Single Review: Can't Be Tamed

Since the dawn of time, women have learned that they can get more attention by turning into big slutbombs. This may come as a surprise, but this trend commonly occurs in the music industry. Madonna did it. Britney did it. Christina did it and then did it a second time. Ke$ha started there. You see my point. Well, it seems that Miley Cyrus is the next in line to "grow up," which is a music-industry synonym with stripping (for ladies because guys don't have to do that to establish legitimacy).

The biggest different between Miley and these other ladies is the fact that she's ONLY SEVENTEEN. Although her music video for Can't Be Tamed is still pending, there's a good chance that I'll go to jail for a sex crime by watching it. Sure, seventeen is legal in most areas. However, it's still super creepy everywhere. I don't care how good the song is, that doesn't eliminate the weird undertone of pedophilia for anyone that's over 21.

Oh, guess what bitches, THAT WAS A SEGUE. The song isn't that good. Normally I'm down with songs being overproduced, but this one is shameless about it. I actually think Miley has a pretty good singing voice, so it sucks that she's masking it with some sort of autotune effect. The writing is pretty shitty also. It sounds like she's either moving towards rap language or she's partially forgotten English. It works on someone like Lil' Wayne but Miley can't quite cut it. Here's a sample:

For those who don't know me I can get to be crazy

Have to get my way ya

Twenty four hours a day

Cause I'm hot like that

Every guy everywhere just gives me mad attention

Like I'm under inspection

Always gets a ten

Cause I'm built like that

I go through guys like money flying out the hands

They try to change me but they realize they can't

And every tomorrow is a day I never plan

If you're gonna be my man understand

I can't be tamed

I can't be tamed

I can't be blamed

I can't can't I can't can't be tamed

Yep, so that's the first part of the song. Essentially, she wants a guy who accepts that she is an untamed megaslut. Guys try to change her (aka make her pull up her panties every now and then) and she freaks out because they're trying to "tame" her. Listen, I'm all for female empowerment and whatnot, but when the message is "I'm so frigging hot I can do whatever I want to guys and not have consequences" then I start to work about twelve year old girls with gonorrhea. This is how I imagine a conversation with a nice guy and untamed Miley.

Guy: Hey Miley, do you want to go on a date tonight?

Miley: WHATEVER, FUCK YOU, I DON'T CARE, SURE.

Guy:...Um ok. So I'll pick you up at eight then. We can go to a nice Italian restaurant.

Miley: HELLZ NO, I ONLY LETS GUYS TAKE ME TO SUSHI, HOLLA, KTHNKX.

Guy: Well, I don't really have the money for sushi. Are you sure you won't give Italian a try?

Miley: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKER HEAD!!!! I CAN'T BE TAMED I CAN'T BE TAMED I CAN'T BE BLAMED YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING LUCKY THAT I'M TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE I'M HOT, I'M A TEN ON MY HOTNESS SELF-ASSESSMENT. JESUS CHRIST IT'S LIKE I'M UNDER INSPECTION. I'M ALL GROWN UP NOW, SO YOU'D BETTER TAKE ME FUCKING SERIOUSLY.

Guy: Alright, I guess another time. PS I can see your vagina in those shorts. You're clearly not grown up yet.

And scene.

So yeah, this is bad. It's like this bad:

Ugh. I'm just going to listen to Xanadu now.

Rating: 1.5/5 stars

UPDATE! After watching the video, the song is growing on me. It's trashy awfulness is becoming endearing. I'd up the rating to 2.5 or 3 stars. I'm sorry I put up the National Treasure 2 poster. But I'm not taking it down because I still think it's funny.