Album Review: Born This Way

I'll be the first to admit I wanted to use Born This Way to take a dump on GaGa for constantly overstating her musical importance. She might not realize this, but her music isn't the greatest thing to happen in the history of time.

Yet, I can't help but feel consistently entertained by her new album. It would be sort of a bitch move to knock the album for GaGa's 'tude, especially since there aren't any actual tracks on the disc entitled, "THE GREATEST SONG IN HISTORY," or something similar.

So, here are my quick thoughts:

1. Judas is probably the 10th best song on the 14 song set, so I have no idea why the eff she choose it as a single.

2. As much as this CD is full of weird dance pop and references to unicorns (no joke), my favorite track is probably the mid-tempo power ballad, You and I.

3. If asked to summarize the album in four words, I would say: Springsteen. Disco. 80s. Crazy.

4. I hope her next album is a spin-off of Government Hooker. Specifically, the operatic introduction.

5. Her music videos for this set have been comparatively disappointing. I'm still waiting to find out what happened to Beyonce and GaGa after they drove off at the end of the Telephone video. Aside from some generous scissoring (I hope).

6. I am really hungry right now. Chinese food time.

Alright, that's all folks.

Rating: 4/5 stars. Yep, bet you didn't think I'd be that generous.

Single Review: Telephone

Alright, it's time for me to take on Lady Gaga's most recent hit. Now, I'm a bit nervous. Lady Gaga tends to inspire a great deal of blind devotion from her fans, specifically the gay ones. My previous attempts at criticism tended to yield reactions that look like this:

That's Naomi Campbell, by the way.

Anyway, I would like to start this post with a few disclaimers:

1. I like Lady Gaga's music

2. I like Lady Gaga's political leanings

3. I want Lady Gaga to be successful

4. I have no fears and weaknesses, so if you do decide to hunt me down then you're wasting your time.

All that being said, I think Gaga is full of horse doody. I think she makes very good--albeit standard--pop songs that aren't much more special than anything else on the radio. However, when she starts going off on how "she's such an artist" and "everything is so full of meaning" I want to sit her down and fish slap some sense into her. Look at it like this. Pretend it's your birthday and you get this present:

That's pretty awesome looking on the outside AND it's being pulled by a doggie. You're probably super excited because this gift looks really special and creative. You can't wait to open it and see what it's all about!! Then it turns out to be Law & Order on DVD. That's all very pleasant, and you know that you'll like it, but considering all the hype that went into the presentation you expected much more. That's Lady Gaga.

Ok, now you're Lady Gaga and you're about to release the most typical song ever. What do you do? CRAZY FRIGGIN MUSIC VIDEO!!!! Somehow, she managed to take a song about dancing in a club and turn it into a jailbreak/mass murder/sandwich making extravaganza. I actually know someone who sat in the writer's room for the video and this is how they turned Telephone into that music video.

"Club...club sandwich...sandwich...making a sandwich!"

"Phone...foam... Styrofoam...Styrofoam cup...cup...cup of coffee...diner"

"Dance...movement...bowel movement...toilet...toilet bowl...bowl...bowling...bowling alley...alley...back alley...back alley abortion...illegal...crime...criminal...jail...jail dancing"

Etcetera. Now don't get me wrong, I think the video is super fabulous. It just makes no sense and has nothing to do with the song. Even most of Madonna's crazier videos at least thematically related to the song to some degree. Plus she's Madonna and I'm pretty sure criticizing her is illegal in some parts of New York.

Let me be clear. I don't really care if she changes her songs. They're super catchy, fun, and great for dancing. Also, I'm pretty content with the music video. I mean, would you rather have Telephone's video be what it is now, or have something more along the lines of Mariah Carey's I Want to Know What Love Is? MARIAH DOESN'T EVEN MOVE IN THE VIDEO!! SHE JUST STANDS THERE. IN A BASEBALL STADIUM. THAT'S EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN LADY GAGA'S VIDEO. So naturally I'll take Telephone. It's just that I feel like some of her fans are starting to confuse her with another long-haired diva:

(Sorry Gaga

fans for any

confusion

this might

bring)

I can see a difference. Can you?

Rating: 3.5/5 stars