Alright, I did a recap of an American Idol episode, but I haven't properly reviewed the series. I guess I've been leery of doing that because this batch of contestants suck major moose cock and I didn't want to seem overly negative towards a series I once enjoyed. Well, that ship has sailed. This season of American Idol is like a big pile of elephant diarrhea, if the elephant just finished eating at White Castle.
Aside from the major lack of talent this season, I think Idol has worked really hard in recent years to destroy what once made the show great: the contestants. In the olden days, the singers had a karaoke track and a small stage. Basically, I could have filmed and produced the show in my basement. Stars were made or broken solely on vocal strength and since American Idol is a singing competition, this was great. I tuned in for the songs.
Then something odd happened midway through the series. My current theory is that the producers realized that some of the winners/successful contestants weren't making tons of money as recording artists, and so they decided to manipulate the talent pool so that the most marketable contestant won. THAT'S RIGHT, MANIPULATION. GASP!!!!! Just to make it crystal clear, you are the gentleman in the sign below:
If you aren't able to discern the manipulation, here are a few examples:
1. Anytime a contestant is a new parent, that fact is mentioned at least once an episode.
2. If a contestant has a tragic backstory, then that backstory will be brought up at least once, but could be escalated to Danny Gokey levels of obnoxious reminders. Even if the producers don't explicitly air the backstory reminder, often times it will be done indirectly. For example, one contestant sang "Jesus Take the Wheel" because it had "a lot of meaning to him" and then dressed all in white and looked to Jesus at several points during the song. WE GET IT, SHE DIED. GET OVER IT, GOKEY. Very rarely will a contestant work hard to keep their tragedy personal. David Cook did this very well in season 7, and karma rewarded him with the win. Just sayin'
3. Some contestants, no matter how well they sing, will be thrown under the bus because they're not deemed a worthy winner. For example, Syesha Mercado was never vocally terrible, but damn she couldn't catch a break from the judges to save her life. So finally, she was stuck with a song from the movie Happy Feet during the "producer's choice" round because they wanted her the fuck off the show. Even though I was never a huge Syesha fan, I can appreciate how difficult her Idol journey was.
4. Performance order. David Archuleta sang last on the first major performance night. His song choice sucked, he sounded boring on it, and forgot his words. He definitely didn't deserve to close the show (an honor that should have gone to David Cook or Carly Smithson that evening). Yet, since he was beloved by the producers, he got to do it. Going last has also helped Fantasia Barrino, Adam Lambert, Jordin Sparks, and Carrie Underwood. Yes, these examples are all very talented and perhaps deserved to win, but they producers made it EXTREMELY easy for them by placing them last. That's unfair. Especially since these contestants had most of their best performances when they weren't going last (yes, I know there are some exceptions to this)
Etc. I could go on and on about how this show is evil and the producers are determined to get what they want. In fact this season, I think the producers were so set on Crystal Bowersox winning that they didn't even put anyone else talented in the Top 24. I said it. Name another outstandingly good person. Sure, there were some promising performances from other people, but nothing incredible.
Another gripe is the four judge system. It makes the show more about the pointless criticism than the actual talent. More time is being devoted to the panel, introductions, and guest mentors and therefore less emphasis is placed on singing. In the olden days, they could do a Top 5 show where each contestant sang twice. Now, they don't sing twice until Top 3 night. Plus all of the criticism sounds the same.
Randy:
For me for you, for me, for you dawg, it was just aiight. A bit pitchy in spots, but at other times you did your thing (if he's more enthusiastic, he might call it "da bomb").
Ellen:
Joke. I loved it.
Kara:
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah artistry (although this season she's been better about fewer, and more helpful, blahs).
Simon:
This is the only critique that anybody cares about, and since I've emotionally checked out I won't even put much thought into it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THEY DRIVE ME NUTS! I'm ready for an all new panel. Although I'm not advocating for Paula to come back, I do think she was the best judge last season. Does that make her objectively a good judge? Hell no. She sucked. But she was still better than everyone else. Yes, America, this was the face of reason on American Idol:
Here is my five- step plan to save American Idol
1. Return to the three judge system and eliminate the judge's save. More time can go to singing, and their save does jack shit to alter the eventual winner. Or at least, knock on wood for that being true this season. Plus, the awful goodbye performances on results night will get cut off by the end credits, thank goodness. Since Simon is leaving, I advocate an entirely new panel. My vote: Shania Twain as the new Paula, Elton John as the new Simon, and someone completely different from Randy as the new Randy. Dear God do not pick Jamie Foxx. If you have to keep one judge (from Ellen, Kara, and Randy), I would say Kara. But that's a very weak endorsement.
2. Season 8 might have been one of the most talented seasons in a while. It had a Top 36, with more raw talent to choose from. Coincidence? I think not. I wish the semi-finals would allow the audience to see more contestants sing. If the producers won't increase the quantity of singing, then maybe we can try to increase the quality. Sure, some seasons have good talent with a Top 24, but this method might ensure that we don't have another season 9 shit tank on our hands.
3. I could care less about the guest mentors. Sometimes they're entertaining, but if fewer guest mentors means more singing, then get rid of those mentors. Right now.
4. Naked back-up dancers.
5. I'm on the fence about instruments. At times they're super cool, but at other times they're a crutch for less talented individuals to hobble on to the next week. Therefore, I think the producers should mandate, at the beginning of the competition, that instruments are only to be played on a select number of weeks. This will force instrument players to show off their voices. Someone like Kris Allen or Crystal Bowersox will be fine, because they have the talent, but some tard monkey, like Jason Castro or Casey James, will struggle.
Those are my thoughts. What ideas do you have to improve this poop tower?
Rating (season 9): 1/5 stars. I'm still super addicted, though.
