Single Review: Today is Your Day

Shania Twain is back with a new single, y'all! Yee haw!

Or is it? Anyway, this latest effort, albeit autobiographical/inspirational/blah blah etc, is a bit...repetitive. And if you listen to it, tell me if you can resist breaking into the chorus of Bubbly, by Colbie Callat. Surely this effort isn't preceding an album of Come On Over-esque greatness (seriously, that album is timeless), but I anticipate a decent CD. And if there's a track called "Fuggo Bitch Stole My Husband" then even better.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

Single Review: California Gurls

Attention world! Katy Perry is back with her next single, and she's achieved self-congratulatory superstar status!! Her latest single, the obnoxiously misspelled California Gurls, is hitting the airwaves and she wants you to know one thing:

California girls are the hottest. She is a girl from California. Ergo, she is one of the hottest. This song bothers me for several reasons.

1. Katy Perry sort of looks funny. I mean, she's definitely pretty on some level, but I feel like most of it is make-up/stylists. Here's an example. Sure, she looks dolled up in the photo, but if you stare at her face long enough she looks like she's sucking on a lemon.

Anyway, I definitely don't believe that you need to be super gorgeous to be successful in the music industry. I do, however, think you need to be super gorgeous to sing a song saying you're a member of the most elite, sexually desirable women on the planet.

2. Snoop Dogg is brought in as an expert witness. He "testifies" that California girls are the hottest. Listen, that ding dong is so high that I don't think he's qualified to judge anything, let alone female attractiveness. He'd probably get a hummer from Delta Burke and not even care. I don't buy it.

3. I'm sorry. Call me an idiot, but who the hell drinks gin and juice? That's an odd mix. California girls may be beautiful, but that lyric makes them sound ass stupid. Definitely proof that the state is going through an education crisis.

4. I feel disappointed that there's nothing in the song comparing her sexual ability to an earthquake. Really really disappointed.

5. I've actually been to California and the only "California girls" I saw were lesbians and some really sassy gay men. I guess I can't properly judge the accuracy of the song since I didn't go to Southern California, but I'd rather retain my soul so that's fine.

Wow, this review really turned into a rant against Southern California. Sorry. But not really.

Rating: 3/5 stars (what can I say, it's catchy)

Single Review: Can't Be Tamed

Since the dawn of time, women have learned that they can get more attention by turning into big slutbombs. This may come as a surprise, but this trend commonly occurs in the music industry. Madonna did it. Britney did it. Christina did it and then did it a second time. Ke$ha started there. You see my point. Well, it seems that Miley Cyrus is the next in line to "grow up," which is a music-industry synonym with stripping (for ladies because guys don't have to do that to establish legitimacy).

The biggest different between Miley and these other ladies is the fact that she's ONLY SEVENTEEN. Although her music video for Can't Be Tamed is still pending, there's a good chance that I'll go to jail for a sex crime by watching it. Sure, seventeen is legal in most areas. However, it's still super creepy everywhere. I don't care how good the song is, that doesn't eliminate the weird undertone of pedophilia for anyone that's over 21.

Oh, guess what bitches, THAT WAS A SEGUE. The song isn't that good. Normally I'm down with songs being overproduced, but this one is shameless about it. I actually think Miley has a pretty good singing voice, so it sucks that she's masking it with some sort of autotune effect. The writing is pretty shitty also. It sounds like she's either moving towards rap language or she's partially forgotten English. It works on someone like Lil' Wayne but Miley can't quite cut it. Here's a sample:

For those who don't know me I can get to be crazy

Have to get my way ya

Twenty four hours a day

Cause I'm hot like that

Every guy everywhere just gives me mad attention

Like I'm under inspection

Always gets a ten

Cause I'm built like that

I go through guys like money flying out the hands

They try to change me but they realize they can't

And every tomorrow is a day I never plan

If you're gonna be my man understand

I can't be tamed

I can't be tamed

I can't be blamed

I can't can't I can't can't be tamed

Yep, so that's the first part of the song. Essentially, she wants a guy who accepts that she is an untamed megaslut. Guys try to change her (aka make her pull up her panties every now and then) and she freaks out because they're trying to "tame" her. Listen, I'm all for female empowerment and whatnot, but when the message is "I'm so frigging hot I can do whatever I want to guys and not have consequences" then I start to work about twelve year old girls with gonorrhea. This is how I imagine a conversation with a nice guy and untamed Miley.

Guy: Hey Miley, do you want to go on a date tonight?

Miley: WHATEVER, FUCK YOU, I DON'T CARE, SURE.

Guy:...Um ok. So I'll pick you up at eight then. We can go to a nice Italian restaurant.

Miley: HELLZ NO, I ONLY LETS GUYS TAKE ME TO SUSHI, HOLLA, KTHNKX.

Guy: Well, I don't really have the money for sushi. Are you sure you won't give Italian a try?

Miley: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKER HEAD!!!! I CAN'T BE TAMED I CAN'T BE TAMED I CAN'T BE BLAMED YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING LUCKY THAT I'M TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE I'M HOT, I'M A TEN ON MY HOTNESS SELF-ASSESSMENT. JESUS CHRIST IT'S LIKE I'M UNDER INSPECTION. I'M ALL GROWN UP NOW, SO YOU'D BETTER TAKE ME FUCKING SERIOUSLY.

Guy: Alright, I guess another time. PS I can see your vagina in those shorts. You're clearly not grown up yet.

And scene.

So yeah, this is bad. It's like this bad:

Ugh. I'm just going to listen to Xanadu now.

Rating: 1.5/5 stars

UPDATE! After watching the video, the song is growing on me. It's trashy awfulness is becoming endearing. I'd up the rating to 2.5 or 3 stars. I'm sorry I put up the National Treasure 2 poster. But I'm not taking it down because I still think it's funny.

Single Review: Blah Blah Blah

Oh boy. Ke$ha. I don't even know where to start with this human trainwreck. For my readers who prefer NPR, A&E, or French cinema, you probably have no idea who Ke$ha is. You're also not reading this blog because you have class and taste. Anyway, for those reading who don't know what Ke$ha is, this is Ke$ha:

Apparently this classy princess has been enjoying the nice weather at the park. Ke$ha is notorious for making trashy pop about going to the club, getting drunk, and molesting guys. Her whole persona is based on the idea that she wants to flip the trend of objectifying women. In other words, her songs almost always present men as an object--something only necessary for sexual gratification. YES WE KNOW! Women are treated terribly in pop music. I occasionally listen to rap when I'm angry, so I know these things. But I'm not quite sure Ke$ha's approach is going to change society. I was a math major so let me present Ke$ha's logic mathematically.

More objectification > Less objectification

Now that guys are being objectified, the issues associated with objectification will disappear! YES NO MORE SEXISM!

Conversely, Ke$ha might not care about the treatment of women in pop music and just wants to even the playing field. If objectification comes from all angles, then it's not a problem! We're all suffering equally! Although I think this just makes things worse, maybe some of the pop songs I've penned will finally get off the ground. Wait for "You're Just a Penismobile" to hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

Anyway, I've managed to get this far without discussing the song at hand: Blah Blah Blah. I'm not a expert at noticing subtle themes, but I think this song is more or less about Ke$ha getting super drunk at a bar, taking a guy to the jukebox, and doing him nasty as long as he doesn't talk to her. Attention vaginas! This is empowering! You have the power to make really terrible decisions, just like men! Pop some Krystal, take it in a new hole, and perhaps get an STI!! YOUR GENDER IS SAVED, THANKS KE$HA!!

Honestly, I think all of this is moot. I don't think Ke$ha has an agenda aside from making money. To that end, I actually think she's quite brilliant. She's constructed an image that represents the increasingly popular trend of irresponsibility. TFLN, FML, Jeresy Shore, etc...society is getting more and more morally bankrupt. Promiscuity, alcoholism, and violence are increasingly valued and she's capitalizing on all of it. She writes almost all of her songs and therefore knows exactly what she's doing and trying to say. It's genius. As someone who enjoys alcohol and being touched in his swimsuit area, I can relate to a song that encourages me to drink and get touched down thurr. This was the pitch meeting with her label:

Ke$ha: "Oh hay bois, I'm here 2 tell u about my new music ideas" (Yes, she speaks like bad texting).

Exec: "Um, ok well show us what you've got, but I mean that musically because I want you to put your pants back on."

Ke$ha: "Lolzcopter, alright i can dew that. This first song iz about SEXXXX!"

Exec: "Um, you can't even sing...but this 80's arcade game beat is CATCHY!!"

Ke$ha: "ROTFTMVWYW!!! Hahahahahahaha sweet. Wanna get drunk?"

Exec: "If being drunk and high all the time helps me write songs as catchy as this, then sign me up!"

And scene. Out of fairness, I've decided to include a real picture of Ke$ha for comparison. Tell me this doesn't give you deja vu.

I don't even know. Her songs are catchy, but she's super untalented and is a big skank. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

Single Review: Telephone

Alright, it's time for me to take on Lady Gaga's most recent hit. Now, I'm a bit nervous. Lady Gaga tends to inspire a great deal of blind devotion from her fans, specifically the gay ones. My previous attempts at criticism tended to yield reactions that look like this:

That's Naomi Campbell, by the way.

Anyway, I would like to start this post with a few disclaimers:

1. I like Lady Gaga's music

2. I like Lady Gaga's political leanings

3. I want Lady Gaga to be successful

4. I have no fears and weaknesses, so if you do decide to hunt me down then you're wasting your time.

All that being said, I think Gaga is full of horse doody. I think she makes very good--albeit standard--pop songs that aren't much more special than anything else on the radio. However, when she starts going off on how "she's such an artist" and "everything is so full of meaning" I want to sit her down and fish slap some sense into her. Look at it like this. Pretend it's your birthday and you get this present:

That's pretty awesome looking on the outside AND it's being pulled by a doggie. You're probably super excited because this gift looks really special and creative. You can't wait to open it and see what it's all about!! Then it turns out to be Law & Order on DVD. That's all very pleasant, and you know that you'll like it, but considering all the hype that went into the presentation you expected much more. That's Lady Gaga.

Ok, now you're Lady Gaga and you're about to release the most typical song ever. What do you do? CRAZY FRIGGIN MUSIC VIDEO!!!! Somehow, she managed to take a song about dancing in a club and turn it into a jailbreak/mass murder/sandwich making extravaganza. I actually know someone who sat in the writer's room for the video and this is how they turned Telephone into that music video.

"Club...club sandwich...sandwich...making a sandwich!"

"Phone...foam... Styrofoam...Styrofoam cup...cup...cup of coffee...diner"

"Dance...movement...bowel movement...toilet...toilet bowl...bowl...bowling...bowling alley...alley...back alley...back alley abortion...illegal...crime...criminal...jail...jail dancing"

Etcetera. Now don't get me wrong, I think the video is super fabulous. It just makes no sense and has nothing to do with the song. Even most of Madonna's crazier videos at least thematically related to the song to some degree. Plus she's Madonna and I'm pretty sure criticizing her is illegal in some parts of New York.

Let me be clear. I don't really care if she changes her songs. They're super catchy, fun, and great for dancing. Also, I'm pretty content with the music video. I mean, would you rather have Telephone's video be what it is now, or have something more along the lines of Mariah Carey's I Want to Know What Love Is? MARIAH DOESN'T EVEN MOVE IN THE VIDEO!! SHE JUST STANDS THERE. IN A BASEBALL STADIUM. THAT'S EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN LADY GAGA'S VIDEO. So naturally I'll take Telephone. It's just that I feel like some of her fans are starting to confuse her with another long-haired diva:

(Sorry Gaga

fans for any

confusion

this might

bring)

I can see a difference. Can you?

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Single Review: Parachute

For the uninitiated, Parachute is a song from Cheryl Cole's debut album, 3 Words. Now, I'm guessing almost none of you have heard this song. Those of you who know Cheryl either know her as the pretty judge on the UK X Factor or as the pretty lady on Perez Hilton who should divorce her husband that has a girly name. Heh heh, his name is Ashley.

I've chosen this song to make an important point about metaphors. Here are a few lyrics from the song:

"Baby if I got you I don't need a parachute" and then "you're gonna catch me, you're gonna catch if I fall."

If you want to hear the whole song, check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rr8nqaCw8Ic

I'm pretty sure she's lip syncing, so it's practically the same as the studio version.

I think what she's trying to say is obvious, but she's chosen a terrible example. If you want to be obvious, don't try to get clever. Look at this dude:

It doesn't get much clearer than that.

I don't know if Cheryl Cole has ever used a parachute, but it doesn't stop you from falling. It only slows your inevitable fall. So according to her, being single=parachute to stop fall. Being in a relationship=manchute to stop fall. Yet neither stop a fall, so falling isn't what's bothering Cheryl.

Therefore, I must conclude that she is only looking for something to cushion the fall, because she's going to fall no matter what. News flash. If you don't have a parachute, you're just going to fall harder. This poor dude is going to try and catch a falling Cheryl, who doesn't have a parachute. She's going to kill him, obviously depending on the height of her jump. Clearly if she jumps from like ten feet, both the guy and the parachute are moot. Now, if this guy is latched onto her back, manchute-style, then they're both screwed.

Some of you might be thinking, "Riha. He's stopping a 'metaphorical fall.' Aka, he's there for her when things get tough." To which I would agree, he could be stopping a metaphorical fall. But, then you have to investigate the concept of a metaphorical parachute to complete the comparison. I don't even know how to make sense of that. I did a Google image search of "metaphorical parachute" and this is what came up first:

It's someone touching a dog's butt. I rest my case.

So, I think the most logical way to make this metaphor is as follows:

"Baby if I got you, you'll catch me in my parachute." She wears the parachute to prevent mutual death, but she's got a guy who will catch her. It's not perfect, but it's an improvement.

I've taken the liberty of writing some song lyrics with metaphors that make a lot of sense to me. If any budding songwriters come across this site, please feel free to contact me so we can negotiate the royalties for these inevitable hits.

"Boy you're like a face wash, you splash away my life dirt."

"An individual is who I is, don't treat me like no bowling pin."

"I'm so so happy as of late, like eating a whole bacon plate!"

"My blender rocks and shakes awkwardly and usually goes more quickly than I thought, just like our sex times."

PS Parachute, despite my issues, is catchy as shit. That's all that really matters.

Rating: 4/5 stars.

Single Review: Not Myself Tonight

Christina Aguilera is back with a new single, which I will attempt to analyze. This will be done principally through two highly scientific methods:

1. I will play the song and write down my thoughts as they happen

2. I will make sense of those thoughts

Writing the thoughts:

-This instantly sounds super super gay

-I thought she already did Dirrty?

-Oh wait, Dirrty had a melody. I dunno what this is.

-Ohhh she said the f-word. Edgy.

-I'm bored. Do I have enough ham for a sandwich?

-F-word again. My apartment has a flag in it. Our windows are open. This song is lame.

-Musical interlude. Spoken interlude. Moaning interlude?

-The song has no ending

Ok, that's it! Time to do some intense analysis on these thoughts. Conclusion:

This song sucks. I can't even remember the tune anymore. I doubt even Ciara would record this track, and she is desperate. I'm pretty sure a record executive went to Ciara, said "Hey, will you record this track?" and she reacted like this:

PS Ciara is looking really good in this photo.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Single Review: Russian Roulette

Single Review: Russian Roulette

Rihanna’s new single was, sadly, met with apathy. As a Rihanna fan, I understand her fans’ disappointment. They expected something catchy and danceable in the vein of Disturbia, SOS, or Umbrella. Instead, Rihanna’s upcoming CD is being preceded by a barely midtempo song with some of the most depressing and intense lyrics ever recorded. This song has little hope of commercial viability. It would be a buzz-kill in a club or on the radio. The references to domestic violence are so thinly veiled that only a real idiot wouldn’t pick up on the allusion. Perhaps the pure emotion of the track will grab listeners, but this choice of single was a huge gamble. And yet, I love it. There’s a genius to this song that I will do my best to sort out here.

When it comes to the subject of domestic violence, I find this song can be seen as a bit of a paradox. I applaud Rihanna for releasing a song that so clearly evidences the emotions of being trapped in an abusive relationship. The interplay between her fear and her determination to complete this “terrible game” completely ties to what I understand are common emotions of women in abusive relationships. I feel both her desperate desire to escape and simultaneous unwillingness to do so. Yet, I can see how some would argue that this doesn’t quite send the right message to women in a similar situation. In the song, Rihanna chooses to play Russian roulette. She doesn’t walk away.

However, the gunshot in the final seconds shows how Rihanna is destroyed at the hands of the game. Although she emotionally cannot escape, it’s clear at the end of the song that she should have left while she could. I think this song will emotionally resonate with many people and hopefully those individuals will correlate staying with someone physically and emotionally abusive to playing with a loaded gun. In the song, Rihanna chooses the more common path—the path destined for tragedy. She makes her decisions based off of the same emotions that the abused men and women experience. Anyone who saw the picture of her post-beating knows where her path ended. Hopefully Russian Roulette makes the abused see a little more clearly how important it is to leave an unhealthy relationship. Thank God Rihanna had the courage to pick this song.

Rating: 5/5 stars

Single Review: Bad Boys

A wise man once said, "Flo Rida. Why does everything you touch turn to gold?" Well, I'm not quite sure how long Mr. Rida's Midas Touch will last, but it's in full effect on Bad Boys, the debut single from Alexandra Burke. Alexandra is the most recent winner of the X Factor and is being pimped as the next Leona Lewis. In other words, Simon Cowell and company are pushing her like the rent's due tomorrow. Luckily for them, I think she'll deliver.

Alexandra has an incredible voice. On the show, she tackled epic ballads ranging from You Are So Beautiful to Hallelujah, her winning single. On Bad Boys, she's basically flipped the bird to her trademark and just wants to make people dance. I would take issue with that if this track weren't so damn catchy. The chorus is incredibly infectious, the beat is irresistible, and in spite of (or perhaps due to)the lack of showboating, Alexandra does sounds great.

There isn't much to say lyrically. Alexandra is attracted to bad boys and isn't afraid of danger. Although the subject matter doesn't seem unique, it is exciting to see the X Factor songstress recast herself as a dangerous dancehall diva. I have extremely high hopes for her debut CD and this single is a large part of that. Will she adhere to this dangerous image? Will she return to her ballad roots? Will Flo Rida ever stop making hits? Only time will tell.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Single Review: Happy

Requester: JLE

Well, this is quite the time to be a diva fan. Whitney Houston has just released a studio album, Mariah is dropping one in a couple of weeks, and VH1 is finally resurrecting its once beloved Divas Live special. This year, the program features Leona Lewis, one of the newest pop sensations from the UK. Although I don't think she's quite earned her "diva" moniker, her latest release suggests she is well on her way to that title. Happy is a goliath of a power ballad, written and produced by Ryan Tedder. Anyone surprised by this fact hasn't been listening to the radio, because he's all over the place.

Enough about Tedder, though. Let's focus on this track. Happy is perhaps the most poorly named song I've ever heard, because the track is anything but. It's a desperate cry for satisfaction, no matter the cost, from a woman who seems to have been recently wronged. Or maybe she's unhappy with her safe lifestyle. Either way, the core message seems to be, "love is a risk and sometimes it hurts." Maybe Nazareth should be getting royalties. Anyway, given our current pop landscape, Happy does take a unique lyrical approach to a cliched subject.

Leona sounds fantastic on the track. Diva fans may be dismayed at the fact that some legendary voices are falling into disrepair. Not the case with Leona. Her pristine tone is as pure and angelic as ever, making her one of the most talented singers in the game. No complaints here. My only worry is that this song is nowhere near as fresh as Bleeding Love, which is one of the best pop songs of the decade (that list is on the docket). That being said, I do have high hopes for Happy. Nevertheless, the cynic in me thinks that it's not unique enough to be the hit that Perez Hilton claims it will be. After all, Leona isn't a diva just quite yet.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Single Review: We Are Golden

Requester: ALR

Thank God for ALR, because he keeps me in business. Here we have the latest from Mika, the half-Lebanese pop sensation. We Are Golden is the lead single from his upcoming release, The Boy Who Knew Too Much, and it seems to be a promising indication of the quality of Mika's sophomore disc. Incredibly catchy, We Are Golden employs electric guitar, smashing drums, a children's chorus, liberal falsetto, and his best chorus since Grace Kelly.

However, the same problem that plagued Mika's debut also permeates this track. Mika has always been one to favor style over substance. Perhaps We Are Golden is a metaphor that escapes me, but I've listened to this song several times and I still don't have a good sense of what it's about aside from, "people are better than they might appear." On his debut, the two tracks that came closest to striking an emotional chord (Billy Brown and Happy Ending) both undercut themselves in their final moments. Especially Happy Ending, which I found to be the most melodic and well-written song on his debut, hurt itself by underlining its sad message with a jaunty "little bit of love" finale. Sometimes I feel like Mika cannot resist being catchy at the cost of finding some real emotion.

In all fairness, I do think that there's more to this track that first appears. It seems like it's about a young Mika overcoming ridicule. I've always suspected Mika of being gay (fingers crossed) and this track could be a veiled allusion to his upbringing. If that's the case, then this song comes the closest he's ever been to connection style and lyrics. But, I feel like projecting my desired theme gives the track more credit that it deserves. Based on what I hear, it's typical Mika. All style. Little substance.

Rating 3/5

Single Review: Million Dollar Bill

Requester: The all powerful and generally idiotic Clive Davis. AKA nobody. Just this guy again.

Well, Whitney has an official single once again. Apparently I Didn’t Know My Own Strength is not the lead single from her upcoming release, I Look to You. THANK GOD! The good news here is that her official single, Million Dollar Bill, is considerably better than that strength cliché song. It has the potential to succeed on the radio. Also, restores my once shattered faith in her next CD. The bad news is that it’s not nearly as perfect as I would have hoped. I think expectations were dauntingly high, but with a seven year hiatus, one would think that something a little more substantial would come out of the Houston hits factory.

I think the best part is that her voice, albeit not as technically stunning as it used to be, finally has something she originally lacked: soul. Her singing is full of grit and character and I feel much more connected to her voice than I ever have before. Granted, she can’t hold notes quite as long, nor is her tone as strikingly pristine as it used to be, but I think the pros outweigh the cons. Furthermore, she’s still one of the best singers in popular music.

The flip side is that the song is sort of ordinary. I do think the chorus is incredibly catchy, but the verses and the bridge are unmemorable. Also, the song feels very short. Perhaps it’s a compliment to say it felt like it ended too soon, but in this case I feel like the writer’s just got lazy.

Overall, I recommend the song. It’s fun, upbeat, and is unmistakably Whitney. However, with seven years to work, she could have really knocked it out of the park.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Single Review: She Wolf/Loba

Requester: Riha.

When we last heard from Shakira, she was shaking her assets with Wyclef Jean on the smash hit single, Hips Don't Lie. To date, that song remains the only song of her's where I prefer the English version to the Spanish rendition. Granted, I've never heard that song in Spanish, but you shouldn't let that detract from the compliment. Now Shakira is on the prowl with her latest single, She Wolf. For the purposes of this review, I will refer to the song as "She Wolf" unless I am specifically comparing the English and Spanish version, at which point i will use "Loba" to refer to the song en español. Take a guess which one I like better.

My initial reaction to the song was disappointment. To me, I expect Shakira to deliver strong vocals and attitude on all of her songs. Whether it's the dancehall vibe of Hips Don't Lie or the sultry fire of Objection (Tango), Shakira is best described by her strong personality. With She Wolf, Shakira is presenting an entirely new side to her vocals and sound. So my original disappointment resulted from my unmet expectations. However, it's not fair to review a song by how well it meets your preconceptions. Further listens made me realize: This may not be the Shakira I know, but this is a Shakira I could love. She Wolf is awesome.

First and foremost, this song sounds like nothing else on the Top 40. It's a bit jarring at first. The new wave guitar line and odd lyrics about lycanthropy and moon references make this song seem like an strange creation--sort of Blondie meets auto-tune. However, it all works. It may not demand your presence on the dance floor like Hips Don't Lie, but it does something more substantial: It creates an effect. Listening to the song, you almost feel moonlight washing over you. She Wolf has an almost dream-like quality...something that pairs with the magical realism of the song quite well.

If you struggle read or don't notice sarcasm, you may have failed to notice my preference for Loba over She Wolf. The lyrics are much more poetic. I cannot properly convey this to those who don't speak Spanish, but I will try with the chorus serving as an example. "There's a she wolf in the closet/Open up and set her free/There's a she wolf in your closet/Let it out so it can breathe" versus "Una loba en el armario/Tiene ganas de salir/Deja que se coma el barrio/Antes de irte a dormir." As you can see, there's some obvious repetition in the English version which doesn't exist in the Spanish version. The chorus in Loba takes the opportunity to create an image of this she wolf tearing up the town. The Spanish lyrics more strongly capture the wild and untamed nature of the loba. This is sadly lost in translation.

That being said, both versions are very enjoyable. I have high hopes for Shakira's upcoming release, even if it does not sound like the Shakira I already know and I love. However, I'm happy to have a new Shakira sneak up on me. Sigilosa al pasar, no?

Rating: She Wolf 3.5/5 stars. Loba 4/5 stars (A rating I admittedly have been giving quite frequently. I NEED MORE SUGGESTIONS! I need to review more music I do not like).

Single Review: Zero

Requester: CS

Every year, I like to release a list of my Top 10 Singles of the year.  In the past, it's generally been the ten pop songs that I like the most.  The list shrugs off objectivity to serve as an expression of my personal favorites.  Admittedly, it's self-indulgent and I think very few people actually care which singles I choose for my list.  This year, I'm hoping to expand my horizons and create a list that I'm proud of because of its range and attempt at objectivity.  That's part of the purpose of this blog.  I review what other people tell me to, so I can find albums and songs I wouldn't normally discover by myself.  Well, this quest has led me to a glorious song:  Zero, by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

I'll be the first to admit that most of the lyrics are deeper than I care to think about.  "Shake it, like a ladder to the sun."  What does that even mean?  I don't think it really matters, because the song's layering and overall message make it for a very entertaining four minutes.  Although parts of the verses are cryptic, the song's point becomes abundantly clear during the chorus: "You're a zero/What's your name/No one's gonna ask you/Better find out where they want you to go."  Lead singer Karen O is clearly fed up with someone, and she's not holding back. 

I think the song's message and tone are very effectively matched by the instrumentation and build of the track.  The song opens with a minimalistic, pulsating beat that pushes the track forward without overriding the vocals.  Then, new instruments are added.  The intensity increases.  Karen O pushes the vocals harder and rougher.  The volume increases.  Karen O begins to wail.  At no point does she push to hard, but she matches the crescendo her band is creating.  Throughout this the lyrics repeat, with more and more anguish and frustration.  If I were this "zero," I'd back off.  Karen O is pissed.

To that end, I think Zero really succeeds as a single.  I can see people singing it in a car, dancing to it in a club, or just listening to it as they vent their frustration along with Karen O.  I know that there have been a few boys that deserve some of my rage.  Thankfully Zero is my release.  Instead of screaming at them, I scream with Karen O.  They're all zeros. 

Rating: 4/5 stars

Single Review: Boom Boom Pow

Requester: LK

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I open myself up to recommendations from my peers in order to broaden my horizons, and someone suggests something as ridiculous as Boom Boom Pow. To me, asking for a Boom Boom Pow review is analogous to a student asking a teacher a question the teacher doesn’t know the answer to—something the student knows before asking the question. The goal isn’t to learn from the question. The goal is to watch the teacher squirm as he or she fumbles in front of everyone. I suspect this request was made to chuckle at my serious treatment of Boom Boom Pow.

Well, that being said, I’m going to do my best to analyze this track. This song is an exercise in extremes. The lyrics are so meaningless and empty that there’s literally no emotion tied to this song. However, the beat and production on this track are so futuristic and creative that the lyrics almost don’t matter. It’s as if the words in Boom Boom Pow only serve to prevent the song from being solely instrumental. Although the lyrics are nonsensical, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some clever turns of phrase. I particularly enjoy, “I’m so 3008, you’re so 2000 and late.”

Boom Boom Pow’s real power comes from its beat—an eclectic, occasionally sparse, maddeningly danceable creation from Will.i.am. No matter how shallow one might think this track is, it’s very difficult not to find a way to dance to it. I think that speaks well to the Black Eyed Peas’ craftsmanship. They’ve been very candid, especially Will, when describing The E.N.D. It’s not an album. It’s a compilation of singles. They would like nothing more than for us to download our favorite tracks and get funky. To that end, Boom Boom Pow is a success. The Peas only wanted to create a fun single that would be successful on the charts. Needless to say, they’ve dramatically succeeded. After all, Boom Boom Pow is pretty 3008.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Single Review: Dead Flowers

Sometimes a great song does not make a great single, as evidenced by Miranda Lambert’s newest release, Dead Flowers. For the purpose of this blog, I will try to limit my observations to a song’s quality and not let its radio accessibility interfere with my judgment. However, I do have to point out that despite this track’s greatness, I doubt it will have a great deal of Top 40 success. That strikes me as sad, because Miranda Lambert is one of the most vibrant and interesting country artists in the business today. If this song is any indication, she’s forsaken commercial viability for artistic integrity and if a lead single is designed to generate enthusiasm for an upcoming album, Lambert has definitely done her part with Dead Flowers.

Now, let me try to back up my sweeping generalizations with some examples from the song. Lambert is one of the most gifted songwriters in the industry right now. On Dead Flowers, she has taken the concept of a dying relationship and tied it into some of the most vivid imagery I’ve heard on a song this year. “I feel like the flowers in this vase/He just brought ‘em home one day, ain’t they beautiful he said/They’ve been here in the kitchen and the water’s turning gray/They’re sitting in the vase, but now they’re dead/Dead flowers.” As the song continues, Lambert throws in more examples: Worn out tires, Christmas lights in January, and the recurring theme of dead flowers. Although they might not be what one would think of to analogize a failed love, Lambert’s deceptively simple use of language makes the connection.

Aside from her lyrics, Lambert’s singing is extraordinary. She doesn’t have the most polished voice. She can’t belt like Carrie Underwood. She doesn’t have the range of Martina McBride. What she does have, however, is the uncanny ability to infuse all of her vocal performances with an honesty and emotion appropriate for her material. On Dead Flowers, she almost deadpans a good deal of the song, to highligh how resigned she is to her relationship’s deterioration. The only sort of emotion erupts at the end, when she cries, “I’m living in a hurricane/All he can say is man, ain’t it such a nice day.” Now, I have to comment on why this song will not be a success on pop radio. Although it crescendos, it never reaches the emotional release that one would expect. It’s as if the track leaves you hanging at the end, without a clear sense of resolution. This might frustrate country radio, where most songs tell succinct stories, but given the song’s subject matter it’s a perfect musical representation of a relationship that is dying but will not end. As much as I want Lambert to charge into the spotlight, I’d rather have her artistic integrity intact. Mission accomplished.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Single Review: Battlefield

I wouldn't be a very good American Idol fan if I didn't review the latest single from one of my favorite winners, Jordin Sparks. On July 21st, the pop ingenue is dropping her sophomore CD, Battlefield. Based on the strength of her lead single (using the wildly original title, Battlefield), I have high hopes for this disc.

Let's get the bad out of the way right now. The lyrics aren't all that special. She analogizes love with a battlefield and I bet most people can think of at least one other song that makes that comparison. Cough. That being said, I am partial to the line, "Better go and get your armor." I think that's a turn of phrase that doesn't make me immediately recall other pop songs. Perhaps from the 80s. From a former opera singer. Am I being obvious enough? Nevertheless, the Pat Benatar (I couldn't keep it in anymore!) rip-off loses a few points in my book.

The good? There are two things I really enjoy about this track. First of all, I've always enjoyed the way that Jordin's songs use unusual or atypical instrumentations. From the weird cries in Freeze to the odd beats in See My Side, Jordin isn't afraid to experiment with different sounds. Thankfully, she hasn't lost that creative spark (shameless name pun, sorry) with Battlefield. The opening drum march with the sonar beep are a bit unsettling at first, but later effectively blend into the track.

The other aspect I love is the song's crescendo. It builds and builds until there's an outstanding middle eight where she bellows, "WHY DOES LOVE ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A BATTLEFIELD" and the backing track drops out and we're left with these odd sliding sounds. The overall effect is extremely dramatic and well-executed by her producers.

Hopefully this song will continue to climb the charts. Unfortunately, it's stalled around #30 on the Hot 100 but I'm optimistic it can continue its march (battle pun?) to the top.

Sorry for all of the lame jokes in this one. It's late.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Single Review: Obsessed

To be honest, I was surprised when I heard Mariah Carey was releasing another album. My last memories of Ms. Carey involve her stubbornly refusing to promote the divine I Stay in Love so she could galavant around the globe with her husband/jailbait. Not that I was bitter about that song's lack of success or something.

Well, that's in the past. Mariah is back, allegedly not pregnant, and releasing a new album. Her lead single, Obsessed, should be comforting for fans of R&B Mariah and disappointing for fans of "I can actually sing" Mariah. It's in the same vein as many of the songs on her most recent discs, The Emancipation of Mimi and E=MC^2. There's a nice groove and her voice glides through the track without expending a great deal of effort. Although I find the track pleasant to listen to, it doesn't jump out as anything particularly new or exciting from Mariah. I suppose the horse isn't dead yet, no matter how much she beats it.

That being said, I smirk at the thought that the song is geared towards Eminem. The lyrics, to me, are the one thing that raise this single above R&B Mariah's other songs (provided the Eminem references are true). If the allusions to Slim Shady are false, then the song comes across as a bit self-indulgent and arrogant. However, I choose to believe in Mariah's spiteful side. Besides, if someone lied and said they peed on me, I would fight back. I think that's what Mariah is doing

Rating: 2.5/5 stars.

Single Review: I Didn't Know My Own Strength

Well, Whitney Houston is off the crack-pipe and back in business. On September 1st, the pop diva will release I Look to You, her first full-length studio album in six years. This definitely one of the most anticipated comebacks in recent history, so the pressure is on for the former Mrs. Bobby Brown.

The good news: Her voice, albeit raspy, sounds strong and soulful on I Didn't Know My Own Strength, the first single from her upcoming release.

The bad news: The song is bland and weighed downed by pop cliches. Diane Warren has penned an underwhelming debut for Ms. Houston and I cannot imagine this song taking her to the top of the charts, pending an promotional overhaul from her record label and Clive Davis. The most disappointing aspect of the track is the weakness of the chorus. Give the song a listen, wait fifteen minutes, and call me on the phone. I'll ask you to sing the chorus. You'll struggle. It's that simple.

The track could be really spectacular if it delved into the dark times Whitney has gone through with some specificity. Instead of just saying, "I got through all the pain," "survived my darkest hour," etc., which are vague descriptions at best, she could really let loose regarding her failed marriage or drug problems. Unfortunately, pandering to pop radio restricts those themes, which is a shame.

I'm pulling for you, Whitney. I want your album to be a hit. However, if this is the best you can come up with, then perhaps your "darkest hour" is still on the horizon.

Rating: 2/5 stars, based solely on her voice