Alright, today I had the inspiration for a new blog segment. Clearly I am obsessed with music/TV/movies, so naturally I have aspirations to create my own music/TV/movies. To get my budding Hollywood career off the ground, I will start by pitching some of my concepts here on the blog. My first idea (this is a real winner, let me tell you) is a crime movie called Knife Law. I definitely have to give credit to my friend Julia, who is equally (if not more) responsible for these brilliant, Oscar-worthy ideas.
Here's the brief plot synopsis:
Terrence Knife is a bad-ass New York City cop, who plays by his own rules. Aided by his team of rule-bending law-enforcers, he scours the city for crime and eliminates it using his weapon of choice: a knife. When a criminal mastermind kidnaps one of his teammates, Knife will stop at nothing to gain back his lost ally. With the help of his team, the sassy chief of police, and his mysterious and sexy ex-wife, Knife will overcome the demons of his past and stop at nothing to defeat his most difficult adversary yet.
ARE YOU PEEING YOURSELF YET?!?!?!?!? CAN'T YOU SEE THE MOVIE POSTER TAGLINES NOW?!?!?!?
"KNIFE LAW: This is what happens when you bring a knife to a gunfight!"
"KNIFE LAW: All is fair in love and knife-war."
"KNIFE LAW: Time to cut evil's cake."
Wait for it, there will be more ideas later in this post. Let me introduce you to the cast of characters:
Terrence Knife
He is the hero of our story. Although he's abrasive, he always follows his own moral code which he calls, "Knife Law." He's a tough, bitter man, still hurting from the disappearance of his son long ago. He is the only man in the history of Weapon's Academy to graduate valedictorian with a focus in knife work, which is a skill he developed after traumatic childhood incidents impeded him from using forks and spoons. He loves his team, but often butts heads with the chief of his department. He is very well trained with all bladed weapons, but vehemently refuses to wield a sword. As we learn later, the only mistake he's ever made was hunting a criminal with a sword, because he accidentally killed a young boy in the process.
Machete
She is Knife's ex-wife and the mother of his presumably dead child. She still resents Knife for neglecting her after their son's disappearance. After too many nights of neglect, she walked out on Knife and accused him of being married to his work. Now, loneliness and bitterness have made her a tough, resentful person. Nevertheless, she is one of the most skilled machete-wielders alive and has managed to maintain her ability throughout the years. She is also inexplicably much younger than Knife, even though most of the story suggests they've known each other for almost all of their lives. She will be played by an incredibly hot actress.
Gunnar McRifleton
Gunnar was Knife's roommate at Weapon's Academy. He constantly resented Knife's ability to outscore him, even when Gunnar was using a gun and Knife was only using a knife. As it turns out, Gunnar's son was the boy Knife killed with the sword, which caused Gunnar to go insane. He has spent his time in isolation, plotting the perfect revenge against Knife...a revenge he is finally ready to put into action.
Shiv
Shiv is completely a brilliant, but physically weak member of Knife's team. His gift is being able to fashion a bladed weapon out of anything nearby. Shiv's brilliance is essential to Gunnar's diabolical scheme, so he is kidnapped very early on in the story. Shiv is easily terrified, but is incredibly loyal to Knife since Knife is a father figured to the orphaned Shiv. Shiv's past will be explored more thoroughly in the sequel, "Knife Law 2: Slice of Hell"
Ivan the Impaler
Ivan is a man of few words, but is incredibly strong. He wields a broadsword, which makes Knife a bit uncomfortable around him. Ivan has also proven his strength and loyalty many times, but it seems as if he has a past that still haunts him. This, again, is sequel material.
Lil'Stabby
A diminutive, smacktalking man is saved from the streets and joins the crew. Although he initially has problems controlling his urge to stab everything, he eventually learns to control his impulses and, mostly, only stabs what Knife tells him to. His broad experiences on the streets equip him to make several sassy one-liners and he often keeps things "real."
K-Knife
K-Knife is Knife's canine companion, a Doberman equipped with the ability to stab. K-Knife frequently comes with the team on expeditions, but often is Knife's only companion at home. Although they are tough on the streets, K-Knife and and Knife are very good friends back in Knife's studio apartment. K-Knife and Lil'Stabby initially do not get along very well, but a friendship is forged by the end of the film.
Sassy McHatter
Sassy is the chief-of-police, a woman who has known Knife for a very long time. Although she often receives flack for the way she lets Knife enforce the law, she knows the burden he is carrying and often shows him more compassion than he deserves when it comes to work. She knows he works with a team of vigilantes, but looks the other way because he produces results.
Grenade
Gunnar's mysterious right-hand man/lady. He/she constantly shows up to sabotage our heroes with his/her explosives, which makes him/her a very dangerous foe. His/her true identity will be revealed in the movie's final act.
So, I think it's only appropriate that each of the main characters gets his or her own poster.
"Knife: When he finds the deck stacked against him, he SLICES THROUGH IT!"
"Machete: She'll cook you up a pot of BLEEDING DEATH."
"K-Knife. Who needs just a K-9 when you can have K-KNIFE?"
"Gunnar: "Why shoot the moon when he can just shoot your face?"
"Ivan the Impaler: Ivan stab. You die."
"Shiv: I saw the knife in the marble and I carved until I set it free."
Yes, I could do this all day.
OMG the best part is the plot. Check this out, bullet points style
- We're introduced to our heroes at the beginning of the film, minus Machete and Lil'Stabby (they come in later). We seem them seamlessly stop crime.
- Shiv is kidnapped by a mysterious figure.
- Knife and crew look for Shiv, but don't have any leads. In this scene we discover Knife's resistance to swords but not the reason why.
- Character building scene with Knife and K-Knife at home, where we discover how alone they both are.
- Meanwhile, Shiv is being tortured for information by none other than Gunnar, Knife's former classmate.
- While on the streets, Ivan is cornered by a group of thugs and is rescued by a foulmouthed hobo--Lil'Stabby.
- Ivan brings Lil'Stabby back to headquarters, where Sassy and Knife fight over Stabby's future. Eventually, Knife wins and Lil'Stabby joins the team. K-Knife is jealous.
- More torture/plot development with Shiv and Gunnar. We learn about Gunnar and Knife's time at Weapon's Academy and Gunnar's jealousy.
- Knife comes to work to discover a woman meeting with Sassy. When she leaves, he realizes it's Machete and they talk. She makes several comments about how he's dedicated to work and doesn't have time for anything else. Sassy refuses to divulge the purpose of Machete's visit and we also discover that Machete is Knife's ex-wife.
- Knife begins training Lil'Stabby to control his violent instincts. Although Lil'Stabby's heart is in the right place, he just can't seem to get the hang of it. K-Knife isn't pleased.
- Knife sends Ivan to get more training materials for Lil'Stabby, when Grenade attacks him. Although Ivan manages to escape, Grenade leaves a clue that he is aware of Shiv's whereabouts. Also, based on this scene, the audience can deduce that Grenade was the one who kidnapped Shiv in the opening of the film.
- While examining the scene of the Grenade attack, Knife and crew are attacked by the same gang from the beginning of the film. Without Shiv, the group's chemistry seems to be off and they begin to fear that they might be killed. Luckily, Machete comes in to save the day and scares of the criminals. She was back for another meeting with Sassy, but saw them in trouble and helped. Although Machete is still closed off and antagonistic towards Knife, her fighting clearly helped complete the group.
- At home, Knife watches home movies and breaks down. You can see from this movies that he had a son named Cutlery who has been gone for a long time. K-Knife is there for Knife.
- Cut to Shiv and Gunnar. We learn that Gunnar's diabolical scheme is to create a gun that shoots knives and he needs Shiv to create the knife bullets.
- Training Lil'Stabby is progressing. Knife seems frustrated, but in this session Lil'Stabby finally has a breakthrough. It seems that Lil'Stabby has finally managed to control himself with knives. Eager and excited, he asks for sword training and Knife freaks out. He leaves and Sassy, who has been watching from the background, reveals that Knife accidentally killed a boy with a sword while pursuing a criminal. This was right before Cutlery went missing, so he feels like his son's death was karmic justice for accidentally killing another boy. In essence, he blames himself for the death of both boys. Machete is also there for another meeting, and you can see that she was moved by Knife's reaction.
- Knife is outside headquarters and Machete comes to talk to him. She says that she forgives him for leaving her and that although things grew apart and he left her lonely, she understands that things are hard for him. Here is where we learn that Machete is Cutlery's mother. Knife and Machete end up doing the nasty and then Machete feels guilty and leaves immediately after.
- At home, Knife and K-Knife are enjoying a peaceful evening before they are attacked by Grenade. Again, Grenade leaves a clue. This time, it's a picture of Machete at home, clearly taken by someone she doesn't notice. Knife deduces that this means Machete is in danger, so he and K-Knife rush off to warn her.
- When they arrive, Machete's house is destroyed in an explosion. Knife breaks down again.
- At work, the crew learns about what happened and Lil'Stabby manages to set aside his smacktalking ways and actually consoles Knife. K-Knife is moved by this gesture, but returns to glaring when Lil'Stabby looks at him, because tough-ass dogs don't like to look vulnerable.
- Then a ragged looking Machete enters. It turns out she escaped the blast AND managed to track Grenade back to Gunnar's hideout at Death Tower (the nickname for an abandoned building in the bad part of town)
- She reveals that she has been working with Sassy to help stop Gunnar, but didn't want to involve Knife because of a secret she found out.
- Immediately cut to Shiv and Gunnar. Gunnar cranks up the torture to a whole new level and Shiv finally caves. Once that happens, Gunnar reveals the depth of his hatred for Knife. The little boy that Knife killed with the sword was actually Gunner's son. Shiv begins to create the knife bullets.
- We cut back to our heroes (that was Machete's secret).
- United, our group goes to Death Tower to stop Gunnar.
- After defeating many henchmen in awesome battle scenes, our group gets separated. Knife and Machete are split from Ivan, K-Knife, and Lil'Stabby.
- Ivan's group comes across Shiv, who is unconscious but still alive. After they revive him, he apologizes for finishing the knife bullets. Lil'Stabby struggles to resist stabbing Shiv (because he is a stranger) and K-Knife helps him. This moment of camraderie moves Lil'Stabby and he complete overcomes his urge to stab indiscriminately, forever controlling this instinct. It also seems that the earlier tension between Lil'Stabby and K-Knife has subsided
- Meanwhile, Machete and Knife are attacked by Grenade in a large, dramatic room with several statues and coats of armor. During the fight, Machete is knocked unconscious. Angered by this, Knife gives everything he has into one final attack, and manages to stab the shit out of Grenade. Before Knife delivers the coup de grace, Gunnar appears, laughing.
- Like most evil villains, Gunnar chooses to reveal all of the important plot points. He talks about kidnapping Shiv, creating the gun that shoots knives, and his vendatta regarding Knife killing his son. However, the biggest twist comes here! Gunnar reveals that he kidnapped Cutlery and raised him as his own. In that moment, Knife realizes that Grenade is his lost son and he just stabbed the shit out of him. It seems that Grenade/Cutlery is now unconscious and almost dead.
- Gunnar activates the building's self-destruct sequence, which totally makes sense to exist for a building. He and Gunnar fight, but Gunnar clearly has the upper hand with his knife bullets. Knocked into a corner, Gunnar is about to finish Knife when Knife notices that one of the coats of armor is still holding a large sword. Although a moment of hesitation flashes in his eyes, he picks up the sword and fights back. In a rage, he attacks Gunnar and mercilessly kills him, chopping of his head/limbs, etc.
- Knife then realizes he has only three minutes to escape the building. Both Machete and Cutlery are injured and need help moving. He realizes he can only save one of them in time. Cutlery comes to and tells Knife that he forgives him for everything and loves him. He also says that he needs to pay for the evil things he did with Gunnar and that Knife should save Machete. Although Knife is sure he can save both, his attempts fail. At Cutlery's tearful request, he leaves him in the room and saves Machete.
- We next see the building destroyed and the rest of the crew is outside. A haggard looking Knife comes, with Machete.
- A week later, Knife visits Cutlery's tombstone. While he's there, Machete comes to join him. After a moment of silence, she asks if they found Cutlery's body. Knife says no, but there's no way he could have survived that explosion. Machete looks sad, but tells Knife he did everything he could. She also reveals that Sassy has given her a job on the force and she'll be joining Knife's team. They kiss briefly, and then notice something suspicious. One of the pins from a grenade is on the tombstone. Perhaps Cutlery is still alive...
END!
Hey Oscars, here I come. This movie has everything. Sex. Action. Smack-talking short people. A dog with a knife taped to its head. Tears. Laughter. Everybody will want to see it.
Buy your tickets now.
Rating: 5/5 stars.
