HELL THERE'S NOT MUSIC HERE THIS ISN'T ART M.I.A. IS CRAZY AND THIS IS TERRIBLE UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH BLAH BLAH VOMIT IM PEREZ HILTON AND I'M UGLY AND USE INCONSISTENT APOSTROPHES. Or something.

Other reviews sound something like this:

WOWOWOWOWOW THIS IS AMAZING, M.I.A. HAS DONE IT AGAIN, WHAT BRILLIANT COMMENTARY ON OUR SOCIETY, SHE'S SO EDGY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HOW WILL SHE PUSH THE BOUNDARIES NEXT LOLZCOPTERROFLMONKEYPISS.

The bottom line is that everyone who has reviewed the album is basically crazy and it's hard to find something that doesn't have an inherent bias. Well, you probably won't find unbiased here because I'm like the most subjective reviewer of all time, but AT LEAST I'M TELLING YOU UP FRONT AND USING APOSTROPHES IN THE WAY THEY WERE INTENDED TO BE USED. Yes, I am crazy too.

So, I guess the best way to describe MAYA is through a picture.

You can look at this and think "OMG this is ART" or "OMG some lazy asshole just threw a bunch of paint together and is getting way too much credit for his work." Same thought processes apply to her album AND my reaction to this painting is the same as my reaction to the album.

Riha says, "Well, I guess I recognize that this is art, but it isn't really a whole lot of fun to look at." Exchange "look" with "listen" and "at" with "to" and maybe throw something else on there so I'm not ending with a preposition and you have my gut reaction to this cd.

For every poppy number, like XXXO, you have a six minute snooze fest like Teqkilla, which is pretty much weird noises for its overblown duration. Yes, it's clear to me that she's making a statement about technology and its domination of our society. Yes, I think she makes her point in an interesting and powerful way. Yes, I think she's creative and I admire what she's doing. But the bottom line is that these tracks aren't quite catchy enough for me to hit the replay button. It's no Kala, that's fo' sho.

Maybe the fame of Paper Planes got to her head, so she worked overtime to create something edgy and alternative. To that I reply, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE CRAZY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING. I KNOW. I'M CRAZY. LOOK AT THESE CAP LOCKS. BUT ANYWAY, NOBODY DOUBTS THAT YOU'RE NUTS. YOU PERFORMED AT THE GRAMMY AWARDS IN A MICKEY MOUSE OUTFIT LIKE SIX HOURS BEFORE YOU GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY YOU NAMED IKHYD, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE ICK-IT.

Who does that?!? I guess for the sake of sanity, I'll land somewhere in the middle.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

TV Review: Primetime Emmy Nominations

HEY EVERYONE, I LIVEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Ok, so I've been gone for way too long. However, I'm now settledish into my NYC storage closet, so I'm ready to rock the blog. Today is a friend's birthday, so I'm going to work extra hard to make this crude and offensive. Crusty cow vagina. See, definitely off to a strong start because vulgarity really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I also anticipate high levels of anger/snark in this post for the following reasons:

1. I'm on hold with an electric company and it's been this way for about 2o minutes. This sucks. DON'T TURN OFF YOUR PILOT LIGHT. That's that I'm being told over and over and over and over.

2. There's a party in my building, which makes sense if you have like only three friends given the average apartment size here. Anyway, they're blasting their music and Love Lockdown is playing, which perhaps has the most repetitive beat ever. Sure, the song will change, but the annoyingly overbearing music will stay constant. If these people weren't already super super cool enough, just know they started partying at like 9pm. EST. Which is pretty much the same as starting at 5pm CST.

3. LIVING IN NYC IS EXPENSIVE AND IM HUNGRYYYYYYYYYY

4. I have a lot of thoughts on these Emmy nominations, which include a good deal of anger.

Nasty smelly baby diaper turds. This is my birthday song. On another note, I am already super tired from a United Airlines incident last night. Ergo, I probably won't edit this until tomorrow for typos. Apologies in advance for misspelling wordsqz.

Ok, so I'm going to take the biggest categories and and list the nominees, describe what pleases me about the category, and then mention what I think is wrong with the given situation. Let's do this.

I'm going to do the drama categories first because I care less about them. I'll work my way to the good ones.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series (capitalization taken from Emmy press release)

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Michael C. Hall, Dexter

Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights

Hugh Laurie, House

Matthew Fox, Lost

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Ok this category is super boring for me with one exception. I don't watch a lot of these shows, so I can't say much about Hamm, Hall, Laurie, or Cranston (except that he shares the name of Kenneth's alter ego on 30 Rock, so he gets bonus points).

I don't really think Fox deservers to be here. Even though his character goes through some crazy changes, he still manages to stay super one note. He's probably here because he's started crying more and because Lost is ending.

OMG THE ELECTRIC COMPANY HUNG UP ON ME AFTER 30 MINUTES ON HOLD, EFFFFFFF YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!

The exception I mentioned is Kyle Chandler. If you read this blog regularly, you know I have a big, veiny boner for Friday Night Lights. Chandler is great and totally deserves this nod. I'm really happy about this, much like this charming fellow:

How fun! What a wonderful life he lives.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

Glenn Close, Damages

Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: The Sex Gone Wrong One

January Jones, Mad Men

Ok, I feel a little better about this category as far as my own personal knowledge goes. Like before, I'm farting rainbows about the presence of Friday Night Lights. Britton plays my absolute favorite character and if she doesn't win, I'm going to kick a baby stroller. Probably an empty one because she likely won't win.

I'm happy about The Good Wife, Margulies is great. I'm over Hargitay. Couldn't give two shits about the rest, but I definitely give the least shits about the SVU presence here. Or should that read fewest shits? I think fewest.

Sorry, Calista Flockhart. Your super manipulative cancer storyline in Brothers and Sisters couldn't help you here.

Outstanding Drama Series

Breaking Bad

Dexter

The Good Wife

Lost

Mad Men

True Blood

Well, this just reinforces how generally boring the drama nominees are this year. Yes, I'm happy for a few here (The Good Wife, most notably). However, I don't really have much to say. Like, the only thing missing is Friday Night Lights. BONER. Still. I'm neither surprised nor super disappointed with this batch. Wow, this post is getting boring quickly.

Crisis temporarily averted.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

Matthew Morrison, Glee

Tony Shalhoub, Monk

Steve Carell, The Office

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Ok, this seems like a legit group. OH WAIT, FOOLED YOU. WHAT THE FUCK, EMMY'S? WHAT. THE. FUCK. MATTHEW MORRISON?!?!? REALLY?!?!?!?!!?!

This requires a conversation

Emmy Rules Committee: Ok, let's talk about the changes to Lead Comedy Actor category.

Voice of Reason: Yeah, these are fucking stupid.

ERC: I have no idea what you mean, these were really well thought out.

VR: Well, apparently you've created an exception for performances that are rarely funny, super one-note, douchey, inconsistent, and coast by with tears

ERC: Crying is emotional! It shows serious acting!!

VR: THIS. IS. THE. MOTHER. FUCKING. COMEDY. CATEGORY. THE. FUNNIEST. PERFORMANCE. SHOULD. WIN. COMEDY. CATEGORY. COM.ED.YYYY. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT?!?

ERC: OMG a new issue of US Weekly is out gotta go bye.

So you see my point. Morrison isn't going to submit a comedic episode. He's going to submit some lame dramatic episode, effectively reducing the legitimacy of comedy, which everyone says is harder than drama. NO WONDER THEY GAVE HIM DRAMATIC STUFF INSTEAD OF COMEDIC STUFF.

Just for shits and giggles, here's his sort of offensive interview (he insisted upon having) in order to deny his homosexuality. I've followed this link with a picture.

http://www.elle.com/Pop-Culture/Celebrity-Spotlight/Matthew-Morrison

Yep. Not gay. In fact, I hope he really isn't. Genuinely. I don't want him as a part of my people. If I made a gay wish list, he would rank lower than John McCain and Captain Crunch.

Here's to hoping Baldwin wins again for being the funniest and being the best at it.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy

Lea Michele, Glee

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Toni Collette, United States of Tara

Well, at least Amy is a pleasant surprise. I'm less offended at Lea's inclusion, because she definitely has more comedic elements to her performance than Whoreison. I'm actually most surprised that Julia's show is still on the air, but I did some research and it was just recently canceled. Boohoo. I'm rooting for Amy, but there's no way she can beat big name actress like Falco and Collette. I also have a sinking feeling that Glee will sweep. Ugh. I'd rather drink horse sweat.

Outstanding Comedy Series

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Glee

Modern Family

Nurse Jackie

The Office

30 Rock

Minus Modern Family and 30 Rock, of course.

Well, that's my take on the big categories. A year with a few pleasant surprises, but overall pretty average and just about what I expected. Sort of like the new Kylie album. THERE, BIRTHDAY BOY! I WORKED IT IN!

Rating: A LONG ASS PHONE CALL WITH THE ELECTRIC COMPANY

Apologies Again

Hey All,

It seems my life is again in turmoil. I just moved and start a new job in a few days. Hopefully next weekend things will settle down and I can return to reviewing as normal. I have a few in the docket that will be pretty good. I hope. Still trying to top SATC2, which really requires a movie that's just as awful as SATC2. Maybe I should see Jonah Hex?

Riha

Six Shows You Need to Watch

HAPPY SUMMRATIEMZ EVERYONE!!!

Ok now that most people have less to do (or have a full-time job but deliberately become lazier), I think it's a prime opportunity for my readers to find a new TV show to enjoy. Sure, you could be sitting outside and enjoying the nice weather, getting tan, catching up on reading a book...OR YOU COULD BE DESTROYING YOUR MIND GRAPES WITH DELICIOUS TV!!! It is my hope that you choose the last option. So, to get you started, here are my suggestions under various parameters.

Goal: Oh HAY what's a funny show I can watch with minimal brain commitment?

Well, my first recommendation is Better Off Ted. Why, you ask?

1. It's hilarious

2. It only lasted two short seasons, so you'll get through it quickly

3. Most people never watched it, so I'm guessing you didn't. Ergo, it will be new for you.

4. Portia de Rossi proves yet again that she has an impeccable sense of TV quality and a "John Goodman Stool Sample" sense of commercial viability. PS I don't know if John Goodman is still alive, but if he isn't then my bad because that last statement was in poor taste.

WATCH IT NOW. The first season is on Netflix streaming, so it's really easy to track down.

Goal: Kthnkx Riha, but I want something that is popular enough that I'll be able to talk about it in social settings.

Hmm, well then you'd better get on board with de Rossi's other sitcom: Arrested Development. It's one of the most critically acclaimed series of the last decade, yet it wasn't that popular during its brief, 2.5 season run. However, it has become quite popular on DVD and many people that didn't give a shit about it five years ago now praise it as genius. I know. I'm one of those people. The only downside is that fans of the show tend to be sort of pompous. I know. I'm one of those pompous fans.

"Hey look at me! I watched Arrested Development! It's a show that was very smart! And very funny! I watched it! So I am smart! And very funny! Yay me!"

If that annoys you, just pray two Arrested Development fans don't meet each other and get started on the subject. I won't even play out that conversation because I might trigger some Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in my readers.

If you're not bothered by your inevitable future as "that guy/girl/tranny who won't shut up about Arrested Development," go for it. But it's worth it, because the show is that smart and funny. Trust me. I watch it. And I'm that guy.

Goal: LOL OK Riha, but what about a show that is still on the air, is super funny, and I won't be a douche for liking?

Well, I already wrote a review that waxed poetic about Modern Family, so I won't belabor that hilarious, well written, Arrested Development-esque point. And I think 30 Rock is in the same vein of that high quality/self-congratulatory Arrested Development fandom as, well...you know. Instead, I would steer your attention towards Parks and Recreation. Parks and Rec is a show that has blossomed, quite dramatically, in its second season. Sure, it wasn't that great starting off. But this season the writers have really gotten a strong sense of their characters and Amy Poehler is outstanding as the lovably awkward Leslie Knope. Give it a chance. I guess I'd recommend powering through the first season, but honestly you'd probably be ok just reading a plot synopsis and starting with season two. I said it.

Goal: Whoopdey Whoop, Riha! But now that my funny bone is tickled, what should I do? Are there any good dramas out thurrrr?

Well you may be surprised to learn this, BUT I LOVE DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! So I have some suggestions. First off, for those wanting a quick one season catch-up, I suggest The Good Wife. I know what you're thinking.

"Um The Good Wife is on CBS. Isn't that station for people who are over 65 and have terrible taste in television?"

Yes, it is usually, but The Good Wife (and How I Met Your Mother...and perhaps some other shows I don't watch because I sort of hate CBS) is an exception. It's a gripping legal drama, but also has family drama...and sexy political drama...and the chick from Mamma Mia who played the cougar. Yep, there's a lotta "ands" in that sentence. It's supremely well acted, and I can say that since it was a Tuesday night Tivo show, I frequently got around to watching it before I got around to watching Glee. THERE, EAT THAT.

Goal: Aiight, but is that really the best drama on TV? I mean you did say it was on CBS...

Ok, I admit. The Good Wife would not get my vote for the single best drama on TV. I've written about this show before, but since it doesn't have Modern Family's ratings, I will write again because I want this show to have an audience. Everyone ever should watch Friday Night Lights. I think I know why this show is struggling. It's premise seems designed for people who will struggle to receive a GED by age 35, yet in actuality it's a show so smart and heartfelt that it's really designed for people with a higher level of education. Luckily, most Friday Night Lights fans will never describe the show in such an arrogant fashion, so you don't have to worry about encountering tons of dbags who poop compliments talking about the show. You just have to worry about that with me.

Goal: Alright, well I'm willing to make a serious commitment to a classic show. What must I watch?

BUFFY. THE. VAMPIRE. SLAYER. It's on DVD. It's on Netflix Streaming. Sometimes I think about the show whenever You'll Be in My Heart comes on iTunes and pretend the show is singing to me. Yeah. That's how crazy I am. About the show, that is.

So heed my advice, then you can feel the way this nice lady does.

TV Review: Glee Season Finale/Season One

Ok, a few things to clear up.

First, I've been MIA. Sorry about that. I was just south of the great white north for a wedding and decided to leave my computer at home. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN BECAUSE LIVING WITHOUT TECHNOLOGY IS MISERABLE. Anyway, that slightly hindered my ability to write an internet post, so I promise I will be extra productive in the next week or so.

Next, I realize I already reviewed Glee. However, it was a short review that touched on the first episode after Glee's long hiatus. After a whole season of this show, I want to give a thorough summary of my thoughts on this pop culture phenomenon.

Finally, there is an edit to the Sex and the City 2 review. Look for the word "edit" in bold.

Disclaimer: I might piss off some Glee fans with this review. Let me put a smile on your face before we begin.

Whee toilet humor!!! Let's get started!

GLEE IS THE MOST INFURIATING SHOW ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW.

Yes. I said it. It's out there. Let that sink in and if you start to feel rage, look at the poop picture.

Now, before I get angry comments--doubtful given my current comments record--let me say that the cap locks word vomit is actually a bit of a compliment. Glee frustrates me because it has the most insane potential--it combines comedy, drama, music, suspense, and sexy bodies--and could very easily be the best show on TV. However, for every really great episode of Glee there are two or three stinking turds. When the season started back in the fall, I greeted each new episode with this sort of enthusiasm:

OMG GLEE IS ON TONIGHT I CAN'T WAIT THIS IS SO AWESOME WHAT POP CULTURE SONG WILL THEY SING AND OMG WILL FINN AND RACHEL GET TOGETHER AND MR. SCHU IS SUCH A NICE TEACHER I'M SO SAD HE'S BEING MISLED BY HIS EVIL WIFE.

As the season progressed, my Glee reaction turned into this:

Hmm. Have I seen this before? I feel like Rachel's quit Glee club at least twice. Also, how is Mr. Schu still unaware that his wife is pregnant when they live together? I would totally touch her baby bump while she's sleeping. Was it really worth springing for the right's to You're Having My Baby? This is sort of gross. Yeah, I know this is a musical so some suspension of disbelief is required, but I mean come on some of these characters are getting a bit unbelievable. Also, something about Matthew Morrison is starting to bug me. Oh well, society will shun me if I criticize Glee now. I'd better shut up and sit in my corner because friends are more important than free thinking.

Then, after the hiatus, I wrote my earlier review. I summarized my reaction with the photo of a vomiting rainbow. That is still accurate.

Now, I feel a sad sense of resignation. Glee will never be as great as I want it to be and I'm too addicted to stop watching. It's this terrible situation where I watch with the naive hope that I'll get a great episode and I frequently have my hopes dashed. Sure, it's still occasionally awesome but you have to admit there are still lots of flaws with the show. I'm stuck in a "Glee purgatory" from which there is no escape. I suppose if I had to put this into a picture, it would look like this:

Yeah. I'm starting to get this Lord of the Flies feeling from Glee fans and I do worry that speaking my mind could lead to my murder, or worse, another forced viewing of Sex and the City 2.

Here are my issues with Glee that I wish would be resolved in season two. Yes, I know that Glee has great ratings, and according to Perez Hilton, commercial success is a only indicator of quality...so it's very unlikely that any changes will be made. I guess the producers will employ a strict "if it ain't broke, don't fix it policy." I mean, sure, that's true. But my toilet still works and that doesn't mean it wouldn't benefit from a thorough cleaning. Ok, I've digressed. Here are my issues.

SPOILERS AHOY!

1. Cut back on the recycled stories and present new material. THIS IS PARAMOUNT given that the Glee club didn't make regionals and now must relive the same timeline as this past season. Please don't give us the same storylines. Dear God no. If Rachel quits the Glee club again I'm going to shit a brick. Or, more likely, one of those marble stones the Greeks used.

2. Glee still functions pretty well when people aren't singing. You don't need to have songs just for the sake of featuring music. Examples: Papa Don't Preach, You're Having My Baby, THE ENTIRE DURATION OF BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (which could have been cut to three minutes), most of the funk episode, Gold Digger, No Air, etc. Even worse: derailing the entire plot to include a specific song. I would be ok with this if all of these musical numbers were well done-a la The Safety Dance--but since they're not, I'd like stronger storytelling. K thanks.

3. Ok, generally Glee is gay friendly, which I like. But seriously don't perpetuate some unrealistic views of los homos. I mean sure, I can have a small crush on a straight guy every now and then. Obviously I don't think it's going anywhere and don't do anything about it, but I highly doubt I'll be so in love with a straightie that I will manipulate my dad into falling for his mom so we can live together in my basement room and I can seduce him. I guess this is a small gripe, but if I were one of the four straight guys that watch Glee I would leave feeling a little more uncomfortable about having gay friends. More generally, I hope season two gives Kurt and Mercedes more to do than be sassy in the background and then march to the forefront when the show wants to make an overly-preachy LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU ARE message.

4. Be more selective with your stunt casting. I would suggest that guest stars serve three essential functions: One. They are talented actors. Two. They can sing. Three. Their role is essential to the plot. Is that too much to ask? To this end, I would say Idina Menzel is the most successful guest this season. Kristen Chenoweth and Jonathan Groff were pretty good, with Cheno slightly lacking in plot necessity and Groff slightly lacking in acting talent. Take Olivia Newton-John's cameo as the converse. She didn't act well, sounded pretty bad on Physical, and definitely had no real purpose. Her role could have easily been switched to another star. I feel like I can't imagine anyone else taking Idina's part.

5. I would not be opposed to a shirtless guy-on-guy make out session. Preferably between Puck and Finn. True Blood is learning to pander to its audience. Take note, Glee.

6. If it weren't for the great talents of Jessalyn Gilsig and Jamya Mays, I would advocate eliminating Will Schuster's entire personal life from the show. The fake pregnancy/divorce/Emma love storylines have all been really oddly paced--going from really drawn out to super rushed, which makes those plots seem like time fillers. Furthermore, the only time I've really empathized with Will was when he was dealing with his students. I have a long laundry list of issues with Matthew Morrison which make me personally hate Will Schuster, but I will try to leave those out of this since I'm just focusing on the show. I would never use this blog as a place to slander celebrities. I would never be so crass as to say that when Matthew Morrison was singing Tell Me Something Good to Jane Lynch, I wanted her to spit into his open mouth. That would be rude.

7. I like Finn as a character on the show, but boy needs to step up his singing game. Or sing less. Hint hint. Same with Quinn. If I ever hear her sing James Brown again I'm going to vomit.

8. Considering how one note Sue has been most of the season, I like the direction she went in the finale. Keep that up in season two. I like seeing the softer side of Sue, as long as it isn't her being in love with Will. Where the Hell did that come from? Oh right, she's successful and single so according to Glee a woman like that will take any attention from a man because she's obviously desperate. This isn't the first time the writers have made Sue seem man crazy. Remember when she wore the suit after dating the newscaster? Yeah, thought so.

9. If you're feeling particularly masochistic, have a "Terrible Twos" movie marathon. Feature Transformers 2 and Sex and the City 2. This has nothing to do with Glee, but the name popped into my head and I had to write it down. Drink suggestions: shots of Everclear. You'll need them.

10. Less Will and more Santana/Britney/dancing Asian/black dancer who talked for the first time in the finale/Artie/Tina/Kurt/Mercedes/Finn/Quinn/Puck/Rachel. I wrote it out like this to emphasize just how many characters there are that could be explored instead of Will. We all know he's a soppy v that cries whenever his students make the smallest accomplishment. How about focusing on those achievements instead of close-ups of his face? We'll infer the soppy tears.

Alright, that's all for the subject of Glee. Here's to hoping that the writers ship up next season. I don't want to give up on this show completely, but if things don't change, I might.

Rating: I don't want to write it here, because I might get murdered/SATC2ed. Jesus I hated that movie. Anyway, here's a progressive grade for Glee:

Movie Review: MacGruber

Ok, after seeing Sex and the City 2 I needed to have a good laugh. Since I have a weakness for poop/dick jokes, I figured MacGruber would be a good catharsis. Sure, it's been out for about two weeks and its box office performance is abysmal, but since it was mathematically impossible to be worse than SATC2, I went. Yes. Mathematically impossible. I learned that in math major class.

I think MacGruber has a very specific brand of humor, so therefore only certain groups of people will enjoy the film. Personally, I had a good time. I didn't have a great time, but I laughed at a lot of jokes that will certainly offend many others. If you're considering the film, I'm going to describe some of people that I think will enjoy the film and those that will not. Pay close attention and try to discern if this film is right for you.

People who should avoid MacGruber:

1. Anyone who reads The New Yorker regularly. I read one of their movie reviews and the first sentence included the word "munificence." I'd imagine someone that enjoys that probably wouldn't enjoy a movie that includes the term "face vagina." Casual reading of the occasional New Yorker article still renders you eligible, but you should drink first. Munificently. Thanks, Google dictionary!

2. People over the age of 40. There was a lone man in the theater who was around 40 years old. It was frightening--much scarier that the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, but not as scary as Sarah Jessica Parker's face in SATC2. Anyway, if you're over 40 chances are you won't get/appreciate the subtle word play of this cinematic triumph.

3. The main villain's name is Cunth. If you had to reread that to get the joke, then you should just go away now. If you thought it was funny before getting to the second sentence of this section, then there's hope for you.

4. At any point in your life, have you dressed like this?

If so, MacGruber isn't for you, because this came from a Google image search for "lame nerd."

5. Anyone that owns a poodle. That's science.

People who will enjoy MacGruber:

1. Have you ever taken a poop and wanted to photograph it and show it off? Obviously you didn't because you have some social grace, but the thought crossed you mind. See MacGruber.

2. If I said there were a gag that involved celery being place in someone's anus, how would you feel? Not terrible? See MacGruber.

3. Does this picture make you smile at all? If yes, see MacGruber.

4. I really have no evidence to support this, but I suspect if you've had Taco Bell in the last two weeks, you are apt to enjoy MacGruber. Again, just a hunch. A LUNCH HUNCH?!? Ugh I'm already sorry for typing that, but find it easier to just keep typing than to go back and erase it.

5. If you've ever actually said the phrase "sucking dick" aloud, I highly recommend this film.

So in conclusion, this movie is silly fun. Not earth shattering, but you might walk around with the image of Kristin Wiig's ridiculous MacGruber fetal position coffee house scene in your head. And if that last sentence isn't a great sales pitch for the film, I don't know what is.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Movie Review: Sex and the City 2

Wow. Let me begin by saying this review has some intense spoilers. I need to provide specific examples from the film to illustrate some of my points and therefore I will reveal important plot elements. If you still want to have your SATC 2 experience preserved, then stop now. However, if you don't care about this rotting pile of dog shit that's masquerading as cinema, then carry on. You've been warned.

If you didn't gather from the first paragraph, this movie is horrific. Perhaps this is the result of a public high school education, but I cannot find the words to effectively describe how much this movie offends me. I'll try anyway: Insensitive. Meanderingly pointless. Overstuffed. Irrelevant. Dina Lohan. Brussel sprouts.

You get the idea. This film works overtime to stereotype and misrepresent many different demographics. I'll break things down to the three main groups that should be taken aback by the film. Also, the fashion in this film is grotesquely disappointing. I will point out various fashion faux pas as the film goes on.

The Gays

Yes, I'm starting with my people. I assume my blog has a fairly sizable gay audience, like SATC2, so therefore I assume it is fair for me to make overarching generalizations that perpetuate stereotypes, LIKE SATC 2.

1. GAYS LOVE LIZA!!!!!!!! In fact, Liza is such a gay icon, if there's a gay wedding she can sense it and just shows up.

2. Gays can only be successful in an open marriage. Fidelity is for heteros.

3. Since I'll never have kids, I will be able to save up enough money is a pretty well-paying job to have a wedding that would make Princess Diana's nuptials look like a fucking one-nighter in a Vegas chapel, overseen by a fat Elvis. I'll distract from this huge logical inconsistency by hiring a gay choir and OH LOOK DID I MENTION LIZA SHOWED UP?!?!? I'm sure her fee is reasonable...OH WAIT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE FOR THE GAYS!!!!!!

4. See my next category for the depiction of a gay muslim.

5. As long as there are only two major gay characters in the story of my life (me and one other), we'll eventually get together because trying to write a unique story line for me would require too much effort on the part of the writers. So even though this guy is my complete opposite and our union defies all reasonable explanation, it'll happen because without other gay options our intense need for sexual gratification will drive us together.

6. The bottom line is that the gays will serve as a vehicle for a lavish wedding that jumpstarts the plot. However in retrospect, this will have no relevant function except to allow our heroines to make some questionably tasteful and unfunny one-liners about gays.

I suppose there wasn't anything in the film that was overly offensive to the gays. Rather, there was a smugness in the film, as if the writers knew they could get away with gay humor because they knew there was a gay audience. I don't like that. So in order to achieve karmic retribution, I have a joke at the expense of a gay. Michael Patrick King, the show's creator, looks like a homo Keebler elf. I wonder what sort of fudge he's packing in that magical tree of his.

I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE IM GAY AND SO IS HE!!! THOSE ARE THE RULESSSS!!!

Fashion Faux Pas: Maybe a gay wedding legitimizes Carrie's decision to wear a tuxedo and heels, but nothing on God's earth legitimizes her decision to wear a hat that makes me wonder when her alien people are coming to earth to kill us all.

Muslims

Omg you guys, the news totally has it wrong. The Middle East is a paradise, where everything is beautiful and perfect. If I didn't know anything, I'd say that Sex and the City 2 makes the Middle East, specifically Abu Dhabi, look like heaven. Just to show you how wrong the news is, I did a Google news search to see everything false that's happening there.

"Abu Dhabi Police delegation briefed on the latest crime scene training in the UK."

"Rape victims reluctant to go to the police"

"'Sex and the City' Sequel May Face Abu Dhabi Ban Amid Religion Fury."

Yes, the capitalization is inconsistent, but I just copied the headlines directly. None of these things were even hinted at in the movie, so clearly the news is full of shit and the movie is awesome. What sorts of things can you expect if you go to Abu Dhabi? Let me tell you!

1. Everyone in the Middle East is super kind, and even black market vendors have good hearts and will let you go if you don't like their goods. They might get indignant if they think you've stolen something, but that's a totally understandable source of confusion.

2. If a Muslim man makes a Paula Abdul reference, he's gay. But only if he's good looking.

3. Muslim women, although forced to wear burkas, are secretly super fashionable and wear designer clothes under their traditional garb. Yes, that's right. Muslim women spend thousands of dollars to import Dolce and Gabbana in order to secretly wear it under their burkas. Just in case you didn't hear me, Muslim women, according to Sex and the City 2, walk around in 113 degree desert temperature wearing all black burkas, which they've layered underneath with designer outfits. Somehow they manage to wear all of this fabric and not die of heat stroke. This is pretty magical, just like their magical ability to speak English out of nowhere.

Fashion Faux Pas: Just because you assume the Paula Abdul referencing Muslim is gay doesn't mean that he is. Therefore when you turn to him for some desert-sheik fashion advice, there are two possible explanations for why your outfits look like a clown's wardrobe exploded. One, he's not actually gay and therefore scientifically ineligible to give fashion advice. Two, he's gay and spiting you, because no matter who (or how oppressed), a gay will know good fashion.

This was the best I could do image wise, so hopefully you can see that they look like the dying visions of Bozo the Clown, if he had malaria.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that there have been some gripes about this portion of the review. I heard some grumblings a little while ago and let them go, but now that several people have complained to me I feel the need to say something. So I learned that Muslim women actually do wear designer clothes under their burkas. Well, I'm sorry for being so ignorant. I didn't know that. However, let me give a bit more context to help explain my incredulity.

1. It looked like the SATC girls were shopping in a really poor part of town. One vendor was missing teeth. Context clue.

2. They were saved by the Muslim women in that seemingly poor part of town. Therefore I made the assumption that the women in the poor part of town were also, themselves, poor. My b.

3. I then made the huge jump in logic to be surprised poor women spent assloads of money on nice clothes.

So, even though some rich Muslim women may wear nice things under those burkas, I still think SATC 2 is misrepresenting that part of their culture. Just a little. I mean, please leave comments to explain what else I might be missing. I would also make the logical assumption that everyone who felt the need to point out my logical fallacy actually watched SATC2, so they had the proper context to judge my comment and to make their own assertion. If someone commented without seeing the movie, well that's just silly.

Women

After some thought, no matter how horribly the gays and Muslims are treated, nobody really gets it worse than women. Approximately 85% of the audience members in my theater were ladies, a statistic I assume holds pretty well for screenings across the nation. I also observed that most of the women seemed sort of sad and single. My theory? Most of those women were huge fans of the show, since it presented single life as something that was fun, even if it went into your 30s. It legitimized waiting to get married, which gave single women hope if they weren't tied down at age 26. It also was a brilliant commentary on the single condition, starring four talented actresses.

So, I can only feel pity for the women in the theater as they watched their beloved characters turn into shrill, harpy ladies that were now sad caricatures of themselves. Let's go character by character.

Charlotte

Along with Miranda, she had perhaps one of the less offensive story lines. Charlotte was struggling with being a new mother, because her girls were quite difficult and she had a nanny that was super super hot and often went braless. Since Charlotte has always been intent on maintaing a fairy-book lifestyle, she didn't air her complaints about motherhood until well into the movie. I think having issues with motherhood is a legitimate plot. Sadly, both Charlotte and Miranda were relegated to sidekick status. Neither of their stories really had time to develop, since the movie was intent on other, inferior stories. The one thing that bothered me the most was the resolution of the nanny storyline. Oh, Charlotte! You had nothing to worry about because your nanny was a lez. No risk of your husband cheating! Heaven forbid she just be a straight lady with a conscience.

Because of the lack of plot development, I assume the lesbian reveal went something like this. (Harry is Charlotte's husband)

Harry: Oh hay baby, can I play with dem fine ole tittays? Imma smack them around all night long.

Nanny: Um, no. I'm a lesbian. Sorry.

Harry: Oh, awkward. Well hooray now I can still stay faithful to my wife! She doesn't have to worry about anything happening!!

Nanny: Wait, but you just came on to me. Like, clearly you have unfaithful thoughts that you're willing to act on. Shouldn't this be a concern for your wife? Me being a lesbian doesn't solve the problems that are within you.

Harry: MARRIAGE. SAVED. Shut up.

And scene. I mean obviously this is just a random theory, but when you drop the lez bomb out of nowhere, then I feel entitled to use my imagination to fill in the blanks. To fit with the rest of the film, I chose an explanation that eschewed story structure and logic.

Miranda

Poor Cynthia Nixon. Miranda really had no storyline. There were hints that she was being treated unfairly at her law firm, but there was absolutely no development or explanation. Naturally, Miranda used her lawyer logic to deduce that she was being mistreated because she was an outspoken WOMAN. I dunno, that seems awfully convenient. I wouldn't have minded a scene developing that, especially considering about 79% of the scenes in the ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MINUTE MOVIE were pointless. Just out of fairness, I'll list some other possible explanations for why her boss didn't like her:

1. She does sloppy work

2. She shows up late

3. She loses a majority of her cases

4. She's a bad negotiator

5. She frequently makes passive aggressive comments about being mistreated as a woman, when that's actually not the case

6. Even though her salary is probably $300,000, she gripes when her boss asks her to earn her pay by putting a few extra hours on evenings and weekends. I dunno about you, but if I were making that money and my boss asked me to write an email over the weekend (even if I were at a lavish gay wedding) I would write the fucking email. Like instantly. And then feel grateful as I drive home in my Mercedes to my Upper East Side townhouse.

You see my point. I'm willing to believe that Miranda was being mistreated due to her women-ness, but only if the movie shows it.

Samantha

Well, women over 50, clearly you have nothing to live for because you're going to dry up and be lonely forever. Samantha Jones seems to have come to this conclusion, so she spends most of the film working her hardest to stay young and beautiful. Since she bangs the hottest guy ever at the beginning of the film, clearly her strategy of taking as many vitamins and hormones as possible is working. In fact, even when she wears the same dress as Miley Cyrus to a film premiere (that she fails to pull off), her youth is maintained because Cyrus compliments her dress. Hooray! Menopause can be defeated!

OR CAN IT?!? When Samantha loses access to her vitamins in Abu Dhabi, she turns into a sweating, shriveled woman who only complains about her hot flashes. Clearly failing to take vitamins for one day would cause these consequences. To evidence how bad things have gotten for Samantha, the movie shows a scene of sweaty young men in speedos, all of whom fail to arouse Ms. Jones. Thanks, old vagina. You're useless. Luckily, Samantha meets a hot old guy.

Although the movie fails to connect the dots, I think the implication is that Samantha learns that she doesn't need to work so hard to stay young since she's found an attractive older man. However, the way it plays on screen makes it seem like this old guy just sort of plowed the menopause out of her.

Yep.

Carrie

I've saved the worst for last. Here's a picture of her out on the town:

Ok, so I recognize that it's not a legitimate film critique to call Sarah Jessica Parker ugly, even though she looks like a mixture of a horse/skeleton/vampire. Seriously, there was one close-up where she was getting ready for a date where I thought she was going to Medusa me.

Anyway, the fact that she's a big ugg-o shouldn't matter in the context of film criticism...but somehow it makes this movie even more unbelievable than it already is. Let me explain.

OH HAY, IM CARRIE LOLZ! I HAVE TWO AMAZING APARTMENTS IN NYC, A BOOK DEAL, A SUPER RICH AND SUCCESSFUL HUSBAND, AMAZING CLOTHES, GREAT FRIENDS, AND THE PERFECT LIFE. HAHAHAHAH YAYAYAYAYAY WHAT UP!!! YET IMMA COMPLAIN ABOUT MY LIFE AND HOW IM UNHAPPY ROFLCOPTER!!!! MY LIFE SUCKZORS AND I NEED TO FIX IT BECAUSE IM UNHAPPY. I DON'T LIKE STAYING IN AND I DON'T LIKE OLD MOVIES AND I DON'T LIKE PLASMA TVS AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT AND THIS MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT ME BECAUSE IM A SELFISH, NEEDY, NEUROTIC BITCH.

Yep, that's Carrie's drama in the film. She's unhappy with her paradise. To tie my two points together, if Carrie were played by a pretty actress, I'd find her complaints slightly more believable. But since she's a big fugmeister, I just wanted her to sit down and shut the fuck up. Her life is approximately 458 times better than mine. Just deal with it.

Fashion Faus Pas: HER FACE.

So overall this movie was awful. As a gay man, I don't know a lot about how women work. If SATC 2 were my guide, this is what I would have learned

1. Confident women can inspire an entire karaoke audience with a rendition of "I Am Woman," even if it's grating and off key. Even an audience in Abu Dhabi.

2. Women everywhere are obsessed with fashion, even if they live in a back corner of the Middle East.

3. When you reach a certain age, you might as well just give up because your body is going to fall apart.

4. If you cheat on your perfect husband with a guy that makes Matthew McConaughey sound brilliant, then you will be rewarded with a diamond ring from your husband after you confess your infidelity. Yeah, that actually happened.

5. Being a mother sucks, but it has some momentary joys. Fortunately, only women are affected by the pangs of parenthood because men clearly are not.

6. If ladies have gay friends, they're allowed to make insensitive comments about gays. Being associated with a gay proves you're tolerant, so you have free range with your words. Apparently we won't mind.

7. If you see a guy in Abu Dhabi that you find attractive, the sun actually heats up your vagina to the point where it sends out radiowaves to your brain that make you act crazy. Then you'll do things like forget your passport in the marketplace and not remember for days and days.

8. Did I mentioned that infidelity has no negative consequence? Yeah, I can't really emphasize that enough.

Sex and the City 2 effectively set women back thousands of years. Here's a look at women throughout history that are more effective feminists than these biyatches.

Look! She's wearing a suit of armor. This lady is going to fight in an olden timey war, which women at the time couldn't do. Trailblazer.

WELL I'LL BE DAMNED! There's a woman reading a book! Something Sex and the City 2 almost convinced me ladies couldn't do.

Yeah. Even fucking Heidi Montag gives women a better name.

Well, I can't write anymore or I will have a rage stroke. For the love of God do not see this movie. And ladies, if you bring your boyfriend, you'd better let him take a dump on your chest, because he's earned it.

Rating: 0/5 stars.

Album Review: Bionic

Christina: Hay guys, it's time for a new CD!!!

Label: Alright, great. You have one of the most powerful voices in the industry, I'm sure people are dying to hear you use it on new material.

Christina: Fuck you. I do what I want.

Label: Um ok, I was trying to be nice. What sort of theme/effect do you want on this cd?

Chrsitina: One second, phone call...Hello? Oh hi baby boy, it's mommy! Are you having fun with daddy today? Who's my special son? You are! You are! You are! I love you so much and tell daddy I miss him...Anyway, to answer your question about my cd, I want it to be about NASTY SEX!

Label: Um, is that something you want your son to hear?

Christina: I. DO. WHAT. I. WANT. BITCH.

Label: Right-o. So, any other ideas?

Christina: Well, I'm thinking that I want to do an interlude that features my husband talking to my child. And two songs before that I want a stank song about some dude plowing me nasty.

Label: Um. Ok...

Christina: THIS IS AN ARTIST STATEMENT, OK?!?!?

Label: This really doesn't seem appropriate. I'm just thinking about your child and everything.

Christina: Well, what if we make zero of the songs catchy? That way, if there's anything offensive on the cd it won't be memorable enough to stick in people's minds?

Label: Alright, now you're thinking. Let's do this!!

And scene. So Bionic is a decent cd, but very few songs stick out in my mind. It's awkwardly sexual, because Christina is a mom now AND we're reminded of that fact by the presence of her child in one of the disc's interludes. Sorry that I don't want to hear about your dripping vag and momentarily be reminded that your vag just shot out a baby. That makes me ill.

All this being said, none of the songs on this cd are terrible. It's an entirely pleasant, albeit sexually awkward listen. It's sort of like watching SVU. You're interested in the moment, but the episode never sticks with you...and it's sort of off-putting because it's about clown rape or something.

I would also like to take this time to address a bit of controversy regarding Lady Gaga and Christina and how people think Christina is stealing from Gaga. It's completely justified. Every single thing about Lady Gaga is 100% unique and original. She has absolutely zero outside influences, from her non-Queen inspired name to her revolutionary Red One produced single, Just Dance. I can't think of any other female artists that have tackled the subject of dancing. Her music videos are outrageous and controversial, especially the one with the burning crosses and black Jesus. Her fashion is bold and she doesn't apologize for who she is. Hell, I'm so proud of Gaga's uniqueness that I'm going to post a picture in tribute. The one. The only. The original. Lady Gaga.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

TV Review: The Lost Finale

Lost is over, and I'm still sort of numb from the experience. I've given a great deal of thought to the finale, and I think I've come up with some poignant things to say about this six year journey. You see, we've followed these characters through situations both uplifting and difficult, heartbreaking and inspiring. The finale made a profound and powerful statement about the the experiences of our heroes. After devoting almost all of the work day towards thinking about what I watched, I can only say one thing.

Although I will miss watching new episodes of Lost, I AM SO FUCKING GLAD IT IS OVER SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THE SUPER ANNOYING AND DOUCHEY HARDCORE LOST FANS IN THE WORLD.

I have an opinion on the finale and what it means, but I'm going to keep it to myself. Lost has always been supremely interested in challenging its audience, so I assume different people have different reactions. I do not want to be that turd hole that rants about my thoughts on Facebook or Twitter. Nobody cares. Anyway, here are the different annoying categories of Lost fans.

BEFORE I GET STARTED, THERE ARE PLOT SPOILERS ABOUT THE SERIES HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. TURN BACK NOW IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THE PLOT FOR YOURSELF.

1. The Know-it-All.

"Hi, I watch Lost and I have at least a bachelor's degree. Therefore, I know enough about all of the show's different themes and ideas so I can make profound statements about the show's action. Furthermore, anytime something happens that seems to be a writer's error or laziness, I am entitled to comment on it because of my education. I could write this show better than the current writers, I'm that awesome. I'm not content to seek out friends and talk about the show privately. Rather, I'd prefer to put all of my opinions out there and condescend to the writers ON THE INTERNET. Oh man, if the writers only read my Twitter account. I'd sure take them down a peg."

A few comments on the Know-it-All

-You don't know everything.

-Nobody cares about your views.

-Your views aren't always correct. There can be other interpretations of the text.

-Nobody likes you. Shut up.

2. The Spoiler.

"WOW THAT EPISODE WAS SO INTENSE! I HAVE TO VENT MY EMOTIONS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED NOWWWWW!!! WHY ISN'T ANYONE ON GMAIL? OK, I'LL JUST POST A QUICK COMMENT ON MY FB STATUS. Should I say something like, "Lost spoiler alert"? NO because my statement is pretty vague and nobody will guess that my statement ties into hints of deaths on ads for tonight's episode. And people only watch Lost live, so there's no way I'll risk upsetting someone with Tivo/DVR/a computer with a working internet connection."

I once spoiled Lost for a friend. It was accidental, but I felt like a huge asshole after it happened. Seriously, spoiling Lost made me feel like one of the biggest douches alive. If you spoil Lost and don't feel remorse, you are Satan.

Finally, if there's a very CLEAR disclaimer about Lost spoilers, then it's less of an issue. However, doing something like, "Spoiler alert: Insert dramatic twist here!!!" doesn't count as clear because the term "spoiler alert" is vague. I don't know what you're spoiling until I read it, AND OK I'M A CURIOUS PERSON, IT'S HUMAN NATURE. I would put "Lost" in front of spoiler alert because then I can appropriately react to your spoiler alert. See how that makes it less of a problem?

A few comments on the Spoiler

-Why do you do it? Do you get some sick pleasure out of advertising how promptly you watched Lost and regurgitated the action?

-Let's look at this pro/con style. What are the benefits of spoilers? What are the potential risks of spoiling? Oh, what's that? There are zero benefits and you risk pissing off a ton of people? Super. As someone with an unhealthy tendency to read spoilers, I can safely say I've never actually enjoyed a show more as a result of knowing what happens. It's always worse.

-Nobody likes you.

3. The Over-Analyzer.

"Ok so, in episode five, season three, scene four, minute 26, Juliet goes into a house and there's a picture on the wall of Charles Darwin, which clearly means something. Since Darwin proposed a famous theory about evolution, that must relate to the island symbolically. Evolution is about organisms adapting to an environment and surviving natural selection, so obviously the writers are trying to make a profound statement about the purpose of everyone on the show. Therefore, it's logical to assume that as the show progresses, our characters will show more advanced signs of fending off natural selection. What's that? It was Ronald McDonald instead of Darwin? Well ok, then there's a strong undertone of commercialism that's permeating the show's complex narrative structure..." Blah blah blah blah douche blah blah blah blah nobody cares.

This turd needs to knock it off. What do I have to say for the Over-Analyzer?

-Your brain could be used for good. Instead, you are wasting it. Idiot.

-Your theories are probably wrong.

-More importantly, your theories probably don't matter.

-Nobody likes you.

So, I'm excited to leave these people behind, at least until the next huge pop culture phenomenon comes along.

PS I would like to point out that I gave a spoiler alert and still didn't really spoil anything. That's how protective I am of people who are still interested in watching Lost for the first time.

Rating: Lost Finale, 5/5 stars. Most people who watch Lost, 5/5 stars. A sold group of shitbag fans, 0/5 stars.

My Apologies

I'm sorry for the delay in posting. I spent most of the week trying to make an extremely important life decision, then came down with bronchitis. I feel worse than I did leaving Transformers 2. Anyway, expect a new post in the next couple of days!!

Movie Review: Robin Hood

(Picture the following in slow motion):

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AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

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HOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

So, this introduction summarizes about 75% of the film. DRAMATIC BATTLE SEQUENCES!! EXTREME CLOSE UPS IN SLOW MOTION! SCREAMING!!!

It's super super super super intense, if you haven't guessed. There's just one issue. It's hard to get that invested in battle sequences when you give zero-to-few shits about the main characters. The movie doesn't do any work to establish Robin Hood or his band of merry men as figures worthy of emotional investment. Ridley Scott, surprisingly, has been very effective in this area in some of his previous films. Hell, I cared more about some of the tertiary characters in Alien than Russel Crowe's title figure. Even the biyatch that just sort of cried and screamed.

Another annoying thing is the way the movie tries to confuse you with olden-timey English language and politics. Ok, I'm sorry that I don't remember wtf was going on with France and England in the 12th century and who was king and how many evil brothers he had and which advisors were traitors. Additionally, it looks like most people in the middle ages spoke cryptically. Let me try to translate some of the movie's quotes:

Prince John: "So what would you have, a castle for every man?"

Robin Hood: "Every Englishman's home is his castle."

What. Just what. I think I sort of know what they're saying, but damnit just say it like a normal person. When the French king is asking people to speak in English for no good reason, clearly the film is pandering to it's audience. Why not clear up the bizarre English for us while you're at it? Here's my attempt at that dialog:

Prince John: "Robin Hood, stop being a bitch and tell me what you want."

Robin Hood: "I WANT YOU TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

See, that was the subtext of the earlier quotes.

THE MOVIE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THIS!

Cate Blanchett is pretty sassy as Maid Marian...or should I say Lady Marian? They changed her from the Disney version to make her more bitchy and independent, which is the current Hollywood definition of an emancipated lady. I guess I cared about her more than Robin Hood because the movie invested approximately two minutes into her development, but I certainly didn't care very much. Screenwriters, take note. Female characters cannot be both liberated and trusting of men. At first. Be sure to write it so eventually their vaginas (vaginae?) take over and they succumb to the male's charms. If a female character is introduced and immediately strikes up a rapport with a dude, she's a slut. This is movie science. Anyway, Marian is rude at first, so she must be a strong woman.

Here are the positives of the film:

1. Oscar Isaac's first scene as Prince John. Sure, he's a Guatemalan playing English royalty, but it's fine. You'll see what I mean.

2. There's a giant white horse etched into a hill. It didn't make any sense, but I was mesmerized.

3. Max von Sydow as Nottingham's lovable village elder/blind man who sees more than most other people. BLIND CHARACTERS ALWAYS METAPHORICALLY SEE BETTER!!

Here's what I was missing:

1. Nobody ever yelled YOU SHALL NOT PASS during any of the major battle sequences. Disappointing.

2. Cate Blanchett, not once, spouted off forest widsom or had an angelic glow about her.

3. Robin's group lacked a Gimli.

So what other movie, with medieval-esque battle sequences and legitimate character development, could provide those missing items? I wonder.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Single Review: California Gurls

Attention world! Katy Perry is back with her next single, and she's achieved self-congratulatory superstar status!! Her latest single, the obnoxiously misspelled California Gurls, is hitting the airwaves and she wants you to know one thing:

California girls are the hottest. She is a girl from California. Ergo, she is one of the hottest. This song bothers me for several reasons.

1. Katy Perry sort of looks funny. I mean, she's definitely pretty on some level, but I feel like most of it is make-up/stylists. Here's an example. Sure, she looks dolled up in the photo, but if you stare at her face long enough she looks like she's sucking on a lemon.

Anyway, I definitely don't believe that you need to be super gorgeous to be successful in the music industry. I do, however, think you need to be super gorgeous to sing a song saying you're a member of the most elite, sexually desirable women on the planet.

2. Snoop Dogg is brought in as an expert witness. He "testifies" that California girls are the hottest. Listen, that ding dong is so high that I don't think he's qualified to judge anything, let alone female attractiveness. He'd probably get a hummer from Delta Burke and not even care. I don't buy it.

3. I'm sorry. Call me an idiot, but who the hell drinks gin and juice? That's an odd mix. California girls may be beautiful, but that lyric makes them sound ass stupid. Definitely proof that the state is going through an education crisis.

4. I feel disappointed that there's nothing in the song comparing her sexual ability to an earthquake. Really really disappointed.

5. I've actually been to California and the only "California girls" I saw were lesbians and some really sassy gay men. I guess I can't properly judge the accuracy of the song since I didn't go to Southern California, but I'd rather retain my soul so that's fine.

Wow, this review really turned into a rant against Southern California. Sorry. But not really.

Rating: 3/5 stars (what can I say, it's catchy)

TV Review: American Idol

Alright, I did a recap of an American Idol episode, but I haven't properly reviewed the series. I guess I've been leery of doing that because this batch of contestants suck major moose cock and I didn't want to seem overly negative towards a series I once enjoyed. Well, that ship has sailed. This season of American Idol is like a big pile of elephant diarrhea, if the elephant just finished eating at White Castle.

Aside from the major lack of talent this season, I think Idol has worked really hard in recent years to destroy what once made the show great: the contestants. In the olden days, the singers had a karaoke track and a small stage. Basically, I could have filmed and produced the show in my basement. Stars were made or broken solely on vocal strength and since American Idol is a singing competition, this was great. I tuned in for the songs.

Then something odd happened midway through the series. My current theory is that the producers realized that some of the winners/successful contestants weren't making tons of money as recording artists, and so they decided to manipulate the talent pool so that the most marketable contestant won. THAT'S RIGHT, MANIPULATION. GASP!!!!! Just to make it crystal clear, you are the gentleman in the sign below:

If you aren't able to discern the manipulation, here are a few examples:

1. Anytime a contestant is a new parent, that fact is mentioned at least once an episode.

2. If a contestant has a tragic backstory, then that backstory will be brought up at least once, but could be escalated to Danny Gokey levels of obnoxious reminders. Even if the producers don't explicitly air the backstory reminder, often times it will be done indirectly. For example, one contestant sang "Jesus Take the Wheel" because it had "a lot of meaning to him" and then dressed all in white and looked to Jesus at several points during the song. WE GET IT, SHE DIED. GET OVER IT, GOKEY. Very rarely will a contestant work hard to keep their tragedy personal. David Cook did this very well in season 7, and karma rewarded him with the win. Just sayin'

3. Some contestants, no matter how well they sing, will be thrown under the bus because they're not deemed a worthy winner. For example, Syesha Mercado was never vocally terrible, but damn she couldn't catch a break from the judges to save her life. So finally, she was stuck with a song from the movie Happy Feet during the "producer's choice" round because they wanted her the fuck off the show. Even though I was never a huge Syesha fan, I can appreciate how difficult her Idol journey was.

4. Performance order. David Archuleta sang last on the first major performance night. His song choice sucked, he sounded boring on it, and forgot his words. He definitely didn't deserve to close the show (an honor that should have gone to David Cook or Carly Smithson that evening). Yet, since he was beloved by the producers, he got to do it. Going last has also helped Fantasia Barrino, Adam Lambert, Jordin Sparks, and Carrie Underwood. Yes, these examples are all very talented and perhaps deserved to win, but they producers made it EXTREMELY easy for them by placing them last. That's unfair. Especially since these contestants had most of their best performances when they weren't going last (yes, I know there are some exceptions to this)

Etc. I could go on and on about how this show is evil and the producers are determined to get what they want. In fact this season, I think the producers were so set on Crystal Bowersox winning that they didn't even put anyone else talented in the Top 24. I said it. Name another outstandingly good person. Sure, there were some promising performances from other people, but nothing incredible.

Another gripe is the four judge system. It makes the show more about the pointless criticism than the actual talent. More time is being devoted to the panel, introductions, and guest mentors and therefore less emphasis is placed on singing. In the olden days, they could do a Top 5 show where each contestant sang twice. Now, they don't sing twice until Top 3 night. Plus all of the criticism sounds the same.

Randy:

For me for you, for me, for you dawg, it was just aiight. A bit pitchy in spots, but at other times you did your thing (if he's more enthusiastic, he might call it "da bomb").

Ellen:

Joke. I loved it.

Kara:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah artistry (although this season she's been better about fewer, and more helpful, blahs).

Simon:

This is the only critique that anybody cares about, and since I've emotionally checked out I won't even put much thought into it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THEY DRIVE ME NUTS! I'm ready for an all new panel. Although I'm not advocating for Paula to come back, I do think she was the best judge last season. Does that make her objectively a good judge? Hell no. She sucked. But she was still better than everyone else. Yes, America, this was the face of reason on American Idol:

Here is my five- step plan to save American Idol

1. Return to the three judge system and eliminate the judge's save. More time can go to singing, and their save does jack shit to alter the eventual winner. Or at least, knock on wood for that being true this season. Plus, the awful goodbye performances on results night will get cut off by the end credits, thank goodness. Since Simon is leaving, I advocate an entirely new panel. My vote: Shania Twain as the new Paula, Elton John as the new Simon, and someone completely different from Randy as the new Randy. Dear God do not pick Jamie Foxx. If you have to keep one judge (from Ellen, Kara, and Randy), I would say Kara. But that's a very weak endorsement.

2. Season 8 might have been one of the most talented seasons in a while. It had a Top 36, with more raw talent to choose from. Coincidence? I think not. I wish the semi-finals would allow the audience to see more contestants sing. If the producers won't increase the quantity of singing, then maybe we can try to increase the quality. Sure, some seasons have good talent with a Top 24, but this method might ensure that we don't have another season 9 shit tank on our hands.

3. I could care less about the guest mentors. Sometimes they're entertaining, but if fewer guest mentors means more singing, then get rid of those mentors. Right now.

4. Naked back-up dancers.

5. I'm on the fence about instruments. At times they're super cool, but at other times they're a crutch for less talented individuals to hobble on to the next week. Therefore, I think the producers should mandate, at the beginning of the competition, that instruments are only to be played on a select number of weeks. This will force instrument players to show off their voices. Someone like Kris Allen or Crystal Bowersox will be fine, because they have the talent, but some tard monkey, like Jason Castro or Casey James, will struggle.

Those are my thoughts. What ideas do you have to improve this poop tower?

Rating (season 9): 1/5 stars. I'm still super addicted, though.