Top 10 Singles of 2011

Hello world.

2011 is coming to an end, which is super exciting since I get to write about my favorite things from the year without feeling super narcissistic. If real critics and legit bloggers can do it, why can't I?

However, unlike those people, I don't get paid to sit and listen to tons of songs/albums or watch tv/movies. I do it on my own g-damn dime and, as evidenced by the lack of frequency with which I've blogged recently, I don't have as much time as I want. Sigh. My life is so hard. Melodrama.

Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying this post should more accurately be called, "Riha's top 10 songs that come from the 15 artists he likes that actually released music this year." Only with proper capitalization rules for a title. Imagine that happening as well.

And we're off.

10. You and I, Lady Gaga

There were two strong Gaga songs, two crap Gaga songs, and one solid Gaga song released this year as singles. You can guess which is which, but in my mind You and I takes the cake. Yes, it's been floating around for years now and yes, there's some weird German sideways colon that I'm supposed to write over the letter "u" in the title of the song. Those things are unrelated both to each other and to the quality of the song. Yet I find them relevant.

Anyway, good showing from Gagzilla.

9. The One That Got Away, Katy Perry

I think that this song was actually one of my top 10 songs of 2010 since that's when her album was released, but it's a single now. And since I set up arbitrary eligibility rules for my lists, it's counting now. The video is worth watching, mainly for seeing Katy in age makeup and discovering that in the future coffee is served out of a bridge. Anywho, this song makes me sad. Not "nobody tried to play out their Nicole Scherzinger death threats" sad, but sad nonetheless. And I'm a sucker for a good sad song. And a sucker for started sentences with the word "and."

8. How to Love, Lil Wayne

Sir Lil Wayne is the only gentleman to appear on the list. Love the song. I haven't actually watched the video. From what I understand, there's something about hospital/birth and generally anything related to placenta makes me run in the opposite direction. So for now, the song is more than enough.

7. With Ur Love, Cher Lloyd

I forgive her for the "ur" in the title (who the fuck does she think she is, Prince?) because the song is so damn catchy. She's a Brit, btw. Just look her up on Youtube because the 14 people that actually read this blog probably don't know the song. However, don't watch the video too closely--just listen. The video is blah to the blah.

6. Hell On Heels, Pistol Annies

I'm taking a break from promiscuously honoring Miranda Lambert at every chance I get and instead am honoring her Pistol Annies side project this year. LOOK HOW DIVERSE MY TASTE ARE, PEOPLE!

5. We Found Love, Rihanna

I think my feelings for the song are best embodied in this image:

I love it so much I barf happy ribbons. I'm sure I'll read the previous sentence weeks later and think it's mega stupid, but I like it now (1:06AM on a Wednesday).

4. Sadness is a Blessing, Lykke Li

OMG I'M SO EMO, Y'ALL. Much like Cher Lloyd, just look this one up. However, I will encourage you to pay attention to this video. It's pretty much a direct reenactment of every date I ever go on.

3. Till the World Ends, Britney Spears

WHY THE FUCK IS IT SPELLED, "TILL"? Shouldn't it be "Til' the World Ends"? "Till", to me, implies that Britney is at the edge of the world, tilling the soil. Regardless, the song is fire and one of her best yet. Get it, girl.

2. Someone Like You, Adele

Sure, Rolling in the Deep is super mega popular and awesome, but I like this single better. Again, falling into the sad song motif. Much like this:

Don't worry, I'm not going all internet cat lady on you.

1. Super Bass, Nicki Minaj

Sure, it's not the most critically acclaimed choice. Sure, it's not the most inventive subject matter. And sure, I know a few of you out there are thinking that I could have gone with a whiter song. Well, too bad. I love this song. I know all the damn words, which was special before that selfish toddler bitch went on Youtube/Ellen and ruined it for me. Now it's not fun when I do it. What a whore.

TV Review: Top Model All Stars

Once and a while, baby Jesus gives you a gift so precious and wonderful that you almost can't believe it's happening. The All Star Cycle of Top Model is such a gift.

I can summarize this cycle in one picture:

The above actually happened this cycle. Tonight is the finale, so hopefully something epic happens. If my favorite doesn't win, expect a tantrum post about the show.

OH! There's an episode where they write their own songs and do music videos. If you need more incentive to check out this cycle, watch this.

Rating: 5/5. For sheer entertainment value.

TV Review: X Factor

I pretty much start every post with an apology about a delay in posting. At this point it's just sad to think that :

1. I'll ever be able to post as much as I did when I worked for my university.
2. I'm deluding myself into thinking I feel bad about this. Ok, maybe a little bad. Wait, no. That was the delusion again.

So anyway, given my affinity for reality television, washed up has-beens making a comeback, talentless assholes being given more credit than they deserve, and chair dancing, I decided to watch the X Factor. And I knew I was going to get what I want just from the judging panel. PS if it weren't clear, Nicole is the asshole. More on that waste of human garbage in a second.

The premise of the show is simple. American Idol+Performance Production Value+Judge Mentorship-Hosting Ability-Age restrictions=X Factor. Contestants perform each week with guidance from one of the judges, the public votes, and then the bottom two sing for their lives and the judges decide who goes home. The decision regarding who to send home is usually based on wildly inconsistent criteria. Frequently vocal talent isn't part of the criteria.

Let's recap who the judges are:

SIMON COWELL

Brit extraordinaire. Known for harsh judgments, v-neck shirts, and man boobs. He's on the far left I think.

LA REID

Music mogel, famous for chair dancing and harshness. A black, more qualified (has actually put famous people on the map like Mariah Carey, TLC, Rihanna, etc) Simon Cowell. LA is in this picture somewhere.

PAULA ABDUL

Here's a picture of Paula and her fiance.

NICOLE SCHERZINGER

Nicole is actually such a non-star I don't really know what she looks like. I decided to post one of those "time lapsed" pictures. This is what Nicole will look like 20 months from now.

So anyway, this show is all about spectacle. People perform songs with somewhere from four to eight back up dancers, while a laser light show takes place and giant images of nonsensical items (houses, gates, clouds, butterflies) appear in the background. Then the host, Steve Jones, says something really fucking awkward. But you forgive it because he's hot. So so awkward. But so fine.

So yes, it's another reality show. Normally I would rank the remaining contestants, but I don't care anymore so I won't.

Rating: Depends on mood. Ranges from 4/5 stars to negative 7 out of 5 stars.

TV Review: 2 Broke Girls

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy world,

So it's been a little while since I posted here...life has gotten pretty hectic at work, more than I ever could have imagined. Since my new roommate has had some issues with weirdos stalking her blog and bringing it up to her in real life, I won't use this as an opportunity to vent about the ONE thing that is making work incredibly miserable. But I can pinpoint it. Believe me. I can.

Anywho, before this turns "ahhhhh my feelings" on you, faithful reader (singular), I'm going to jump into a quick review of a new tv show (and I'm going to work my way through the other new shows I watch, slowly but surely).

2 Broke Girls stars someone who I thought (at first) played Janis Ian from Mean Girls (but didn't) and some preppy chick I've never seen before. They play waitresses forced to live together by circumstance who come from different worlds. Yes, that last sentence was probably the first sentence of the pitch to CBS, nbd. It's littered with sex humor, which is surprising given that the average CBS viewer lived through the Great Depression. Anyway, these two characters are a classic odd couple, with Janis being the sarcastic one that hates the world, and whats-her-name is the more positive, spoiled counterpoint. They're trying to raise money for a bakery. That plotline comes up infrequently.

As of right now, they are really the only two characters. The show also features some pretty racially stereotypical portrayals of an Asian guy and black guy, which is surprisingly backwards of the show. Is it backward or backwards? I dunno. Grammar. But yeah, it's kinda racist. Not enough to offend me though, because I am an average-to-just-plain-bad person. I've made peace with it.

Nevertheless, the two stars are endearing and even though the show seems to be trying too hard for a punchline every 30 seconds, the chemistry between the lead ladies holds it together.

Worth watching. At least for a few episodes. Did I mention that there's a horse? Because there is. This may seem random and tangental to this blog post, but the horse is random and tangental to the show. So it works.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

Album Review: 4

First of all, I heard this at a friend's place. I didn't illegally download it. This is just based on that listen. Cough.

In honor of the title of Beyonce's new album, I will share the four main observations I have about this disc:

1. I like 1+1 as a song, but I sincerely hope she's recovering from the mini-stroke that convinced her to release it as a single. Even if it was just for a hot second before she realized her mistake.

2. It should come as no surprise to people that Love on Top is my favorite song. This is largely due to the song's FOUR key changes. Seriously, this song probably has more key changes than The World's Greatest or the Free Willy song. Pause for me to confirm this fact...YEP! I mean I skimmed through the Free Willy song, but I think that one only had three key changes. So yes. Four. Amazing.

3. Sure, it's not as dance-friendly as her previous efforts, but there's something I really like about this CD. I can't really put my finger on it. Which is what makes me such an awesome reviewer. Just trust me on this one.

4. Current single, Best I Never Had, is currently being called Irreplaceable part 2. I guess that song is replaceable after all OH PUN. But no. It isn't. There can only be one. Although this B+ substitute is pretty solid. Short sentences. Yes.

So, fittingly, i would say:

Rating: 4/5 stars. SEE WHY THAT RATING IS FITTING?!?

Single Review: Today is Your Day

Shania Twain is back with a new single, y'all! Yee haw!

Or is it? Anyway, this latest effort, albeit autobiographical/inspirational/blah blah etc, is a bit...repetitive. And if you listen to it, tell me if you can resist breaking into the chorus of Bubbly, by Colbie Callat. Surely this effort isn't preceding an album of Come On Over-esque greatness (seriously, that album is timeless), but I anticipate a decent CD. And if there's a track called "Fuggo Bitch Stole My Husband" then even better.

Rating: 3/5 stars.

TV Review: Parks and Recreation

"You're" being Parks and Recreation. High praise. This dude was pretty accomplished.

Rating: 5/5 stars.