Movie Review: Friends with Kids

Do you know someone who is desperate to get you to like him or her (or gender neutral pronoun, who knows)? This movie is sort of like that friend--charming at moments, and lord knows this friend has a checklist of all of your favorite things (aka Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, etc). Yet, the desperation to win you over is ultimately off putting. That's how I would describe Friends with Kids.

Sure, there are profane jokes--poop jokes included, which I love. Sure, there's dirty sex talk--even floppy vagina jokes, which I love! And sure, it features a third of the cast of Bridesmaids--which I love! But this movies tries to throw too much, too fast and never really packs the punch it could. I'm not saying it's a bad movie--far from it. But it could have been great.

To save time, I'm going to boil this review in to a Pros/Cons list

Pros

1. Poop jokes

2. Floppy vagina jokes

3. Casting

4. A sizable amount of humor

Cons

1. For a movie trying to say something different, the ending was kinda cliched

2. Never really found anyone too believable, which made it hard for me to care about the characters

3. Could have been more poop jokes

4. Can Jennifer Westfeldt's face move?

Anyway, it was a pleasant enough way to pass two hours, but isn't going to shake up the world like Bridesmaids did.

Rating: 2.5/5 stars.

Movie Review: MacGruber

Ok, after seeing Sex and the City 2 I needed to have a good laugh. Since I have a weakness for poop/dick jokes, I figured MacGruber would be a good catharsis. Sure, it's been out for about two weeks and its box office performance is abysmal, but since it was mathematically impossible to be worse than SATC2, I went. Yes. Mathematically impossible. I learned that in math major class.

I think MacGruber has a very specific brand of humor, so therefore only certain groups of people will enjoy the film. Personally, I had a good time. I didn't have a great time, but I laughed at a lot of jokes that will certainly offend many others. If you're considering the film, I'm going to describe some of people that I think will enjoy the film and those that will not. Pay close attention and try to discern if this film is right for you.

People who should avoid MacGruber:

1. Anyone who reads The New Yorker regularly. I read one of their movie reviews and the first sentence included the word "munificence." I'd imagine someone that enjoys that probably wouldn't enjoy a movie that includes the term "face vagina." Casual reading of the occasional New Yorker article still renders you eligible, but you should drink first. Munificently. Thanks, Google dictionary!

2. People over the age of 40. There was a lone man in the theater who was around 40 years old. It was frightening--much scarier that the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, but not as scary as Sarah Jessica Parker's face in SATC2. Anyway, if you're over 40 chances are you won't get/appreciate the subtle word play of this cinematic triumph.

3. The main villain's name is Cunth. If you had to reread that to get the joke, then you should just go away now. If you thought it was funny before getting to the second sentence of this section, then there's hope for you.

4. At any point in your life, have you dressed like this?

If so, MacGruber isn't for you, because this came from a Google image search for "lame nerd."

5. Anyone that owns a poodle. That's science.

People who will enjoy MacGruber:

1. Have you ever taken a poop and wanted to photograph it and show it off? Obviously you didn't because you have some social grace, but the thought crossed you mind. See MacGruber.

2. If I said there were a gag that involved celery being place in someone's anus, how would you feel? Not terrible? See MacGruber.

3. Does this picture make you smile at all? If yes, see MacGruber.

4. I really have no evidence to support this, but I suspect if you've had Taco Bell in the last two weeks, you are apt to enjoy MacGruber. Again, just a hunch. A LUNCH HUNCH?!? Ugh I'm already sorry for typing that, but find it easier to just keep typing than to go back and erase it.

5. If you've ever actually said the phrase "sucking dick" aloud, I highly recommend this film.

So in conclusion, this movie is silly fun. Not earth shattering, but you might walk around with the image of Kristin Wiig's ridiculous MacGruber fetal position coffee house scene in your head. And if that last sentence isn't a great sales pitch for the film, I don't know what is.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Movie Review: Sex and the City 2

Wow. Let me begin by saying this review has some intense spoilers. I need to provide specific examples from the film to illustrate some of my points and therefore I will reveal important plot elements. If you still want to have your SATC 2 experience preserved, then stop now. However, if you don't care about this rotting pile of dog shit that's masquerading as cinema, then carry on. You've been warned.

If you didn't gather from the first paragraph, this movie is horrific. Perhaps this is the result of a public high school education, but I cannot find the words to effectively describe how much this movie offends me. I'll try anyway: Insensitive. Meanderingly pointless. Overstuffed. Irrelevant. Dina Lohan. Brussel sprouts.

You get the idea. This film works overtime to stereotype and misrepresent many different demographics. I'll break things down to the three main groups that should be taken aback by the film. Also, the fashion in this film is grotesquely disappointing. I will point out various fashion faux pas as the film goes on.

The Gays

Yes, I'm starting with my people. I assume my blog has a fairly sizable gay audience, like SATC2, so therefore I assume it is fair for me to make overarching generalizations that perpetuate stereotypes, LIKE SATC 2.

1. GAYS LOVE LIZA!!!!!!!! In fact, Liza is such a gay icon, if there's a gay wedding she can sense it and just shows up.

2. Gays can only be successful in an open marriage. Fidelity is for heteros.

3. Since I'll never have kids, I will be able to save up enough money is a pretty well-paying job to have a wedding that would make Princess Diana's nuptials look like a fucking one-nighter in a Vegas chapel, overseen by a fat Elvis. I'll distract from this huge logical inconsistency by hiring a gay choir and OH LOOK DID I MENTION LIZA SHOWED UP?!?!? I'm sure her fee is reasonable...OH WAIT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE FOR THE GAYS!!!!!!

4. See my next category for the depiction of a gay muslim.

5. As long as there are only two major gay characters in the story of my life (me and one other), we'll eventually get together because trying to write a unique story line for me would require too much effort on the part of the writers. So even though this guy is my complete opposite and our union defies all reasonable explanation, it'll happen because without other gay options our intense need for sexual gratification will drive us together.

6. The bottom line is that the gays will serve as a vehicle for a lavish wedding that jumpstarts the plot. However in retrospect, this will have no relevant function except to allow our heroines to make some questionably tasteful and unfunny one-liners about gays.

I suppose there wasn't anything in the film that was overly offensive to the gays. Rather, there was a smugness in the film, as if the writers knew they could get away with gay humor because they knew there was a gay audience. I don't like that. So in order to achieve karmic retribution, I have a joke at the expense of a gay. Michael Patrick King, the show's creator, looks like a homo Keebler elf. I wonder what sort of fudge he's packing in that magical tree of his.

I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE IM GAY AND SO IS HE!!! THOSE ARE THE RULESSSS!!!

Fashion Faux Pas: Maybe a gay wedding legitimizes Carrie's decision to wear a tuxedo and heels, but nothing on God's earth legitimizes her decision to wear a hat that makes me wonder when her alien people are coming to earth to kill us all.

Muslims

Omg you guys, the news totally has it wrong. The Middle East is a paradise, where everything is beautiful and perfect. If I didn't know anything, I'd say that Sex and the City 2 makes the Middle East, specifically Abu Dhabi, look like heaven. Just to show you how wrong the news is, I did a Google news search to see everything false that's happening there.

"Abu Dhabi Police delegation briefed on the latest crime scene training in the UK."

"Rape victims reluctant to go to the police"

"'Sex and the City' Sequel May Face Abu Dhabi Ban Amid Religion Fury."

Yes, the capitalization is inconsistent, but I just copied the headlines directly. None of these things were even hinted at in the movie, so clearly the news is full of shit and the movie is awesome. What sorts of things can you expect if you go to Abu Dhabi? Let me tell you!

1. Everyone in the Middle East is super kind, and even black market vendors have good hearts and will let you go if you don't like their goods. They might get indignant if they think you've stolen something, but that's a totally understandable source of confusion.

2. If a Muslim man makes a Paula Abdul reference, he's gay. But only if he's good looking.

3. Muslim women, although forced to wear burkas, are secretly super fashionable and wear designer clothes under their traditional garb. Yes, that's right. Muslim women spend thousands of dollars to import Dolce and Gabbana in order to secretly wear it under their burkas. Just in case you didn't hear me, Muslim women, according to Sex and the City 2, walk around in 113 degree desert temperature wearing all black burkas, which they've layered underneath with designer outfits. Somehow they manage to wear all of this fabric and not die of heat stroke. This is pretty magical, just like their magical ability to speak English out of nowhere.

Fashion Faux Pas: Just because you assume the Paula Abdul referencing Muslim is gay doesn't mean that he is. Therefore when you turn to him for some desert-sheik fashion advice, there are two possible explanations for why your outfits look like a clown's wardrobe exploded. One, he's not actually gay and therefore scientifically ineligible to give fashion advice. Two, he's gay and spiting you, because no matter who (or how oppressed), a gay will know good fashion.

This was the best I could do image wise, so hopefully you can see that they look like the dying visions of Bozo the Clown, if he had malaria.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that there have been some gripes about this portion of the review. I heard some grumblings a little while ago and let them go, but now that several people have complained to me I feel the need to say something. So I learned that Muslim women actually do wear designer clothes under their burkas. Well, I'm sorry for being so ignorant. I didn't know that. However, let me give a bit more context to help explain my incredulity.

1. It looked like the SATC girls were shopping in a really poor part of town. One vendor was missing teeth. Context clue.

2. They were saved by the Muslim women in that seemingly poor part of town. Therefore I made the assumption that the women in the poor part of town were also, themselves, poor. My b.

3. I then made the huge jump in logic to be surprised poor women spent assloads of money on nice clothes.

So, even though some rich Muslim women may wear nice things under those burkas, I still think SATC 2 is misrepresenting that part of their culture. Just a little. I mean, please leave comments to explain what else I might be missing. I would also make the logical assumption that everyone who felt the need to point out my logical fallacy actually watched SATC2, so they had the proper context to judge my comment and to make their own assertion. If someone commented without seeing the movie, well that's just silly.

Women

After some thought, no matter how horribly the gays and Muslims are treated, nobody really gets it worse than women. Approximately 85% of the audience members in my theater were ladies, a statistic I assume holds pretty well for screenings across the nation. I also observed that most of the women seemed sort of sad and single. My theory? Most of those women were huge fans of the show, since it presented single life as something that was fun, even if it went into your 30s. It legitimized waiting to get married, which gave single women hope if they weren't tied down at age 26. It also was a brilliant commentary on the single condition, starring four talented actresses.

So, I can only feel pity for the women in the theater as they watched their beloved characters turn into shrill, harpy ladies that were now sad caricatures of themselves. Let's go character by character.

Charlotte

Along with Miranda, she had perhaps one of the less offensive story lines. Charlotte was struggling with being a new mother, because her girls were quite difficult and she had a nanny that was super super hot and often went braless. Since Charlotte has always been intent on maintaing a fairy-book lifestyle, she didn't air her complaints about motherhood until well into the movie. I think having issues with motherhood is a legitimate plot. Sadly, both Charlotte and Miranda were relegated to sidekick status. Neither of their stories really had time to develop, since the movie was intent on other, inferior stories. The one thing that bothered me the most was the resolution of the nanny storyline. Oh, Charlotte! You had nothing to worry about because your nanny was a lez. No risk of your husband cheating! Heaven forbid she just be a straight lady with a conscience.

Because of the lack of plot development, I assume the lesbian reveal went something like this. (Harry is Charlotte's husband)

Harry: Oh hay baby, can I play with dem fine ole tittays? Imma smack them around all night long.

Nanny: Um, no. I'm a lesbian. Sorry.

Harry: Oh, awkward. Well hooray now I can still stay faithful to my wife! She doesn't have to worry about anything happening!!

Nanny: Wait, but you just came on to me. Like, clearly you have unfaithful thoughts that you're willing to act on. Shouldn't this be a concern for your wife? Me being a lesbian doesn't solve the problems that are within you.

Harry: MARRIAGE. SAVED. Shut up.

And scene. I mean obviously this is just a random theory, but when you drop the lez bomb out of nowhere, then I feel entitled to use my imagination to fill in the blanks. To fit with the rest of the film, I chose an explanation that eschewed story structure and logic.

Miranda

Poor Cynthia Nixon. Miranda really had no storyline. There were hints that she was being treated unfairly at her law firm, but there was absolutely no development or explanation. Naturally, Miranda used her lawyer logic to deduce that she was being mistreated because she was an outspoken WOMAN. I dunno, that seems awfully convenient. I wouldn't have minded a scene developing that, especially considering about 79% of the scenes in the ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MINUTE MOVIE were pointless. Just out of fairness, I'll list some other possible explanations for why her boss didn't like her:

1. She does sloppy work

2. She shows up late

3. She loses a majority of her cases

4. She's a bad negotiator

5. She frequently makes passive aggressive comments about being mistreated as a woman, when that's actually not the case

6. Even though her salary is probably $300,000, she gripes when her boss asks her to earn her pay by putting a few extra hours on evenings and weekends. I dunno about you, but if I were making that money and my boss asked me to write an email over the weekend (even if I were at a lavish gay wedding) I would write the fucking email. Like instantly. And then feel grateful as I drive home in my Mercedes to my Upper East Side townhouse.

You see my point. I'm willing to believe that Miranda was being mistreated due to her women-ness, but only if the movie shows it.

Samantha

Well, women over 50, clearly you have nothing to live for because you're going to dry up and be lonely forever. Samantha Jones seems to have come to this conclusion, so she spends most of the film working her hardest to stay young and beautiful. Since she bangs the hottest guy ever at the beginning of the film, clearly her strategy of taking as many vitamins and hormones as possible is working. In fact, even when she wears the same dress as Miley Cyrus to a film premiere (that she fails to pull off), her youth is maintained because Cyrus compliments her dress. Hooray! Menopause can be defeated!

OR CAN IT?!? When Samantha loses access to her vitamins in Abu Dhabi, she turns into a sweating, shriveled woman who only complains about her hot flashes. Clearly failing to take vitamins for one day would cause these consequences. To evidence how bad things have gotten for Samantha, the movie shows a scene of sweaty young men in speedos, all of whom fail to arouse Ms. Jones. Thanks, old vagina. You're useless. Luckily, Samantha meets a hot old guy.

Although the movie fails to connect the dots, I think the implication is that Samantha learns that she doesn't need to work so hard to stay young since she's found an attractive older man. However, the way it plays on screen makes it seem like this old guy just sort of plowed the menopause out of her.

Yep.

Carrie

I've saved the worst for last. Here's a picture of her out on the town:

Ok, so I recognize that it's not a legitimate film critique to call Sarah Jessica Parker ugly, even though she looks like a mixture of a horse/skeleton/vampire. Seriously, there was one close-up where she was getting ready for a date where I thought she was going to Medusa me.

Anyway, the fact that she's a big ugg-o shouldn't matter in the context of film criticism...but somehow it makes this movie even more unbelievable than it already is. Let me explain.

OH HAY, IM CARRIE LOLZ! I HAVE TWO AMAZING APARTMENTS IN NYC, A BOOK DEAL, A SUPER RICH AND SUCCESSFUL HUSBAND, AMAZING CLOTHES, GREAT FRIENDS, AND THE PERFECT LIFE. HAHAHAHAH YAYAYAYAYAY WHAT UP!!! YET IMMA COMPLAIN ABOUT MY LIFE AND HOW IM UNHAPPY ROFLCOPTER!!!! MY LIFE SUCKZORS AND I NEED TO FIX IT BECAUSE IM UNHAPPY. I DON'T LIKE STAYING IN AND I DON'T LIKE OLD MOVIES AND I DON'T LIKE PLASMA TVS AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT AND THIS MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT ME BECAUSE IM A SELFISH, NEEDY, NEUROTIC BITCH.

Yep, that's Carrie's drama in the film. She's unhappy with her paradise. To tie my two points together, if Carrie were played by a pretty actress, I'd find her complaints slightly more believable. But since she's a big fugmeister, I just wanted her to sit down and shut the fuck up. Her life is approximately 458 times better than mine. Just deal with it.

Fashion Faus Pas: HER FACE.

So overall this movie was awful. As a gay man, I don't know a lot about how women work. If SATC 2 were my guide, this is what I would have learned

1. Confident women can inspire an entire karaoke audience with a rendition of "I Am Woman," even if it's grating and off key. Even an audience in Abu Dhabi.

2. Women everywhere are obsessed with fashion, even if they live in a back corner of the Middle East.

3. When you reach a certain age, you might as well just give up because your body is going to fall apart.

4. If you cheat on your perfect husband with a guy that makes Matthew McConaughey sound brilliant, then you will be rewarded with a diamond ring from your husband after you confess your infidelity. Yeah, that actually happened.

5. Being a mother sucks, but it has some momentary joys. Fortunately, only women are affected by the pangs of parenthood because men clearly are not.

6. If ladies have gay friends, they're allowed to make insensitive comments about gays. Being associated with a gay proves you're tolerant, so you have free range with your words. Apparently we won't mind.

7. If you see a guy in Abu Dhabi that you find attractive, the sun actually heats up your vagina to the point where it sends out radiowaves to your brain that make you act crazy. Then you'll do things like forget your passport in the marketplace and not remember for days and days.

8. Did I mentioned that infidelity has no negative consequence? Yeah, I can't really emphasize that enough.

Sex and the City 2 effectively set women back thousands of years. Here's a look at women throughout history that are more effective feminists than these biyatches.

Look! She's wearing a suit of armor. This lady is going to fight in an olden timey war, which women at the time couldn't do. Trailblazer.

WELL I'LL BE DAMNED! There's a woman reading a book! Something Sex and the City 2 almost convinced me ladies couldn't do.

Yeah. Even fucking Heidi Montag gives women a better name.

Well, I can't write anymore or I will have a rage stroke. For the love of God do not see this movie. And ladies, if you bring your boyfriend, you'd better let him take a dump on your chest, because he's earned it.

Rating: 0/5 stars.

Movie Review: Robin Hood

(Picture the following in slow motion):

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

REVIEWINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

ROBINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

HOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

So, this introduction summarizes about 75% of the film. DRAMATIC BATTLE SEQUENCES!! EXTREME CLOSE UPS IN SLOW MOTION! SCREAMING!!!

It's super super super super intense, if you haven't guessed. There's just one issue. It's hard to get that invested in battle sequences when you give zero-to-few shits about the main characters. The movie doesn't do any work to establish Robin Hood or his band of merry men as figures worthy of emotional investment. Ridley Scott, surprisingly, has been very effective in this area in some of his previous films. Hell, I cared more about some of the tertiary characters in Alien than Russel Crowe's title figure. Even the biyatch that just sort of cried and screamed.

Another annoying thing is the way the movie tries to confuse you with olden-timey English language and politics. Ok, I'm sorry that I don't remember wtf was going on with France and England in the 12th century and who was king and how many evil brothers he had and which advisors were traitors. Additionally, it looks like most people in the middle ages spoke cryptically. Let me try to translate some of the movie's quotes:

Prince John: "So what would you have, a castle for every man?"

Robin Hood: "Every Englishman's home is his castle."

What. Just what. I think I sort of know what they're saying, but damnit just say it like a normal person. When the French king is asking people to speak in English for no good reason, clearly the film is pandering to it's audience. Why not clear up the bizarre English for us while you're at it? Here's my attempt at that dialog:

Prince John: "Robin Hood, stop being a bitch and tell me what you want."

Robin Hood: "I WANT YOU TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

See, that was the subtext of the earlier quotes.

THE MOVIE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THIS!

Cate Blanchett is pretty sassy as Maid Marian...or should I say Lady Marian? They changed her from the Disney version to make her more bitchy and independent, which is the current Hollywood definition of an emancipated lady. I guess I cared about her more than Robin Hood because the movie invested approximately two minutes into her development, but I certainly didn't care very much. Screenwriters, take note. Female characters cannot be both liberated and trusting of men. At first. Be sure to write it so eventually their vaginas (vaginae?) take over and they succumb to the male's charms. If a female character is introduced and immediately strikes up a rapport with a dude, she's a slut. This is movie science. Anyway, Marian is rude at first, so she must be a strong woman.

Here are the positives of the film:

1. Oscar Isaac's first scene as Prince John. Sure, he's a Guatemalan playing English royalty, but it's fine. You'll see what I mean.

2. There's a giant white horse etched into a hill. It didn't make any sense, but I was mesmerized.

3. Max von Sydow as Nottingham's lovable village elder/blind man who sees more than most other people. BLIND CHARACTERS ALWAYS METAPHORICALLY SEE BETTER!!

Here's what I was missing:

1. Nobody ever yelled YOU SHALL NOT PASS during any of the major battle sequences. Disappointing.

2. Cate Blanchett, not once, spouted off forest widsom or had an angelic glow about her.

3. Robin's group lacked a Gimli.

So what other movie, with medieval-esque battle sequences and legitimate character development, could provide those missing items? I wonder.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Movie Review: Iron Man 2

Since most of my readers are from first world countries, I assume that whoever is reading this is aware that Iron Man 2 was just released and that this was, allegedly, momentous. Well, I saw the film. I saw it at midnight. There were some children who were wearing the Iron Man mask. I saw it in IMax. I had a giant popcorn bucket. Wow I like short sentences. I admit that I have moments where I nerd out and sci-fi/action/superhero films appeal to me. So, this was the apex of nerdiness. Especially seeing the kids in masks. Then I knew I was karmically banned from sex for at least a year for accumulating a high volume of nerd points.

I would guess that my readers have already made up their minds about Iron Man 2. My opinion will probably do very little to sway things. This is good because I really don't have a strong opinion about the film. I cannot remember feeling so ambivalent after leaving a screening. Seriously, Iron Man 2 was engaging enough to hold my attention for its entire running time, but bland enough to never generate any lingering excitement. Therefore, I have made it my duty to offer some suggestions to improve Iron Man 3, because God knows that one is about as inevitable as my post Red Lobster deuce.

Suggestion 1: More Scarlett Johansson fight scenes.

Would you rather see some CGI turd man-robots fight with guns, or see Scarlett Johansson wear a body suit and beat up about fifteen armed guards using MARTIAL ARTS?!? If your answer is robots, go watch Transformers 2 and never talk to me again. Sco-Jo really kicked some butt in her one fight scene, which felt dramatically short. The audience clapped after she was done, which never happened for any of the Iron Man fights. Case closed.

Suggestion 2: Nobody gives a fuck about the imaginary science that's going on, so just leave it out.

There was this whole irrelevant storyline where Tony Stark (the main guy) had to get pallidiaminium because the current element fueling his body was galvonicating his q-cells too quickly and therefore the floconium levels in his blood were too high and he was going to die. Or something. Did this play into the main storyline? No. Did this have a socially relevant point? No. Did it serve to create any dramatic tension? No, because we knew he wouldn't die. Are any of the words in the first sentence of this section real? No.

Suggestion 3: Incorporate this guy, just because I think it would be funny.

Suggestion 4: Don't try so hard to be funny

Yes, I think humor is great and many times the movie successfully pulled it off. However, there were lots of really lame puns. Since I can't remember any of them specifically and because I'm adequate at writing bad jokes, I will simulate some of those lines here

Guy 1: Wow, looks like we made short work of these robots!

Guy 2: Yeah, looks like someone's going back to the junkyard!!! HAR HAR!

(after dousing someone with water)

Guy 1: Why did you douse me with water?!?

Guy 2: We were arguing. I thought you needed to COOL DOWN!

Hot lady: I need you to sign this form, Mr. Important.

Mr. Important: Ok, and maybe later I can sign YOUR form with my dick! And by form, I mean your vagina.

You get the point. Try harder, writers.

Suggestion 5: More nudity. But only from hot people. Mickey Rourke is not acceptable. I have no urge to see him in tighty whities again, because retaining the ability to see is important to me.

Suggestion 6: Betty White cameo. If you find someone that doesn't think favorably of Betty White, I will spend a full $10 at White Castle and eat everything I buy. You know that's a risky endeavor. And yes, I say this because I just watched the Betty White SNL. It was solid.

Suggestion 7: Arbitrarily recast the black guy role. The studio already did this in between the first two movies. Why not do it again? A good portion of white people won't even notice. I recommend Kenan Thompson.

Alright, that's all for me. I'm going to rewatch Maya Rudolph's Whitney Houston impression from SNL. SHOOP!

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

Movie Review: Nightmare on Elm Street

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and had a dish that you really liked? Duh, of course you have. So let's say, hypothetically, that you go to a Mexican restaurant and have a delicious chimichanga. Sure, it's kind of cheesy, but you appreciate the ingenious idea of deep-frying a burrito. And who are you kidding, you like the cheese too, even if it's not good for you. Then, you read in the newspaper that the restaurant is coming out with a newer, sexier, more modern version of the chimichanga. You're so excited you can barely wait to get to the restaurant. The chimichanga was so genius, how could this go wrong?!? When you go, you order the remade chimichanga, only to find that there's very little cheese and instead of being filled with grilled chicken or beef, it's filled with rotting baby diarrhea.

HEY SUCKAS, THIS IS AN ANALOGY FOR THE NEW NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET MOVIE.

Let me begin by describing why the original Nightmare on Elm Street was so ROFLawesome and then I'll talk about why the new one is terrible. The first one is great because the concept was fucking genius AND it was executed well. I mean, you have to give Wes Craven a good deal of credit for coming up with the idea of a murderer who kills people in their dreams. Everyone has nightmares! Rich people! Poor people! Stupid people! Ponies! Everyone. So immediately everyone can relate to this concept on some level. Here's how the movie brainstorming for the original went:

Wes: Hey, let's have a murderer kill people in their sleep!

Studio Dude: Wow, that's a really great idea. However, how can we make this terrifying and still have a good story structure?

Wes: Well, since the idea of a dream killer is a bit fantastical, let's have the protagonist try desperately to stay awake. As the madness of insomnia sets in, there will be a subtle uncertainty as to whether or not the events of the movie are really happening, or if they're merely a byproduct of our character's unraveling imagination. As the character deduces what is happening, we should have other tertiary characters constantly question our protagonist's sanity.

Studio Dude: Nice. Hopefully we won't have to work too hard to create a frightening atmosphere. We'll make the audience invested in our main character, so most of the fear comes from not wanting her to fall asleep. It would probably bastardize everything we've worked to build if we let this movie devolve into a lazy, one-note slasher movie, where we're interested in making loud noises to scare the audience.

Wes: Word.

Yeah, so the original Nightmare had good plot development and the movie was much more disgusting and unsettling that this new cock-show. Freddy was more interested in creating a haunting dream environment and psychologically scarring our heroes. New Freddy likes to jump out of nowhere and make noises. Not necessary.

Well, let's play out the conversation that went into planning the new Nightmare.

Exec 1: MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY I WANT MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY

Exec 2: Don't we all. How can we make it?

Exec 1: Duh let's totes remake Nightmare on Elm Street. We've remade everything else, why not remake this one.

Exec 2: Aiight, but modern audiences are more cynical. If we have a nightmarish dream murder villain, we should really spend an exorbitant amount of time trying to figure out who he is, why he is a killer, and how deeply he is connected to our main character. That way, our audience will buy it.

Exec 1: Um, that in now way explains how he's able to kill people in their dreams, just why he's a killer. I feel like you're not solving the problem.

Exec 2: MONEY.

Exec 1: SOLD. Let's do this.

Exec 2: Just to be clear, we're going to take all of the unsettling atmosphere of the original and replace it with unnecessary back story and really cheap, lazy scares.

Exec 1: Yeah, and let's not even try to get the audience to care about the characters. OOOOH ANOTHER IDEA! Let's do a dream sequence every three minutes. Scare scare scare scare scare scare. That way we won't have to hire a good plot screenwriter AND it'll make it easier to avoid character development. We can also make a lot of the dreams look just like real life, so Freddy can just pop out and scare people randomly! Fuck you, nightmare concept. Fuck you. Money.

Exec 2: In fact, let's invoke some bullshit scenario where people can dream without even falling asleep so Freddy can pop out at any time!!! Nothing that worked about the original will be in our movie!! The audience won't even care that our characters could fall asleep because THEY'RE SLEEPING ALREADY!!

I think you get my point. The new movie basically shat on everything that was good about the original, just for the sake of my money. By the way, here's the Elm Street Poster:

Rating: 1.5/5 stars

Pitch Idea: KNIFE LAW

Alright, today I had the inspiration for a new blog segment. Clearly I am obsessed with music/TV/movies, so naturally I have aspirations to create my own music/TV/movies. To get my budding Hollywood career off the ground, I will start by pitching some of my concepts here on the blog. My first idea (this is a real winner, let me tell you) is a crime movie called Knife Law. I definitely have to give credit to my friend Julia, who is equally (if not more) responsible for these brilliant, Oscar-worthy ideas.

Here's the brief plot synopsis:

Terrence Knife is a bad-ass New York City cop, who plays by his own rules. Aided by his team of rule-bending law-enforcers, he scours the city for crime and eliminates it using his weapon of choice: a knife. When a criminal mastermind kidnaps one of his teammates, Knife will stop at nothing to gain back his lost ally. With the help of his team, the sassy chief of police, and his mysterious and sexy ex-wife, Knife will overcome the demons of his past and stop at nothing to defeat his most difficult adversary yet.

ARE YOU PEEING YOURSELF YET?!?!?!?!? CAN'T YOU SEE THE MOVIE POSTER TAGLINES NOW?!?!?!?

"KNIFE LAW: This is what happens when you bring a knife to a gunfight!"

"KNIFE LAW: All is fair in love and knife-war."

"KNIFE LAW: Time to cut evil's cake."

Wait for it, there will be more ideas later in this post. Let me introduce you to the cast of characters:

Terrence Knife

He is the hero of our story. Although he's abrasive, he always follows his own moral code which he calls, "Knife Law." He's a tough, bitter man, still hurting from the disappearance of his son long ago. He is the only man in the history of Weapon's Academy to graduate valedictorian with a focus in knife work, which is a skill he developed after traumatic childhood incidents impeded him from using forks and spoons. He loves his team, but often butts heads with the chief of his department. He is very well trained with all bladed weapons, but vehemently refuses to wield a sword. As we learn later, the only mistake he's ever made was hunting a criminal with a sword, because he accidentally killed a young boy in the process.

Machete

She is Knife's ex-wife and the mother of his presumably dead child. She still resents Knife for neglecting her after their son's disappearance. After too many nights of neglect, she walked out on Knife and accused him of being married to his work. Now, loneliness and bitterness have made her a tough, resentful person. Nevertheless, she is one of the most skilled machete-wielders alive and has managed to maintain her ability throughout the years. She is also inexplicably much younger than Knife, even though most of the story suggests they've known each other for almost all of their lives. She will be played by an incredibly hot actress.

Gunnar McRifleton

Gunnar was Knife's roommate at Weapon's Academy. He constantly resented Knife's ability to outscore him, even when Gunnar was using a gun and Knife was only using a knife. As it turns out, Gunnar's son was the boy Knife killed with the sword, which caused Gunnar to go insane. He has spent his time in isolation, plotting the perfect revenge against Knife...a revenge he is finally ready to put into action.

Shiv

Shiv is completely a brilliant, but physically weak member of Knife's team. His gift is being able to fashion a bladed weapon out of anything nearby. Shiv's brilliance is essential to Gunnar's diabolical scheme, so he is kidnapped very early on in the story. Shiv is easily terrified, but is incredibly loyal to Knife since Knife is a father figured to the orphaned Shiv. Shiv's past will be explored more thoroughly in the sequel, "Knife Law 2: Slice of Hell"

Ivan the Impaler

Ivan is a man of few words, but is incredibly strong. He wields a broadsword, which makes Knife a bit uncomfortable around him. Ivan has also proven his strength and loyalty many times, but it seems as if he has a past that still haunts him. This, again, is sequel material.

Lil'Stabby

A diminutive, smacktalking man is saved from the streets and joins the crew. Although he initially has problems controlling his urge to stab everything, he eventually learns to control his impulses and, mostly, only stabs what Knife tells him to. His broad experiences on the streets equip him to make several sassy one-liners and he often keeps things "real."

K-Knife

K-Knife is Knife's canine companion, a Doberman equipped with the ability to stab. K-Knife frequently comes with the team on expeditions, but often is Knife's only companion at home. Although they are tough on the streets, K-Knife and and Knife are very good friends back in Knife's studio apartment. K-Knife and Lil'Stabby initially do not get along very well, but a friendship is forged by the end of the film.

Sassy McHatter

Sassy is the chief-of-police, a woman who has known Knife for a very long time. Although she often receives flack for the way she lets Knife enforce the law, she knows the burden he is carrying and often shows him more compassion than he deserves when it comes to work. She knows he works with a team of vigilantes, but looks the other way because he produces results.

Grenade

Gunnar's mysterious right-hand man/lady. He/she constantly shows up to sabotage our heroes with his/her explosives, which makes him/her a very dangerous foe. His/her true identity will be revealed in the movie's final act.

So, I think it's only appropriate that each of the main characters gets his or her own poster.

"Knife: When he finds the deck stacked against him, he SLICES THROUGH IT!"

"Machete: She'll cook you up a pot of BLEEDING DEATH."

"K-Knife. Who needs just a K-9 when you can have K-KNIFE?"

"Gunnar: "Why shoot the moon when he can just shoot your face?"

"Ivan the Impaler: Ivan stab. You die."

"Shiv: I saw the knife in the marble and I carved until I set it free."

Yes, I could do this all day.

OMG the best part is the plot. Check this out, bullet points style

• We're introduced to our heroes at the beginning of the film, minus Machete and Lil'Stabby (they come in later). We seem them seamlessly stop crime.
• Shiv is kidnapped by a mysterious figure.
• Knife and crew look for Shiv, but don't have any leads. In this scene we discover Knife's resistance to swords but not the reason why.
• Character building scene with Knife and K-Knife at home, where we discover how alone they both are.
• Meanwhile, Shiv is being tortured for information by none other than Gunnar, Knife's former classmate.
• While on the streets, Ivan is cornered by a group of thugs and is rescued by a foulmouthed hobo--Lil'Stabby.
• Ivan brings Lil'Stabby back to headquarters, where Sassy and Knife fight over Stabby's future. Eventually, Knife wins and Lil'Stabby joins the team. K-Knife is jealous.
• More torture/plot development with Shiv and Gunnar. We learn about Gunnar and Knife's time at Weapon's Academy and Gunnar's jealousy.
• Knife comes to work to discover a woman meeting with Sassy. When she leaves, he realizes it's Machete and they talk. She makes several comments about how he's dedicated to work and doesn't have time for anything else. Sassy refuses to divulge the purpose of Machete's visit and we also discover that Machete is Knife's ex-wife.
• Knife begins training Lil'Stabby to control his violent instincts. Although Lil'Stabby's heart is in the right place, he just can't seem to get the hang of it. K-Knife isn't pleased.
• Knife sends Ivan to get more training materials for Lil'Stabby, when Grenade attacks him. Although Ivan manages to escape, Grenade leaves a clue that he is aware of Shiv's whereabouts. Also, based on this scene, the audience can deduce that Grenade was the one who kidnapped Shiv in the opening of the film.
• While examining the scene of the Grenade attack, Knife and crew are attacked by the same gang from the beginning of the film. Without Shiv, the group's chemistry seems to be off and they begin to fear that they might be killed. Luckily, Machete comes in to save the day and scares of the criminals. She was back for another meeting with Sassy, but saw them in trouble and helped. Although Machete is still closed off and antagonistic towards Knife, her fighting clearly helped complete the group.
• At home, Knife watches home movies and breaks down. You can see from this movies that he had a son named Cutlery who has been gone for a long time. K-Knife is there for Knife.
• Cut to Shiv and Gunnar. We learn that Gunnar's diabolical scheme is to create a gun that shoots knives and he needs Shiv to create the knife bullets.
• Training Lil'Stabby is progressing. Knife seems frustrated, but in this session Lil'Stabby finally has a breakthrough. It seems that Lil'Stabby has finally managed to control himself with knives. Eager and excited, he asks for sword training and Knife freaks out. He leaves and Sassy, who has been watching from the background, reveals that Knife accidentally killed a boy with a sword while pursuing a criminal. This was right before Cutlery went missing, so he feels like his son's death was karmic justice for accidentally killing another boy. In essence, he blames himself for the death of both boys. Machete is also there for another meeting, and you can see that she was moved by Knife's reaction.
• Knife is outside headquarters and Machete comes to talk to him. She says that she forgives him for leaving her and that although things grew apart and he left her lonely, she understands that things are hard for him. Here is where we learn that Machete is Cutlery's mother. Knife and Machete end up doing the nasty and then Machete feels guilty and leaves immediately after.
• At home, Knife and K-Knife are enjoying a peaceful evening before they are attacked by Grenade. Again, Grenade leaves a clue. This time, it's a picture of Machete at home, clearly taken by someone she doesn't notice. Knife deduces that this means Machete is in danger, so he and K-Knife rush off to warn her.
• When they arrive, Machete's house is destroyed in an explosion. Knife breaks down again.
• At work, the crew learns about what happened and Lil'Stabby manages to set aside his smacktalking ways and actually consoles Knife. K-Knife is moved by this gesture, but returns to glaring when Lil'Stabby looks at him, because tough-ass dogs don't like to look vulnerable.
• Then a ragged looking Machete enters. It turns out she escaped the blast AND managed to track Grenade back to Gunnar's hideout at Death Tower (the nickname for an abandoned building in the bad part of town)
• She reveals that she has been working with Sassy to help stop Gunnar, but didn't want to involve Knife because of a secret she found out.
• Immediately cut to Shiv and Gunnar. Gunnar cranks up the torture to a whole new level and Shiv finally caves. Once that happens, Gunnar reveals the depth of his hatred for Knife. The little boy that Knife killed with the sword was actually Gunner's son. Shiv begins to create the knife bullets.
• We cut back to our heroes (that was Machete's secret).
• United, our group goes to Death Tower to stop Gunnar.
• After defeating many henchmen in awesome battle scenes, our group gets separated. Knife and Machete are split from Ivan, K-Knife, and Lil'Stabby.
• Ivan's group comes across Shiv, who is unconscious but still alive. After they revive him, he apologizes for finishing the knife bullets. Lil'Stabby struggles to resist stabbing Shiv (because he is a stranger) and K-Knife helps him. This moment of camraderie moves Lil'Stabby and he complete overcomes his urge to stab indiscriminately, forever controlling this instinct. It also seems that the earlier tension between Lil'Stabby and K-Knife has subsided
• Meanwhile, Machete and Knife are attacked by Grenade in a large, dramatic room with several statues and coats of armor. During the fight, Machete is knocked unconscious. Angered by this, Knife gives everything he has into one final attack, and manages to stab the shit out of Grenade. Before Knife delivers the coup de grace, Gunnar appears, laughing.
• Like most evil villains, Gunnar chooses to reveal all of the important plot points. He talks about kidnapping Shiv, creating the gun that shoots knives, and his vendatta regarding Knife killing his son. However, the biggest twist comes here! Gunnar reveals that he kidnapped Cutlery and raised him as his own. In that moment, Knife realizes that Grenade is his lost son and he just stabbed the shit out of him. It seems that Grenade/Cutlery is now unconscious and almost dead.
• Gunnar activates the building's self-destruct sequence, which totally makes sense to exist for a building. He and Gunnar fight, but Gunnar clearly has the upper hand with his knife bullets. Knocked into a corner, Gunnar is about to finish Knife when Knife notices that one of the coats of armor is still holding a large sword. Although a moment of hesitation flashes in his eyes, he picks up the sword and fights back. In a rage, he attacks Gunnar and mercilessly kills him, chopping of his head/limbs, etc.
• Knife then realizes he has only three minutes to escape the building. Both Machete and Cutlery are injured and need help moving. He realizes he can only save one of them in time. Cutlery comes to and tells Knife that he forgives him for everything and loves him. He also says that he needs to pay for the evil things he did with Gunnar and that Knife should save Machete. Although Knife is sure he can save both, his attempts fail. At Cutlery's tearful request, he leaves him in the room and saves Machete.
• We next see the building destroyed and the rest of the crew is outside. A haggard looking Knife comes, with Machete.
• A week later, Knife visits Cutlery's tombstone. While he's there, Machete comes to join him. After a moment of silence, she asks if they found Cutlery's body. Knife says no, but there's no way he could have survived that explosion. Machete looks sad, but tells Knife he did everything he could. She also reveals that Sassy has given her a job on the force and she'll be joining Knife's team. They kiss briefly, and then notice something suspicious. One of the pins from a grenade is on the tombstone. Perhaps Cutlery is still alive...

END!

Hey Oscars, here I come. This movie has everything. Sex. Action. Smack-talking short people. A dog with a knife taped to its head. Tears. Laughter. Everybody will want to see it.

Buy your tickets now.

Rating: 5/5 stars.

Movie Review: Date Night

Alright, so here is my first attempt at "rant reviewing." Whatever that means. Unfortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, which means that anyone who doesn't watch 30 Rock will have to suffer through several highly sophisticated and artsy references to that show. Fortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, who (along with Steve Carrell) is the only thing that prevents this dung pile from being complete and utter cinematic diarrhea. I'm talking KFC Double Down diarrhea. It's that bad.

Here's what I don't like about this movie:

1. It's rarely funny

2. The script sucks

3. There is a correlation between my first two points

4. Most of the acting is terrible

5. The end credits feature outtakes, which if strung together for 90 minutes, would have made a better movie

6. Not once does anyone make a Mean Girls reference

7. I had to babysit my super drunk friend, who promised he wouldn't fall asleep, and then was unable to stay awake. Also, I had to pee for a good thirty minute time span towards the end.

8. It made me miss Baby Mama. Yeah. I said it.

9. As I said in my last post, I'm on steroids for a chest infection so everything makes RIHA SMASH. Had I started my steroid treatment when I saw the movie? No. Does that belittle my point? DOES MY FIST BELITTLE YOUR FACE?

10. I would rather experience the menstrual cycle than rewatch that movie. I'm talking heavy flow, wide-set vagina, jumbo tampons flow. AT LEAST SOMEBODY MADE A MEAN GIRLS REFERENCE.

Phew. I'll knock off the all caps. Sorry, roids rager. It happens. I'm going to be sad when that's no longer a scapegoat for my bad behavior.

I suppose the best thing about the film was that there was a trailer for Sex and the City 2, which set the bar for mindless garbage unbelievable low. Like, Verna low. OH THAT'S 30 ROCK FOR YOU, BY THE WAY. Yes, I already broke my all caps promise. Anyway, compared to the promise of Sex and the City 2, Date Night looks like friggin' Casablanca. Still, this movie isn't worth your time, unless you really, really, really, really like the leads. They're the only mildly redeeming factors.

Also, this movie is super depressing. Someday, I would like to settle down with a mildly attractive gentleman who can handle the crazy soup I'm ladling him, start a family, and live as a passive aggressive house husband. This movie makes it look like anyone who's married for more than ten years turns into a robot with no joy whatsoever. Apparently the only cure for this terrible rut is a plot so ludicrous that Fox Mulder would have his doubts. Old school with that one, I realize. I just want a nice house, a man that is always into me no matter what, and children who grow up in a world where passing gas is socially acceptable. Is that so much to ask?

Additionally, WTF with the guest stars?!? This isn't Valentine's Day. You don't need to cast famous people just to build an audience. Perhaps that money could have gone towards script revisions or a Taco Bell product placement, so at least I would have been motivated to eat something delicious after the movie. Oh, and someone in my group confused Viola Davis and Taranji P. Henson and IT WASN'T ME. I need to stop using caps right now, what the what.

Date Night: 1.5/5 stars

Top 10 Movies of the Decade

So, I'm still catching up on Oscar season. Ergo, my Top 10 Films of 2009 will have to wait a month or so. But I can safely say that the following ten films are my favorites from this decade. Again, there won't be lengthy analysis. Two apps down, two to go!

10. Mean Girls

I had to pick one teen/romantic(ish) comedy. Go ahead, name a better one from the past ten years.

9. The Dark Knight

Superheros were a big thing this decade. This movie was the biggest and best of them all. Pure movie entertainment at its finest.

8. Chicago

There were a lot of musicals released this decade, but only two had a chance to make my list: Moulin Rouge and Chicago. Although I love Rouge for its whimsy and romanticism, the topicality of Chicago is brilliant. Today's fame whoring culture is a direct reflection of the world created in Chicago.

7. Wall-E

A lot of lists disagree on the best Pixar movie of the decade. I think that speaks to the quality of the studio. I choose Wall-E. Not only does it have the heart of other Pixar movies, but its topical message of environmentalism and the poetic opening 30 minutes give this movie the edge.

6. Kill Bill

Yes, I'm listing them as one movie. I feel like I can do this because that was Tarantino's original intention. Wild, fun, horrifying, violent, tender, and everything in between. Objectively, I would give this spot to Vol. 2. But Vol. 1 is much more fun, so I'll keep them paired together.

5. There Will Be Blood

Although I didn't appreciate it initially, time has been very good to this film. Definitely the most interesting character study I've seen. Plus, it would win my own personal award for best score and best performance of this decade.

4. Brokeback Mountain

The heartbreaking love story of the decade. Incredible cinematography, a wonderful script, and excellent performances. I'm still pissed Michelle Williams didn't win an Oscar.

3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Although the ending is drawn out, this is the perfect conclusion to an incredible movie trilogy. Epic in every sense of the word.

2. Requiem for a Dream

You only need to see this movie once, but it haunts you forever.

1. Pan's Labyrinth

A dark, fantasy piece set inside a child's imagination. Or is it? Visually stunning, brilliantly acted, and incredibly powerful. On a side note, it's a terrible date movie. Trust me.

Movie Review: The Blind Side

Maybe you can blame All About Steve for this, but I did not expect The Blind Side to work. From the previews, it looked like Sandra Bullock was putting on a cheesy accent and starring in another chick flick. Yawn. Yet, when push came to shove, positive reviews and good word-of-mouth convinced me that maybe this movie was worth watching. So, instead of seeing the depressing story of a black teenager forgotten by society (Precious), I opted for the wholly uplifting story of a black teenager forgotten by society. Let me say, you’d have to be one of the most cynical people alive to leave The Blind Side unaffected. It’s a charming movie that defies expectations and gives Sandra Bullock the chance to shine. And boy, does she shine.

Based on the second sentence of this review, you’ve hopefully deduced that The Blind Side is not a traditional chick flick. Rather, it is a sports biopic that has more in common with Remember the Titans than The Family Stone (ok, I had a hard time thinking of a reasonable chick flick parallel…but that further proves my point that this is not a chick flick). The movie centers on Leigh Anne Tuohy, played with grit and charm by Bullock, and Michael Oher, played by newcomer Quinton Aaron. Leigh Anne is a socialite who takes Michael under her wing after she sees him walking home alone in the freezing cold. Michael has just entered into a new school, but shuts himself off from those around him. Per usual, I won’t go much further into the plot, but the core of the film is the relationship between Leigh Anne and Michael, and director John Lee Hancock plays it out beautifully.

My biggest gripe with the movie is its tendency to play things a little bit too optimistically. Michael’s troubles are not substantially delved into and any of the challenges that the family faces are overcome easily and without a great deal of sacrifice. The family’s immediate acceptance of Michael is believable given the performances and script, but since this is based on a true story I wonder if the reality of the situation was a bit more difficult. This movie was built for the holiday season, so I suppose imposing a bit of the Hollywood formula is to be expected.

All that being said, the film is amazingly inspirational. Not only is Michael’s journey out of poverty very motivational, but also Leigh Anne’s commitment to Michael shows a strength of character that should inspire many people to be generous this winter. Bullock really does a wonderful job making Leigh Anne seem like a real person. For the first time in her career, I forgot that I was watching Sandra Bullock. Not all the time, mind you, but there were moments. An Oscar nomination might be too much to ask for, but I think she deserves all of the critical attention she has received thus far. Aaron also does a nice job with Michael. He plays him very reserved, a gentle giant of sorts. But he opens up as the film goes on and Aaron makes his character changes seem very believable. Finally, it was a treat seeing Kathy Bates appear towards the end of the film in a small, but important role.

So, go see The Blind Side. I think movie criticism these days has veered towards rewarding films that are particularly artistic or inventive. Perhaps The Blind Side sticks with convention for most of the film, but it is convention executed in the most effective manner. It reminded me that a predictable film can still soar if it is filled with wit, charm, and good performances.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Movie Review: Zombieland

Movie Review: Zombieland

Woody Harrelson’s character in Zombieland, a man that goes by Tallahassee, is pretty simple minded. He likes to enjoy the little things in life, whether it’s driving a Cadillac, eating a Twinkie, or railing on a ravenous zombie with a banjo. Much like Tallahassee, Zombieland doesn’t have a whole lot of substance. However, again drawing a comparison with Harrelson’s character, that shouldn’t suggest that Zombieland isn’t a great deal of fun and a thoroughly entertaining movie. It is, simply said.

All that considered, Tallahassee is not the film’s main protagonist. It’s a young boy named Columbus, (played by Jesse Eisenberg, doing his best Michael Cera impression) who has learned to survive on his own by being extremely paranoid and self-dependent. A classic movie nerd, Columbus has had limited and awkward experiences with girls and does not show a great deal of self-confidence. Enter the supremely confident Tallahassee. You can probably guess how their relationship develops. Then two badass sisters, Wichita and Little Rock, (played respectively by super hot Emma Stone and super young Abigail Breslin) show up and serve to further develop Eisenberg’s character.

The plot isn’t terribly unique. Based on those previous character descriptions, you can figure out how things develop. Rather, the plot fills in gaps between the movie’s main draw: killing zombies. Yes, as you can probably guess, Zombieland is a fanboy’s fantasia—a symphony of blood, guts, and violence, all executed with a comedic tone. Hedge clippers, sledgehammers, and even pianos play a part in defeating zombies. The overly theatrical violence evokes feelings of Tarantino in some brief instances. Now, comparing Zombieland to a Tarantino is probably blasphemous, but the treatment of violence is definitely comparable. For a movie that could be rife with suspenseful scenes, Zombieland tends to avoid those moments and is more content as a grotesque comedy. To that end, the movie succeeds remarkably. The laughs come frequently and the violence is disgustingly hilarious. The movie certainly delivers on its promise.

So, if you’re looking for two hours of fun, zombie killing, and an unexpected (yet brilliant) celebrity cameo, Zombieland is the film for you. If you’re hoping for something else (I don’t know why you would be), then go next door and watch The Invention of Lying. From this reviewer’s perspective, Zombieland is a riot even if it doesn’t have much of a message. But to be fair, I didn’t really think I’d be getting one. It’s that simple.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Movie Review: Jennifer's Body

With all that could have gone right, where did Jennifer’s Body go so wrong? I mean, the movie had so much going for it: A script by Diablo Cody, a role that Megan Fox was born to play, and rising star Amanda Seyfried. When the red band trailer came out, the movie looked incredibly promising. It seemed to be a dark comedy of epic proportions, ripe with catty dialogue and biting social commentary. Then the theatrical trailer was released and I began to worry. You see, the new trailer played the movie off like a horror film. Unfortunately, my instincts proved to be accurate. Jennifer’s Body should not be a fright flick and its biggest downfall is the way it amateurishly adheres to some of the conventions of horror movies. Granted, the desired dialogue and commentary is there on a basic level, but the movie tries too hard to be too many things all at one and falls short on every front.

Let’s start with the good. Overall, the movie has some funny moments. Many of Megan Fox’s lines are priceless. Her character, the titular Jennifer, is crass and offensive without any regard to those around her. Many of the moments with her and Needy (Seyfried’s character) at school showcase Cody’s penchant for dialogue. Additionally, I do think the movie manages to strike some chords/universal truths with its messages…youths are desensitized to violence, some people will pay any price for fame, female empowerment, etc. Blah blah blah. I just can’t help rolling my eyes because these themes are presented without any subtlety and yet manage to have very little impact. I think the reason for that comes from the biggest flaw with the film. Without further ado, see the next paragraph!

Wow! Diablo Cody may be able to write dialogue, but homegirl really needs to work on her storytelling abilities. There is absolutely no suspense in the movie because you immediately realize who’s behind all of the killings. One would think that revealing the killer so early on would make the movie about, oh I don’t know, the comedy and commentary. Yet, the film still tries for suspense and unsurprisingly fails. Hell, the first scene of the movie gives away the ending. Yep, most of the movie is a flashback. NO SUSPENSE!!! There’s no terror! This movie could have easily ramped up the tension and fright if it so desired. Also, Ms. Cody, if you’re reaching for social commentary, try further explaining Jennifer. It’s never clear whether or not her actions are motivated by her or the demon within. Is she trying to expressing her teenage desires with the strength and brutality of a monster, or is the monster controlling her? That would have been nice to know. Also, Needy’s transformation seemed a bit abrupt and underdeveloped. Just saying.

The real bottom line is that I was entertained. However, I couldn’t decide if I was laughing at the movie or laughing with it. In some instances, the dialogue is so over-the-top it seems unintentionally hilarious. I think the movie would have been best served to reject all horror movie conventions and play all of the scenes in a comedic manner. Perhaps Cody set out to create a camp classic. Perhaps she succeeded. However, the muddling mess of a story makes me think that Juno was a fluke and we might have a one-hit wonder on our hands. Did screenwriting kill the Megan Fox star?

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

Movie Review: Inglourious Basterds

Requester: JGM

So, Inglourious Basterds reminded me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. How, you say? Easy. If you draw a parallel between Quentin Tarantino’s body of work to the entire run of Buffy, Inglourious Basterds is like the sixth and seventh season of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s magnum opus. Although those seasons were stronger than most everything else on television, they didn’t quite compare to Buffy’s earlier (and superior) offerings. I suppose that’s just an elaborate way to say that I didn’t think Inglourious Basterds was quite as good as Taratino’s other films (Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction in particular), but it was still one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while. However, I’ll use any excuse to make a Buffy reference. Deal with it.

Before I get into my justifications, let me quickly describe the plot for those who haven’t seen the film. Essentially, Inglourious Basterds is a film that serves as a vehicle to punish Nazis. The Basterds are a group of Jews led by Brad Pitt that capture Nazis, torture them, and kill them. Another plot line involves Shoshanna, a Jewish girl who escaped slaughter at the hands of Hans Landa, played brilliantly by Christoph Waltz. She plots revenge against the Nazis. Finally, the British are also trying to take down the Nazis. Got all that? Basically, all of these plots to eliminate Nazis culminate in a final showdown at Shoshanna’s theater. Phew. Let’s move on.

In typical Tarantino fashion, the movie juggles outlandish violence with long scenes of dialogue. Tarantino is famous for his banter, so most scenes are particularly effective. There are two notable scenes with Waltz that are unbearable tense and brilliant. However, the pacing of the violence and dialogue is slightly uneven. There are long scenes involving Shoshanna and an unwitting Nazi soldier that do not hold up to Tarantino’s usual standard of excellence. The entire development of the film is back-to-back dialogue, from the last scene of the Basterd’s brutality until a stunning scene set in a bar basement. More effective Tarantino films have played with the temporal order of the movie to create a more even sense of pace. Part of me wishes he had employed that here.

As for the plot, it really just serves to set up the grand finale, which is a smorgasbord of brutality. The last chapter of the movie is exciting, suspenseful, tragic, funny, and very bloody. However, I did have a moral qualm with the ending. I really do not want to spoil anything, so let me just say this. Tarantino, especially in the past, has very successfully established the moral compass of his characters. In situations of extreme violence, the perpetrator is either someone very evil or something very justified in doing something outlandish. However, in Inglourious Basterds, there was a great deal of carnage that I didn’t quite find necessary. I cannot say more without feeling like I’m giving too much away. If you want to see a Tarantino movie that is all build-up to a huge payoff, check out Death Proof. Somehow (for me) three girls in a Dodge Challenger facing off against Kurt Russell provided more catharsis than all of the slaughter at the end of Inglourious Basterds.

So, the movie builds up to the final act. Perhaps, to some, the long stretches of dialogue were necessary or consistently enjoyable. However, I found a few scenes to be excessive. Perhaps a more morally digestible ending would have made the lead-up seem more appropriate. It’s hard to say. The bottom line is that Inglourious Basterds is extremely well-shot, acted, and directed. The dialogue is generally excellent and the movie provides a satisfying experience. However, I expect more from Tarantino because I know he’s capable of slightly better. I left the theater content, but not exhilarated. Things were better when Uma Thurman was involved. Do you think that’s an appropriate parallel for David Boreanaz?

Rating: 4/5 stars

Movie Review: Ponyo

Requester: Just me. I went to a kid’s movie alone. Put down the haterade.

I have a confession. I missed the first few minutes of this film. I caught only about twenty seconds of the first scene before the opening credits began. However, those twenty seconds were enough to convince me that I was in for a visually stunning and emotionally satisfying experience. Ponyo is a great movie for both young children and cynical adults because it taps into human emotion more honestly and purely than most American movies today. I’m a snarky old dude, and even I couldn’t resist this movie’s charms.

So, go see this movie. There are several compelling reasons you should do so. If the plethora of quality voice actors does not convince you this film is special, I don’t know what will. Characters in the film are voiced by Tina Fey, Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Liam Neesen, Betty White, and Lily Tomlin (to name a few). It would be a miracle to get such a group together for a live action film, let alone the dubbing of a Japanese family movie. Granted, this is a Hayao Miyazaki feature. For the uneducated, Miyazaki is one of the most beloved filmmakers in Japan. He has helmed My Neighbor Totoro (who’s bigger than Mickey Mouse in Japan), Princess Mononoke, Kiki’s Delivery Service, and the Academy Award winning Spirited Away. I think Miyazaki was enough of a draw for Fey and company.

However, even if this movie were voiced by crack addicts behind a McDonalds, I think it would still be worth seeing. As with the Miyazaki movies I’ve seen, the movie is driven more by human emotions and experiences than an intricate plot. Without saying too much about the story (you all should know how I hate that by now), know that Ponyo is a fish that wants to become a human because she has fallen in love with a boy named Sosuke. Most of the really beautiful sequences involve Ponyo discovering the joys of living on land or Sosuke interacting with his parents and the local elderly. There’s a particularly funny and touching scene where Sosuke talks to his father using Morse code. You really have to experience it to appreciate it.

The animation is gorgeous. There’s a very impressive storm sequence and the introduction of Ponyo’s mother, Granmammare, is stunning. It’s really easy see that every frame was lovingly constructed. My only small gripe comes from what I assume is a cultural difference. I found the pacing of the movie to be a bit uneven and the ending seemed a bit rushed. After some thought, however, I realized that perhaps the plot did not require a thorough conclusion. As an American audience member, I think I expect every detail to be explained and that all questions need to be answered by the time the credits roll. By rushing the ending and drawing out the development, Miyazaki spent most of the film focusing on the things I enjoyed the most (the aforementioned interactions). So, maybe Miyazaki’s priorities are better than mine. I’m willing to admit that.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Movie Review: District 9

Requester: ALR

An interesting thing happened while I was watching District 9. A gentleman in the theater got up, walked into the aisle, and vomited. Although my initial reaction to the incident was disgust, the seeping pile of he-sick reminded me of something else. Allegedly, during initial screenings of the movie Alien, audience members threw up due to the intensity of a certain scene. Clearly Alien is now considered a classic of the science fiction genre—a film with a widespread and significant cultural influence. Well, the puke parallel made me wonder if District 9 will reach Alien’s level of fame. It’s hard to say now, but District 9 definitely makes a powerful case for itself.

I’m not a huge fan of describing plots in my reviews. However, sometimes it’s impossible to articulate certain points without giving concrete examples from the film. In the case of District 9, I think it’s really important to go into the film without expectations and with a fairly strong stomach. The movie is not particularly violent. However, District 9 does manage to capture the most deplorable acts of humanity with striking clarity—something that might be tough to handle. The one thing I’ll say about the plot is that aliens land on earth in South Africa and are quickly treated like refugees. A thinly veiled metaphor, at best. Thin, but powerful.

In a typical review, I would sit and nit-pick specific elements of the movie. With District 9, I could say how I thought the ending should have been modified or that certain characters seemed thin and potentially offensive. However, I feel like these are moot points. The bottom line is that this movie left me with such a profound sense of despair and sorrow for the state of our species that I wept. Granted, it was just for a moment, but I shed tears during the film out of my frustration with the alien’s situation. When a film achieves such an emotional reaction, I can only sit here and beg people to go see it.

So, see District 9. I apologize for the vague and humorless review, but I feel that’s the only way I can comment on this movie without selfishly altering the experience for others.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Movie Review: Julie and Julia

Requester: ALR

One word of advice. If you go see Julie and Julia, make sure to have something to munch on during the movie. From the moment Meryl Streep begins eating as the deliciously whimsical Julia Child, your taste buds will burn for what’s on the screen. Aside from nailing the signature Julia Child accent, Streep also seems to tap into the essence of Julia Child—she captures the joy and sense of fulfillment that Child experienced while cooking. Watching Streep act in this film is a true joy and definitely makes the movie worth the price of admission. The journey of Julia Child from frustrated housewife to published author is a heartwarming, funny tale brilliantly acted by Streep with support from Stanely Tucci as Child’s devoted husband. As an added bonus, the film is pretty much an advertisement for Child’s book. I’m already thinking about how I can add more of Julia Child’s cooking to my daily regime. Beef Bourguignon, here I come.

Unfortunately (or better said, less fortunately), there’s another tale being told here. Amy Adams plays Julie Powell, a frustrated employee of the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation. In order to add some meaning to her life, she decides to cook her way through Julia Child’s iconic work, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. 524 recipes. 365 days. Whereas Child’s half of the story is filled with nuance, humor, and passion, Powell’s journey is overstuffed with obvious metaphor, platitudinous dialogue, and the story is sadly undercooked (COOKING PUNS FOR EVERYONE). I do not attribute this to the actors. Adams is perfectly charming as Julie and Chris Messina is endearing as Powell’s husband. Rather, Powell’s background is poorly explained. The movie seems to fast forward through her decision to write this blog. Instead of focusing on what makes Powell tick—why is she so drawn to Child, what specifically makes her want to cook, what exactly happened with her previous writing experiences—the movie glosses over these points with just a line or two. Then, we’re left with a slightly neurotic woman who makes awkward proclamations about how much she loves Julia Child. It all seemed odd to me, but would have easily been fine with more exposition.

To that end, I spent half of the movie enjoying Julia Child and the other half wishing Julia would come back. I remember sighing and groaning when the movie made match-on-action cuts from Julia’s bed sheet to Julie’s bed sheet and I realized I was no longer with Streep. Oh, by the way, the matching sheets are a metaphor. The film makes it extremely obvious that Julie feels she has a connection with Child. I’m going to say something that might seem edgy, but I have to. I think the film might have hammered the metaphor in a bit too hard. I guess they wanted to make sure that any infants in the audience got the message.

I acknowledge that this review, up until this point, has seemed overly negative. However, (as you may realize now) I get really frustrated when good pieces of entertainment make small mistakes that prevent them from being amazing. Overall, Julie and Julia is a very enjoyable film and it has many humorous moments. I may seem hard on the Julie storyline, but it is not as dreary as I make it sound. It has many charming moments and the acting is quite good. Nevertheless, it has the distinct misfortune of being paired alongside a very strong, heartwarming story with Meryl Streep at the helm. I will be as bold as to say that these stories do need each other to function. An entire Julia Child biopic may have not been as successful as Julie and Julia. However, when I feel like one story line makes me groan and the other makes me giggle, I’m dealing with an uneven project. They probably could have let Julie’s story bake a little longer. OBVIOUS PUN!

Rating: 3.5/5 stars