I have to say. The fact that this review even exists is the result of a cruel and horrible twist of fate. This past weekend, I attempted to see Bruno three times, and on three occasions the movie was sold out. Yes, I could have ordered my tickets in advance and yes, I could have purchased tickets at the theater for another showing. But alas, I was so disheartened I just walked away sadly. Cue Charlie Brown music. After my most recent attempt, I decided I would just see a movie. Any movie. I should have been more specific, because that movie ended up being Transformers.
There are so many things wrong with this film. First of all, the movie assumes you retained a good deal of information from the first Transformers movie. I apologize that the intricacies of the Deceptacon and Autobots agenda may have slipped my mind in the last two years. I'm sorry that I forgot the purpose of the magical cube in the first film. I lament that I needed more information on Ben's ancestor that knows stuff about whatever and robots. STOP JUDGING ME. It was hard enough to follow the convoluted plot without many details about the first film. Yes, there were a few, but they were insufficient. SHAME ON YOU, WRITERS! I LOOKED YOU UP ON IMDB! ONE OF YOU WROTE THE RING, AND THE OTHER WROTE STAR TREK!!!! WTF?!?! LOOK HOW FAR YOU'VE (revenge of the) FALLEN!! READING SOMETHING IN ALL CAPS RECREATES THE FEELING OF WATCHING TRANSFORMERS LOUD NOISES BRIGHT LIGHTS WHISTLE BANG!!!!!! I can't even bring myself to talk about how horrible the dialogue is. The lines are either extremely blunt recapitulations of the plot or really bad jokes. Most of the jokes come at the hands of the two "twin" robots. There's a bit of controversy surrounding them because they allegedly reflect racism on the part of the filmmakers. I mean come on. They're robots. Just because they talk like black stereotypes and one has a gold tooth, doesn't mean anything. And if watching them caused me to think, "oh stewardess, I speak Jive" for most of the movie, you should not jump to conclusions. AND ONE OF THEM LOOKS LIKE A DIRTY ICE CREAM TRUCK WITH SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE COMMENTS ON IT. Micheal Bay is not racist. He's sexist and racist. More on the sexist part later.
However, who cares about plot when you have ROBOTS FIGTHING OMG WTF ROFL!! I'm pretty sure you went an average of 45 seconds between fight scenes. If you've seen the Imaginationland South Park, their pardoy of Michael Bay 100% encapsulates his work on Transformers: Revenge of the Boring Robots. Robot cars fighting! Robot planes fighting! Robot insects fighting! Robot giant pyramid sucking thing fighting! It's relentless. You have to admire how shameless this movie is. If you go with the sole purpose of wanting to see robots fight, you will get that. Literally that is all the movie has to offer. The plot sucks. The music is uninspiring. The bevy of unnecessary slo-mo shots is laughable. Robots in disguise is what you get. Period.
OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING CAP LOCKS TRANSFORMERS AHHHH. Megan Fox is in the movie. The first shot is of her in cutoffs, cleaning a motorcycle. Need I say more about Michael Bay's sexism? She basically serves to pout her lips, stick out her chest, and say meaningful things like, well, I honestly can't remember because it's so trivial and vapid I've already forgotten. There's some other unrealistically gorgeous girl in the movie. You see her panties. I can't remember anything else about her. I guess if I were a fourteen year old heterosexual boy with nerdy tendencies, I might have popped a boner for the entire film (and then had to call a doctor because this movie is almost three hours long) but alas, I am not so the beauty of Megan Fox and robot death orgies was lost on me. Don't see this movie.
Rating: 1/5 stars
5 years ago