Album Review: Achin' and Shakin'

Alright, this is my first rant-based adventure into a piece of pop culture that isn't common to most people. Laura Bell Bundy, just today, released her debut album: Achin' and Shakin'. Ms. Bundy starred as Elle Woods in the Legally Blonde Musical and then decided, like most struggling blondes in the music industry, to go country. If there's one thing the country genre needs, it's another young blonde. It needs it like a stereo to the head.

http://i619.photobucket.com/albums/tt279/Minimanolo/10y2gqc.gif

Mean Girls separation anxiety. I'm gay.

Speaking of gay, this CD IS SO GAY! Aka even though this disc isn't terribly original, it's sassy, catchy, and therefore I like it. I'm easy to please. If I could draw a picture about this CD, it would look like this:

Thanks, internet, for the assist on that one. Also, I would probably replace the word "war" with "bad chimichangas" or something similar. And since this is a country album, I would dress the dancing naked men in chaps and cowboy hats.

So, I recommend this cd. I think you have to be able to stomach a bit of cheese, especially with the lead single: Giddy on Up. I would go into detail, but I think the music video says it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xfFbB2CRo8

Note the following:

1. Bitch clearly has a Broadway background

2. The old west had cell phones?

3. If you jump out of the second story of a window, you will look hotter and gain the ability to shoot the clothes off of people. Ergo, everyone should go jump out of a second-story window. The fine people at Kellogg University should go the extra mile and jump out of a six-story window. I'm bitter.

So, you can see the campy value of this song. For those of you who condescend to that video, fortunately there are more mature songs. The "achin" half of the album, contains thoughtful lyrics and adept singing. I mean, she was on Broadway so she's definitely not Swifting through the material. (TSwizz, I love you, but singing is not your forte) Most of the other songs on the "shakin" half are a bit more subdued than Giddy on Up. Nevertheless, if there were a gay country cd, this would be it. Plus that time I just said "subdued" was a lie and most of the songs are just as tranny fabtastic as the lead. That's a really big compliment. "Beyonce" is even a lyric in the song Rebound, which is not about basketball. Although given my gayness (has that been mentioned enough?), I probably wouldn't know if it were about the sport.

Song: Blah blah blah basketball metaphor

Me: Oh, this a jaunty reference to that delightful pastime, dribbleball. Hey brain, give me a visual of the sport...

Yep.

Rating: 4/5 stars

TV Review: American Idol Top 9

So, I'm watching American Idol live for the first time in a while. Therefore, as a means to help jump start my blog, I'm going to recap it. More accurately, I'm going to "live blog" it because it allows me to think and edit less, which math major Riha like much good. I use air quotes because you'll only get to see the finished product. Live blog sort of implies you'll see me write as it happens. Here you won't. So, I will break this recap into sections for each contestant. I will make an observation on their interactions with Ryan, the mentoring video clip, their performance, and the judging. Most likely I will spew nonsensical hate, because this season is awful.

This week, they are singing Elvis songs and Adam Lambert is mentoring. I imagine that conversation went like this:

Executive Producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz: "Oh hay Ken, what should we do this week?"

Executive Producer Ken Warwick: "Derrrr, Cecile, Elvis songs! We've never done that!"

Cecile: "Um, didn't we do that season five?"

Ken: "Yeah, Taylor Hicks won that season, so I'm guessing most people suppressed that."

Cecile: "Ya, fo sho. Who should we get to mentor? A rocker? Bruce Springsteen? Maybe a bigwig producer? Elvis is a big deal."

Ken: "Adam. Fucking. Lambert. He sort of has hair that looks like Elvis hair and God knows he could use the publicity."

Cecile: "Um what about the theme? He makes absolutely no sense."

Ken: "Nobody will notice, everyone that's voting is stupid as shit anyway. Look at the Top 12."

Cecile: "Fact."

And scene.

Just to help illustrate my point, I've included a picture of Elvis for those of you who don't know him slash were born in the 1990s.

This is Adam Lambert:

So you can see why people think they're similar.

IT'S STARTING! This is how American Idol is justifying Adam Lambert as the guest mentor. I shit you not.

1. Elvis was big in Vegas

2. They send the Idols to Vegas to watch Cirque du Soleil

3. Adam Lambert

So, well done there. Ryan says his tongue isn't as talented as Adam's. I'm picking up on some crazy flirting, so I'm pretty sure they're having sex, or at least at handy level. First up is...

CRYSTAL BOWERSOX!!!!

So it's all downhill after this. She's singing a song called Saved, which has a Gospel influence. Thanks, I didn't get that from the title. Anyway, per usual, Crystal sounds amazing. It's like a rough, sexy panther having sex with a sex tiger. Sex. Rita Corny, Michael. Subtext. Anyway, I'm being unclear. The bottom line is that she's great and the judges have nothing bad to say about her.

Ryan asks, "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" Answer:

Andrew Garcia. Make sure to roll that "r."

Ok, so I'm feeling better about Adam. He straight up (oh hey, see what I did there?) called Andrew boring. He's singing Hound Dog, so I feel like he's automatically going to fail. Wow, this performance pretty much takes everything I like about the song and then Old Yellar's it. Is that grammatical? Andrew Garcia, with the revolver, in the lounge. BECAUSE THAT WAS A LOUNGE PERFORMANCE.

Anyway, I'm making less and less sense as this episode goes on. All of the judges hate it, except Ellen, who judgement is becoming more and more questionable.

Ryan, "Find out which Elvis track Tim has gone with next!" Well, Adam already spoiled Tim's song at the beginning of the episode, so clearly Ryan thinks we're all stupid. Maybe he's right. Tim is singing my favorite Elvis song and he's the worst singer here. This is going to lead to cap locks. I can feel it.

Tim Urban

He's singing Can't Help Falling in Love. Shit. I'm not excited. Adam likes it, which may lead to good things OR maybe he's being passive aggressive. You can never know with us gays. Speaking of, Tim is so uncomfortable with Adam it's funny. He's screwing with the melody because his lower register is terrible. DON'T FUCK WITH THIS MELODY, BITCH. Also, he didn't follow Adam's advice at all regarding the falsetto at the end. Alright, overall it wasn't horrible and I kind of liked it. When the hell did Tim Urban become a frontrunner? All the judges love it, so here's to Tim Urban, American Idol 2010. This season is seriously becoming the Twilight Zone.

Lee DeWyze

Ahh. Lee is singing A Little Less Conversation and all I can think about is the time that Chris Daughtry, supremely entitled douche of the Idol universe, sang this on Elvis night and was prematurely ejaculated from the competition. Although I would not like this to happen to Lee, I now have an excuse to rewatch this great moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a49P7fSL32U&feature=related

Ahahahah he's so pissed because he didn't know it was going to happen. Anyway, back to Lee. He sounds good, but at moments he looks like he's about to pee himself. I enjoyed it, but wasn't nuts about it. Sort of like a ham sandwich. This is the second reference to ham in my blog. My body is telling me something. Alright, the judges are pooping themself. Kara literally sounds like she's pooping herself in her Lee impersonation.

High Schooler Aaron Kelly (borrowed from Idolatry, I must say)

Ok, he's singing Blue Suede Shoes. Not so familiar with this song, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say Aaron looks awkward singing it and doesn't do it justice. Aaron looks uncomfortable with Adam because he's probably being forced to confront his latent homosexuality. Or he's tired. First comment: He is not wearing blue suede shoes. I find this wholly unbelievable. Second comment: His vocals are average. Third comment: His hair has never looked better. I'm gonna give that one to Adam Lambert.

The judges, in general, feel like Aaron was awkward and didn't do it justice. Move over Miss Cleo, here comes Riha. Well, ok Miss Cleo's dynasty has passed, perhaps she's not the best example. Let's just move on.

Siobhan Magnus

Omg Siobhan and Adam have the same hairstyle. I find this unsurprising. Will she do an Adam Lambert-esque shriek? God I hope not. Ok, so she didn't quite shriek, but the breakdown at the end was hot. I thought the beginning was lame. The judges rail on her, and I don't really feel that badly for her. I think she's sort of lost what made her cool, which was the whole "I'm an evil vampire" vibe she gave off on Paint it Black, House of the Rising Sun, and Wicked Game. She's also sassing Simon. Is she in danger? Shocking elimination? We'll see!

Ryan, "What's up with Big Mike this week?" Me, "His cholesterol." I'm evil. WHOA Brian Dunkleman reference, that must have been lost on almost everyone. Also, how has it taken me this long to pun on his last name. For example, I think my ears are about to get lynched.

Michael Lynch

He is singing In the Ghetto. No words. Anything I could say at this point would send me to Hell. Whatever, I'm already going there OH MY GOD IS HE REALLY SINGING THIS SONG WAY TO PLAY THE RACE CARD. This performance is super disjointed. I don't like the rhythm and I don't like the phrasing, but I suspect the judges will love it lest they be called haters. Yep, they did. I could write this show. Given Ryan's dialogue, it could use a real writer.

Katie Stevens

Ok, the show is starting to rush because it's going long. Fine with me, because Katie is annoying. She's singing Baby What Do You Want Me to Do because she's frustrated with the judges comments. Oh wow, she's so clever. Maybe if she watched herself back on tv she'd realize the judges want her to pick a song and sing it in tune for once. Shut your bitching, slut cannon. Omg she is wearing an insane amount of jewelry for this performance. It's like Forever 21 exploded, because none of the jewelry/awkward belt chains look good. She does not have the grit for this. Yet, somehow this season is scripting her comeback so maybe the judges will love it. I don't. Her earrings have tassels. I'm distracted.

The judges love it, except Simon. God bless Simon Cowell. Keeping it real, even while Kara DioGuardi is running her v-hole. That's her mouth, thanks.

Goldilocks aka Casey James

Closing the show is Casey James, which I feel average about. Jane Lynch is in the audience, which means her ears are being lynched also. Somehow that pun is less amusing with her. Casey is doing Lawdy Miss Clawdy. Not sure what that means, but here he goes. Alright he's rocking a ponytail, which somehow makes him about a thousand times sexier. Now he's doing an awkward robot dance. Sexy downgrade. Overall, it's nothing too amazing. Solid as usual, but I'm not jumping up and down. The judges are harsh, which I'm ok with because I want Bowersox to take it all.

Frack, I am done with this show. GLEEEEEE now!! I'd like to see Aaron and Andrew go home tomorrow.

Single Review: Not Myself Tonight

Christina Aguilera is back with a new single, which I will attempt to analyze. This will be done principally through two highly scientific methods:

1. I will play the song and write down my thoughts as they happen

2. I will make sense of those thoughts

Writing the thoughts:

-This instantly sounds super super gay

-I thought she already did Dirrty?

-Oh wait, Dirrty had a melody. I dunno what this is.

-Ohhh she said the f-word. Edgy.

-I'm bored. Do I have enough ham for a sandwich?

-F-word again. My apartment has a flag in it. Our windows are open. This song is lame.

-Musical interlude. Spoken interlude. Moaning interlude?

-The song has no ending

Ok, that's it! Time to do some intense analysis on these thoughts. Conclusion:

This song sucks. I can't even remember the tune anymore. I doubt even Ciara would record this track, and she is desperate. I'm pretty sure a record executive went to Ciara, said "Hey, will you record this track?" and she reacted like this:

PS Ciara is looking really good in this photo.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Movie Review: Date Night

Alright, so here is my first attempt at "rant reviewing." Whatever that means. Unfortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, which means that anyone who doesn't watch 30 Rock will have to suffer through several highly sophisticated and artsy references to that show. Fortunately, this movie stars Tina Fey, who (along with Steve Carrell) is the only thing that prevents this dung pile from being complete and utter cinematic diarrhea. I'm talking KFC Double Down diarrhea. It's that bad.

Here's what I don't like about this movie:

1. It's rarely funny

2. The script sucks

3. There is a correlation between my first two points

4. Most of the acting is terrible

5. The end credits feature outtakes, which if strung together for 90 minutes, would have made a better movie

6. Not once does anyone make a Mean Girls reference

7. I had to babysit my super drunk friend, who promised he wouldn't fall asleep, and then was unable to stay awake. Also, I had to pee for a good thirty minute time span towards the end.

8. It made me miss Baby Mama. Yeah. I said it.

9. As I said in my last post, I'm on steroids for a chest infection so everything makes RIHA SMASH. Had I started my steroid treatment when I saw the movie? No. Does that belittle my point? DOES MY FIST BELITTLE YOUR FACE?

10. I would rather experience the menstrual cycle than rewatch that movie. I'm talking heavy flow, wide-set vagina, jumbo tampons flow. AT LEAST SOMEBODY MADE A MEAN GIRLS REFERENCE.

Phew. I'll knock off the all caps. Sorry, roids rager. It happens. I'm going to be sad when that's no longer a scapegoat for my bad behavior.

I suppose the best thing about the film was that there was a trailer for Sex and the City 2, which set the bar for mindless garbage unbelievable low. Like, Verna low. OH THAT'S 30 ROCK FOR YOU, BY THE WAY. Yes, I already broke my all caps promise. Anyway, compared to the promise of Sex and the City 2, Date Night looks like friggin' Casablanca. Still, this movie isn't worth your time, unless you really, really, really, really like the leads. They're the only mildly redeeming factors.

Also, this movie is super depressing. Someday, I would like to settle down with a mildly attractive gentleman who can handle the crazy soup I'm ladling him, start a family, and live as a passive aggressive house husband. This movie makes it look like anyone who's married for more than ten years turns into a robot with no joy whatsoever. Apparently the only cure for this terrible rut is a plot so ludicrous that Fox Mulder would have his doubts. Old school with that one, I realize. I just want a nice house, a man that is always into me no matter what, and children who grow up in a world where passing gas is socially acceptable. Is that so much to ask?

Additionally, WTF with the guest stars?!? This isn't Valentine's Day. You don't need to cast famous people just to build an audience. Perhaps that money could have gone towards script revisions or a Taco Bell product placement, so at least I would have been motivated to eat something delicious after the movie. Oh, and someone in my group confused Viola Davis and Taranji P. Henson and IT WASN'T ME. I need to stop using caps right now, what the what.

Date Night: 1.5/5 stars

BLOG OVERHAUL 2010!!

So world, I think it's time for a change. In the past, I've attempted to write "legitimate" reviews, based on mildly articulate observations on plots/acting/singing/whatever. I feel like this has been failing for several reasons:

1. I know almost nothing about writing real reviews

2. I know almost nothing about forming an effective argument, outside of most cheese and TV-related debates

3. I know almost nothing about the film/song/album-making process unless you count Chris 'n Chair, which you should.

4. I'm much better at being ridiculous so I am not utilizing my strengths.

5. I need to do something to up my readership, and reality TV has taught me that shame equals failure. No shame, readers. No shame anymore.

6. I'm on steroids for an infection, and since I'm slowly losing my grip on reality I might as well try to write well-directed rants as opposed to socially acceptable pop culture criticisms.

Anyway, stay tuned for updates. For a bit, I'll probably precede my new reviews with a reminder about the change of tone. OR MAYBE I WON'T, BECAUSE I DON'T ANSWER TO SOCIETY ANYMORE. I JUST ANSWER TO ME!

Shark farts,

Riha

Reality Contestant Reviews

I decided to "review" the remaining contestants in two of my favorite reality shows: American Idol and America's Next Top Model. I'll also provide a ranking of the remaining contestants. This just an easy post for fun, but I haven't really written in a while so I thought this would be nice for my loyal fan(s).

American Idol

Aaron. If Aaron's talent were proportional to the size of his nose, I'd probably like him better. He's like a young country singer combined with a good dose of blahhhhhhh.

Andrew. I've wanted to like Andrew since the start of the show. Sadly, he isn't that great of a singer and he does really lame arrangements of songs. AND WE GET IT YOUR PARENTS WERE IN A GANG JEEZ.

Big Mike. If I hear any more references to his baby and his wife's placenta, I'll scream. I hate him. He over-performs by one thousand and, based on his size, overeats by one million.

Casey. I heard a rumor he's gay. I'd laugh so hard if this were true because he is so objectified it's ridiculous. He definitely improved this week, so maybe I'll like him more in the near future.

Crystal. I WANT TO GO TO THERE DIDGERIDOO DREADLOCKS HARMONICA SEX.

Katie. Shut up, you pretentious ho. Clearly the fact that you were raised in suburban Connecticut has conditioned you to think things will always go your way. Now they're not, and you're freaking out. I LIKE IT. PS don't wear bright pink when you sing a song like Let it Be. It makes you seem special needs. I said it.

Lee. Sexy voice, really unsexy eye movements on stage. Perhaps to mask his bowel movements. He's so nervous all the time!

Siobhan. Every week I like you a little bit less. Get back on your A-game, you stupid bitch. She's a stupid bitch.

Tim. Dear Idol producers. Please just hang a poster of a shirtless Tim during all of the performances. This is all I need from him. K thanks bye.

The rankings:

1. Crystal

2. Siobhan

3. Lee

4. Casey

5. Andrew

6. Aaron

7. Tim (looks will get you everywhere, or at least to seventh place on my list)

8. Katie

9. Big Mike

America's Next Top Model

For whatever reason, I've gone from third person to addressing these contestants directly. Deal with it.

Alasia. You are a super crazy bitch who causes an assload of drama. You also take great pictures. Therefore, I like you.

Alexandra. I would forget who you are if you weren't the token "plus-sized" girl. Listen Tyra, you already picked Whitney. I know you'll never pick another plus-sized girl again. Just give it up.

Angelea. You look the most tranny out of everyone, so that gives you at least a B in my gradebook. You also take really good pictures so I forgive the fact that your attitude is sort of grating.

Anslee. Your nickname is "Asslee." That's all.

Brenda. Molly Ringwald called. She wants her look back. But not your personality.

Jessica. You are insane and you make me really uncomfortable. So, you're also high on my list.

Krista. For whatever reason, I find you super bland.

Raina. MUST WIN MUST WIN MUST WIN.

The rankings:

1. Raina

2. Alasia

3. Angelea

4. Jessica

5. Alexandra

6. Krista

7. Anslee

8. Brenda

My Apologies

Dear Faithful Reader(s):

I must apologize for the lack of activity on this site recently. Several things have taken over my life--work, applying to graduate school, being rejected from graduate school, and now looking for a job. Furthermore, work is more hectic than it has ever been. In the next few months, most of these issues should be cleared up (hopefully) and then I can get back to reviewing!

Thank you (singular?) for reading,

Riha