Since most of my readers are from first world countries, I assume that whoever is reading this is aware that Iron Man 2 was just released and that this was, allegedly, momentous. Well, I saw the film. I saw it at midnight. There were some children who were wearing the Iron Man mask. I saw it in IMax. I had a giant popcorn bucket. Wow I like short sentences. I admit that I have moments where I nerd out and sci-fi/action/superhero films appeal to me. So, this was the apex of nerdiness. Especially seeing the kids in masks. Then I knew I was karmically banned from sex for at least a year for accumulating a high volume of nerd points.
I would guess that my readers have already made up their minds about Iron Man 2. My opinion will probably do very little to sway things. This is good because I really don't have a strong opinion about the film. I cannot remember feeling so ambivalent after leaving a screening. Seriously, Iron Man 2 was engaging enough to hold my attention for its entire running time, but bland enough to never generate any lingering excitement. Therefore, I have made it my duty to offer some suggestions to improve Iron Man 3, because God knows that one is about as inevitable as my post Red Lobster deuce.
Suggestion 1: More Scarlett Johansson fight scenes.
Would you rather see some CGI turd man-robots fight with guns, or see Scarlett Johansson wear a body suit and beat up about fifteen armed guards using MARTIAL ARTS?!? If your answer is robots, go watch Transformers 2 and never talk to me again. Sco-Jo really kicked some butt in her one fight scene, which felt dramatically short. The audience clapped after she was done, which never happened for any of the Iron Man fights. Case closed.
Suggestion 2: Nobody gives a fuck about the imaginary science that's going on, so just leave it out.
There was this whole irrelevant storyline where Tony Stark (the main guy) had to get pallidiaminium because the current element fueling his body was galvonicating his q-cells too quickly and therefore the floconium levels in his blood were too high and he was going to die. Or something. Did this play into the main storyline? No. Did this have a socially relevant point? No. Did it serve to create any dramatic tension? No, because we knew he wouldn't die. Are any of the words in the first sentence of this section real? No.
Suggestion 3: Incorporate this guy, just because I think it would be funny.
Suggestion 4: Don't try so hard to be funny
Yes, I think humor is great and many times the movie successfully pulled it off. However, there were lots of really lame puns. Since I can't remember any of them specifically and because I'm adequate at writing bad jokes, I will simulate some of those lines here
Guy 1: Wow, looks like we made short work of these robots!
Guy 2: Yeah, looks like someone's going back to the junkyard!!! HAR HAR!
(after dousing someone with water)
Guy 1: Why did you douse me with water?!?
Guy 2: We were arguing. I thought you needed to COOL DOWN!
Hot lady: I need you to sign this form, Mr. Important.
Mr. Important: Ok, and maybe later I can sign YOUR form with my dick! And by form, I mean your vagina.
You get the point. Try harder, writers.
Suggestion 5: More nudity. But only from hot people. Mickey Rourke is not acceptable. I have no urge to see him in tighty whities again, because retaining the ability to see is important to me.
Suggestion 6: Betty White cameo. If you find someone that doesn't think favorably of Betty White, I will spend a full $10 at White Castle and eat everything I buy. You know that's a risky endeavor. And yes, I say this because I just watched the Betty White SNL. It was solid.
Suggestion 7: Arbitrarily recast the black guy role. The studio already did this in between the first two movies. Why not do it again? A good portion of white people won't even notice. I recommend Kenan Thompson.
Alright, that's all for me. I'm going to rewatch Maya Rudolph's Whitney Houston impression from SNL. SHOOP!
Rating: 2.5/5 stars