TV Review: Top Model All Stars

Once and a while, baby Jesus gives you a gift so precious and wonderful that you almost can't believe it's happening. The All Star Cycle of Top Model is such a gift.

I can summarize this cycle in one picture:

The above actually happened this cycle. Tonight is the finale, so hopefully something epic happens. If my favorite doesn't win, expect a tantrum post about the show.

OH! There's an episode where they write their own songs and do music videos. If you need more incentive to check out this cycle, watch this.

Rating: 5/5. For sheer entertainment value.

TV Review: X Factor

I pretty much start every post with an apology about a delay in posting. At this point it's just sad to think that :

1. I'll ever be able to post as much as I did when I worked for my university.
2. I'm deluding myself into thinking I feel bad about this. Ok, maybe a little bad. Wait, no. That was the delusion again.

So anyway, given my affinity for reality television, washed up has-beens making a comeback, talentless assholes being given more credit than they deserve, and chair dancing, I decided to watch the X Factor. And I knew I was going to get what I want just from the judging panel. PS if it weren't clear, Nicole is the asshole. More on that waste of human garbage in a second.

The premise of the show is simple. American Idol+Performance Production Value+Judge Mentorship-Hosting Ability-Age restrictions=X Factor. Contestants perform each week with guidance from one of the judges, the public votes, and then the bottom two sing for their lives and the judges decide who goes home. The decision regarding who to send home is usually based on wildly inconsistent criteria. Frequently vocal talent isn't part of the criteria.

Let's recap who the judges are:

SIMON COWELL

Brit extraordinaire. Known for harsh judgments, v-neck shirts, and man boobs. He's on the far left I think.

LA REID

Music mogel, famous for chair dancing and harshness. A black, more qualified (has actually put famous people on the map like Mariah Carey, TLC, Rihanna, etc) Simon Cowell. LA is in this picture somewhere.

PAULA ABDUL

Here's a picture of Paula and her fiance.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER

Nicole is actually such a non-star I don't really know what she looks like. I decided to post one of those "time lapsed" pictures. This is what Nicole will look like 20 months from now.

So anyway, this show is all about spectacle. People perform songs with somewhere from four to eight back up dancers, while a laser light show takes place and giant images of nonsensical items (houses, gates, clouds, butterflies) appear in the background. Then the host, Steve Jones, says something really fucking awkward. But you forgive it because he's hot. So so awkward. But so fine.

So yes, it's another reality show. Normally I would rank the remaining contestants, but I don't care anymore so I won't.

Rating: Depends on mood. Ranges from 4/5 stars to negative 7 out of 5 stars.

TV Review: Parks and Recreation

"You're" being Parks and Recreation. High praise. This dude was pretty accomplished.

Rating: 5/5 stars.

TV Review: The Lost Finale

Lost is over, and I'm still sort of numb from the experience. I've given a great deal of thought to the finale, and I think I've come up with some poignant things to say about this six year journey. You see, we've followed these characters through situations both uplifting and difficult, heartbreaking and inspiring. The finale made a profound and powerful statement about the the experiences of our heroes. After devoting almost all of the work day towards thinking about what I watched, I can only say one thing.

Although I will miss watching new episodes of Lost, I AM SO FUCKING GLAD IT IS OVER SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THE SUPER ANNOYING AND DOUCHEY HARDCORE LOST FANS IN THE WORLD.

I have an opinion on the finale and what it means, but I'm going to keep it to myself. Lost has always been supremely interested in challenging its audience, so I assume different people have different reactions. I do not want to be that turd hole that rants about my thoughts on Facebook or Twitter. Nobody cares. Anyway, here are the different annoying categories of Lost fans.

BEFORE I GET STARTED, THERE ARE PLOT SPOILERS ABOUT THE SERIES HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. TURN BACK NOW IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THE PLOT FOR YOURSELF.

1. The Know-it-All.

"Hi, I watch Lost and I have at least a bachelor's degree. Therefore, I know enough about all of the show's different themes and ideas so I can make profound statements about the show's action. Furthermore, anytime something happens that seems to be a writer's error or laziness, I am entitled to comment on it because of my education. I could write this show better than the current writers, I'm that awesome. I'm not content to seek out friends and talk about the show privately. Rather, I'd prefer to put all of my opinions out there and condescend to the writers ON THE INTERNET. Oh man, if the writers only read my Twitter account. I'd sure take them down a peg."

A few comments on the Know-it-All

-You don't know everything.

-Nobody cares about your views.

-Your views aren't always correct. There can be other interpretations of the text.

-Nobody likes you. Shut up.

2. The Spoiler.

"WOW THAT EPISODE WAS SO INTENSE! I HAVE TO VENT MY EMOTIONS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED NOWWWWW!!! WHY ISN'T ANYONE ON GMAIL? OK, I'LL JUST POST A QUICK COMMENT ON MY FB STATUS. Should I say something like, "Lost spoiler alert"? NO because my statement is pretty vague and nobody will guess that my statement ties into hints of deaths on ads for tonight's episode. And people only watch Lost live, so there's no way I'll risk upsetting someone with Tivo/DVR/a computer with a working internet connection."

I once spoiled Lost for a friend. It was accidental, but I felt like a huge asshole after it happened. Seriously, spoiling Lost made me feel like one of the biggest douches alive. If you spoil Lost and don't feel remorse, you are Satan.

Finally, if there's a very CLEAR disclaimer about Lost spoilers, then it's less of an issue. However, doing something like, "Spoiler alert: Insert dramatic twist here!!!" doesn't count as clear because the term "spoiler alert" is vague. I don't know what you're spoiling until I read it, AND OK I'M A CURIOUS PERSON, IT'S HUMAN NATURE. I would put "Lost" in front of spoiler alert because then I can appropriately react to your spoiler alert. See how that makes it less of a problem?

A few comments on the Spoiler

-Why do you do it? Do you get some sick pleasure out of advertising how promptly you watched Lost and regurgitated the action?

-Let's look at this pro/con style. What are the benefits of spoilers? What are the potential risks of spoiling? Oh, what's that? There are zero benefits and you risk pissing off a ton of people? Super. As someone with an unhealthy tendency to read spoilers, I can safely say I've never actually enjoyed a show more as a result of knowing what happens. It's always worse.

-Nobody likes you.

3. The Over-Analyzer.

"Ok so, in episode five, season three, scene four, minute 26, Juliet goes into a house and there's a picture on the wall of Charles Darwin, which clearly means something. Since Darwin proposed a famous theory about evolution, that must relate to the island symbolically. Evolution is about organisms adapting to an environment and surviving natural selection, so obviously the writers are trying to make a profound statement about the purpose of everyone on the show. Therefore, it's logical to assume that as the show progresses, our characters will show more advanced signs of fending off natural selection. What's that? It was Ronald McDonald instead of Darwin? Well ok, then there's a strong undertone of commercialism that's permeating the show's complex narrative structure..." Blah blah blah blah douche blah blah blah blah nobody cares.

This turd needs to knock it off. What do I have to say for the Over-Analyzer?

-Your brain could be used for good. Instead, you are wasting it. Idiot.

-Your theories are probably wrong.

-More importantly, your theories probably don't matter.

-Nobody likes you.

So, I'm excited to leave these people behind, at least until the next huge pop culture phenomenon comes along.

PS I would like to point out that I gave a spoiler alert and still didn't really spoil anything. That's how protective I am of people who are still interested in watching Lost for the first time.

Rating: Lost Finale, 5/5 stars. Most people who watch Lost, 5/5 stars. A sold group of shitbag fans, 0/5 stars.