TV Review: Primetime Emmy Nominations

HEY EVERYONE, I LIVEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Ok, so I've been gone for way too long. However, I'm now settledish into my NYC storage closet, so I'm ready to rock the blog. Today is a friend's birthday, so I'm going to work extra hard to make this crude and offensive. Crusty cow vagina. See, definitely off to a strong start because vulgarity really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I also anticipate high levels of anger/snark in this post for the following reasons:

1. I'm on hold with an electric company and it's been this way for about 2o minutes. This sucks. DON'T TURN OFF YOUR PILOT LIGHT. That's that I'm being told over and over and over and over.

2. There's a party in my building, which makes sense if you have like only three friends given the average apartment size here. Anyway, they're blasting their music and Love Lockdown is playing, which perhaps has the most repetitive beat ever. Sure, the song will change, but the annoyingly overbearing music will stay constant. If these people weren't already super super cool enough, just know they started partying at like 9pm. EST. Which is pretty much the same as starting at 5pm CST.

3. LIVING IN NYC IS EXPENSIVE AND IM HUNGRYYYYYYYYYY

4. I have a lot of thoughts on these Emmy nominations, which include a good deal of anger.

Nasty smelly baby diaper turds. This is my birthday song. On another note, I am already super tired from a United Airlines incident last night. Ergo, I probably won't edit this until tomorrow for typos. Apologies in advance for misspelling wordsqz.

Ok, so I'm going to take the biggest categories and and list the nominees, describe what pleases me about the category, and then mention what I think is wrong with the given situation. Let's do this.

I'm going to do the drama categories first because I care less about them. I'll work my way to the good ones.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series (capitalization taken from Emmy press release)

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Michael C. Hall, Dexter

Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights

Hugh Laurie, House

Matthew Fox, Lost

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Ok this category is super boring for me with one exception. I don't watch a lot of these shows, so I can't say much about Hamm, Hall, Laurie, or Cranston (except that he shares the name of Kenneth's alter ego on 30 Rock, so he gets bonus points).

I don't really think Fox deservers to be here. Even though his character goes through some crazy changes, he still manages to stay super one note. He's probably here because he's started crying more and because Lost is ending.

OMG THE ELECTRIC COMPANY HUNG UP ON ME AFTER 30 MINUTES ON HOLD, EFFFFFFF YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!

The exception I mentioned is Kyle Chandler. If you read this blog regularly, you know I have a big, veiny boner for Friday Night Lights. Chandler is great and totally deserves this nod. I'm really happy about this, much like this charming fellow:

How fun! What a wonderful life he lives.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

Glenn Close, Damages

Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: The Sex Gone Wrong One

January Jones, Mad Men

Ok, I feel a little better about this category as far as my own personal knowledge goes. Like before, I'm farting rainbows about the presence of Friday Night Lights. Britton plays my absolute favorite character and if she doesn't win, I'm going to kick a baby stroller. Probably an empty one because she likely won't win.

I'm happy about The Good Wife, Margulies is great. I'm over Hargitay. Couldn't give two shits about the rest, but I definitely give the least shits about the SVU presence here. Or should that read fewest shits? I think fewest.

Sorry, Calista Flockhart. Your super manipulative cancer storyline in Brothers and Sisters couldn't help you here.

Outstanding Drama Series

Breaking Bad

Dexter

The Good Wife

Lost

Mad Men

True Blood

Well, this just reinforces how generally boring the drama nominees are this year. Yes, I'm happy for a few here (The Good Wife, most notably). However, I don't really have much to say. Like, the only thing missing is Friday Night Lights. BONER. Still. I'm neither surprised nor super disappointed with this batch. Wow, this post is getting boring quickly.

Crisis temporarily averted.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

Matthew Morrison, Glee

Tony Shalhoub, Monk

Steve Carell, The Office

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Ok, this seems like a legit group. OH WAIT, FOOLED YOU. WHAT THE FUCK, EMMY'S? WHAT. THE. FUCK. MATTHEW MORRISON?!?!? REALLY?!?!?!?!!?!

This requires a conversation

Emmy Rules Committee: Ok, let's talk about the changes to Lead Comedy Actor category.

Voice of Reason: Yeah, these are fucking stupid.

ERC: I have no idea what you mean, these were really well thought out.

VR: Well, apparently you've created an exception for performances that are rarely funny, super one-note, douchey, inconsistent, and coast by with tears

ERC: Crying is emotional! It shows serious acting!!

VR: THIS. IS. THE. MOTHER. FUCKING. COMEDY. CATEGORY. THE. FUNNIEST. PERFORMANCE. SHOULD. WIN. COMEDY. CATEGORY. COM.ED.YYYY. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT?!?

ERC: OMG a new issue of US Weekly is out gotta go bye.

So you see my point. Morrison isn't going to submit a comedic episode. He's going to submit some lame dramatic episode, effectively reducing the legitimacy of comedy, which everyone says is harder than drama. NO WONDER THEY GAVE HIM DRAMATIC STUFF INSTEAD OF COMEDIC STUFF.

Just for shits and giggles, here's his sort of offensive interview (he insisted upon having) in order to deny his homosexuality. I've followed this link with a picture.

http://www.elle.com/Pop-Culture/Celebrity-Spotlight/Matthew-Morrison

Yep. Not gay. In fact, I hope he really isn't. Genuinely. I don't want him as a part of my people. If I made a gay wish list, he would rank lower than John McCain and Captain Crunch.

Here's to hoping Baldwin wins again for being the funniest and being the best at it.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy

Lea Michele, Glee

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Toni Collette, United States of Tara

Well, at least Amy is a pleasant surprise. I'm less offended at Lea's inclusion, because she definitely has more comedic elements to her performance than Whoreison. I'm actually most surprised that Julia's show is still on the air, but I did some research and it was just recently canceled. Boohoo. I'm rooting for Amy, but there's no way she can beat big name actress like Falco and Collette. I also have a sinking feeling that Glee will sweep. Ugh. I'd rather drink horse sweat.

Outstanding Comedy Series

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Glee

Modern Family

Nurse Jackie

The Office

30 Rock

Minus Modern Family and 30 Rock, of course.

Well, that's my take on the big categories. A year with a few pleasant surprises, but overall pretty average and just about what I expected. Sort of like the new Kylie album. THERE, BIRTHDAY BOY! I WORKED IT IN!

Rating: A LONG ASS PHONE CALL WITH THE ELECTRIC COMPANY