Hello all,
I won't belabor the point that I've been MIA recently. Apologies to all, especially those that have been requesting new material. To my fans, I've let you down. There's no excuse, but take solace that I now know exactly how Christina Aguilera feels.
So, the purpose of this post is to briefly share my thoughts on some of the summer's movies, music, and tv that I managed to catch while not working 14 hour days. Before that, I would like to give a shout-out to my girl, Lindsay Lohan. She's been a constant source of amusement, because she's a whiny, cracked-out bitch who threw a huge temper-tantrum about going to jail for like a hot second. I have absolutely no doubts that she hasn't changed at all and she will never manage to Britney Spears her way out of this publicity mess. When I've had hard days, Lindsay, your life has always made me feel better about myself. Thank you.
So, let's get to it. THIS REVIEW HAS SPOILERS SO YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. I will limit my spoilers to the specific piece of pop culture I am describing at the time. So, if you were reading a section called "Project Runway" you wouldn't have to worry about me inserting a sentence like "AND THEN OMG LEO DICAPRIO DIED AT THE END OF TITANIC." Or maybe I will now. Who knows?
MOVIES
Inception
So, I hope almost everyone that reads this has seen Inception. It's pretty fucking sweet, and Marion Cotillard is by far the most compelling part of the movie. Here's what drives me nuts...Smug hipsters leaving and posting comments like, "Oh hey Brucethor, I totally called that ending." Ok, in the realm of probability, yes, it is possible for someone to have predicted the general feeling of the ending. But really, comments like that make me think that you actually didn't get the ending at all. Perhaps I'm opening a whole forum for discussion and perhaps all of my readers who saw Inception have different takes on the ending, but if y'all disagree with me then you're just plain dumb. I had to say it. Anyway, the ending was deliberately ambiguous. We never know if it was a dream or not. So if some viewer said to himself "I totally think Inception is going to have a deliberately vague ending, to prompt audience debate about the structure of the film," then yes, you called it. However, I think more people were probably like, "I bet it's a dream...or maybe it's not a dream. No it totes is. I'm so thoughtful." GUESS WHAT TURDMONGER, YOU DIDN'T CALL THE ENDING. SO GET OFF YOUR GDAMN HIGH HORSE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Rating: 5/5 stars
The Kids Are Alright
I mean, it was good. Don't get me wrong. But I never ever want to think about Julianne Moore munching on Annette Bening's beef curtains. And that happened in the movie.
Rating: 3.5/5 stars
The Other Guys
I will admit it. I was pleasantly surprised at The Other Guys. I suppose it surpassed my wildest expectations. Granted, the film stars Will Ferrell so my expectations were pretty much at Land of the Lost levels. AKA I expected a big pile of baby dung to be flung at me, but instead I got a fairly funny movie. For those who've seen it, The Rock and Samuel L Jackson's finale scene was the best part of the movie. DARTH VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER.
Rating: 2.5/5 stars
Salt
I'll admit that I have a big stiffy for Angelina Jolie, in a metaphorical way. I think pretty much everything she does is great, from helping people in Pakistan to putting that smug bitch Jennifer Aniston in her place. So, it would have take a lot for me to dislike Salt. Hey, I even liked Tomb Raider 2 and that movie STUNK ASS. Objectively. Ergo, I endorse this film. Does the plot even make one bit of sense? HELL NO. But was it a wild and crazy ride? Yes. Much like the New York City subway system after 11pm.
Rating: 3/5 stars
MUSIC
Oh boy. I don't even know where to start here.
I already made a crack at Christina, so Imma let her be, especially since she's staring in a movie with Cher and I really feel like I'll get some bad gay karma if I say more here.
Insatiable, Nadine Coyle
NADINE COYLE IS A FUCKING BITCH! Ok, so most of you probably don't know what's going on with this song/singer. Let me back up and explain. One of my favorite pop groups ever, Girls Aloud, took a year hiatus AFTER SIGNING A THREE ALBUM DEAL to pursue solo projects before reuniting. Cheryl Cole released a solo disc, fully intending to return to Girls Aloud. I don't really know what Sarah and Kimberley were up to and I think Nadine made her own line of sunblock, because she is one pasty-ass mofo. Well, regardless of their activities, they all intended to return to Girls Aloud. I thought Nadine felt the same way, but apparently not. This ball-hair has no intention of returning and plans to stay solo, as evidenced by her new single. I don't care what anybody thinks of it. Even my objective opinion is in the trashcan. I am obligated to hate this ear-fuck with every fiber of my being. Go to Hell, you ugly skank. I can't wait until her album comes out so I can tear her a new, normal-sized vagina, which will sit directly below the pre-existing cavernous gully-trap she already possesses. For those of you who don't know what she looks like, I've included a picture:
Rating: 0/5 stars
OMG UPDATE! Cheryl Cole just released the lead single from her sophomore album, Promise This, and it TAKES A BIG, STINKY, NUTTY DUMP on Nadine's song. Their albums are going to be released one week apart. TEAM CHERYL!!!
Teenage Dream, Katy Perry
To be clear, I am referring to the entire album the soon-to-be Mrs. Caveman is planning to release, not just the single. Hmm ok. Let's just say I had high hopes for this disc. The lead singles were incredibly catchy, with Teenage Dream still remaining the best song on the cd (at least to my ears). Katy employed a "Taylor Swift" strategy of releasing a few songs on iTunes before her album's official release. So for about three weeks I was like, "OH HAY YES A NEW SONG...oh. This is average...BUT THE NEXT ONE WILL BE LOLTASTICALLY AWESOME HAR HAR." This repeated until the album came out, and then for the most part I thought this listening through the entire CD. Very few songs standout and Katy has this tendency to write songs based on some awkward metaphor (Firework=great guy, Peacock=cock, Pearl=nice girl being abused or vagina, etc). The only one I really endorse outside of the singles is The One That Got Away. There's hints of ingenuity there. I'll say it I like Ke$ha's CD better. There.
Rating: 2/5 stars
Body Talk Pt. 2, Robyn
I don't really have many witty things to say here, but I just wanted to make reference to something that was released between the months of May and September that didn't suck titty. This is a good-ass album and I'm super excited about the final chapter coming in wintra-tiemz.
Rating: 4.5/5 stars
Just for general reference, I will list some songs and review them in one word (which will likely be an invented, hyphenated Riha-speak).
Just the Way You Are, Bruno Mars. Boner-inducer.
Loca, Shakira. Nipple-riser.
Only Girl (In the World), Rihanna. Window-banger. SORRY I COULDN'T RESIST.
Mine, Taylor Swift. Redunda-catchy.
You Lost Me, Christina Aguilera. GoodButCareerReflective. (Pronounced "Gehwd-Butte-Care-Ear-EEEF-leek-t-eye-vee.")
TV
Alright, there hasn't been a ton of TV over the summer, but there's been enough.
Project Runway
Ok, so, I will admit that I haven't been the most loyal Runway watcher in recent years. I guess this woman named Leanne won a season I didn't even watch and I can't even tell you who won the last season without looking it up. I think that's because when a show is really focused on talent and showcasing the designs, it really lives or dies by the personality of the designers. America's Next Top Model, on the other hand, is a show that lives to just serve up some crazy, so it's guaranteed to be entertaining until the crazy is gone. Runway doesn't have that promise. However, I do think this season has started off nicely. There's been some real bitchy drama and I think everyone I know wants to punch Gretchen in the face. And I know her mother. So even though I don't think anyone is anywhere near Christian Siriano levels of talent, at least I'm finally being entertained. That being said, it is sort of bleak when this awkward mansuit is a winning design for a challenge:
The only thing that works are the shoes, and those weren't designed. Also, clever watchers of this season will notice I'm taking another swipe at Gretchen.
Rating: 3.5/5 stars
True Blood
Ok, True Blood is a show that definitely caters to its audience. Unlike Glee, however, I have to give True Blood's writers credit for pandering while still showing reverence for the plot. CAVEAT so when I say pandering, I mean like obviously sliding in Eric nudity and a bunch o' gay scenes. My caveat is that Eric's storyline has been great, but there are some storylines that don't contain pandering that kinda suck ass. The whole Sookie/Russell/Eric/Bill shizz has been pretty entertaining, but oh my God I couldn't care less about Sam and his family. Also, Jessica and Lafayette have been super dullsville so far. It's like their characters lived their interesting arcs and now the writers don't have any more good ideas for them. This is exacerbated by the fact that neither of these characters exist at this point in the books, so the writers don't really have anything to go off of. Here are my suggestions for season 4:
1. LET SOOKIE AND ERIC BANG JESUS PLEASE
2. LET SOOKIE AND ALCIDE BANG JESUS PLEASE
3. LET ALCIDE AND ERIC BANG JESUS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
4. Work harder on the stories to make them of equal quality. But this takes less priority than the other three suggestions.
Rating: 3.5/5 stars
UGH so I didn't really watch much other exciting TV this summer because of my move and new life. So that's it for me. THE WIZARD OF OZ IS ALL A DREAM.
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