Movie Review: Labor Pains

Requester: LF

Well, I did it. I think the novelty of the idea was too strong to resist. It was stronger than my pride. My dignity. My desire to have a normal evening. I watched the ABC Family premiere of Labor Pains, the newest movie from Lindsay Lohan. I tried to play it off like it was an excuse for drinking games, but the truth is that I wanted to watch it. I wanted to see Lindsay fail or, perhaps, I wanted to see Lindsay redeemed. I don’t really know why I did what I did. All I know is that I’ve lost two hours of my life that I can never reclaim. Thanks, Lohan.

The premise of the movie is ridiculous. Lindsay is terrible at her job (shocking, I know) and in the face of being fired, she pretends that she’s pregnant to keep her paycheck. Then, instead of coming clean or faking a miscarriage, she keeps pretending to be pregnant because her life is so much better when people think she’s knocked up. She gets promotions. The office secretary bakes her brownies. She breaks up with her loser boyfriend and falls for her boss’s second-in-command. All of these things only happen because she has a pillow strapped to her stomach. Maybe if Lindsay shows up to her next photo shoot with a baby bump, someone will think to check if it’s real.

The worst part of this movie is that it isn’t terrible. It’s so mundane and average that the monotony of watching the movie bores into you. I remember thinking “Wow, this movie sure has been going on for a while,” only to realize that I was 36 minutes into the movie. That includes commercials. The acting is blah. The story is blah. The script is blah. It’s not so dramatically terrible that you can scoff at it (at least I Know Who Killed Me had that going for it). Lohan does a passing job in the title role and there are some mildly humorous supporting characters. However, nothing redeems the movie’s predictability and clichéd plot. At least Baby Mama had Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

I hope nobody else has to suffer through this. That being said, it was better than Transformers 2.

Rating: 1.5/5 stars.