Reviews of 2013 Movies (in Tweet form)

Hello everyone!

I've been the most delinquent ever, but what's new?  I saw a fair amount of movies in 2013, but I've been bad about film watching...for a variety of reasons I won't list here.  Anyway, I'm going to try to remember the movies I did see and review them in ~140 characters.

American Hustle

Great acting, great styling, not much going for story.  Adams and Lawrence shine brightest  Oh, and Cooper's perm.  That is nuts.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Anchorman 2

Stupid as shit, but in a way that you'd expect.  Original is actually more cohesive as a film.  Carrell walks away with movie.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Blue Jasmine

Cate is great.  But not much else lands.  Sort of boring, actually?  The acting is strong, but I can't actually remember anything else

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

Frozen

My inner teenage girl was delighted.  Like a throwback to Disney of the 90s.  Slightly predictable at times, but I'd watch again.  And again.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Fruitvale Station

The audience sat in silence for several minutes after film concluded.  Powerful stuff.  Michael B Jordan is excellent.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Gravity

Sure, the whole backstory aspect feels a little unnecessary, but full of virtuoso filmmaking.  Rare film that doesn't make me hate 3D.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

The Heat

I sort of respect a movie that doesn't try to be more important than it is (cough Saving Mr. Banks).  It's dumb, silly, but McCarthy is a hoot.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Much better than first Hobbit, just fine overall.  Weird romance subplot, IMO.  Oh, didn't know there was a third planned.  Felt blue balled.

Rating: 3/5 stars

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Ending felt rushed. Solid filmmaking otherwise.  Lawrence is a star, and strong supporting turns all around.  Team Peeta, for what it's worth.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Saving Mr. Banks

Good to see Thompson working again.  Ending feels odd, given the whole build up.  Colin Farrell is best part of the film, shocker!

Rating: 3/5 stars

DID I ONLY SEE TEN MOVIES THIS YEAR?  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?  WHICH FILMS DID I FORGET?

Oscar Nomination Predictions

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

Aka Oscar nominations happen this Thursday!  Like usual, I'll offer my predictions for will WILL be nominated and also throw in what should be nominated.  So you'll have a sense of how disgruntled I'll be this weekend.

OFF WE GO!

Best Supporting Actor

Let's work our way up to the big awards.  Much like the actual Oscar broadcast...but without nonsensical awards that seem like filler.

Will be nominated

Alan Arkin, Argo
Javier Bardem, Skyfall
Leonardo DiCaprio, Django Unchained
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, The Master

Should be nominated

Javier Bardem, Skyfall
Leonardo DiCaprio, Django Unchained
Dwight Henry, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Ezra Miller, Perks of Being a Wallflower
Andy Serkis, The Hobbit

Although it may seem like my ideal list is completely different from the projected list, I'm pretty pleased with what will likely happen.  This is a good year for supporting actor.  Regarding my predictions, I think I'll get at least 3/5, but it's possible that Christoph Waltz or Robert DeNiro will slide in here.

Best Supporting Actress

Will be nominated

Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Nicole Kidman, The Paperboy
Maggie Smith, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Should be nominated

Amy Adams, The Master
Emily Blunt, Looper
Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Rebel Wilson, Pitch Perfect

I'm feeling 4/5 here.  Smith/Kidman/Adams are all hovering around a nomination.  But only two can make it, because Field/Hathaway/Hunt are pretty locked in.

Best Actor

Will be nominated

Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
John Hawkes, The Sessions
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables
Denzel Washington, Flight

Should be nominated

Jack Black, Bernie
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
John Hawkes, The Sessions
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Jean-Louis Trintignant, Amour

Yes.  Jack Black.  Really.  I said it.  Phoenix is so clearly the best option...sort of bums me out he could likely get snubbed

Best Actress

Will be nominated

Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Marion Cotillard, Rust and Bone
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour

Should be nominated

Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhane Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild

SO I haven't seen a lot of the Best Actress movies.  I dont' feel particularly strongly about the projected nominees, especially since Riva I put as a gamble...Helen Mirren is a much more likely choice.  BUT HOW CAN SHE NOT BE NOMINATED?  Lawrence and Chastain were strong, so I don't feel badly about their inclusion.  But since I haven't seen Mirren/Watts/Cotillard yet, I can't comment.

Best Director

Will be nominated

Ben Affleck, Argo
Kathryn Bigelow, Zero Dark Thirty
Tom Hooper, Les Miserables
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln

Should be nominated

Ben Affleck, Argo
Paul Thomas Anderson, The Master
Kathryn Bigelow, Zero Dark Thirty
Michael Haneke, Amour
Rian Johnson, Looper

Well.  Hooper is probably going to get another Oscar nom.  And he is a hideous director.  He ruins everything.  I hate him.  Good for BAFTA for flipping him the figurative directorial bird.

Best Picture

There could be anywhere from five to ten noms...so I'll rank them in order.  Take the number of actual nominees and compare to that many on my list.  So if eight nominees are announced, compare that to my top eight.

Will be nominated

1. Lincoln
2. Argo
3. Zero Dark Thirty
4. Les Miserables
5. Life of Pi
6. Silver Linings Playbook
7. Django Unchained
8.  Moonrise Kingdom
9. Beasts of the Southern Wild
10.  The Master

Should be nominated (just five)

Amour
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Looper
The Master
Zero Dark Thirty

2012 Movie Round Up

Hey all,

SUPER long time since I've posted.  Lame-o.  I moved and whatnot, so I feel like that was a part of my delinquency.  Anyway.  I've seen bunches o' movies and listened to bunches o'songs since then.  I've decided to review those Twitter style.  Aka I literally opened Twitter and restricted my comments for each review to 140 characters (except for the stars--sorry, only human).  This will be interested (read: boring).  Starting with movies, music to follow...

Movies

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Beauty of a film.  Wallis is a superstar.  Lots of crabs (Not the sex kind).  Definitely see twice to appreciate.  Craving alligator now?

Rating: 5/5 stars

Pitch Perfect

Rebel Wilson is my hero.  Great one liners, but will it be funny in a second viewing?  Debatable.  Crazy vomit scene, tho.  Plus in my book.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Safety Not Guaranteed  

Stars April from Parks&Rec.  'Nuff said.  But I still have lots of characters left, which are now wasted instead of used to praise this gem.

4.5/5 stars

Looper

SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT

Rating: 5/5 stars

For a Good Time Call...

Cute (in a super sexually explicit way).  Expected more bite and humor, but I felt ok.  Ari Graynor is my new favorite ever.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

Bachelorette

Not cute (in a sexually explicit way) but bitingly funny--almost uncomfortably.  Rebel Wilson is a plus.  Not enough James Marsden nudity.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

The Dark Knight Rises

Hathaway steals the show.  Issues with ending stop a higher rating, but still awesome.  Action is sweet.  Worst Cotillard performance ever.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

The Avengers

The other huge superhero movie of the summer.  Joss Whedon is a God--pulling this off so well.  Tony Stark was the most entertaining, IMO

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Perks of Being a Wallflower

Ezra Miller has the greenlight.  The butt greenlight.  Moved--but more by subject matter than movie craftsmanship?  Either way, great.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Movie Review: Friends with Kids

Do you know someone who is desperate to get you to like him or her (or gender neutral pronoun, who knows)? This movie is sort of like that friend--charming at moments, and lord knows this friend has a checklist of all of your favorite things (aka Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, etc). Yet, the desperation to win you over is ultimately off putting. That's how I would describe Friends with Kids.

Sure, there are profane jokes--poop jokes included, which I love. Sure, there's dirty sex talk--even floppy vagina jokes, which I love! And sure, it features a third of the cast of Bridesmaids--which I love! But this movies tries to throw too much, too fast and never really packs the punch it could. I'm not saying it's a bad movie--far from it. But it could have been great.

To save time, I'm going to boil this review in to a Pros/Cons list

Pros

1. Poop jokes

2. Floppy vagina jokes

3. Casting

4. A sizable amount of humor

Cons

1. For a movie trying to say something different, the ending was kinda cliched

2. Never really found anyone too believable, which made it hard for me to care about the characters

3. Could have been more poop jokes

4. Can Jennifer Westfeldt's face move?

Anyway, it was a pleasant enough way to pass two hours, but isn't going to shake up the world like Bridesmaids did.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars.

Top 10 Movies of 2011

Yes, I know it's March...so this is kinda overdue. But I wanted to catch enough good 2011 movies so that my list was coming from the 25 movies I saw last year, as opposed to previous years when I make a top 10 list from 13 movies seen. Holler.

Anywho, there were a bunch of movies I didn't see this year that were critically acclaimed, so if one of your favorites isn't on this list, there's a good chance I didn't catch it. Or I did and didn't love it. Deal.

Wazzup.

10. Melancholia

Best Actress snubee Kirsten Dunst pulls out all the stops, but for me, it's the unraveling Charlotte Gainsburg that steals the show. Never has the end of the world felt so simultaneously bleak and exhilarating.

9. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Note that I didn't read the book first, nor have I seen the Sweedish version. So I went in fresh and I was blown away. The move is 2.5 hours long, but is so tightly edited that it never drags. Mara is a revelation as Lisbeth, but with a role so complicated, you'd hope so. I would have never guessed that anal rape could be portrayed as less depressing than tossing a leather jacket in a dumpster.

8. Bridesmaids

Someday the Academy will be cool enough to recognize the difficulty of comedy and give an Oscar to a performance like Melissa McCarthy's. Until then, I'll be content rewatching this comedic masterpiece--specifically the volcanic diarrhea scene. Please don't make a sequel unless it is mind blowing.

7. The Descendants

Where was fucking Robert Forster's Oscar nomination? I think I cried about four times during this movie. Some of my friends are really apathetic about this, but I don't really care. It's my list.

6. The Artist

Although The Artist was never my first choice for Best Picture, Best Director, or Best Actor, I'm damn happy that I really enjoyed a Best Picture winner for the first time since 2008 (and clearly the alpha Best Picture winner of the 2010s. Eat a dick, King's Speech). And even though Jean Dujardin wasn't my vote for actor, he sure charms the pants off of me. Feel free to take that previous statement to a dirty place.

5. Drive

Super cool. Super violent. Just super all over. Gosling underplays the lead brilliantly. Albert Brooks should have been a contenda (for the Oscar). Poor Christina Hendricks. That elevator scene is a work of genius. This is a super disjointed commentary.

4. Tinker Tailor Solider Spy

Ah. Now enter my actual vote for Best Actor: Gary Oldman. Incredible. I think my advice to anyone going to see this movie is that you better be prepared to pay attention to every g-damn detail. But it's worth it. Also, the movie really effectively uses the guy who plays Lupin in the Harry Potter movies.

3. Hugo

Ugh. I really love this movie. Probably the 2nd most rewatchable of the list, after Bridesmaids. I wish Ben Kingsley had been an Oscar contender (opting not to go for the Marlon Brando reference this time). Anyway, get over your aversion to 3D and go see this movie right away. It's delightful.

2. The Tree of Life

Admittedly, this movie is a little hard to watch at times. But I can't think of a single film more lovingly crafted. Every shot is a thing of beauty and it pains me that the cinematography Oscar went elsewhere. Both Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain got Oscar noms for other movies, but my gut is saying they gave better performances here. Really stunningly shot and has a lot of emotionally profound moments. Definitely something special

1. A Separation

I cannot, for the life of me, think of another movie where literally every scene, shot, line of dialogue--everything--comes together in such a brilliant way. Honestly, this movie was so well planned and executed that it blew me away. There are so many layers of meaning in this film, and it starts in such a simple way. To me, this movie really raises the bar for other films because not a single moment is wasted--but you don't realize how important everything is until the film wraps up. I wish I could say more, but spoiling even one little detail of this movie would do it a huge disservice. Just see it.

That's it. I've had a cold for two whole weeks, so if I don't sleep now my throat might quit on me. Blergh. NIGHT NIGHT.

Whitney Houston--Riha's Top 10 Songs

Hey all,
I don't want to write a long post here, but I felt compelled to say a little something about Whitney Houston in light of her passing.
As a Whitney fan, I've gone through my ups and downs with the diva--from utter faith in her ability to regain her stardom to extreme disappointment in her downfall. I suppose all of that seems moot now, since I'll never know what could have come her way. She meant a lot to me musically--a rare voice that couldn't be touched in its heyday. From 1985-1994 her power was undeniable. Perhaps Mariah/Celine/other divas have held onto their voices for longer, but nobody could touch Whitney in her prime. I will miss her.I was actually in the process of reworking my Top 10 Whitney songs before she died, so now finishing seems appropriate. She had a lot of great songs and I agonized over this for a while.

10. I Look to You

Her last CD, I Look to You, may not have performed to expectations, but it was a solid effort. This song was a glimmer that old Whitney could still emerge someday. Although her live performances at this point were hit or miss, this one suggested she was on the road to recovery: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTSlKG2ZCq8

9. How Will I Know

Her first dance hit, of like four total dance hits (note--this is mathematically inaccurate). I'd post my favorite live performance (don't worry, this will become a trend soon), but since the music video is such a hoot I'll post that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3-hY-hlhBg&ob=av3e

8. All the Man That I Need

Oddly, this song isn't regarded as one of her biggest hits, even though it's her fourth most successful song on the Billboard charts. WELL I'M BRINGING IT BACK. This video is of her rehearsing before her first ever appearance on SNL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FfG87hiKSA

7. I Have Nothing

As much as American Idol contestants try, they'll never top the original. Hell, even Natalie Cole tried to sing this at the Oscars and couldn't hold a candle to the original Here's a stuning performance at the Billboard Music Awards: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A--h0o_7yzg<

6. I Believe in You and Me

Granted, this might be getting a small boost because of its lyrical content in the wake of her death...but it's still amazing. I consider this her last really great vocal before things deteriorated. This live performance shows a few signs of cracks in the republic, but she's still totally killing it circa 1997 AND sits in a chair the whole time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFa53KEUlNI

5. Saving All My Love for You

I love this song, despite its surprisingly salacious (well, salacious for Whitney) content. I'd be remiss if I didn't link to her singing this at the 1986 Grammy Awards...largely because she won a freaking Emmy for this live performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qLYy8oBzc8

4. One Moment in Time

I don't care that it's kinda cheesy because the lyrics really hit home for me. Thinking of a struggling closeted Riha years ago, this song was one I listened to and made me feel like the intense sadness I was feeling would go away. This is my favorite live performance she's ever done: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYFHAvULvJ0

3. My Love is Your Love

A surprisingly low key number, but I think her death has given the lyrics new emotional weight. I wanted to pick a good vocal of this song...so I went with her Letterman appearance. Sadly, Bobbi Kristina didn't cameo, but she does so YouTube that business: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5kBWwXTZo4

2. I Will Always Love You

Classic. Powerful. Undeniable greatness. There's an embarrassment of riches with live performances of this one, so I just picked a classic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hM_vSQLu_8&feature=related

1. I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)

I love this song. Always have, always will. It's never ceased to be my favorite Whitney and I think it's how I would most like to remember her--happy, upbeat, and at the top of her vocal form: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pdUvfojP7-w

And a few more live gems that aren't technically "Whitney" songs, but are worth watching...

Obviously her Star Spangled Banner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jeUINzHK9o

BUT! If you want an extra dose of patriotism, check out her Battle Hymm of the Republic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSvH4s-4sCQ

I know I posted I Have Nothing earlier, but here's a killer medley of Porgy and Bess/Dreamgirls (And I Am Telling You!!!)/The Bodyguard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eGIo_SCrN8&feature=fvst

And although this was an album cut for Whitney, in my heart this is a duet (hence it not making my list). Here's When You Believe at the Oscars: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7qX3eQVnQ0

I feel like I could go on all night. But I'm going to leave it here.

Goodbye, Whitney.

Predicting the Oscar Nominations

It's Oscar season. Naturally this means I'm watching movies than usual (a clever front to justify more popcorn than usual). As in the past, I'm going to offer my predictions in the majors categories. If you end up winning a lot of money off of these predictions, please at least promise to spend it on some shallow, materials goods. That would be the best way to thank me.

Anyway, let's do this. I'm going to focus on Picture, Director, and Acting categories. I don't really care about much else except Original Score, which I doubt any of you care about so there's no need to write about it. Whee.

Let's work backwards.

Best Supporting Actor

The five I predict are...

Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn

Jonah Hill, Moneyball

Nick Nolte, Warrior

Albert Brooks, Drive

Anticipated snubs that bum me out...

Ben Kinglsey, Hugo

Robert Forster, The Descendants

Patton Oswalt, Young Adult

Brad Pitt, The Tree of Life

So, this category is one that I don't feel super sure about. I mean, the safe bets are Plummer and Branagh. Technically Hill is a safe bet also, but he's so bland in Moneyball it almost shocks me he's a sure thing. But he has precursor attention, so I guess that's that. Look for Viggo Mortensen (yum), Armie Hammer (yum), and Max von Sydow (OLD) to be possible spoilers come Tuesday. With my snub list, you can see who I wish would be nominated. They're probably pipe dreams, but a small part of me is holding out for Kingsley (and in a just world, Oswalt would get the "comedian playing against type" nom over Hill).

Best Supporting Actress

The five I predict are...

Octavia Spencer, The Help

Jessica Chastain, The Help

Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids

Berenice Bejo, The Artist

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs

Anticipated snubs that bum me out...

Charlotte Gainsbourg, Melancholia

Pretty much any lady, Bridesmaids (In particular, Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne)

Shailene Woodley, The Descendants

Marion Cotillard, Midnight in Paris

So, Woodley could very well be nominated (hooray!) in what seems to be a very tight category. I don't really anticipate anyone sneaking that will horrify me (a la Penelope Cruz getting a nom for Nine). The one trick is Bejo, who could easily be placed in the lead category. If category confusion causes a Bejo snub (or Bejo in lead), then Woodley will likely take her place. However, I think that the nature of The Artist makes it seem that most voters are going to do what Harvey Weinstein tells them to do and put her supporting. It's a real shame Gainsbourg has no chance here.

Best Actor

The five I predict are...

George Clooney, The Descendants

Brad Pitt, Moneyball

Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Michael Fassbender, Shame

Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Solider Spy (commas removed to avoid confusion, yo)

Ok, if you're really trying to win money off of this, you'd be smart to replace Oldman with Leonoardo DiCaprio for J.Edgar. He has more precursor love here in America. But I'm not smart and feel like going off of a hunch that Tinker is poised for a last minute surge due to release date and BAFTA noms. So I'm taking a risk here I hope will pay off. This is a very good category, though and I can't really think of any lead male performances I preferred to these five. I suppose Oldman, if snubbed, would be the one I think should be here. I will say that if DiCaprio does make it over Oldman, then this category is a wonderful idea for a gangbang.

Best Actress

The five I predict are...

Viola Davis, The Help

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Tilda Swinton (what will she wear next?!?), We Need to Talk About Kevin

Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs

Anticipated snubs that bum me out...

Charlize Theron, Young Adult

Rooney Mara, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Kirsten Dunst, Melancholia

Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids

It's safe to say that if it were up to me, I'd take my snub list, add Viola Davis, and call it a day. Alas, I don't have that power. This category seems all sewn up. The only possible surprises would come from Bejo or Mara sneaking in, but I think that seems unlikely at this point. Close and Swinton are the only ones that are vulnerable, but given how things have gone thus far I think they're still the most likely choices.

Best Director

The five I predict are...

Michael Hazanavicius, The Artist

Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Alexander Payne, The Descendants

David Fincher, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Anticipated snubs that bum me out...

Terrrence Malick, The Tree of Life

The Nazi Lover, Melancholia

Someone I've never heard of (but nice job), Tinker Tailor Solider Spy

Of the predicted five, only Fincher seems vulnerable. If he doesn't make it, I'd guess either Tate Taylor (The Help) or Steven Spielberg (War Horse). Neither of them deserve it over Fincher, so here's to hoping the Academy does the right thing. It blows my mind that Malick has no chance because he created the most visionary movie of the year. If my predictions hold up, a very good category.

Best Picture

Ok, this requires some explanation. I am going to rank my top 10 choices (in order) for Best Picture. Because anywhere from five to ten movies could be nominated, I'm ranking to determine the appropriate cut off point to gauge my success. In other words, if seven movies receive nominations on Tuesday, I will look at my top seven movies here and see how I do. Make sense?

1. The Artist

2. The Descendants

3. Hugo

4. Midnight in Paris

5. The Help

6. Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

7. Moneyball

8. War Horse.

9. Bridesmaids

10. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Anticipated snubs that bum me out...

THE TREE OF FUCKING LIFE, DAMNIT.

Melancholia

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2

How to Train Your Dragon (it should be a write in from last year)

Yeah, I don't have much to say. We'll see what happens. I feel super crappy about my choices. Yippee. I think it's safe to say were all in this for the classy fashion choices we'll see on the red carpet.

I'm pretty sure this last dress isn't from the Oscars, but any excuse to continually punish her for Sex and the City 2.

Winter Movie Round-up

Greetings from (Wh)Oregon.

Due to the fact that I am currently isolated from normal humanity in southeastern Oregon, I am much more prolific on the old blog. I've also been much better about catching Oscar bait films. So, I have a bounty of mini reviews for you to help you make the most of what's out there. Or just read this and make up your own mind about what you want to see. It's up to you.

I'm going to do "Ten word reviews." Let's see how this goes.

The Artist

Very charming. Rips Vertigo score. I loved it. Dog Oscar?

War Horse

Emotionally manipulative, but I cried. So I liked. Horse Oscar?

My Week with Marilyn

Sort of blah. Williams was great. No Redmayne nudity. Sigh.

The Descendants

People find it blah. I loved. I must be old.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Didn't know story before. Was quite excellent. Brace for rape.

Hugo

YES YES YES YES WIN WIN WIN WIN SEE IT.

Melancholia

Depressing, but beautiful. Not just talking about the Dunst titties.

Midnight in Paris

Cotillard is goddess. Super charming. Maybe my favorite Woody Allen?

Mission Impossible 4

Lots of fun. Paula Patton rules. Wanting a sequel. Penis.

That's all for now, folks! If I had to rank the list (to help you out), it would look like this:

1. Hugo

2. The Artist

3. Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

4. Melancholia

5. The Descendants

6. Mission Impossible 4

7. War Horse

8. Midnight in Paris

9. My Week with Marilyn.

That's my two cents, yo. PS only part of this review was written in Whoregon. The rest was in Boston. Transparency. What up.

Top 10 Albums of 2011

Hey Everyone!

This post comes to you from OUTER SPACE. Well…not really. I’m writing this on an airplane, so I’m closer to outer space than normal, but not quite there yet.

INTERJECTION: This fucking geezer in the seat in front of me just leaned his seat back. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I am super duper tall. This is unacceptable. I want to cut the cord on his oxygen tank.

Ok, he doesn’t have an oxygen tank. But oh, if he did…

Anyway, back to my space fantasy/list. Here are my top 10 (technically top 11, yes I cheated) albums of the year. Although it starts on a super poppy note, I think you will be surprised to see how adventurous this list is. And by adventurous, I mean still super poppy with like four other albums thrown in. That’s about as far out of the mainstream as I’ll ever get. UGH CAN HE PLEASE LEAN FORWARD. If he dies on this flight, I’m going to be mad. I have a tight layover

10 (tie). Femme Fatale by Britney Spears/Born This Way by Lady Gaga

A good year for pop, overall. Brit turned in one of her strongest showings, and Gags released an album that didn’t infuriate me (like I thought it would beforehand). Kudos ladies. Before I cheated, I couldn’t decide which I wanted to put in the list. Brit’s showing is very solid across the board--a tight album with no real lags (well, except Big Fat Bass, but I’ll let that slide). Gags’ album is a lot longer and feels more uneven, but seems to be more ambitious that Brit. Some of the things that she tries for are pretty clever. So I decided to cop out and call a tie.

9. Heaven by Rebecca Ferguson

Just go out and listen to her CD. Short and sweet, like a great CD should be. Not that there aren't great CDs out there that are also long. I don't really know what kind of point I'm trying to make. Anyway, this is retro-soul magic. Most reviews are calling this the greatest album to come from an X Factor winner, which is incredibly faint praise...BUT TRUE.

8. 21 by ADELE

CLICHED OBVIOUS CHOICE ALERT. But yes, this album is the tits. I hope her throat heals.

7. City of Refuge by Abigail Washburn

Since this album is like the perfect folk disc, I thought a Google image search of "folk music" would be an appropriate tribute. I shit you not this was one of the first things to pop up:

It's also her album in a nutshell.

6. Wounded Rhymes by Lykki Li

Lykke Li is one weird ass chick, but I love her music. She was the only non-mainstream (assuming you include UK mainstream) artist to make my singles list. Also, this CD makes me more nostalgic for Amy Winehouse than most other obvious choices. Not sure how to explain that one.

5. On a Mission by Katy B

I'm not going to lie. If you played a random song from this CD there's like a two percent chance I could name it. But this CD is gdamn seamless. Each song just perfectly flows into the next. Also, it's super sassy Eurodance music. So bonus points for that. Short sentences reversion. Stylistic writing, yo.

4. Helplessness Blues by Fleet Foxes

MORE FOLK! MORE PELICANS WITH A GUITAR! I actually dove a little deeper into the Google image search for "folk music" (aka I looked at the first 15 pictures that came up) and decided to post this picto-review for Fleet Foxes:

This CD is "old man with milk" good!!

3. Hell on Heels by Pistol Annies

Please. Like you think I'd go a year without honoring Miranda Lambert as much as possible? Although her solo album this year was a little disappointing, luckily she provided this slice of heaven (with the help of two other randos I can't remember right now). Accolades!

2. 4 by Beyonce

This is her, "GIVE ME A BABY, JAY-Z" album. He must have gotten the message. But even though nobody liked any of the singles, this whole CD is fire. Her best, by far. Well, I do like B'Day a lot...hm. No. This one. Yes. Ask me in a week, I'll probably change my mind. BUT FOR NOW!

1. El Camino by The Black Keys

They make me want to have sex. More than any other artist ever. Jesus. I don't know what it is, but they WORK FOR ME. UGH. This album is fantastic and I'm excited to see what comes next. Note--their music gets me hot and bothered. Not the actual physical appearance of the artists. Just want to make that clear.

OK! Happy 2011 comma music category!! I thought I would look for one last image, based on a search for "2011 music." So naturally, this came up immediately:

Top 10 Singles of 2011

Hello world.

2011 is coming to an end, which is super exciting since I get to write about my favorite things from the year without feeling super narcissistic. If real critics and legit bloggers can do it, why can't I?

However, unlike those people, I don't get paid to sit and listen to tons of songs/albums or watch tv/movies. I do it on my own g-damn dime and, as evidenced by the lack of frequency with which I've blogged recently, I don't have as much time as I want. Sigh. My life is so hard. Melodrama.

Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying this post should more accurately be called, "Riha's top 10 songs that come from the 15 artists he likes that actually released music this year." Only with proper capitalization rules for a title. Imagine that happening as well.

And we're off.

10. You and I, Lady Gaga

There were two strong Gaga songs, two crap Gaga songs, and one solid Gaga song released this year as singles. You can guess which is which, but in my mind You and I takes the cake. Yes, it's been floating around for years now and yes, there's some weird German sideways colon that I'm supposed to write over the letter "u" in the title of the song. Those things are unrelated both to each other and to the quality of the song. Yet I find them relevant.

Anyway, good showing from Gagzilla.

9. The One That Got Away, Katy Perry

I think that this song was actually one of my top 10 songs of 2010 since that's when her album was released, but it's a single now. And since I set up arbitrary eligibility rules for my lists, it's counting now. The video is worth watching, mainly for seeing Katy in age makeup and discovering that in the future coffee is served out of a bridge. Anywho, this song makes me sad. Not "nobody tried to play out their Nicole Scherzinger death threats" sad, but sad nonetheless. And I'm a sucker for a good sad song. And a sucker for started sentences with the word "and."

8. How to Love, Lil Wayne

Sir Lil Wayne is the only gentleman to appear on the list. Love the song. I haven't actually watched the video. From what I understand, there's something about hospital/birth and generally anything related to placenta makes me run in the opposite direction. So for now, the song is more than enough.

7. With Ur Love, Cher Lloyd

I forgive her for the "ur" in the title (who the fuck does she think she is, Prince?) because the song is so damn catchy. She's a Brit, btw. Just look her up on Youtube because the 14 people that actually read this blog probably don't know the song. However, don't watch the video too closely--just listen. The video is blah to the blah.

6. Hell On Heels, Pistol Annies

I'm taking a break from promiscuously honoring Miranda Lambert at every chance I get and instead am honoring her Pistol Annies side project this year. LOOK HOW DIVERSE MY TASTE ARE, PEOPLE!

5. We Found Love, Rihanna

I think my feelings for the song are best embodied in this image:

I love it so much I barf happy ribbons. I'm sure I'll read the previous sentence weeks later and think it's mega stupid, but I like it now (1:06AM on a Wednesday).

4. Sadness is a Blessing, Lykke Li

OMG I'M SO EMO, Y'ALL. Much like Cher Lloyd, just look this one up. However, I will encourage you to pay attention to this video. It's pretty much a direct reenactment of every date I ever go on.

3. Till the World Ends, Britney Spears

WHY THE FUCK IS IT SPELLED, "TILL"? Shouldn't it be "Til' the World Ends"? "Till", to me, implies that Britney is at the edge of the world, tilling the soil. Regardless, the song is fire and one of her best yet. Get it, girl.

2. Someone Like You, Adele

Sure, Rolling in the Deep is super mega popular and awesome, but I like this single better. Again, falling into the sad song motif. Much like this:

Don't worry, I'm not going all internet cat lady on you.

1. Super Bass, Nicki Minaj

Sure, it's not the most critically acclaimed choice. Sure, it's not the most inventive subject matter. And sure, I know a few of you out there are thinking that I could have gone with a whiter song. Well, too bad. I love this song. I know all the damn words, which was special before that selfish toddler bitch went on Youtube/Ellen and ruined it for me. Now it's not fun when I do it. What a whore.

TV Review: Top Model All Stars

Once and a while, baby Jesus gives you a gift so precious and wonderful that you almost can't believe it's happening. The All Star Cycle of Top Model is such a gift.

I can summarize this cycle in one picture:

The above actually happened this cycle. Tonight is the finale, so hopefully something epic happens. If my favorite doesn't win, expect a tantrum post about the show.

OH! There's an episode where they write their own songs and do music videos. If you need more incentive to check out this cycle, watch this.

Rating: 5/5. For sheer entertainment value.

TV Review: X Factor

I pretty much start every post with an apology about a delay in posting. At this point it's just sad to think that :

1. I'll ever be able to post as much as I did when I worked for my university.
2. I'm deluding myself into thinking I feel bad about this. Ok, maybe a little bad. Wait, no. That was the delusion again.

So anyway, given my affinity for reality television, washed up has-beens making a comeback, talentless assholes being given more credit than they deserve, and chair dancing, I decided to watch the X Factor. And I knew I was going to get what I want just from the judging panel. PS if it weren't clear, Nicole is the asshole. More on that waste of human garbage in a second.

The premise of the show is simple. American Idol+Performance Production Value+Judge Mentorship-Hosting Ability-Age restrictions=X Factor. Contestants perform each week with guidance from one of the judges, the public votes, and then the bottom two sing for their lives and the judges decide who goes home. The decision regarding who to send home is usually based on wildly inconsistent criteria. Frequently vocal talent isn't part of the criteria.

Let's recap who the judges are:

SIMON COWELL

Brit extraordinaire. Known for harsh judgments, v-neck shirts, and man boobs. He's on the far left I think.

LA REID

Music mogel, famous for chair dancing and harshness. A black, more qualified (has actually put famous people on the map like Mariah Carey, TLC, Rihanna, etc) Simon Cowell. LA is in this picture somewhere.

PAULA ABDUL

Here's a picture of Paula and her fiance.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER

Nicole is actually such a non-star I don't really know what she looks like. I decided to post one of those "time lapsed" pictures. This is what Nicole will look like 20 months from now.

So anyway, this show is all about spectacle. People perform songs with somewhere from four to eight back up dancers, while a laser light show takes place and giant images of nonsensical items (houses, gates, clouds, butterflies) appear in the background. Then the host, Steve Jones, says something really fucking awkward. But you forgive it because he's hot. So so awkward. But so fine.

So yes, it's another reality show. Normally I would rank the remaining contestants, but I don't care anymore so I won't.

Rating: Depends on mood. Ranges from 4/5 stars to negative 7 out of 5 stars.

TV Review: 2 Broke Girls

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy world,

So it's been a little while since I posted here...life has gotten pretty hectic at work, more than I ever could have imagined. Since my new roommate has had some issues with weirdos stalking her blog and bringing it up to her in real life, I won't use this as an opportunity to vent about the ONE thing that is making work incredibly miserable. But I can pinpoint it. Believe me. I can.

Anywho, before this turns "ahhhhh my feelings" on you, faithful reader (singular), I'm going to jump into a quick review of a new tv show (and I'm going to work my way through the other new shows I watch, slowly but surely).

2 Broke Girls stars someone who I thought (at first) played Janis Ian from Mean Girls (but didn't) and some preppy chick I've never seen before. They play waitresses forced to live together by circumstance who come from different worlds. Yes, that last sentence was probably the first sentence of the pitch to CBS, nbd. It's littered with sex humor, which is surprising given that the average CBS viewer lived through the Great Depression. Anyway, these two characters are a classic odd couple, with Janis being the sarcastic one that hates the world, and whats-her-name is the more positive, spoiled counterpoint. They're trying to raise money for a bakery. That plotline comes up infrequently.

As of right now, they are really the only two characters. The show also features some pretty racially stereotypical portrayals of an Asian guy and black guy, which is surprisingly backwards of the show. Is it backward or backwards? I dunno. Grammar. But yeah, it's kinda racist. Not enough to offend me though, because I am an average-to-just-plain-bad person. I've made peace with it.

Nevertheless, the two stars are endearing and even though the show seems to be trying too hard for a punchline every 30 seconds, the chemistry between the lead ladies holds it together.

Worth watching. At least for a few episodes. Did I mention that there's a horse? Because there is. This may seem random and tangental to this blog post, but the horse is random and tangental to the show. So it works.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

Album Review: 4

First of all, I heard this at a friend's place. I didn't illegally download it. This is just based on that listen. Cough.

In honor of the title of Beyonce's new album, I will share the four main observations I have about this disc:

1. I like 1+1 as a song, but I sincerely hope she's recovering from the mini-stroke that convinced her to release it as a single. Even if it was just for a hot second before she realized her mistake.

2. It should come as no surprise to people that Love on Top is my favorite song. This is largely due to the song's FOUR key changes. Seriously, this song probably has more key changes than The World's Greatest or the Free Willy song. Pause for me to confirm this fact...YEP! I mean I skimmed through the Free Willy song, but I think that one only had three key changes. So yes. Four. Amazing.

3. Sure, it's not as dance-friendly as her previous efforts, but there's something I really like about this CD. I can't really put my finger on it. Which is what makes me such an awesome reviewer. Just trust me on this one.

4. Current single, Best I Never Had, is currently being called Irreplaceable part 2. I guess that song is replaceable after all OH PUN. But no. It isn't. There can only be one. Although this B+ substitute is pretty solid. Short sentences. Yes.

So, fittingly, i would say:

Rating: 4/5 stars. SEE WHY THAT RATING IS FITTING?!?

Single Review: Today is Your Day

Shania Twain is back with a new single, y'all! Yee haw!

Or is it? Anyway, this latest effort, albeit autobiographical/inspirational/blah blah etc, is a bit...repetitive. And if you listen to it, tell me if you can resist breaking into the chorus of Bubbly, by Colbie Callat. Surely this effort isn't preceding an album of Come On Over-esque greatness (seriously, that album is timeless), but I anticipate a decent CD. And if there's a track called "Fuggo Bitch Stole My Husband" then even better.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

TV Review: Parks and Recreation

"You're" being Parks and Recreation. High praise. This dude was pretty accomplished.

Rating: 5/5 stars.

Album Review: Born This Way

I'll be the first to admit I wanted to use Born This Way to take a dump on GaGa for constantly overstating her musical importance. She might not realize this, but her music isn't the greatest thing to happen in the history of time.

Yet, I can't help but feel consistently entertained by her new album. It would be sort of a bitch move to knock the album for GaGa's 'tude, especially since there aren't any actual tracks on the disc entitled, "THE GREATEST SONG IN HISTORY," or something similar.

So, here are my quick thoughts:

1. Judas is probably the 10th best song on the 14 song set, so I have no idea why the eff she choose it as a single.

2. As much as this CD is full of weird dance pop and references to unicorns (no joke), my favorite track is probably the mid-tempo power ballad, You and I.

3. If asked to summarize the album in four words, I would say: Springsteen. Disco. 80s. Crazy.

4. I hope her next album is a spin-off of Government Hooker. Specifically, the operatic introduction.

5. Her music videos for this set have been comparatively disappointing. I'm still waiting to find out what happened to Beyonce and GaGa after they drove off at the end of the Telephone video. Aside from some generous scissoring (I hope).

6. I am really hungry right now. Chinese food time.

Alright, that's all folks.

Rating: 4/5 stars. Yep, bet you didn't think I'd be that generous.

TV Review: American Idol Season 10

A few observations:

1. Randy Jackson is not Simon Cowell. I know he thinks he is, but he isn't. For example, Simon can get away with wearing tight t-shirts. Also, Simon infrequently says ridiculous things. "In it to win it" isn't feedback. It could almost be substituted with, "you auditioned for American Idol!" Ugh he's such an asshat. He should be the new spokesperson for Subway Sandwiches.

2. JLO fucking sucks. Not only does she suck for some of her stupid outfits (Chilean miner's wife was a personal favorite), but she says dumb things. Also, of all of the judges, she seems to have the biggest biases.

3. Steven Tyler is alright. Maddeningly positive, but alright. He gets a pass.

4. There's a lot of raw talent this season, but apparently those contestants have no idea how to use it without seeming crazy. See: Jacob Lusk, Casey Abrahms, Haley Reinhart pre-Elton John night, Naima Adedapo, etc

5. Remember all of the drama when Pia got eliminated? Yeah, I can't either. Because I don't think a single person cares about her now that Haley emerged as the season's alpha female.

6. Remember that time that Haley's top 3 elimination turned out to be the most upsetting, even though she made it much further than both Pia and Casey? I do. Boy, I do.

7. Does anybody actually have a strong emotional investment in either of the top 2? I don't care if either of them win.

8. I'm ok with The X Factor and The Voice being my singing shows for the upcoming TV season.

Rating: 2/5 stars, with 1.5 of those stars coming solely from Haley Reinhart.

Movie Review: Bridesmaids

So per my previous post, here's a quick take on Bridesmaids.

1. Everytime I spell the title, I'm somehow shocked the letter "s" appears twice.

2. The movie is fucking hilarious.

3. (spoiler) Someone poops in the street, so I was bound to like this movie no matter what.

4. Cheri Oteri had fewer scenes than I would have liked. Aka zero scenes.

5. Jon Hamm is a skeezeball in the movie. My group left divided on whether or not we would still hit him as that character. I would still hit that.

6. Because of the movie, I've spent a solid 6-8 hours listening to Wilson Phillips on repeat.

7. Related to my earlier point about spelling, spell check doesn't like "everytime." Um, why don't you ask Britney Spears about that word, stupid computer dictionary!

Rating: 4.5/5 Stars. Minus 0.5 for lack of Cheri Oteri.

Riha Reviews Update

Hey friends,

So I know I'm really terrible about updating this. I think I'm going to make an attempt to post more often, but my reviews will be much shorter...sort of like a "quick bite" sort of thing. I feel like I've used the "quick bite" terminology before. I'm inventive.

ANYWAY! Let me know what you think of this!!

-Riha