TV Review: X Factor

I pretty much start every post with an apology about a delay in posting. At this point it's just sad to think that :

1. I'll ever be able to post as much as I did when I worked for my university.
2. I'm deluding myself into thinking I feel bad about this. Ok, maybe a little bad. Wait, no. That was the delusion again.

So anyway, given my affinity for reality television, washed up has-beens making a comeback, talentless assholes being given more credit than they deserve, and chair dancing, I decided to watch the X Factor. And I knew I was going to get what I want just from the judging panel. PS if it weren't clear, Nicole is the asshole. More on that waste of human garbage in a second.

The premise of the show is simple. American Idol+Performance Production Value+Judge Mentorship-Hosting Ability-Age restrictions=X Factor. Contestants perform each week with guidance from one of the judges, the public votes, and then the bottom two sing for their lives and the judges decide who goes home. The decision regarding who to send home is usually based on wildly inconsistent criteria. Frequently vocal talent isn't part of the criteria.

Let's recap who the judges are:

SIMON COWELL

Brit extraordinaire. Known for harsh judgments, v-neck shirts, and man boobs. He's on the far left I think.

LA REID

Music mogel, famous for chair dancing and harshness. A black, more qualified (has actually put famous people on the map like Mariah Carey, TLC, Rihanna, etc) Simon Cowell. LA is in this picture somewhere.

PAULA ABDUL

Here's a picture of Paula and her fiance.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER

Nicole is actually such a non-star I don't really know what she looks like. I decided to post one of those "time lapsed" pictures. This is what Nicole will look like 20 months from now.

So anyway, this show is all about spectacle. People perform songs with somewhere from four to eight back up dancers, while a laser light show takes place and giant images of nonsensical items (houses, gates, clouds, butterflies) appear in the background. Then the host, Steve Jones, says something really fucking awkward. But you forgive it because he's hot. So so awkward. But so fine.

So yes, it's another reality show. Normally I would rank the remaining contestants, but I don't care anymore so I won't.

Rating: Depends on mood. Ranges from 4/5 stars to negative 7 out of 5 stars.

TV Review: 2 Broke Girls

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy world,

So it's been a little while since I posted here...life has gotten pretty hectic at work, more than I ever could have imagined. Since my new roommate has had some issues with weirdos stalking her blog and bringing it up to her in real life, I won't use this as an opportunity to vent about the ONE thing that is making work incredibly miserable. But I can pinpoint it. Believe me. I can.

Anywho, before this turns "ahhhhh my feelings" on you, faithful reader (singular), I'm going to jump into a quick review of a new tv show (and I'm going to work my way through the other new shows I watch, slowly but surely).

2 Broke Girls stars someone who I thought (at first) played Janis Ian from Mean Girls (but didn't) and some preppy chick I've never seen before. They play waitresses forced to live together by circumstance who come from different worlds. Yes, that last sentence was probably the first sentence of the pitch to CBS, nbd. It's littered with sex humor, which is surprising given that the average CBS viewer lived through the Great Depression. Anyway, these two characters are a classic odd couple, with Janis being the sarcastic one that hates the world, and whats-her-name is the more positive, spoiled counterpoint. They're trying to raise money for a bakery. That plotline comes up infrequently.

As of right now, they are really the only two characters. The show also features some pretty racially stereotypical portrayals of an Asian guy and black guy, which is surprisingly backwards of the show. Is it backward or backwards? I dunno. Grammar. But yeah, it's kinda racist. Not enough to offend me though, because I am an average-to-just-plain-bad person. I've made peace with it.

Nevertheless, the two stars are endearing and even though the show seems to be trying too hard for a punchline every 30 seconds, the chemistry between the lead ladies holds it together.

Worth watching. At least for a few episodes. Did I mention that there's a horse? Because there is. This may seem random and tangental to this blog post, but the horse is random and tangental to the show. So it works.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

TV Review: American Idol Season 10

A few observations:

1. Randy Jackson is not Simon Cowell. I know he thinks he is, but he isn't. For example, Simon can get away with wearing tight t-shirts. Also, Simon infrequently says ridiculous things. "In it to win it" isn't feedback. It could almost be substituted with, "you auditioned for American Idol!" Ugh he's such an asshat. He should be the new spokesperson for Subway Sandwiches.

2. JLO fucking sucks. Not only does she suck for some of her stupid outfits (Chilean miner's wife was a personal favorite), but she says dumb things. Also, of all of the judges, she seems to have the biggest biases.

3. Steven Tyler is alright. Maddeningly positive, but alright. He gets a pass.

4. There's a lot of raw talent this season, but apparently those contestants have no idea how to use it without seeming crazy. See: Jacob Lusk, Casey Abrahms, Haley Reinhart pre-Elton John night, Naima Adedapo, etc

5. Remember all of the drama when Pia got eliminated? Yeah, I can't either. Because I don't think a single person cares about her now that Haley emerged as the season's alpha female.

6. Remember that time that Haley's top 3 elimination turned out to be the most upsetting, even though she made it much further than both Pia and Casey? I do. Boy, I do.

7. Does anybody actually have a strong emotional investment in either of the top 2? I don't care if either of them win.

8. I'm ok with The X Factor and The Voice being my singing shows for the upcoming TV season.

Rating: 2/5 stars, with 1.5 of those stars coming solely from Haley Reinhart.

TV Review: Primetime Emmy Nominations

HEY EVERYONE, I LIVEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Ok, so I've been gone for way too long. However, I'm now settledish into my NYC storage closet, so I'm ready to rock the blog. Today is a friend's birthday, so I'm going to work extra hard to make this crude and offensive. Crusty cow vagina. See, definitely off to a strong start because vulgarity really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I also anticipate high levels of anger/snark in this post for the following reasons:

1. I'm on hold with an electric company and it's been this way for about 2o minutes. This sucks. DON'T TURN OFF YOUR PILOT LIGHT. That's that I'm being told over and over and over and over.

2. There's a party in my building, which makes sense if you have like only three friends given the average apartment size here. Anyway, they're blasting their music and Love Lockdown is playing, which perhaps has the most repetitive beat ever. Sure, the song will change, but the annoyingly overbearing music will stay constant. If these people weren't already super super cool enough, just know they started partying at like 9pm. EST. Which is pretty much the same as starting at 5pm CST.

3. LIVING IN NYC IS EXPENSIVE AND IM HUNGRYYYYYYYYYY

4. I have a lot of thoughts on these Emmy nominations, which include a good deal of anger.

Nasty smelly baby diaper turds. This is my birthday song. On another note, I am already super tired from a United Airlines incident last night. Ergo, I probably won't edit this until tomorrow for typos. Apologies in advance for misspelling wordsqz.

Ok, so I'm going to take the biggest categories and and list the nominees, describe what pleases me about the category, and then mention what I think is wrong with the given situation. Let's do this.

I'm going to do the drama categories first because I care less about them. I'll work my way to the good ones.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series (capitalization taken from Emmy press release)

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Michael C. Hall, Dexter

Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights

Hugh Laurie, House

Matthew Fox, Lost

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Ok this category is super boring for me with one exception. I don't watch a lot of these shows, so I can't say much about Hamm, Hall, Laurie, or Cranston (except that he shares the name of Kenneth's alter ego on 30 Rock, so he gets bonus points).

I don't really think Fox deservers to be here. Even though his character goes through some crazy changes, he still manages to stay super one note. He's probably here because he's started crying more and because Lost is ending.

OMG THE ELECTRIC COMPANY HUNG UP ON ME AFTER 30 MINUTES ON HOLD, EFFFFFFF YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!

The exception I mentioned is Kyle Chandler. If you read this blog regularly, you know I have a big, veiny boner for Friday Night Lights. Chandler is great and totally deserves this nod. I'm really happy about this, much like this charming fellow:

How fun! What a wonderful life he lives.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

Glenn Close, Damages

Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: The Sex Gone Wrong One

January Jones, Mad Men

Ok, I feel a little better about this category as far as my own personal knowledge goes. Like before, I'm farting rainbows about the presence of Friday Night Lights. Britton plays my absolute favorite character and if she doesn't win, I'm going to kick a baby stroller. Probably an empty one because she likely won't win.

I'm happy about The Good Wife, Margulies is great. I'm over Hargitay. Couldn't give two shits about the rest, but I definitely give the least shits about the SVU presence here. Or should that read fewest shits? I think fewest.

Sorry, Calista Flockhart. Your super manipulative cancer storyline in Brothers and Sisters couldn't help you here.

Outstanding Drama Series

Breaking Bad

Dexter

The Good Wife

Lost

Mad Men

True Blood

Well, this just reinforces how generally boring the drama nominees are this year. Yes, I'm happy for a few here (The Good Wife, most notably). However, I don't really have much to say. Like, the only thing missing is Friday Night Lights. BONER. Still. I'm neither surprised nor super disappointed with this batch. Wow, this post is getting boring quickly.

Crisis temporarily averted.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

Matthew Morrison, Glee

Tony Shalhoub, Monk

Steve Carell, The Office

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Ok, this seems like a legit group. OH WAIT, FOOLED YOU. WHAT THE FUCK, EMMY'S? WHAT. THE. FUCK. MATTHEW MORRISON?!?!? REALLY?!?!?!?!!?!

This requires a conversation

Emmy Rules Committee: Ok, let's talk about the changes to Lead Comedy Actor category.

Voice of Reason: Yeah, these are fucking stupid.

ERC: I have no idea what you mean, these were really well thought out.

VR: Well, apparently you've created an exception for performances that are rarely funny, super one-note, douchey, inconsistent, and coast by with tears

ERC: Crying is emotional! It shows serious acting!!

VR: THIS. IS. THE. MOTHER. FUCKING. COMEDY. CATEGORY. THE. FUNNIEST. PERFORMANCE. SHOULD. WIN. COMEDY. CATEGORY. COM.ED.YYYY. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT?!?

ERC: OMG a new issue of US Weekly is out gotta go bye.

So you see my point. Morrison isn't going to submit a comedic episode. He's going to submit some lame dramatic episode, effectively reducing the legitimacy of comedy, which everyone says is harder than drama. NO WONDER THEY GAVE HIM DRAMATIC STUFF INSTEAD OF COMEDIC STUFF.

Just for shits and giggles, here's his sort of offensive interview (he insisted upon having) in order to deny his homosexuality. I've followed this link with a picture.

http://www.elle.com/Pop-Culture/Celebrity-Spotlight/Matthew-Morrison

Yep. Not gay. In fact, I hope he really isn't. Genuinely. I don't want him as a part of my people. If I made a gay wish list, he would rank lower than John McCain and Captain Crunch.

Here's to hoping Baldwin wins again for being the funniest and being the best at it.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy

Lea Michele, Glee

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Toni Collette, United States of Tara

Well, at least Amy is a pleasant surprise. I'm less offended at Lea's inclusion, because she definitely has more comedic elements to her performance than Whoreison. I'm actually most surprised that Julia's show is still on the air, but I did some research and it was just recently canceled. Boohoo. I'm rooting for Amy, but there's no way she can beat big name actress like Falco and Collette. I also have a sinking feeling that Glee will sweep. Ugh. I'd rather drink horse sweat.

Outstanding Comedy Series

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Glee

Modern Family

Nurse Jackie

The Office

30 Rock

Minus Modern Family and 30 Rock, of course.

Well, that's my take on the big categories. A year with a few pleasant surprises, but overall pretty average and just about what I expected. Sort of like the new Kylie album. THERE, BIRTHDAY BOY! I WORKED IT IN!

Rating: A LONG ASS PHONE CALL WITH THE ELECTRIC COMPANY

Six Shows You Need to Watch

HAPPY SUMMRATIEMZ EVERYONE!!!

Ok now that most people have less to do (or have a full-time job but deliberately become lazier), I think it's a prime opportunity for my readers to find a new TV show to enjoy. Sure, you could be sitting outside and enjoying the nice weather, getting tan, catching up on reading a book...OR YOU COULD BE DESTROYING YOUR MIND GRAPES WITH DELICIOUS TV!!! It is my hope that you choose the last option. So, to get you started, here are my suggestions under various parameters.

Goal: Oh HAY what's a funny show I can watch with minimal brain commitment?

Well, my first recommendation is Better Off Ted. Why, you ask?

1. It's hilarious

2. It only lasted two short seasons, so you'll get through it quickly

3. Most people never watched it, so I'm guessing you didn't. Ergo, it will be new for you.

4. Portia de Rossi proves yet again that she has an impeccable sense of TV quality and a "John Goodman Stool Sample" sense of commercial viability. PS I don't know if John Goodman is still alive, but if he isn't then my bad because that last statement was in poor taste.

WATCH IT NOW. The first season is on Netflix streaming, so it's really easy to track down.

Goal: Kthnkx Riha, but I want something that is popular enough that I'll be able to talk about it in social settings.

Hmm, well then you'd better get on board with de Rossi's other sitcom: Arrested Development. It's one of the most critically acclaimed series of the last decade, yet it wasn't that popular during its brief, 2.5 season run. However, it has become quite popular on DVD and many people that didn't give a shit about it five years ago now praise it as genius. I know. I'm one of those people. The only downside is that fans of the show tend to be sort of pompous. I know. I'm one of those pompous fans.

"Hey look at me! I watched Arrested Development! It's a show that was very smart! And very funny! I watched it! So I am smart! And very funny! Yay me!"

If that annoys you, just pray two Arrested Development fans don't meet each other and get started on the subject. I won't even play out that conversation because I might trigger some Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in my readers.

If you're not bothered by your inevitable future as "that guy/girl/tranny who won't shut up about Arrested Development," go for it. But it's worth it, because the show is that smart and funny. Trust me. I watch it. And I'm that guy.

Goal: LOL OK Riha, but what about a show that is still on the air, is super funny, and I won't be a douche for liking?

Well, I already wrote a review that waxed poetic about Modern Family, so I won't belabor that hilarious, well written, Arrested Development-esque point. And I think 30 Rock is in the same vein of that high quality/self-congratulatory Arrested Development fandom as, well...you know. Instead, I would steer your attention towards Parks and Recreation. Parks and Rec is a show that has blossomed, quite dramatically, in its second season. Sure, it wasn't that great starting off. But this season the writers have really gotten a strong sense of their characters and Amy Poehler is outstanding as the lovably awkward Leslie Knope. Give it a chance. I guess I'd recommend powering through the first season, but honestly you'd probably be ok just reading a plot synopsis and starting with season two. I said it.

Goal: Whoopdey Whoop, Riha! But now that my funny bone is tickled, what should I do? Are there any good dramas out thurrrr?

Well you may be surprised to learn this, BUT I LOVE DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! So I have some suggestions. First off, for those wanting a quick one season catch-up, I suggest The Good Wife. I know what you're thinking.

"Um The Good Wife is on CBS. Isn't that station for people who are over 65 and have terrible taste in television?"

Yes, it is usually, but The Good Wife (and How I Met Your Mother...and perhaps some other shows I don't watch because I sort of hate CBS) is an exception. It's a gripping legal drama, but also has family drama...and sexy political drama...and the chick from Mamma Mia who played the cougar. Yep, there's a lotta "ands" in that sentence. It's supremely well acted, and I can say that since it was a Tuesday night Tivo show, I frequently got around to watching it before I got around to watching Glee. THERE, EAT THAT.

Goal: Aiight, but is that really the best drama on TV? I mean you did say it was on CBS...

Ok, I admit. The Good Wife would not get my vote for the single best drama on TV. I've written about this show before, but since it doesn't have Modern Family's ratings, I will write again because I want this show to have an audience. Everyone ever should watch Friday Night Lights. I think I know why this show is struggling. It's premise seems designed for people who will struggle to receive a GED by age 35, yet in actuality it's a show so smart and heartfelt that it's really designed for people with a higher level of education. Luckily, most Friday Night Lights fans will never describe the show in such an arrogant fashion, so you don't have to worry about encountering tons of dbags who poop compliments talking about the show. You just have to worry about that with me.

Goal: Alright, well I'm willing to make a serious commitment to a classic show. What must I watch?

BUFFY. THE. VAMPIRE. SLAYER. It's on DVD. It's on Netflix Streaming. Sometimes I think about the show whenever You'll Be in My Heart comes on iTunes and pretend the show is singing to me. Yeah. That's how crazy I am. About the show, that is.

So heed my advice, then you can feel the way this nice lady does.

TV Review: Glee Season Finale/Season One

Ok, a few things to clear up.

First, I've been MIA. Sorry about that. I was just south of the great white north for a wedding and decided to leave my computer at home. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN BECAUSE LIVING WITHOUT TECHNOLOGY IS MISERABLE. Anyway, that slightly hindered my ability to write an internet post, so I promise I will be extra productive in the next week or so.

Next, I realize I already reviewed Glee. However, it was a short review that touched on the first episode after Glee's long hiatus. After a whole season of this show, I want to give a thorough summary of my thoughts on this pop culture phenomenon.

Finally, there is an edit to the Sex and the City 2 review. Look for the word "edit" in bold.

Disclaimer: I might piss off some Glee fans with this review. Let me put a smile on your face before we begin.

Whee toilet humor!!! Let's get started!

GLEE IS THE MOST INFURIATING SHOW ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW.

Yes. I said it. It's out there. Let that sink in and if you start to feel rage, look at the poop picture.

Now, before I get angry comments--doubtful given my current comments record--let me say that the cap locks word vomit is actually a bit of a compliment. Glee frustrates me because it has the most insane potential--it combines comedy, drama, music, suspense, and sexy bodies--and could very easily be the best show on TV. However, for every really great episode of Glee there are two or three stinking turds. When the season started back in the fall, I greeted each new episode with this sort of enthusiasm:

OMG GLEE IS ON TONIGHT I CAN'T WAIT THIS IS SO AWESOME WHAT POP CULTURE SONG WILL THEY SING AND OMG WILL FINN AND RACHEL GET TOGETHER AND MR. SCHU IS SUCH A NICE TEACHER I'M SO SAD HE'S BEING MISLED BY HIS EVIL WIFE.

As the season progressed, my Glee reaction turned into this:

Hmm. Have I seen this before? I feel like Rachel's quit Glee club at least twice. Also, how is Mr. Schu still unaware that his wife is pregnant when they live together? I would totally touch her baby bump while she's sleeping. Was it really worth springing for the right's to You're Having My Baby? This is sort of gross. Yeah, I know this is a musical so some suspension of disbelief is required, but I mean come on some of these characters are getting a bit unbelievable. Also, something about Matthew Morrison is starting to bug me. Oh well, society will shun me if I criticize Glee now. I'd better shut up and sit in my corner because friends are more important than free thinking.

Then, after the hiatus, I wrote my earlier review. I summarized my reaction with the photo of a vomiting rainbow. That is still accurate.

Now, I feel a sad sense of resignation. Glee will never be as great as I want it to be and I'm too addicted to stop watching. It's this terrible situation where I watch with the naive hope that I'll get a great episode and I frequently have my hopes dashed. Sure, it's still occasionally awesome but you have to admit there are still lots of flaws with the show. I'm stuck in a "Glee purgatory" from which there is no escape. I suppose if I had to put this into a picture, it would look like this:

Yeah. I'm starting to get this Lord of the Flies feeling from Glee fans and I do worry that speaking my mind could lead to my murder, or worse, another forced viewing of Sex and the City 2.

Here are my issues with Glee that I wish would be resolved in season two. Yes, I know that Glee has great ratings, and according to Perez Hilton, commercial success is a only indicator of quality...so it's very unlikely that any changes will be made. I guess the producers will employ a strict "if it ain't broke, don't fix it policy." I mean, sure, that's true. But my toilet still works and that doesn't mean it wouldn't benefit from a thorough cleaning. Ok, I've digressed. Here are my issues.

SPOILERS AHOY!

1. Cut back on the recycled stories and present new material. THIS IS PARAMOUNT given that the Glee club didn't make regionals and now must relive the same timeline as this past season. Please don't give us the same storylines. Dear God no. If Rachel quits the Glee club again I'm going to shit a brick. Or, more likely, one of those marble stones the Greeks used.

2. Glee still functions pretty well when people aren't singing. You don't need to have songs just for the sake of featuring music. Examples: Papa Don't Preach, You're Having My Baby, THE ENTIRE DURATION OF BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (which could have been cut to three minutes), most of the funk episode, Gold Digger, No Air, etc. Even worse: derailing the entire plot to include a specific song. I would be ok with this if all of these musical numbers were well done-a la The Safety Dance--but since they're not, I'd like stronger storytelling. K thanks.

3. Ok, generally Glee is gay friendly, which I like. But seriously don't perpetuate some unrealistic views of los homos. I mean sure, I can have a small crush on a straight guy every now and then. Obviously I don't think it's going anywhere and don't do anything about it, but I highly doubt I'll be so in love with a straightie that I will manipulate my dad into falling for his mom so we can live together in my basement room and I can seduce him. I guess this is a small gripe, but if I were one of the four straight guys that watch Glee I would leave feeling a little more uncomfortable about having gay friends. More generally, I hope season two gives Kurt and Mercedes more to do than be sassy in the background and then march to the forefront when the show wants to make an overly-preachy LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU ARE message.

4. Be more selective with your stunt casting. I would suggest that guest stars serve three essential functions: One. They are talented actors. Two. They can sing. Three. Their role is essential to the plot. Is that too much to ask? To this end, I would say Idina Menzel is the most successful guest this season. Kristen Chenoweth and Jonathan Groff were pretty good, with Cheno slightly lacking in plot necessity and Groff slightly lacking in acting talent. Take Olivia Newton-John's cameo as the converse. She didn't act well, sounded pretty bad on Physical, and definitely had no real purpose. Her role could have easily been switched to another star. I feel like I can't imagine anyone else taking Idina's part.

5. I would not be opposed to a shirtless guy-on-guy make out session. Preferably between Puck and Finn. True Blood is learning to pander to its audience. Take note, Glee.

6. If it weren't for the great talents of Jessalyn Gilsig and Jamya Mays, I would advocate eliminating Will Schuster's entire personal life from the show. The fake pregnancy/divorce/Emma love storylines have all been really oddly paced--going from really drawn out to super rushed, which makes those plots seem like time fillers. Furthermore, the only time I've really empathized with Will was when he was dealing with his students. I have a long laundry list of issues with Matthew Morrison which make me personally hate Will Schuster, but I will try to leave those out of this since I'm just focusing on the show. I would never use this blog as a place to slander celebrities. I would never be so crass as to say that when Matthew Morrison was singing Tell Me Something Good to Jane Lynch, I wanted her to spit into his open mouth. That would be rude.

7. I like Finn as a character on the show, but boy needs to step up his singing game. Or sing less. Hint hint. Same with Quinn. If I ever hear her sing James Brown again I'm going to vomit.

8. Considering how one note Sue has been most of the season, I like the direction she went in the finale. Keep that up in season two. I like seeing the softer side of Sue, as long as it isn't her being in love with Will. Where the Hell did that come from? Oh right, she's successful and single so according to Glee a woman like that will take any attention from a man because she's obviously desperate. This isn't the first time the writers have made Sue seem man crazy. Remember when she wore the suit after dating the newscaster? Yeah, thought so.

9. If you're feeling particularly masochistic, have a "Terrible Twos" movie marathon. Feature Transformers 2 and Sex and the City 2. This has nothing to do with Glee, but the name popped into my head and I had to write it down. Drink suggestions: shots of Everclear. You'll need them.

10. Less Will and more Santana/Britney/dancing Asian/black dancer who talked for the first time in the finale/Artie/Tina/Kurt/Mercedes/Finn/Quinn/Puck/Rachel. I wrote it out like this to emphasize just how many characters there are that could be explored instead of Will. We all know he's a soppy v that cries whenever his students make the smallest accomplishment. How about focusing on those achievements instead of close-ups of his face? We'll infer the soppy tears.

Alright, that's all for the subject of Glee. Here's to hoping that the writers ship up next season. I don't want to give up on this show completely, but if things don't change, I might.

Rating: I don't want to write it here, because I might get murdered/SATC2ed. Jesus I hated that movie. Anyway, here's a progressive grade for Glee:

TV Review: American Idol

Alright, I did a recap of an American Idol episode, but I haven't properly reviewed the series. I guess I've been leery of doing that because this batch of contestants suck major moose cock and I didn't want to seem overly negative towards a series I once enjoyed. Well, that ship has sailed. This season of American Idol is like a big pile of elephant diarrhea, if the elephant just finished eating at White Castle.

Aside from the major lack of talent this season, I think Idol has worked really hard in recent years to destroy what once made the show great: the contestants. In the olden days, the singers had a karaoke track and a small stage. Basically, I could have filmed and produced the show in my basement. Stars were made or broken solely on vocal strength and since American Idol is a singing competition, this was great. I tuned in for the songs.

Then something odd happened midway through the series. My current theory is that the producers realized that some of the winners/successful contestants weren't making tons of money as recording artists, and so they decided to manipulate the talent pool so that the most marketable contestant won. THAT'S RIGHT, MANIPULATION. GASP!!!!! Just to make it crystal clear, you are the gentleman in the sign below:

If you aren't able to discern the manipulation, here are a few examples:

1. Anytime a contestant is a new parent, that fact is mentioned at least once an episode.

2. If a contestant has a tragic backstory, then that backstory will be brought up at least once, but could be escalated to Danny Gokey levels of obnoxious reminders. Even if the producers don't explicitly air the backstory reminder, often times it will be done indirectly. For example, one contestant sang "Jesus Take the Wheel" because it had "a lot of meaning to him" and then dressed all in white and looked to Jesus at several points during the song. WE GET IT, SHE DIED. GET OVER IT, GOKEY. Very rarely will a contestant work hard to keep their tragedy personal. David Cook did this very well in season 7, and karma rewarded him with the win. Just sayin'

3. Some contestants, no matter how well they sing, will be thrown under the bus because they're not deemed a worthy winner. For example, Syesha Mercado was never vocally terrible, but damn she couldn't catch a break from the judges to save her life. So finally, she was stuck with a song from the movie Happy Feet during the "producer's choice" round because they wanted her the fuck off the show. Even though I was never a huge Syesha fan, I can appreciate how difficult her Idol journey was.

4. Performance order. David Archuleta sang last on the first major performance night. His song choice sucked, he sounded boring on it, and forgot his words. He definitely didn't deserve to close the show (an honor that should have gone to David Cook or Carly Smithson that evening). Yet, since he was beloved by the producers, he got to do it. Going last has also helped Fantasia Barrino, Adam Lambert, Jordin Sparks, and Carrie Underwood. Yes, these examples are all very talented and perhaps deserved to win, but they producers made it EXTREMELY easy for them by placing them last. That's unfair. Especially since these contestants had most of their best performances when they weren't going last (yes, I know there are some exceptions to this)

Etc. I could go on and on about how this show is evil and the producers are determined to get what they want. In fact this season, I think the producers were so set on Crystal Bowersox winning that they didn't even put anyone else talented in the Top 24. I said it. Name another outstandingly good person. Sure, there were some promising performances from other people, but nothing incredible.

Another gripe is the four judge system. It makes the show more about the pointless criticism than the actual talent. More time is being devoted to the panel, introductions, and guest mentors and therefore less emphasis is placed on singing. In the olden days, they could do a Top 5 show where each contestant sang twice. Now, they don't sing twice until Top 3 night. Plus all of the criticism sounds the same.

Randy:

For me for you, for me, for you dawg, it was just aiight. A bit pitchy in spots, but at other times you did your thing (if he's more enthusiastic, he might call it "da bomb").

Ellen:

Joke. I loved it.

Kara:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah artistry (although this season she's been better about fewer, and more helpful, blahs).

Simon:

This is the only critique that anybody cares about, and since I've emotionally checked out I won't even put much thought into it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THEY DRIVE ME NUTS! I'm ready for an all new panel. Although I'm not advocating for Paula to come back, I do think she was the best judge last season. Does that make her objectively a good judge? Hell no. She sucked. But she was still better than everyone else. Yes, America, this was the face of reason on American Idol:

Here is my five- step plan to save American Idol

1. Return to the three judge system and eliminate the judge's save. More time can go to singing, and their save does jack shit to alter the eventual winner. Or at least, knock on wood for that being true this season. Plus, the awful goodbye performances on results night will get cut off by the end credits, thank goodness. Since Simon is leaving, I advocate an entirely new panel. My vote: Shania Twain as the new Paula, Elton John as the new Simon, and someone completely different from Randy as the new Randy. Dear God do not pick Jamie Foxx. If you have to keep one judge (from Ellen, Kara, and Randy), I would say Kara. But that's a very weak endorsement.

2. Season 8 might have been one of the most talented seasons in a while. It had a Top 36, with more raw talent to choose from. Coincidence? I think not. I wish the semi-finals would allow the audience to see more contestants sing. If the producers won't increase the quantity of singing, then maybe we can try to increase the quality. Sure, some seasons have good talent with a Top 24, but this method might ensure that we don't have another season 9 shit tank on our hands.

3. I could care less about the guest mentors. Sometimes they're entertaining, but if fewer guest mentors means more singing, then get rid of those mentors. Right now.

4. Naked back-up dancers.

5. I'm on the fence about instruments. At times they're super cool, but at other times they're a crutch for less talented individuals to hobble on to the next week. Therefore, I think the producers should mandate, at the beginning of the competition, that instruments are only to be played on a select number of weeks. This will force instrument players to show off their voices. Someone like Kris Allen or Crystal Bowersox will be fine, because they have the talent, but some tard monkey, like Jason Castro or Casey James, will struggle.

Those are my thoughts. What ideas do you have to improve this poop tower?

Rating (season 9): 1/5 stars. I'm still super addicted, though.

TV Review: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Rating: One million/5 stars

TV Review: Brothers and Sisters

Alright, I've watched Brothers and Sisters (or as the highly educated call it, Bros and Hos) for quite a while and the show has had some ups and downs for me. I'd call this season a down, for sure. Granted, it's not dead Meredith/deer revival/tumor fantasy bad like Grey's Anatomy, but things haven't been great. I would like to take this time to offer a general outline for an episode of Bros and Hos, but first I must introduce you to our cast of characters.

Nora. Everything you need to know about Nora comes from the fact that she's played by Sally Field. Thing Steel Magnolias plus a different set of babies. Nora pretty much spends the entire hour complaining about her children's lives and trying to meddle/control them. Occasionally she gets a love interest, but it's always gross and weird because she's old. Old love is nasty.

I'm sorry if this picture made anyone vomit.

Sarah. Sarah is Nora's oldest child and one of the titular Bros and Hos, because she has several siblings. Haha tit-u-lar. Anyway, she's the best character and given this season, that's not saying much. She has a French boyfriend, played by the naked guy in the Sex and the City movie. This is a pretty good storyline, but when anything has to deal with Ojai (pronounced Oh Hi, but sometimes my brain turns it into Oh HAYYYYY) Foods, which is the family business, this get super duper annoying. More on this later.

Tommy. Tommy is the worst character times one thousand. He was so bad he was written off of the show for a while, but I also suspect the actor who plays him is a giant turd. Look up Balthazar Getty and you'll probably see some pictures of him with Sienna Miller that make you wonder how he bagged her because he's uglier and less successful. RUN-ON! Tommy's role is to bitch about everything. "Wahhhh Sarah got to be CEO of Ojai. She has a business degree and more experience, but I'm entitled because I'm a man and she's a lady." "Wahhh my wife left me even though I made illegal business deals and disappeared to Mexico right after our child was born. Pity me." "Wahhhh NOBODY LIKES ME."

Kevin. Kevin is the gay child. He's super uptight, which is reflected in the fact that he's a lawyer and a political campaign manager. He's pretty tolerable, given that his partner Scottie is perhaps the most sympathetic tertiary character here. However, his most recent storyline is absurd.

OMG I'm already tired and I don't even want to finish. I'll give extremely brief descriptions of the other characters.

Kitty. Republican and uptight.

Justin. Former druggie and maybe dyslexic, now in med school. Was in army, like Buster Bluth.

Alright, these are the Bros and Hos. Anyway, the show used to be super engaging and dramatic, with hidden mistresses and secret children, but now it's sort of become a caricature of itself. Either the episode is super formulaic, or they develop a highly implausible new plotline.

I've taken the liberty of writing a template script.

(Kitty on phone)

Kitty: Hay Sarah, I'm planning to do something political but since mom is a liberal and generally resents my conservatism, keep it a secret.

Sarah: Oh for sure, this will never get out. PS this is actually a three-way call and Kevin is on the line.

Kevin: Sorry I can't talk, I have to go off to some lawyer thing, but I'm here with Justin talking about legal blah blah blah and you're on speaker phone so he knows too.

Justin: Yeah and I just texted messaged everyone alive except for Nora, so clearly this secret will never get out. Can't wait for our big family dinner where we drink wine and blurt things!

Sarah: Alright, I have to go into work at Ojai with our dad's former mistress who now owns half of the company, kind of inexplicably, and has a daughter that's married to Justin, which is kind of weird if you stop to think about it.

Cut to family dinner after secret is revealed.

Nora: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS KITTY, HAVEN'T I SACRIFICED ENOUGH FOR THIS FAMILY? I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T ASK FOR IT AND ARE A CAPABLE 40 YEAR OLD WOMAN. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?"

Then they make up and everything is back to normal. I actually managed to get a picture of the Bros and Hos storyboard for the series:

That being said, it still makes me cry a lot and the acting is good.

Rating: 3/5 stars

TV Review: Party Down

Alright, time for another review. I received a comment on Friday saying "MORE REVIEWS" and since I hadn't posted in 36 hours, it was completely legitimate to demand more work from me. Oh wait, I worked until 10pm on both Thursday, Friday, and Saturday so I'm sorry that my inability to crank out a review every day prevented you from properly procrastinating.

Anyway, I'm sitting here while my roommate watches Skins (not reviewing it now, but perhaps soon) and I'm gorging myself on Fritos and A&W. Pretty sweet, except for the fact that the weather here in basically like that Helen Hunt movie where her dad's death at the hands of a tornado prompts her to spend her life hunting twisters. Sort of like Moby Dick, but instead of powerful literature it's a movie with the chick from Dr T. and the Women. And instead of a legendary whale, she's personifying weather.

Ok! Skins is over. Time to put on some Party Down while I write about Party Down. This is an incredibly meta moment, which is an expression I use quite indiscriminately and might not even apply to what's happening right now.

The bottom line is that I love this show, and here's why.

1. It's on Starz, so there's plenty of sex, drugs, swearing, and nudity. This is better that tv without those things. This is science.

2. Jane Lynch has a starring role and she's my favorite part of the show. Unfortunately, she left the show for Glee, but that led her to being replaced by Jennifer Coolidge and then Megan Mullally. That is one cougar pack of awesome. Or I guess, cougar pride of awesome.

3. It's friggin' funny. Like, this funny:

So, everyone should watch this show. It's good satire and there's all of the dirty stuff I mentioned before. To give some perspective on my tastes, here are some things I hate irrationally (in no particular order):

1. The ending(s) of The Return of the King. They're so unnecessary. I've already sat through three hours of the damn movie, I only require some basic closure. Jesus.

2. Rihanna's vocal performance on the song Unfaithful. I generally like her, but on this song she sounds like a cat with diarrhea. Also, the song's message is gross.

3. Ugg boots that are worn as a fashion statement. If you're trying to be trendy, it's not working. If you're trying to prevent frostbite, go for it. Crocs are in a similar category, except there isn't a weather-related justification.

4. This clown-face:

5. Running out of funny ideas for a post because I'm too bloated with Frito's farts.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

TV Review: Academy of Country Music Awards

Ok, I know what you're thinking:

"Hey Riha, what's a big gaylord like you doing watching the Academy of Country Music Awards? Isn't that genre just for people who are less gay than you? Why would someone SO GAY want to spend three hours watching country music performances and awards? Also, gaybrain, do you even know anything about country music? GAY."

First of all, you're being rude for assuming that being gay precludes me from enjoying country music. Sure, I tend to prefer sassy country chicks to songs that are like "I country bumpkined my lady behind the tractor," but I still like the genre. Secondly, you can lay off the gay language. That's inappropriate and offensive, so check your tone. I'm highly affronted.

So, I watched all three hours of the ACM awards (I've busted out the abbrev, keep up) for a few reasons:

1. I really don't have a life, I'll take any excuse to jump into my "around-the-house" snuggie, and I enjoy sitting on my couch, motionless. Like a beached whale.

2. I have a metaphorical boner for Miranda Lambert and I wanted to see her win a bunch of trophies that look like modern art, but are actually made out of plastic. Check out Carrie Underwood. She's getting more action than I am, that's for sure. But the real point here is that the trophy looks stupid.

3. Guys at the ACM awards can be SUPER HOT and tend to wear really tight jeans. I saw Tim McGraw's penis when he was singing. Well done, Faith Hill.

4. I was having a low self-esteem day and knew that at least one performance would make me cry, because sometimes country music is DAMN SAD and usually has a deceptive title. A song called "I'm in Love" might actually have a chorus like this:

I'm in love with a girl

Pretty as can be

Life would be so happy

Were it her and me

But tragically

We can never love

Because she was killed

A plane fell from above

Yeah, so I expected waterworks because country music likes to MESS WITH YOUR MIND.

Anyway, Reba McEntire was hosting, which was super distracting because I tend to think in pop culture references, so everytime she was on screen I saw this:

FYI Reba's supposed to be on the left, if you're confused. I swear to God she said she would be hanging out backstage and I thought to myself, "HANGIN LIKE MY NUTS." So, to that end, Reba was a good choice of host because I kept myself entertained, but when she got on stage and sang I Keep On Lovin You, the Keenan imagery got awkward. My imagination is too vivid. And to take you right there with me, it was gay interracial sex imagery between the two pictured. You're welcome. YOU CAN'T UNREAD THAT.

If that last paragraph was a bunch of nonsense, go here: http://www.hulu.com/watch/110300/saturday-night-live-digital-short-two-worlds-collide-ft-reba-mcentire

Ok, this post is definitely digressing. I don't really have a rant here aside from "I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC PENDING THE THEMATIC NATURE OF THE SONG" so I might wrap things up soon. Miranda Lambert won Album of the Year, Top Female Vocalist, and Video of the Year and I was super happy about that. Then she sang The House That Built Me, which is about going back to your childhood home after you've moved on. Since my childhood home is being sold soon, I definitely cried an assload during that. FYI that last sentence made me picture myself crying tiny butts into the bed of a truck. Did I mention I'm still on drugs for my chest infection? That is my constant scapegoat. I'm like the kitten with the fishbowl, which is an expression I just made up so I CAN DO THIS:

This might be my worst post ever.

Rating: 4/5 stars

TV Review: America's Next Top Model

I love America's Next Top Model, which I will now refer to as ANTM for the sake of my laziness. I love ANTM a lot, despite all of the morally reprehensible things that happen under the watchful eye of Tyra Banks. Well, if I'm being completely honest, perhaps I love ANTM because of all the horrible things that happen. Every cycle (because Tyra doesn't believe in seasons) twelve to fourteen girls come together to have their self-esteem torn apart while they compete to win absolutely nothing, except for the opportunity to film commercials that will air during the following cycle. I guess they win some money or something, but clearly that doesn't do any good because the most famous winner of ANTM spends her time posting pictures of her boobs on Twitter.

Anyway, these girls endure horrible things, but it's alright because they're usually completely insane and therefore I am okay with watching their lives fall apart. After seeing over thirteen cycles of this show, I have managed to make the following observations.

1. If you're an ANTM contestant and you gain around five pounds, you will be treated like an elephant. This isn't an exaggeration. One cycle a contestant gained a bit of weight and had to portray an elephant in a photo shoot. Here's proof:

Where did this girl get off thinking she could ever be a model with THAT LURKING HULK OF A FIGURE?!?

2. If you have a pre-existing condition that you don't want on camera, don't tell Tyra. Otherwise, she will find it and exploit it in order to make it look like she's there for you. Tyra has helped girls handle epilepsy, Aspergers, blindness, burns, random fainting, dyslexia, and many other things. Her solution? Tell the girls that they're beautiful no matter what and expose their condition on national television. Sure, none of the aforementioned conditions applied to any of the winners of the show, but I'm sure that those girls still felt beautiful as they were being eliminated from a beauty competition. Oh, be warned that Tyra will go to ridiculous lengths to exposes these secrets. I had no idea there was a girl with dyslexia one cycle until the episode where they had a READING challenge. Deliberate.

3. If you audition for ANTM, you are going to get a make-over should you make it through the first few weeks of the competition. This could mean a variety of things.

a) Very little will change

b) Your hair will change color

c) Your hair will get shorter

d) You will get a weave, possibly to make your hair longer.

If any of these possibilities might cause you to burst into uncontrollable hysterics, perhaps ANTM isn't right for you. As a viewer, I love seeing the bi-annual makeover meltdown because it provides great drama. However, it always bugs me that some ungrateful skankbot gets to be on national TV but isn't willing to change her hair. I have a newsflash there. Unless you grew up by Chernobyl, your hair will grow back. So please feel free to cry for the sake of the show, but know that nobody in the audience is rooting for you because you're coming across both crazy and entitled at the same time.

4. If you're a catalog model, you probably shouldn't watch ANTM. Your career is going to be insulted at some point. If you do choose to watch and end up offended, I offer the following picture to console you:

5. I'm glad they took Miss Jay off the judging panel because, sassy as he is, I never understood his/her qualifications to judge pictures. I just know that (s)he was really good at walking in heels. However, I feel like the two of us have comparable expose to looking at a picture and critiquing the amount of neck shown.

6. Every cycle Mr. Jay looks more and more like a robot.

Well, maybe he's always looked like a robot.

7. I think we can all agree that Janice Dickinson should come back to the panel. If you every need something to help remember the proper spelling of her last name, I won't share one because mine is really gross.

Alright, these are my Top Model thoughts. This cycle, I think I'm rooting for Alasia because she is completely insane, has no filter, takes pretty good pictures, and has the best name out of anyone. I've decided to pose a few questions to my faithful readers. What other ridiculous observations have you made about the show? Who are you rooting for this cycle? Who are your favorite contestants of all time? They don't have to be good models, so feel free to say Jade if you want. I know I might.

Rating: 4/5 stars

TV Review: Modern Family

First of all,

CHECK ME OUT BITCHES, I HAVE A DOZEN FOLLOWERS! This is great. I'm in such a good mood, I'm going to write a happy review. Of all the shows on tv that make me happy, perhaps Modern Family makes me the happiest. Short sentences also make me happy! Cake batter too. Chinese food. Mmm.

Anyway, everyone ever should watch this show because it's extremely funny, has great characters, and does a good job of portraying gayness. One time I even waited until the show was over to go poop, instead of just pausing Tivo and going when I had the urge. I was that caught up in the excitement. So I want everyone ever to start watching Modern Family. Here's why:

1. You won't feel like an idiot when you're with me. I like to quote TV ALL THE TIME and I don't really plan to change my ways any time soon.

2. I won't feel like an idiot for quoting TV all the time, because you'll respond to my quotes and therefore validate that constantly quoting TV is socially acceptable.

3. If you're a lady, your boobs will get bigger. If you're a man, your penis will grow...in a permanent sense. Not a temporary sense. This is science from my research at the University of Missouri--Riha's Couch. Also, if you have both/neither parts, then you'll win the lottery. Furthermore, this point is based on a biological definition of gender. If you identify as a lady but have a pee pee, then it will rain candy next time you go outside. If you identify as a dude but have a clam trap, then you'll find twenty dollars the next time you do your laundry. Everybody wins!

4. Interestingly, the research from UMRC shows that slight boob and penis shrinkage occurred when the Modern Family watcher already possessed giant assets and wanted to reduce them.

5. Watching Modern Family makes puppies smile.

6. EVERY TIME YOU DON'T WATCH MODERN FAMILY, YOU DESTROY A BABY'S SOUL.

How can you live with yourself?

7. Every week I have a new favorite character, because they're all generally outstanding. I would analogize this to having a diverse quantity of items that you enjoy equally and then picking one based on your mood. If you like having options, in any context, then you'll enjoy Modern Family.

8. Judy Greer guest starred. She might have appeared in a little show called ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. Like, go buy us some coffee. I just blue myself. But where did the lighter fluid come from? POINTS ONE AND TWO JUST CAME TO PASS. So do you feel like an idiot or do you feel awesome right now?

9. Every time I watch Modern Family I bake and then eat the delicious bounty from my oven's harvest. If you watch with me, I will bake for you. The parts of this point that make sense are lies.

10. Alright, since this post has already jumped the shark, I would like to conclude by saying that this post included a reference to science in it, and you can't argue with science. So watch Modern Family. And if you need more motivation, look at that baby's face and think about what you're doing when you don't watch.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

TV Review: V

Before I get to V, I'm going to start by talking about another science fiction show that airs on ABC: Lost. Lost is a character driven drama that features tropical polar bears, carnivorous smoke monsters, the walking dead, and a guest spot by Michelle Rodriguez. All-in-all, some crazy stuff happens on that show and most of it doesn't make sense. Time moves in strange ways, people are commonly omnipotent, and it took several seasons for Kate and Sawyer to bang.

All that being said, Lost is not nearly as ludicrous as the show V. It's also not nearly as boring. Although I'm a few episodes behind on V, let me try to give the general recap of an episode

"This week on V, the Visitors (the aliens) come up with an amazing new medical breakthrough, which they use to save many human lives. This spectacular technology was developed on their awe-inspiring mother ship, a feat of science so impressive and wonderful that the Gods themselves do tremble. Meanwhile, a rag-tag group of insurgents create sloppy, half-brained plans to stop the V that are poorly executed and show little-to-no intelligence. Although the Visitors can traverse space time and cure cancer, they have yet to develop enough surveillance technology to find these insurgents. It seems that the Visitors know everything except the whereabouts of our heroes."

And scene. So, I'm not stupid. I know that the V can't find our heroes out of convenience to the story, because it wouldn't be much of a show if the V came and killed all of the protagonists in thirty seconds. Still, it's lazy.

It's like the end of Mean Girls, when they go to the Mathletes competition. Do you really expect me to believe Lindsay Lohan outsmarted that other girl in math? No, but I do it because it works for the story and because that movie is fucking awesome. V is only batting 50% here.

I'm going to write my own story, called The Race. Here is our hero, Herbert:

Herbert is a lovable elephant from a disadvantaged background. All his life, he's been told he can't run races because he's an elephant and therefore is slow. Herbert has a good heart. He helps the elderly and writes poetry for sick children. Yet, he's constantly reminded that he can't live his dream of running a race. One day, his parents are killed in a boat crash and he has to go live with his aunt and uncle, who are strict, but sassy humans. It turns out, his uncle is a former racer and decides to help Herbert follow his dream out of pity. After several montages of hard work, Herbert starts winning races and makes it all the way to the championships!! This is the biggest race of his life, and he's prepared to make his parents proud. He's up against the fastest racer in the land, Jetman:

In an amazing turn of fate, Herbert wins the race! Everyone rejoices...even Jetman is moved by the beauty of the moment and gives Herbert an emotional hug. With his dreams complete, Herbert retires into the jungle and lives happily ever after.

NO FUCKING WAY THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE! Look at Jetman. HE'S WEARING A JET! HOW DO YOU BEAT THAT IN A RACE?!?!? Yet, for the sake of story, Herbert wins. It doesn't make sense. Not at all. That's how I feel about V. Except V lacks the emotional depth of my story.

Rating: 2/5 stars.

TV Review: Glee

Unless you live in a cave or just got out of prison, you know that Glee made its return to tv last night, following a rather tepid episode of American Idol. Naturally, I was full of excitement because this show is super super super gay and therefore fits my lifestyle. I even wore my dress snuggie for the occasion and had a fancy dinner from Domino's pizza.

After watching the episode, I was forced to face a sad reality. Yes, the show is super fabulous, the singing is great, and the one liners are hilarious. However, the plot lines are so ridiculous and poorly planned that I have to suspend my belief to the point where they could probably get away with some Lost-esque antics. Oh wait, Lost understands story structure. Bad analogy. I guess I should have thought through this paragraph before I started. TAKE NOTE, WRITERS.

Here's how I imagine the Glee storyboarding process sounds:

Producer 1: "Oh hay guys, Lionel Richie gave the rights to his song Hello. And we have Gives You Hell! And Highway to Hell! Can't wait to put these all in an episode!!"

Producer 2: "OMG you guys, Idina Menzel agreed to guest star in Glee! And that dude from Spring Awakening. People will totes mcgotes want to watch this."

Staff Writer: "Lolz I just wrote a really funny Katrina joke har har har."

Head Writer: "HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TURN THIS INTO AN EPISODE?!?"

They should hire this guy to handle the episodes, because he'll do a better job:

Those glasses mean business! And he's clearly literate.

So anyway, here's my plot summary of last night:

Ok so the Glee kids are back at school and everything's super awesome because they won sectionals but now they have to get ready for regionals so the best way to do that is to sing a song with the word "Hello" in it because this is a new beginning for them or some garbage and then Sue is back at school and she wants to take down the Glee club to get revenge on Will so naturally she enlists two high school girls to do her dirty work because anyone who's ever manufactured anything knows children are the best workers and adults are incapable of handling anything and then Rachel is super in love with Finn but he feels smothered so they break up and then immediately Santana and Brittany ask him out while Jesse from Vocal Adrenaline, that's their rivals btw, makes a play for Rachel and omg she's in love and it's 25 minutes into the episode and then Finn decide he does want to be with Rachel and this is about four minutes after he broke up with her and then oh wow she's with this Jesse guy and Finn thinks it's a trap and so Will goes to the Adrenaline rehearsal and Idina Menzel tries to suck his face but it doesn't work because he just divorced his wife three minutes ago and he's dating Emma but clearly that means nothing but it does because he stops and then Emma breaks up with him after Terri drops in and freaks her out because oh wait Will just got divorced five minutes ago and and so all of the relationships that started built last season are gone one episode in and pretty much all of this is moot because next week is the Madonna episode and nothing else matters.

Yes I love Glee, but I think the plot is best summarized this way:

Rating: 3/5 stars

Top 10 TV of 2009

It was a great year for TV, especially sitcoms. Here's my list of the ten best:

10. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

This show is so wrong, but oh so right. These characters have no moral compass, yet you still seem to care about them. Plus, it gave us wine-in-a-can.

9. Glee

For those who know me, this may seem like a low placement for Glee. But, be honest. The show is wildly inconsistent. The show recycles more than Al Gore, I frequently suspend my disbelief, and not all of the musical numbers work. That being said, when Glee succeeds it soars. Some of the best moments on TV are on Glee. Hopefully it'll keep working on creating some of the best episodes. It's heading in the right direction.

8. True Blood

Sure, it'll never top Buffy as my favorite vampire-related show, but it's still damn good. It seems to only get better as it goes along, so who knows how great season three will be.

7. Top Chef

Interestingly, of all of the reality shows I watch, this is the one with the least amount of audience participation. With shows like Project Runway, American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance, I can watch and critique what I see and hear. With Top Chef, I can't taste the food. No participation. Yet, somehow it still emerges as the best reality show of the year.

6. Parks and Recreation

This fall's most improved show. It got off to a rough start last season, especially with all of the comparisons to The Office. Now, the comedy has its own voice and Amy Poehler has successfully distanced herself from Steve Carell. Definitely worth watching.

5. 30 Rock

Sure, Parks and Recreation had a great year and sure, in my frustration with 30 Rock I would make angry statements like, "PARKS AND REC IS MY FAVORITE NBC THURSDAY SHOW." But it's not. Even in an off season, 30 Rock is still the best part of NBC Thursdays. The two most recent episodes have indicated a strong upturn for the season. Plus, since this is a 2009 list, the end of season 3 (and the unfortunate beginning of Parks' first season) also factor into my ranking.

4. Modern Family

Modern Family is a great example of a traditional sitcom--the family sitcom--being done very well. It's well scripted, well acted, and incredibly enjoyable. It says a lot that my favorite character changes each week.

3. Dollhouse

Joss Whedon. Please stop writing shows that suck me in and then get canceled. Break my heart. Sure, Dollhouse didn't get off to the strongest start. You can blame Fox for that. But now that's had the chance to develop, it's one of the most intriguing shows on tv. It manages to say a lot about human nature and identity without beating the audience over the head.

2. Better Off Ted

Perhaps it's because 30 Rock isn't on its A-game, but this is the most cleverly scripted comedy on tv. The jokes come quickly and usually succeed. Portia de Rossi is outstanding as Veronica, the tightly wound upper-manager. However, that sells the rest of the cast short. They're all great. It's gonna get canceled. Tear.

1. Lost

Although many of my favorite shows were comedies, I don't think anything this year has topped Lost's fifth season. It's as rich, complex, and emotionally satisfying as it has ever been. Special props to Josh Holloway and Elizabeth Mitchell, who were this season's MVPs. Don't even get me started on the finale cliffhanger...

Now that this list is out of the way, I'd like to mention that there are some shows that I don't watch that are critically acclaimed. To get a sense of what could be missing, here are the five shows I want to try and watch in 2010.

5. Big Love

4. Dexter

3. Mad Men

2. Fringe

1. The Good Wife