TV Review: Modern Family

First of all,

CHECK ME OUT BITCHES, I HAVE A DOZEN FOLLOWERS! This is great. I'm in such a good mood, I'm going to write a happy review. Of all the shows on tv that make me happy, perhaps Modern Family makes me the happiest. Short sentences also make me happy! Cake batter too. Chinese food. Mmm.

Anyway, everyone ever should watch this show because it's extremely funny, has great characters, and does a good job of portraying gayness. One time I even waited until the show was over to go poop, instead of just pausing Tivo and going when I had the urge. I was that caught up in the excitement. So I want everyone ever to start watching Modern Family. Here's why:

1. You won't feel like an idiot when you're with me. I like to quote TV ALL THE TIME and I don't really plan to change my ways any time soon.

2. I won't feel like an idiot for quoting TV all the time, because you'll respond to my quotes and therefore validate that constantly quoting TV is socially acceptable.

3. If you're a lady, your boobs will get bigger. If you're a man, your penis will grow...in a permanent sense. Not a temporary sense. This is science from my research at the University of Missouri--Riha's Couch. Also, if you have both/neither parts, then you'll win the lottery. Furthermore, this point is based on a biological definition of gender. If you identify as a lady but have a pee pee, then it will rain candy next time you go outside. If you identify as a dude but have a clam trap, then you'll find twenty dollars the next time you do your laundry. Everybody wins!

4. Interestingly, the research from UMRC shows that slight boob and penis shrinkage occurred when the Modern Family watcher already possessed giant assets and wanted to reduce them.

5. Watching Modern Family makes puppies smile.

6. EVERY TIME YOU DON'T WATCH MODERN FAMILY, YOU DESTROY A BABY'S SOUL.

How can you live with yourself?

7. Every week I have a new favorite character, because they're all generally outstanding. I would analogize this to having a diverse quantity of items that you enjoy equally and then picking one based on your mood. If you like having options, in any context, then you'll enjoy Modern Family.

8. Judy Greer guest starred. She might have appeared in a little show called ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. Like, go buy us some coffee. I just blue myself. But where did the lighter fluid come from? POINTS ONE AND TWO JUST CAME TO PASS. So do you feel like an idiot or do you feel awesome right now?

9. Every time I watch Modern Family I bake and then eat the delicious bounty from my oven's harvest. If you watch with me, I will bake for you. The parts of this point that make sense are lies.

10. Alright, since this post has already jumped the shark, I would like to conclude by saying that this post included a reference to science in it, and you can't argue with science. So watch Modern Family. And if you need more motivation, look at that baby's face and think about what you're doing when you don't watch.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

TV Tidbits

Hello, criticism fans! It’s been a little while since I’ve written something, but I’d like to think I’m back with a vengeance. The creative juices are finally flowing, and it’s not just because I had Olive Garden for dinner last night. I have several things I want to say, but I’d like to start with some TV reviews. Instead of busting my balls to write a full review of new TV shows, I think I’m just going to write one long entry that addresses several TV treasures (or trash heaps). Without further ado, here are my snap judgments of fall TV ’09.

Glee

Read my review for more thoughts. Rating: 4.5/5 stars.

90210

Ditto. 3.5/5 stars.

Melrose Place

Ah, another CW remake is taking shape. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be pulling in the ratings that 90210 is managing. Fortunately, it’s off to a much more promising first season than its comrade. With murder, prostitution, theft, and bitchy dialogue, Melrose Place is definitely somewhere I’d want to move in. 3.5/5 stars.

Project Runway

Of course, Heidi and Tim always seem to make it work. Even with Michael and Nina constantly MIA and a generally blah cast of designers (both personality and talent-wise), somehow our German bombshell and gay Oprah manage to still create consistently entertaining TV. Even on Lifetime. Rating: 3.5/5 stars.

Top Chef

Now that Projway has said auf Wiedersehen to Bravo, Top Chef is the new alpha male. As a new Top Chef fan, I have to say that I’m really enjoying this season. The challenges are interesting and the chefs are compelling. My personal favorite is Jen, the bitch who knows it and works it. Sadly, it seems like the top five chefs are extremely obvious at this point, so some of the dramatic tension is lacking. However, it’s still mouth-watering television. Rating: 4/5 stars.

Parks and Recreation

I don’t think there’s a show that I’m rooting for more adamantly than Parks & Rec. I’m rooting for Amy Poehler’s sitcom to truly hit its stride and become as hilarious and compelling as its ancestor, The Office. It is definitely making baby steps towards becoming a surefire hit, but it’s still pretty tentative at this point. The laughs are hit-or-miss, and some of the tertiary characters need to be fleshed out more. That being said, the show is still very new so I’m optimistic. Rating: 3/5 stars

The Office

The Office came back in fine form this year. The premiere was touching, outrageous, and involved many of the side characters who had been benched in recent seasons. To me, I’ve always thought showing more Kevin, Angela, Meredith, Kelly, etc. is the show’s ticket to comic gold and I think this season seems to be on that path. Rating: 4.5/5 stars.

Community

So far, Community is runner up for the award for most promising season premiere (I’m technically counting Glee’s premiere as a part of the tail end of last season, so there's another first place prize). The characters seem quite varied and the writing is extremely snappy. It also seems to be a show that has slightly more sophisticated humor, so the audience might actually have to think in order to get some of the jokes. That’s what makes 30 Rock and Arrested Development so great. Perhaps Community is on that path? Rating: 4/5 stars.

Modern Family

Modern Family just inched out Community for my favorite premiere. This show is ripe with laughs and relatable characters. I think I about peed myself with the Circle of Life came on. If you watch the premiere, you’ll know what I mean. Rating: 4.5/5 stars.

The Vampire Diaries

Sadly, I might not be able to watch this show as consistently as I’d like. It conflicts with too many other programs and I might lose touch with it as the year goes on. However, I will do my best to keep up with it based on the first episode. Granted, the originality factor is missing because this show is Twilight minus the bad acting plus great dialogue. Yet, any show that references “tranny mess” deserves bonus points. Kevin Williamson might have another hit on his hands. Rating: 3.5/5 stars.

Gossip Girl

Well Upper East Siders, our favorite chic debutantes are back at it again. This time, at college. Although Serena, Blair, and company don’t get to school until next week, there was a bit of good drama this week. However, it seems like the storylines are running in circles and the show could use a good dose of originality. Perhaps college is the ticket? Rating: 3/5 stars.