Thursday, May 27, 2010

Album Review: Bionic

Christina: Hay guys, it's time for a new CD!!!

Label: Alright, great. You have one of the most powerful voices in the industry, I'm sure people are dying to hear you use it on new material.

Christina: Fuck you. I do what I want.

Label: Um ok, I was trying to be nice. What sort of theme/effect do you want on this cd?

Chrsitina: One second, phone call...Hello? Oh hi baby boy, it's mommy! Are you having fun with daddy today? Who's my special son? You are! You are! You are! I love you so much and tell daddy I miss him...Anyway, to answer your question about my cd, I want it to be about NASTY SEX!

Label: Um, is that something you want your son to hear?

Christina: I. DO. WHAT. I. WANT. BITCH.

Label: Right-o. So, any other ideas?

Christina: Well, I'm thinking that I want to do an interlude that features my husband talking to my child. And two songs before that I want a stank song about some dude plowing me nasty.

Label: Um. Ok...


Label: This really doesn't seem appropriate. I'm just thinking about your child and everything.

Christina: Well, what if we make zero of the songs catchy? That way, if there's anything offensive on the cd it won't be memorable enough to stick in people's minds?

Label: Alright, now you're thinking. Let's do this!!

And scene. So Bionic is a decent cd, but very few songs stick out in my mind. It's awkwardly sexual, because Christina is a mom now AND we're reminded of that fact by the presence of her child in one of the disc's interludes. Sorry that I don't want to hear about your dripping vag and momentarily be reminded that your vag just shot out a baby. That makes me ill.

All this being said, none of the songs on this cd are terrible. It's an entirely pleasant, albeit sexually awkward listen. It's sort of like watching SVU. You're interested in the moment, but the episode never sticks with you...and it's sort of off-putting because it's about clown rape or something.

I would also like to take this time to address a bit of controversy regarding Lady Gaga and Christina and how people think Christina is stealing from Gaga. It's completely justified. Every single thing about Lady Gaga is 100% unique and original. She has absolutely zero outside influences, from her non-Queen inspired name to her revolutionary Red One produced single, Just Dance. I can't think of any other female artists that have tackled the subject of dancing. Her music videos are outrageous and controversial, especially the one with the burning crosses and black Jesus. Her fashion is bold and she doesn't apologize for who she is. Hell, I'm so proud of Gaga's uniqueness that I'm going to post a picture in tribute. The one. The only. The original. Lady Gaga.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

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